War Time Smile

Reidy @ AV Club Denver/Boulder

2009-02-04T23:31:00.002-07:00

If you've just wandered back here, I'd like to let you know that I'm writing a weekly column for AV Club Denver/Boulder which is an offshoot of the Onion.

My column is called Jock Itch and is sports related.

Please go here: AV Club Denver/Boulder

see you there mf'ers.

I'm Over Here Now

2008-11-12T10:17:00.000-07:00

Don't Forget....

I'm now going to post all new content here:

http://johnreidy.blogspot.com/

Please direct your porn box to that location.

Update your Goddamn Bookmarks!!!

2008-08-05T00:49:00.004-06:00

Don't Forget....

I'm now going to post all new content here:

http://johnreidy.blogspot.com/

Please direct your porn box to that location.

Hey Carlos, maybe it's just that you are terrible.

2008-07-28T12:11:00.001-06:00

Wasting breath or infinite internet space on Carlos Mencia is really a shame. But that talentless hack has moved me to write something.

Mencia is the shitty comedian who hosts his show Mind of Mencia on Comedy Central. If you’ve ever seen it, you’re dumber for the experience. It’s a sloppy, half-assed and very racist rip-off of Dave Chapelle’s show. It seems that once Chapelle left the Comedy Central family, they were very desperate to fill that slot with something, anything, and Mencia took a dump in the right place at the right time.

This show is awful. Take away everything about how racist and “controversial” it is and it just flat out sucks. Mencia is the lowest grade comedian, it’s shocking that this is on the air. But apparently there are some really stupid people out there who eat this shit up. Go figure. I’ll guarantee the bulk of the audience for Mind of Mencia is white. And thus the trend of catering to a white audience while insulting them is played out further.

Watch just two minutes of it and you will understand. There are cheesy improv groups in the bowels of our country turning out better comedy than this man who has his own show on a popular cable network. It must get pretty good ratings because no exec at Comedy Central would have let this go on if it wasn’t making money.

With that said, let’s get to the racism. Mencia ended a recent show by saying “if you don’t think this is funny, then you are an uptight white guy.” Wow. Well, I am white. I’m not uptight. So where does that leave us? How about that it’s just not funny? Chapelle, who I consider a brilliant comedian, did a lot of racial humor and it worked well. He not only skewered white and black people, but Asian and Hispanics as well. Mencia might appear to lambaste his fellow Hispanic, but his bread and butter is sticking it to whitey.

It’s so easy and obvious to chalk up not liking something to being a certain color. How about if I said, “hey! Use these condoms. If you don’t want to, you’re an uptight Mexican!” Or “hey! Here are some smart economic decisions. If you don’t want to employ them then you’re an uptight black guy!” That’s pretty bad right? Well it’s really no worse than what Mencia shits out on a weekly basis on Comedy Central. But it’s ok to be racist to white people right?

No. Racism sucks no matter who it’s aimed at. It’s even worse when it’s used as a fall back when someone’s comedy is sadly sub-par.

Mencia’s life is unfortunately more funny than his show. He pretends to be Mexican but he’s really like half Honduran and half German. Not a lot of racist comedy gold to be mined when you’re actually half “white” yourself. He’s a joke stealer (famously documented by Joe Rogan in those YouTube clips), and did several painful Bud Lite ads focusing on his unique (read: bad) take on racial humor. I can’t express to you how terrible he is. Since I’m posing as writer, I should at least try: there is a dude with greasy hair and no teeth bagging groceries and busting better jokes down at the local supermarket than Carlos Mencia is right now.

Racial humor can be very funny. When it’s done right, it exposes the differences between us in a comedic way instead of the usual hateful way a lame racist joke is told by a creep at your local bar. I’ll bet that Carlos Mencia isn’t even a racist; he’s just using anti-white sentiments because he has nothing else. He’s the worst kind of comedian who’s running on fumes and the only thing he can do is crap out a weak “white guy” joke. And if that’s the best thing you can dig out of your comedic bag, you really and truly suck.

And if you don’t like what I’ve written then you’re an uptight (insert race and gender here).

JR

Speaking of Bush...

2008-07-15T09:31:00.002-06:00

Speaking of Bush, I was just watching his live news conference where he answered questions ranging from oil prices to Iraq. Maybe they’re related?

While watching him, I was struck by how bizarre he acts. I haven’t seen him in awhile. In reality, no one has seen him in awhile. He’s been laying low as his popularity does the same thing. It won’t help the Republicans in November if that doof is seen (and heard) showcasing his marvelous talent for ruining a major world power.

But he is a weirdo. He would make a very eccentric CEO of a company at best. I think when he was Governor of Texas, people liked him because he was quirky, seemingly friendly and down to earth. Now, on the greatest stage a public figure can reach, he just seems twitchy, uncomfortable and confused. You know the SNL Jeopardy sketch where Norm MacDonald plays Burt Reynolds? Shades of that but with more ape-like innocence.

It’s like a great college football player reaching the pros only to be exposed on the grand stage. Being President, I would imagine, takes a lot of concentration and measured action. Bush has neither of these and no amount of genius “helpers” can hide it. He manages to get by, but he flails while doing it; almost like at any moment he’s going to scream and slap at his face (Three Stooges Style) and run off stage, getting tangled in the curtain and lying there like a scared animal caught in a trap.

And that’s who we put into to the most important job in the world. I say WE because he’s all of OUR problem now. I may not have voted for him (twice) but now I have to deal with him. As an American I can’t wear a shirt proclaiming I didn’t vote for him (well, I guess I could) but since I’ve been funding his war through my tax dollars, he’s my mistake too.

Republicans won’t ever take responsibility for their mistakes. That is such a dangerous way to live and we’re seeing the results of that arrogance right now. Democrats are pussies and won’t defend themselves when unfairly blamed for stuff they were probably too spineless to stop. This man is the biggest joke America has put forth since the Star Wars Prequels: one side won’t admit the mistake while the other is too weak to totally distance themselves from it.

I loved the idea that back when King George was (not) elected the first time “he seems like a great guy to have a beer with.” That’s rich. First of all, when he was drinking, I’ll be he was a mean drunk. And second, when would any of the dolts who voted for him ever get a chance to sit down and have a brew with him? Third, would he really be that much fun to have a beer with? I’m thinking he’d be about as much fun as a murderous, money obsessed, born again Christian could be. That sounds GREAT.

He’s still yapping away up there. Waxing poetic about congress and how his administration saw this gas crunch coming a long time ago….hey wait! That would explain his invasion of Iraq right? His delivery is stilted and choppy. He seems to get lost in the middle of what he’s saying. It’s like if you pulled me out of 4th of July BBQ after five beers and asked me to address the United Nations. It wouldn’t be smooth. That did happen, and it wasn’t smooth.

But that’s OUR President. Dumb, drunk on power (probably just drunk) and not playing golf anymore because it wouldn’t be right for the families of fallen soldiers to see him enjoying himself while young people give their lives for a lie. There’s a bumper sticker that says: He’s not MY President! He may not be YOUR President, but he’s OUR problem. And while you can’t punish him, you can punish anyone who had his back over the last 8 years. You seem like a smart person. I’ll bet you’d be great to have a beer with.

JR

Chickens....coming home....roosting

2008-07-14T12:13:00.004-06:00

The chickens have come home to roost.

All over Denver (and I'm sure it's the same in whatever city you live in), I see people riding bikes and scooters.

It's miraculous actually. I see people who look like they haven't been on a bike in years pedaling away their high gas price blues.

And I see the same assholes in their SUV's who still haven't removed their Bush/Cheney bumper stickers chugging away in their monstrosities, no doubt paying upwards of $60-$70 to fill their tanks.

Great work you fucking losers. You sank your money into that gas guzzler because it was the cool thing to do. It made you feel cool, important and better than all those "liberal" whiners who wouldn't shut up about global warming, conservation and sustainability. Well, you showed them didn't you?

Back when we printed the Hooligan (and t-shirts with catchy slogans for said magazine), we had a saying: FU SUV.

And while the drivers of those vehicles may be saying the same thing, the joke is squarely on them.

A big fuck you to all who blindly supported Bush and his buddies while they raped everyone up the ass to make a buck. The blinders you put on must have made it really easy to avoid seeing what was going on.

JR

New Comic

2008-06-12T01:24:00.005-06:00

got a new comic up at johnreidy.com.

if you have no idea what i'm talking about, me and my ol' buddy Aaron Mikulich have been collaborating on a comic. We have two up right now. Let us know what you think....or not.

johnreidy.com/now.html

JR

If You're Going to the Olympics in China...

2008-05-07T23:55:00.002-06:00

Do me a favor.

If you know someone going to the Olympics in China this year, I need you to do something for me.

When they ask you if they can get you anything while they are there, say "YES!"

"You can bring all of our manufacturing jobs back."

Chances are the won't be able to carry that back with them, but it's the thought that counts.

In five years when literally EVERYTHING will be made in China, where does the guy who was born to work in a factory go for work? Douchebag Republicans will tell you all about the "changing marketplace" and how "people have to adapt to the changing marketplace." And "we live in technology base marketplace now, people have to adapt to it!"

Yeah, tell that to the guy with the junior high education who has no clue about how to use a computer. He's going to adapt to smoking meth and robbing your house when things get really bad.

And the technological marketplace is a load of shit too. The U.S. outsources more and more technology jobs to places like India every day. When the asshole who tells you about the "changing marketplace" has his job downsized to India, does he change his tune?

I don't hate these countries. We've done the same thing for years. They're just feeding their families like everyone else. I do hate the fact that every day, more and more of our goods are made somewhere else and sold back to us. This should be the number one priority on any wannabe President's agenda. Because when there are no jobs left, who will be able to buy the cheaply made Chinese crap?

So ask anyone going to China this summer if they can bring back just a job or two. It may just keep some meth head from stealing all the Chinese made goods out of your house.

JR

No Surprise Here: NIN Still Sucks

2008-05-05T15:30:00.001-06:00

The following link has a story about the new Nine Inch Nails album. If you want to spare yourself the agony of reading yet another Pitchfork article pumping up a major musical has-been, I’ll recap for you.

The title of the article says “Yet Another Surprise New Nine Inch Nails Album” and it goes on to talk about how Trent Reznor is giving it away for free. I don’t know why this is surprising. After Radiohead forged a bold new path by virtually giving away their last crap fest for free, it’s not surprising at all that Trent Reznor would knock over his own mother jumping on this bandwagon.

This is, after all, the same guy who became immensely popular by ripping off an already existing musical style being used by Ministry and repackaging it for dumb teenagers all across America. So it should come as no surprise that this hack would immediately adopt the flavor of the month as far as album distribution. But just like his music, bland honkies in the farthest reaches of our country will find this gimmick to be unique, original and trail blazing. Reznor will once again look like a hero by recycling other people’s ideas and making them Hot Topic Ready.

Reznor offers the free album “as a thank you to our fans for your continued support.” Yeah, he definitely owes the dolts who have kept him employed for the last 18 years because without those dim bulbs he’d be selling keyboards at a Guitar Center by now.

The best part of this is that Radiohead came out and said they didn’t know if their “pay as much as you like” gambit was even worth it; thus casting doubt on the whole scheme. I’m sure Reznor just about choked on his ball gag when he heard this, having already announced his plans to give away the album. If Radiohead included a free sample of Anthrax (the biological weapon not the band) in every CD or download, Trent Reznor and every other reactionary musician with no original ideas would start asking around about a how to get some for themselves. Maybe they should put some Anthrax the band in there just make it bearable.

In short, NIN has been making music for brainless teenagers for quite awhile now. Sad, lonely teenagers who are incapable of finding better, angst filled music for themselves. Fans of this band would be wearing Insane Clown Posse makeup if they hadn’t heard NIN first. This is just another marketing trick in a long line of tricks used by this snake oil salesman in black to convince dumb people that NIN is talented, viable and deserves your attention.

I’m all for free music, but if I took a shit in my hand and held out telling you it was free, would you take my hand?

JR

Obama’s New Catchphrase

2008-04-29T17:07:00.003-06:00

So I was watching the results from the Pennsylvania primary a little while back. The report said Clinton won because of the support of white women. They broke down the voting for said white women and it went something like 68% for Hillary and 22% for Barack. I don’t know where the other 10% went.

The reporter made a big deal how this was a big deal for Hillary and subsequently for Barack due to the fact that white women prefer Clinton.

And then it hit me. The perfect catchphrase for Obama after the Pennsylvania primary. Borrowing Cleavon Little's line from the comedy classic Blazing Saddles, Obama should just come out and say:

WHERE ALL THE WHITE WOMEN AT?

Simple, effective and to the point. Where indeed are all his white women at? I'm sure someone somewhere is using this to make white people look more racist. And speaking of which, this catchphrase is still better than Rush Limbaugh’s “where all my prescription drugs at?” McCain’s “where am I at?” and Bill O’Reilly’s “where all my white women I can sexually harass at?”

JR

The Most Overrated Albums of all Time

2008-04-09T14:31:00.003-06:00

As I finished this list, I decided to see if anyone else had this bright idea. Much to my surprise, a lot of people had the same bright idea. Oddly enough some of my top ranked overrated albums were common to other lists. And then there were some albums that all the writer could say about was “I don’t get it.” Well, that’s kind of a cop out. You might not like the Arcade Fire, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t good. Just because your taste sucks and you know how to access the internet is no reason to spread your drivel like so much bad mayonnaise. With that, I hope you like my list. And if you don’t, there’s the internet. Use it.

10. Liz Phair - Exile In Guyville

Take away the fact that the title is a bad Stones reference. No, it’s a terrible Stones reference. Is Guyville all she could come up with? Guyville sounds like a gay sports bar for accountants. This is a classic example of an extremely overrated album because 1) it’s awful and 2) every white woman aged 34-40 owns it or name checks it. Notice I didn’t say they still listened to it.

With it’s faux feminism masquerading as hot blow jobs (worked for Alanis too), there isn’t a single hook, lyric or melody that you could point to that would make it as popular as it seems. Chicks and several lame dudes ate this up because Phair was an unpleasant mix between Sheryl Crow and Courtney Love; singing about giving head and really nothing else. I hear it’s being re-released as a “deluxe” edition. I just threw up in my mouth too.

9. Metallica - Master of Puppets

I know, not a popular choice, but here me out: Of the early output of Metallica (before they cut their hair, got their lips pierced and proceeded to fully suck cat ass) it’s by far the weakest. Ride the Lightning is to Master as Exile in Guyville is to whitechocolatespaceegg….ok, bad example.

Master signified the end of this Metallica era. With the death of Cliff Burton the band ultimately moved on to browner pastures. It also signified their entrance into the arena rock posturing that has cost them their most important asset: credibility. With that said, Master of Puppets is still a great album. There is some of Metallica’s finest work on here, but overall it’s looked to as their overall best work and that is simply not true. And for that, it makes this list.

8. Sufjan Stevens - Illinois

Indie rock creeps wet themselves a few years back declaring this pretentious knob the greatest thing since the advent of the porn box (your computer). I’ve tried to listen to it and its saccharine-y self consciousness just makes me ill.

Check out the picture of this wanker wearing his wings. Can you really take him seriously? He certainly takes himself very seriously. Fanboys and indie rock web editors put this jag off on a pedestal so high it was impossible to inform him that he might just suck as bad as Liz Phair. I’m sure he’d just flap his wings and fly away to make another cutesy album about a state. Here’s a state for you: the state of catatonia you’ve put me in with your bad music.

7. Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

More like “this album is a Lemon that has cause Infinite Sadness in anyone who invested an ounce of themselves into modern rock.” A little long but fairly accurate. Other than the first track, this is a double album’s worth of steaming dog piss. And yet it’s probably their best selling and critically received. Go figure.

Corgan adopted his bald headed, Nosferatu persona at this point; utilizing flowing tunics and Bowie-esque theatrics. But without the talent and musical ingenuity of the thin white duke. If there ever was a blowhard emperor of rock who fiddled away while his fan base and integrity burned to the ground, Corgan would be on the official coin on Blowhardia.

6. Notorious B.I.G - Life After Death

Spotty hip hop with a handful of bona fide classic jams on it. With the stink of Sean “Puffy” Combs all over it, this album was released after B.I.G. was killed, therefore guaranteeing its place in the pantheon of hip hop classics. Biggie was a pretty talented dude, but would this have been as huge if he hadn’t died? Probably. Really because hip hop is a singles driven medium and there are some bangers on this, but it doesn’t deserve half the hype it was afforded. And really, why did anyone think it was a good idea for Puff Jiggly to whisper “Bad Boy” over every single goddamned track? He absolutely ruined ¾ of the songs on this record simply by opening his mouth. You have to have some sort of personality disorder to inject yourself that much into someone else’s work. But I guess he was dead so he had no way to stop him. Great work you douche bag.

5. Pearl Jam - Entire Discography

If Nirvana was the Beatles and Soundgarden was the Stones, Pearl Jam are the Monkees. A fabricated band made up to milk the pacific north west grunge cash cow. That’s actually an insult to the Monkees who had some pretty good songs. But you get the idea.

My distaste for Pearl Jam has abated over the last couple of years but my gall for the fans of the band still remains toxic. The band and its output has been mediocre at best yet the fans put them up there with some of the greats in the music world. And have you listened to “Jeremy” from 1991‘s Ten album? Not very good. Do you know what Soundgarden offered up in 1991? Badmotorfinger that’s what. “Rusty Cage” blows away anything PJ has done in its entire career. And which one is considered the better band by white dudes in their 30’s? That’s the sole definition of overrated.

4. The Rolling Stones - Exile on Main Street

Ironic that this great classic album should share the same list as the cheap knockoff offered up by Liz Phair. It is a great, classic album. No doubt there. But even though it’s looked to as the “greatest” Stones album it merely comes in second or third in that race. People who want to seem hip or have read the manual on how to respond when asked what the best Stones album is will reply “Exile,” but we all know Sticky Fingers is a better album song by song.

This falls under the category that Master of Puppets (and a few more to follow) did in that it’s a fantastic album; it’s just not the best the music listening masses would like you to believe. I could write several pages on why Exile is good, but I only need two paragraphs to tell you why it makes this list.

3. Pet Sounds - The Beach Boys

Ug. Hipsters took up the Brian Wilson rallying cry in the mid 90’s and I’m still not sure if they were just being ironic. Sure I can give Wilson some credit for great harmonies and using a theremin, but really, this IS the Beach Boys were talking about.

The Beach Boys epitomized everything that I hated about music when I got old enough to know better. Cheeseball shit that sounded like it was custom made for dorks. Even the album cover ranks up there with one of the worst/hilarious rock and roll photos ever. I know the argument is that the Beatles influenced this with Rubber Soul and Pet Sounds in turn influenced them with Sgt. Pepper’s but Rubber Soul is a genius piece of work. Whereas Sgt. Pepper’s….well, you might just want to stay tuned.

I still think that someone, somewhere was making a joke when he proclaimed Pet Sounds to be brilliant. Then gullible hipsters ate it up and parroted that same notion, confounding people with taste like myself. Hey everybody let’s listen to Jan and Dean! They’re awesome! Suckers.

2. Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon

I once got into a heated exchange with my brother and a friend the time I declared Dark Side of the Moon to be “not very good.” The kind of reaction I got was to be expected from people who have been conditioned from a young age to love this boring piece of shit record.

Like most things on this list, there are better albums by this group. Yet, for some reason, this is held up to be one of the greatest albums of all time. Hogwash. Complete and utter hogwash. I can’t remember the song, and doing so would mean I’d have to actually listen to it again, but there are some female back up singers wailing away on it that sounds like someone who was doing too much cocaine was given too big a budget to record an album. It’s just over blown and ridiculous. Ridiculous like the notion that this album should be ranked as one of the greatest.

1. The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart Club Band

This album offers not only the greatest Beatles song, but one of the greatest pop songs ever written. “A Day in the Life” is the crowning achievement of not only songwriting but humanity in general. You can travel all over the world and there will be a guy with a guitar singing this on a street corner. It is just an epic song and I will argue to the death that it should be considered the greatest song of all time.

With that said, the album it comes from is truly the most overrated album of all time. Sure it changed the game in so many ways: the production was unique and way ahead of its time. The use of instruments and weird effects changed the music world as we know it. Sure, sure, sure. But it’s by far not the greatest Beatles album. Not even close. There’s some real clunkers of songs on here that just don’t catapult it to the level most have placed it. It’s great, don’t mis-read what I’m saying here, but it’s a third or fourth on the list of greatest Beatles albums for sure.

“Getting Better” and “She’s Leaving Home” are puzzling in their blandness. You can’t hit a home run every time, but shouldn’t what most consider “the greatest album of all time” be solid all the way through? Yes, it should. And Sgt. Pepper’s is not. Greatest album of all time? It’s up there sure. Totally overrated? You bet. The most overrated.

JR

Radiohead = U2...not a compliment

2008-04-03T11:32:00.002-06:00

Radiohead sucks. And all you ass lickers who continue to promote, praise and worship these has-beens, can fuck right off.

Radiohead lost the plot after Amnesiac and that album was spotty at best. They have put out nothing but boring and bland shit since then and I would like to finally put it out there that Radiohead IS OVER. The only reason they continue to clog up Mp3 players and column after column of space on wank fests like Pitchfork (thank god no trees have been killed) is because they have the music buying public (well the ones who aren’t buying Madonna’s latest abortion) completely and utterly snowed as to who they really are.

Radiohead is today’s equivalent to U2. Now some of you might think this is a compliment. It’s not. Like U2, Radiohead has put out some incredible music. Put on some of the greatest live shows and dazzled fans with their unique and endearing interpretation of rock music. They’ve also faltered down the stretch like an aging athlete who can no longer carry the load. The ONLY think keeping them going is the good will they built up in the first part of their career.

U2 can do no wrong. They’ve sucked for a long time yet they are still considered one of the world’s greatest bands. I can think of two dozen bands who right now are making far better music than U2. Will they have the impressive catalogue that U2 boasts? No, probably not. But if we are judging current greatness by past accomplishments, O.J. Simpson, George W. Bush and Britney Spears would skip happily with Ghandi, Mother Teresa and MLK in a fairy tale land envisioned by indie rock dorks.

U2 will pop out a minor hit every now and awhile then coast on that for several years. Because of who they are and what they did (way back when), music fans will give them the pass. The Rolling Stones have been doing this for 30 years. The Stones, like U2 can do whatever they want because to say anything negative about them is tantamount to treason.

Sound like anyone you know?

Radiohead has crammed their way into this club too. It’s amazing that a band that has put out nothing but mediocre crap for the last couple of years, can still be held in high regard. Take a look at any music site and you will find several stories akin to “Radiohead’s Thom Yorke took a big shit today,” or “Radiohead has nothing new to add, just seeing if you’re paying attention” populating its pages. They don’t do anything and yet it’s reported on. Why? Because everyone has got it in their head that this band is still relevant and important, and to NOT report on them would be admitting that you are not relevant and important. It’s brilliant, top notch marketing.

Puff Daddy is the same way. We can all agree he sucks. Maybe he’s a talented producer but as a performer and a human being, he’s a complete sack of shit. Yet, does anyone come out and say this? No. Why? Because everyone’s afraid to do so. He’s still a popular man and more importantly, a rich man, so no one will stand up and point out what we all know: he sucks the sweat off Tony Little’s balls.

No indie hipster will admit that Radiohead has lost several steps. To do so would look bad in the eyes of all the other hipsters who have drank Thom Yorke’s Kool Aid. Hail to the Thief is such a bad and unfocused album it makes Ashlee Simpson records seem enjoyable. In Rainbows was only slightly better. I listened to that semi-stinker multiple times before realizing it’s like latte foam: a lot of air and kind of flavorless. The other aspect to the Radiohead phenomenon is that they did make good music at one point, and seeing them like this now is like seeing Superman die. Radiohead was the champion of all people who liked intelligent, important rock music. If you liked Radiohead, you were smart. You didn’t go in for all that meathead shit. They were heroes. You can respect the hell out of them (I do), but it’s time to finally admit that they are shadows of their former selves and making music that is sub par at best.

If you and your friends created In Rainbows, no record company would put that out. The only reason it got made and released (oddly enough by the band itself) is because Radiohead did it. Does anybody really want to hear the music Paul McCartney is making these days? No. But because he’s Paul McCartney we give him a polite pass.

Radiohead should keep making music. That’s their right. But let’s not step in a turd and pretend it smells like roses. The band is making uninspired music that sounds like everything else they’ve done for the last couple of years. Is that praiseworthy? Does that really earn them countless press on every music website? Separate yourself from who they are and what they’ve done and you will see a aging beauty who has no business playing the 25 year bombshell. Pam Anderson meet Radiohead. Radiohead meet your future.

The Rolling Stones and U2 are not relevant anymore. But like your grandfather, they should be afforded respect and admiration for the contributions they’ve made. Radiohead is not relevant anymore either. They’ve epitomized the law of diminishing returns with their lackluster musical output yet have forged bold new trails in marketing and promotion. Music geeks have ironically put them on a high pedestal because they can’t bear to see their heroes fall; writing stories about their every movement (bowel or otherwise).

So before the next bowel movement of an album by Radiohead comes out and bloggers and indie dorks everywhere rev up their false worship machine, take a page from the nostalgia act that is Radiohead and remember the “good ol’ days” when the band actually made music that mattered. And if you can’t buy this, have fun seeing these guys play their “bleep bloop“ snore fest music well into their 70‘s. Thom Yorke might even let you watch him take a shit….you can pay as little or as much as you want. I think we already have.

JR

Duped by Good Charlotte? Don't Worry, I've got a $75 t shirt to sell you.

2008-03-03T15:38:00.003-07:00

I think if you got into Good Charlotte when they came out, you can be forgiven. I’m sure you were young. They’ve been around for over 10 years now, so if you’re about 25 now, you were probably still in high school when you first heard the band.

Boy, I bet you feel stupid now.

And I’m not trying to diss you here. If you’ve realized your mistake, you may just be a pretty smart, well adjusted person. Lord knows I loved some shit in high school, but never anything as terrible as Good Charlotte.

I don’t know if there’s anyone else in the band other that the two ugly brothers with the tattoos. There probably is, but you’d never know it with those two creeps hogging the spotlight. I can see why you bought into it: tattooed pussies who “looked” like hard ass punks. Yeah, this would seem pretty cool to a 17 year old who hasn’t seen anyone else look like this. But now I’m betting most people who bought into Good Charlotte and the two ugly bastards who front it, are now feeling a bit ripped off.

Duped is more like it. You’ve been duped. Duped by some fame whoring, talent less twats who raped the current punk style and glued it to their crappy take on pop punk. The guys in Rancid saw these jack offs hit the stage and thought they were seeing themselves in some weird alternate reality they weren‘t aware of. Good Charlotte hit that stage and saw all you dollar signs sitting in the audience, buying their music and trying to be just like them.

The boys from Good Charlotte are more interested in selling you clothes than making music. That’s probably a good thing since they were so bad at making music in the first place. Third rate clothing has got to be better than fourth rate pop punk any day. The Madden brothers (the two uglies from Good Charlotte) have a clothing line (who doesn’t?) to cram down the throats of gullible teens these days. And that’s good considering their last album was a flop of monumental proportions. I guess when you’re too concerned with fashion, the music takes a hit.

And that’s why if you were into Good Charlotte, I think you were duped. Seeing pictures of these guys coming out of some store in LA with Paris Hilton and a bag containing goods worth more than any of their fans will make in six months lets me know that their whole punk thing was an act. They might have started out that way, but the second they made a tiny bit of money, they left that behind immediately to live their lives like the rich, spoiled Hollywood babies they were destined to be. Their “punk” look is just merely a costume now they put on to keep selling clothes and tickets to their shows.

Take for example the one GC brother who knocked up Nicole Richie. First of all, if you’re running in Nicole Richie’s cirlce, your “punk” gear looks like a costume anyway. Richie is a spoiled, LA party girl with no track record to the GC scene or any punk scene in general. How does this happen? Hey, if they like each other, that’s cool. Just don’t slap on your tattoos and black t shirt now because you’ve traded that all in the second you got with someone who is the antithesis of the genre you‘ve plundered. One of the GC brothers (we’ll call him Ugly Bastard 1 or UB1) was photographed at some “fashion week” event in a really nice suit and looking very subdued fashion wise. Very punk of you UB1, I’m sure all of your pop punk peers and fans were right there with you taking in all the great fashions. And come on, how lame is it that all of these musicians and rock stars are into “fashion.” Look, David Bowie I’ll give you. But how is it that some scumbags from Maryland who used punk and its clothing to catapult themselves to fame, suddenly find themselves ringside at a high falutin’ fashion show?

There is a disconnect with the fan base that happens eventually. The Rolling Stones milked it as long as they could but eventually knew that when they were jetting off to their homes in France or getting Knighted by the Queen, they couldn’t be singing about “working for the man” too much more. But GC and UB1 and UB2 want you to think they are still one of the people. They have the tattoos to prove it!

So if you bought into this lie, I’m sorry. Aping the style and hot music of the time has suckered in loads of people before you. GC was just one of the most recent to do it. Sure they’ll try to keep selling you on it (literally…they will sell you a $100 hoodie with some terrible print on it), but if you learned your lesson just move on and let these dicks fade into obscurity…counting money with tattooed fingers the whole way.

JR

We have a new winner

2008-02-27T11:45:00.002-07:00

This just in: The mohawk on kids has replaced the mullet as the new white trash haircut.

The next time you go out take a look around and see all the kids with mohawks. The common denominator? The kid's parents are typically slobby, white trash. You never see well dressed, or hip parents with kids who have mohawks.

I don't know why the lower classes have adopted this hair style for their kids but it really has to cease. Please stop imposing your lame hair cuts on your kids. They don't know any better, and it doesn't make them look cool.

I've been thinking about this for awhile and after just seeing a CNN story about a kid who had been kicked out of school for his mohawk, I felt it needed to be written down. In the story, the kid was kicked out of school because his mohawk was a distraction and the school didn't want him to have it. The parent (parent of the year I think CNN said) defended it by saying there was nothing in the rules about mohawks. They also said they would move him to another school instead of cutting it off....yes, move him to another school over a haircut.

Look, if you're a teenager and you choose to look a certain way that is controversial, I'm all for your right to look that way. But this is a kid who doesn't know shit. The parent is the one who wants this haircut because he/she thinks it makes them look cool. "Hey everybody! Look how cool my kid looks! Makes me look cool too right?" Not with that NASCAR shirt and crappy goatee it doesn't buddy.

So, yeah, if you want to uproot your kid, take him away from his friends and teach him to just move on to the next place once someone tells you 'no', go right ahead. He'll be moving on a lot in his life...with no friends and a stupid fucking haircut.

And isn't the mohawk really just an 80's haircut anyway? The mullet is essentially an 80's haircut but if you wore a mohawk in the 80's you got into fights. Now that the mullet has been declared "uncool," I guess it's only natural that a haircut that was so "uncool" during the mullet's zenith be popular now.

So a message to you dear reader: the next time you're out, look for the kids' mohawk. Then look for his white trash mom basking in that mohawk's reflected glory.

And a message to all you white trash, basking in that reflected glory: there's something else you can do for your dumb kid other than giving them a haircut that sets them apart for all the wrong reasons...prepare them for their future in the fast food industry by buying them a hair net to go with their cool haircut.

JR

Super Bowl Suck Fest

2008-02-04T14:47:00.001-07:00

Honestly, does anyone put any faith in the Super Bowl Commercials being good anymore? I know I’ve said this for years and years, but what was once a showcase for bland corporations to highlight their crappy products with clever and humorous ads, is now just a way to blow a lot of money and entertain stupid people.

It’s almost like everyone at the networks and the advertising agencies have given up pretending these ads are any good or have been any good for the last 15 years. Now it’s just “here’s some unfunny Pepsi commercials with animals attacking people! Enjoy.” They’re not even lying and telling us the ads are good which you know is nearly impossible for ad folk to do. When the lying sacks of shit who make the ads can’t muster the strength to toot their own nearsighted horns, you know the era of the “Super Bowl Commercial” is officially dead.

And with that glowing endorsement, here is my review of this year’s crap…I mean crop of Super Bowl Commercials:

Bud Lite had a series of commercials using the same theme of their product giving you some super power like breathing fire or flying. Then the use of that power went horribly wrong and Bud Lite would release a disclaimer telling you it didn’t do that anymore. Please see above about how lackluster all of these ads were and how it seems like the people who made them didn’t even give two shits and you will get a good idea about how effective these Bud Lite ads were. Kind of pointless, not very funny and still didn’t distract from the fact that Bud Lite tastes like cold filtered urine.

Bud Lite also had an ad where hen pecked dudes are dragged to a wine and cheese party only to have secreted in a supply of Bud Lite. “Wine is for fags and we just want to watch football,” is all this ad says, nay screams at you. Ladies, if you’re dating someone like this or related to this ad, cut ties now before he’s fat and bald and you’re planning on killing him in his sleep.

Another un-noteworthy Bud Lite ad featured Cavemen trying to get Bud Lite to a party. They say the word “suck” a bunch and the ad goes nowhere fast. I know there’s a cavemen/Bud Lite drinker parallel in here somewhere but I was so bored by this seemingly written by a 14 year old commercial, that I think I’ll just move on.

Under Armour had an ad where the black dude with the bulging neck veins is yelling at a bunch of people (all wearing said Under Armour) in a strange fascist like setting from Orwell’s 1984. In fact, it looked a lot like Apple’s 1984 ad only in bright colors and a fantastical multi-racial cast. I guess this clothing company is totally cool with having their spokesmen get up on a podium and shout “triumph of the will” like at people poised to play their best pick up basketball game of their lives. I know jock culture is very fascist at its core, but do you really want this to be associated with your product? I felt instead of those assembled going forth and playing sports like never before, they were going to start raping until they reached the sea. Sweat wicking fabric never looked so ugly.

And speaking of associations, do you really want your product to be associated with Sucking? Well that’s just what the fine folks at Pepsi did with their Justin Timberlake ad. The ad was alright and any time a cunt like Justin Timberlake can poke fun at himself, I’m ok with it. Don’t argue with me here. You’ve been brainwashed by this new and improve JT we’ve seen over the last couple of years. He’s still the douche from New Kids On The Block and his music sounds like he just ripped of Peaches, so don’t give me any guff about JT being cool. He’s not. In the ad he isn’t either and as some girl “sucks” her Pepsi, JT is drawn to her. Hence that sucking and Justin Timberlake go hand in hand. Again I ask you dear reader, do you really want to associate your product with this?

I do have a bias about the first Pepsi ad that was run during the SB. It was for Diet Pepsi Max and I know one of the actors in the ad. Now most Pepsi ads suck and are typically insulting to the intelligence of most people watching but I will say if Pepsi wants to pay someone I know a lot of money to be in their ad then I’ll say “Go Diet Pepsi Max!” Not really, but he was funny in it and deserves high praise even if it was a liquid I wouldn’t beer bong up my ass and spray in the face of Bill O’Reilly when he comes to Denver this summer for the DNC.

What is it with the use of animals in so many commercials? When was it decreed that animals=funny? Watch any movie trailer and if the main character gets attacked by an animal (either in the face or balls) and you can be assured it will be a horrible catastrophe masquerading as comedy. Looking at you Steve Zhan.

So many commercials used animals it was, well, unfunny as I previously claimed. Budweiser did a Rocky spoof involving a dog and a Clydesdale that was so bland and unoriginal I thought I had a large chunk of Two and a Half Men in my mouth.

Toyota had some ad about weasels chewing your face off and Fed Ex had something about killer carrier pigeons destroying a city. If these had been the only ads featuring animals they might have worked but after getting whipped across the face by furry tails for the first half of the game, I wasn’t having it.

Bridgestone used animals to successfully show their tires worked well avoiding the killing of animals but the Sobe Life Water ad featuring that super model who beat people with cell phones and dancing to “Thriller” with computer animated lizards was about as impactful as a baby fart in a bus station. If you’re titillated by an ad like this, you are either 10 years old or are wearing a diaper and a helmet. Rounding out the ads featuring animals, I was distracted by something during the start of a Doritos commercial only to catch the end where a guy in a mouse suit was beating the shit out of someone. Did I miss something here? Oh yeah, I missed how this is supposed to be funny. This commercial, like the flavor of Doritos, tastes like rat poison after you’ve had enough.

During half time of the super bowl, when I thought they’d really ramp it up, I was struck again by how uninspired and weak all of these ads were. It’s been like this for awhile and I’ll guaranteed that soon, if not even the next year, you’ll start seeing news articles on “How Come the Super Bowl Ads Aren’t Good Anymore?” Mark my words, it’s coming. And a big reason why is summed up in these two words:

Carlos Mencia. Not only are his Bud Lite commercials painfully unfunny and seemingly written by retarded 15 year olds, but Menica himself is about as humorous as a dead baby dragging from the bumper of an SUV. Carlos Mencia is the worst piece of shit currently stinking up the comedy world and any company that would employ him to sell their products apparently doesn’t need my money. It would take a lot to make me change the channel during a commercial, but Carlos Mencia and this terrible ad will do the trick. Whoever came up with this concept and whoever hired this cocksucker to sell Bud Lite should be fired and then shot out of a cannon into a dumpster filled with broken glass….then, made to hang out with people who like these ads for an entire weekend. That should fix em.

Planters had an ad where a terribly ugly woman was getting all sorts of attention from good looking guys. Later we find out she was attracting the fellas, not from some new perfume, but from rubbing Planters nuts on her neck and tits. Again, do we really want rubbing nuts on your chest to be associated with your product? I mean she was going to have nuts rubbed all over her face later if we are to believe this heinous freak was to hook up with some of these guys so whatever sells more nuts I guess.

There was a pretty good ad featuring a baby buying and selling stocks with E Trade. The baby was talking about how easy it was and then he spits up, thus confirming that he’s still a baby. Kind of cute, clever and involving vomit. Pretty much my criteria for a good commercial. Oh and if it involves Carlos Mencia’s death, I’d consider it good too.

Like I said before, the Super Bowl commercials have been bad for a long time and this was the first year I noticed the major media wasn’t going hog wild promoting them. This year was no different: the ads were uninspired, drab and nothing we haven’t seen before. It’s only a matter of time before the backlash starts. Perhaps that means better commercials, but really it just means Bud Lite will throw more money at the problem which ironically enough won’t improve the taste of their shitty beer.

So, like Grey’s Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, the last two Radiohead albums, anything written by Paul Haggis, American Idol, any kind of Dance Competition, Dane Cook and anything else that has enjoyed widespread popularity only to meet its inevitable demise once everyone figures out it sucks, I now add another titan to its ranks: Super Bowl Commercials. You’ve fooled us for a long time and now it’s obvious to even a blind man that you’ve worn out your welcome. You, like GW Bush had a great run while a small minority of us couldn’t understand how everyone else could be so dumb. But like GW, it’s all over now baby blue. Pack up your talking/attacking animals and please leave. Oh and don’t forget Carlos Mencia, he’s over in the corner counting his money and sucking.

JR

UPDATE: I was just watching PTI on ESPN and they dedicated a small bit to have the Super Bowl commercials have declined...next year expect it more and the year after that even your local news will have a story on it....i know, i'm ahead of my time.

Fall Out Boys sucks my Butthole: How to drive traffic to your website or blog

2007-08-24T23:47:00.000-06:00

I wrote a piece about Fall Out Boy sucking a long, long time ago (Selling Out: Fall Out Boy...a one man band?) and I’ve been getting all sorts of crybaby 14 year olds writing in to tell me I’m wrong and that I “obviously don't know the meaning to their lyrics.”

Well, I do understand Fall Out Boy. I understand its fans at least. Anyone claiming to love this band and who would go to such great lengths to reply to a random post with such nonsense like their lyrics “are probably too deep for your puny, little minds to understand” should never be taken seriously in such matters like music. Maybe in matters like which Dorito flavor is best, but not music.

They are also the non-makeup and slightly less bad skin equivalent to any fan of any variation of the Insane Clown Posse. Yes, that’s right: by proclaiming your love of Fall Out Boy, you just lumped yourselves in with that stinky breed of music fan that, no matter how bad the music is, you’ll ride it straight into the ground until it either becomes totally uncool to like it or you become too old to be forgiven for liking that particular brand of shit. If you’re a 28 year old Fall Out Boy fan, you have no excuse and will be that creepy dude at the 2012 reunion show who no one wants to look in the eye.

But don’t take my words for it, here’s what some Fall Out Boy fans have to say about it!

Anonymous said...

“If they have shitty music, then why did you spend all that time complaining about them? All they want is your attention and apparently, they are getting it. So what if they make bad music, they only want every eye on them, and I will agree that Pete Wentz, (the man at the front of the pictures) is selling out. But I don't blame him. As much as I LOVE Fall Out Boy, it will not last forever, so when it all ends, he will still bring home money from his clothing line and record label. People like you don't matter at all when it comes to Fall Out Boy. They have their fan base and as long as they do, the will continue to make what you would say, bad music as long as they can. And Mr. Wentz writes amazing songs. So you know, I am a 14-year-old emo Fall Out Boy fan.”

14 year olds don’t know shit about music. We all know this. If Fall Out Boy’s fanbase is made up entirely of 14 year olds, can they really be taken seriously? If you want to sell cell phones they can be! Hey you adolescent dunce, please do some research on “emo” before you call yourself that. Fall Out Boy might be wusses, but they are not emo. Calling the punk rock Backstreet Boys “emo” is an insult to the true emo bands of yore. i.e. 80’s D.C. music scene.

and this one:

Anonymous said...

you know what? Fuck you all!FOB actually has very good songs that are probably too deep for your puny, little minds to understand.

Awesome.

Fall Out At The Disco said:

wow you people no nothing. well most of you. fall out boy is a fucking good band. you obviously don't know the meaning to their lyrics...cause they are definatly not for little kids. So what if im 14 and i do kno 27 year olds that listen to them. If pete said anything negative about jocks people like that he was probably talking about highschool. And it's not like he chooses to be in the front all the time. Photographers put him there. They're not just about money. They give back so much. They went to Africa(might still be there)for Invisible Children. If you don't know what that is...look it up. They love their fans and they probably do know that a lot of fans are around 14 but that nots it. My mom likes some of their music. AND IF YOU DON'T FUCKING LISTEN TO FALL OUT BOY OR CARE ABOUT THEM IN ANY WAY THEN WHY THE FUCK WASTE YOUR TIME WRITING THIS! Yes I'm 14. This age discrimination shit is stupid. Their music helps so many people including me get through some things because their music makes me smile and I know they're there for us and we'll always be here for them. They don't deserve shit like this from people like you. They've worked hard to come to where they are today. I think I've said all I need to say.

Not only is this douchebag another 14 know-it-all, but their blogspot name is “Fall Out At The Disco” which leads me to believe that they are not only a fan of Fall Out Boy but the even worse band, Panic at the Disco….my god they suck. I could write 1,000 words on how bad they are alone, but this is about Fall Out Boy so…if the majority of people who buy these records and go to the shows are 14…I think that makes them a kiddie band. If a 27 year old likes them, well, that person is a socially retarded moron. They might have started out as one thing, but once they discovered who was buying records and tickets, they opened up the throttle and never looked back. It’s ok to be a teeny bopper band, just admit it. By the way, it’s great that someone does charity work, but it doesn’t make someone a better person and it certainly doesn’t make their music better. 99% of the time it’s a PR move. Charity by famous people is suspect at best. Have you given to Invisible Children from your allowance? Probably not.

Here’s a gem:

Anonymous said...
they know what they are. or at least they used to. after all, before fall out boy they used to play in hardcore bands and decided to make a pop punk band for a laugh. I think pete wentz just takes himself too seriously these days and likes to pretend they're more than they are and that he's more than he is.

If Fall Out Boy were in “hardcore” bands and “decided to make a pop punk band for a laugh” I’ll lick the drummer’s (he’s not called Pete Wentz) balls. So, guess what? I’m not licking anyone’s balls because what this dummy said is laughably not true. You gotta be a real sell out to have played in “hardcore” bands and then come up with this shit “as a joke.” So which one is it? It’s very convenient that the band they are now was a “joke” band until it became successful. Really? That’s your explanation? That is seriously the most pathetic excuse since Pete Wentz woke up with Ashley Simpson’s cock in his ass.

Anonymous said...
wow you seriusly have no life why waste your time on writing about a band you hate so much? especially if u have no logic of the things they do yes i am a fall out boy fan and i do think they are a great band despite what u say i think that ur whole age thing is crazy i know plenty of people over the age of 14! who like this band and yes im over the age of 14 and you saying that they will only last a couple more years is crazy incase u didnt know theyre doing well with theyre recodrs theyre not just a one hit wonder band that only apeals to "little kids"

Really? Are you sure you’re over 14? Your amazing grasp of the English language tells me otherwise. You must be 15 or 16 which is exactly what Fall Out Boy’s accountant told them is their target demographic. Don't forget to buy a cell phone please.

Liv said...
Fall Out Boy is not a boy band, dude. Okay, N'Sync and Backstreet Boys, etc, they're boy bands. They have five "hot" guys that all have "swooning" voices. Those are boy bands.

Have you seen Fall Out Boy? Patrick Stump, I think a pretty good song writer, is kinda chubby and c'mon, your first impresssion: "Nerd!" [No doubt, I fucking love Patrick Stump]
Pete Wentz, yah he's of course the hotty of the band and bi. If there were five of him, then i would say "yah they are kinda of a boy band"
Andy. Andy an awesome drummer is a nerdy looking guy with tats that kill. His hair is shaggy and he has a little beard.

And for god sakes, JOE TROHMAN! His look totally goes against boy band. His beard and little white afro makes him look like he smokes weed once a month, haha.

So dude, don't call Fall Out Boy a boy band.

Oh man! I forgot about JOE TROHMAN! How could I have been so stupid. If I had just thought of JOE TROHMAN before I wrote this, I would have had a different perspective. Seriously, JOE TROHMAN could just be a made up name. The whole point of the original post is that no one knows anyone in this band other than that sneering monkey name Pete Wentz. If the record company had their way, it would be Wentz performing live and in the videos with a bunch of robots or hot models. No one cares about the rest of those ugly bastards because at this point, they don’t matter. JOE TROHMAN DOESN’T MATTER. PATRICK STUMP DOESN’T MATTER. WHOEVER ELSE IS IN THE BAND DOESN’T MATTER.

This is a one man band, loved by children and totally over hyped. They might as well be The Wiggles, but I can’t say that because I have so much more respect for The Wiggles, I can’t degrade them by comparing them to these talentless assholes. Put on a some pretty colored outfits Fall Out Boy and we’ll talk. And for all you Defenders of Fall Out Boy (DoFOB if you wanna use that), you should check out High School Musical; it may lack the eyeliner and designer hoodies, but it’s no different from your Fall Out Boy…it’s just as shitty and corporate…and made specifically for teenagers.

Thanks for writing. You’re starting high school soon, so hit the books. Check out John Lydon's Rotten: No Irish, No Blacks, No Dogs for an example of someone who actually busted his ass for his music. Pete Wentz is George Michael compared to John Lydon.

JR

Trent Reznor opens his mouth and shit DOESN'T fall out

2007-08-24T22:56:00.000-06:00

I never, ever thought I’d have something in common with Trent Reznor, but lo and behold, ol’ Trent actually had something good to say.

Sure it was about the Smashing Pumpkins (an easy target), but nevertheless, I was pleased that he sees it my way. Here’s what I had to say about Billy and co. in the print issue of War Time Smile, and here’s what Trent had to say:

Reznor told NME.COM: "I was never a big Smashing Pumpkins fan back when they were the Pumpkins, not to shit on Billy (Corgan) or anything but I don't hear anything that would make me want to care.

"I think trying to resurrect the name Smashing Pumpkins .........its all a bit corporate for me."

Awesome. I couldn’t agree more Trent. I guess one washed up 90’s icon knows another.

Here’s the link:

http://www.nme.com/news/nine-inch-nails/30619

JR

Website Updated for all you out-of-towner downers

2007-07-26T13:57:00.000-06:00

The War Time Smile website has been updated, finally, with the content from the issue.

I still have two things to add, but this should get you over the hump for now.

The site is VERY basic because it's been awhile since I've done some web work and I don't care for flash embedded bullshit with video uplink to your ass anymore. Just give me the fucking information.

God damn do I hate video on news sites!!! If I want to watch video, I'll go watch it. But when I'm trying to read a story, I just want the info. I can get the info far quicker by actually reading then having to sit through CNN's gimpy video feed. Jesus....but I digress.

Check out the site. Comment on it and look for a new issue in September....oh yeah,
www.wartimesmile.com

JR

It's Out on the Streets Like a Colfax...well, you know

2007-06-21T08:37:00.000-06:00

The issue is done and delivered to your favorite hot spots. If it isn't, let me know and I'll get some there.

If you don't live in Denver, the website will be updated soon with most of the content from the issue. If you do live in Denver, let us know how we did....and yes, I know there are spelling errors so don't bother with that nonsense.

JR

gettin' the issue back together

2007-06-07T15:10:00.000-06:00

It's pretty strange putting a magazine together after nearly four years hiatus.
I absolutely love laying the mag out, putting the pieces together and seeing it take shape. I'm not the greatest at it, but it's something that I truly enjoy doing.

It's strange because I honestly didn't think I would ever do it again. After doing the Hooligan for so long, I really felt that I had laid out my last issue when we released the Hooligan 10 year anniversary issue back in 03. But the Call of Ktulu went out again, and I answered.

I don't know, it may just end up like it always does: more trouble than it's worth and a total pain in the ass, but like I said, if laying the mag out gives me that ol' feeling, I can only imagine what getting the issue out on the street will be like...not to mention that first flurry of hate mail we will most definitely receive.

Oh yeah, can't wait for that.

So, if you care, the issue is coming along nicely and should be out around June 15th. More as it develops.

JR

here's an UPDATE for ya....

2007-05-29T20:00:00.000-06:00

War Time Smile is going retro and putting out a print version.

It will be available all over Denver and feature all the groovy shit you've come to expect from your ol' pal Reidy.

It will be a lot like The Hooligan and in fact the working title was SSDN, or Same Shit Different Name. I still think you'll like it.

More details to follow. The issue will be out soon. Let me know if you have questions or you want to throw money at us.

JR

Weekly Wrap Up

2007-03-19T22:05:00.000-06:00

All of Iran is furious over the movie 300. The film, which depicts a small Spartan army kicking the ass of the massive Persian army, has gotten the Iranians all mad because it depicts the Persians as blood thirsty barbarians. They are claiming the movie is just another attempt by America to make Iran look bad.

Here’s a news flash for you Iran: 98% of the drooling retards who went and soaked up the homoerotic bloodbath that is 300, have no idea that Persia is now Iran. To the average movie goer (a slack mouthed gaper), Persia is the setting of a video games and cartoons they spend hours watching while eating their weight in Combos.

So quit crying Iran. If you just stuck with your already narrow (and somewhat true) view of Americans, you wouldn’t have your feelings hurt by a bunch of douches who couldn’t find Chicago on a map, let alone Iran.

Reign over Me starring Adam Sandler in bad Bob Dylan wig, desperately trying to be taken seriously is currently on the top of my list of lame ass shit.

Sandler plays some schlub whose family died in 9/11 (ooh! I feel the tears being jerked right out of me!) and how he gets his life back by re-connecting with an old friend.

If Sandler plays anything but a half retarded moron, he’s a complete joke, ironically enough. I understand why as an actor he wants to branch out, but after several blind stabs at “serious” acting (the horrible “Punch Drunk Love” and the ball smashingly bad “Spanglish”), he’s come up with nothing more than hot diarrhea in a dirty sock.

It’s not working Adam. Go count your money and crank out your bread and butter, numbskull comedy every once in awhile and everything will be fine. Beating me over the head with 9/11 and some formulaic crap about finding redemption in an unfair world only makes me wish your “serious acting” died in 9/11 as well. Jim Carrey called and he wants you to know he’s got the market cornered on crappy, serious movies that no one wants to see him in.

I don’t like college basketball. I don’t like college sports at all, and most circles, that’s tantamount to saying I’d blow Osama Bin Laden for all that he’s done for America. So, you can imagine that this time of year you can’t fart without poop misting some nerd talking about the NCAA basketball tournament. It truly is a real pain in my balls.

I’m sure there are some good games, but college sports suck because I can’t really get excited about a team I have no connection to. If you went to Georgetown or grew up in the town of one of these colleges, I can’t bag on you for being a fan. But listening to grown men lament over their “bracket” is getting so old, I’d almost rather watch a “serious” Adam Sandler movie…followed up by a serious Jim Carrey movie. I guess “serious” just means he doesn’t mug for the camera and smiles only when the plot demands it. Great stuff guys.

College sports are just young kids playing at a sub-pro level. You might as well go lurk around the local high school gym and watch some games you fucking perverts. I don’t watch college sports because I want to watch the best players doing battle. And this has nothing to do with the fact that the typical sports fan, who is a meathead extraordinaire, uses this time of year to be a pain in the ass to everyone within earshot. Nothing at all. And speaking of those kinds of assholes….

Watched “Borat” last night. It was pretty funny and I definitely laughed very hard at several parts, but overall it was ok. Kind of like it was on “Da Ali G Show.” I felt sorry for some of the people he duped but really most of them got what was coming to them. The old man at the rodeo who was talking about rounding up homosexuals just came off as a crotchety old man. He isn’t going to change, it’s too late for him. But I was really disturbed by the drunk frat boys Borat rides with in the RV.

Those guys are fucking scumbags. Their views on minorities and women were hideous and because they were so young I can’t cut them any slack. They’re just terrible human beings who are already set in their ways about the world. This part made me really uncomfortable because these creeps just seemed dangerous. These are the white people that make brown people (and most white people) scared for their lives. The funny thing is these guys were trying to sue the filmmakers because they said they were misrepresented and were coerced into saying some of the things they said. Trust me, I’ve seen this kind of asshole before, and they would have started saying that shit regardless if there was alcohol and a camera present or not. These fuckers, more than anyone else in the film, made Americans look the worst.

And what college aged kid wouldn’t know who Borat is already? Don’t ask questions; just kill these people if you ever happen upon them.

It’s funny, I was listening to Dan Patrick on ESPN the other day and started his show by playing some of the new Arcade Fire album and saying, “this is the new Arcade Fire…trust me, it’s great, go get it now.” Now I love Dan Patrick, I think he’s awesome, but he’s like 50 years old and from what he’s told his listeners, is fairly new to this “alternative rock” thing. It’s just funny when something like the Arcade Fire can bridge the gap from haircut hipsters to “bracket” trolling lunkheads. There’s hope for world yet I guess.

Listening To: Arcade Fire, Art Brut, Emily Haines, Yellowman

Watching: Fast Food Nation, Frisky Dingo, The Avalanche (I Believe!), Lost (I Believe!)

War Time Smile: Weekly Wrap Up

2007-03-12T08:59:00.000-06:00

Wild Hogs is still kicking ass at the box office, proving once again that every crude, predictable stereotype of Americans is absolutely, 100% true.

But really how genius is that movie? A bunch of middle aged white guys (and their one black friend) buy Harleys to exorcise they’re mid-life demons. It has a ready made audience. It’s called the “Jeff Foxworthy Effect.” Brainless white dudes will get out and support anything remotely related to them because it makes them feel like they still have a say in today’s pop culture. And despite having Martin Lawrence in the movie, the lack of black people in the theater will draw them to the movie because of the safe and quiet experience that awaits them.

If there isn’t a theater out in the cracker box suburbs filling up right now with 40 year olds wearing goatees and some sort of NASCAR hat, I will eat my own balls.

Newt Gingrich announced this past week that he was having an affair the whole time he put the screws to Bill Clinton for having his affair(s). What a fucking surprise this is.

CNN claimed that Gingrich had a “surprising” announcement concerning his time as grand inquisitor of Bill Clinton’s penis. If you were “surprised” by this news, then I’m sure you were at Wild Hogs this weekend with one hand in a tub of popcorn and one hand probing your own ass.

Gingrich and everyone else who was having an affair while sticking it to Clinton, should be sentenced to Hillary Clinton’s campaign as official sex slave/douche re-filler. What kind of sick mind can sleep at night while doing this? Well, I guess if Newt didn’t go after Clinton it would have been more suspicious right? The bigger question here is “WHO IN THE HELL WAS FUCKING NEWT GINGRICH?”

Jake Plummer finally fucking retired from football this past week. After sticking it to the Broncos one last time, and ultimately sticking it to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Plummer called it a career.

Plummer was called a “rebel soul” by his mother and equated him to Pat Tillman, Plummer’s old teammate who dropped out of the NFL to become an Army Ranger and fight in Afghanistan where he was killed in action. Well, I wouldn’t necessarily call him a “rebel soul.” Maybe “shitty quarterback” is more like it.

I don’t have a problem with what Plummer did; in fact if more people did what was best for themselves and not for their ego/bank account, we’d have more happy people on the planet. What I have a problem with is Plummer’s attitude at the very end. In his press conference formally announcing his retirement, Plummer wore a shirt that said “Freedom.” This hints at the fact that Plummer felt like a slave to the NFL. What it also says is that he was extremely dissatisfied with playing football and getting paid millions to do so. That’s cool I guess, but it probably means he was giving less than 100% during his time with the Broncos. I don’t care what he said about “loving the game” and being a “competitor.” If you’re wearing a shirt that says “Freedom” as you unceremoniously retire, you weren’t happy.

Thanks for the interceptions Jake. I know in your new career as a handball champion (Plummer and his brother just placed second in a handball tournament here in Denver) involves you slapping a ball haphazardly at a wall…pretty much what you did last season for Denver…except the wall was the opposing team’s defensive backs and the slapping was your noodle armed attempts to throw downfield. Thanks for the memories!

Listening to: Bright Black Morning Light, The Good The Bad The Queen, Lamb of God, Hot IQs.

Watching: For Your Consideration, Marie Antoinette, The Sarah Silverman Program

This Whole Anne Coulter Thing is Totally Gay

2007-03-07T08:52:00.000-07:00

An astute reader reminded me of my duty to keep this theme going.

I really hate even having to write about Anne Coulter. Her sunken, crazy looking eyes floating ominously behind a sheet a skin pulled too tight over her skeletal face….I can’t stand to look at her let alone listen to her.

Every time she opens her mouth and dribbles out some calculated and “controversial” stab at someone who doesn’t agree with her and her master race leanings, the media scrambles to give her as much face time as she needs. Coulter just sits back and tries to figure out how she can sell more books.

This time, the white witch called John Edwards a “faggot” (in a round-a-bout way) while making a clever reference to Isaiah Washington (please see: “This Whole Isaiah Washington Thing is Totally Gay” for more information). She said this to a group of conservative fuck wads who all laughed heartily.

If this is her sense of humor coming out (great sense of humor baby), that’s fine. But this still offends people. I don’t give two fucks about John Edwards but it belittles him by calling him a “faggot.” And it belittles gay people for associating them with John Edwards. More so, it comes from a person who hates gay people and wants them all dead (or second class citizens at least). If I were gay, I’d have a hard time with this bony freak saying such things. It would be like listening to Ron Artest tell the League of Women Voters how bitches sometimes need a good slap; it won’t go over well.

Coulter’s main objective is to sell books and further her fascist ideas. That’s it. I’m sure getting laid out of this isn’t an issue because her vagina dried up for good years ago, so making money and pushing an obviously diabolical agenda is her main goal. I have no problem with a difference in opinion, but when one as reckless and obviously disturbed as Coulter’s is farted out, I get a little queasy.

Take a look at Coulter’s eyes the next time she’s forced into your life. She’s got the dead eyed look of someone who’s not in control anymore. There’s a wild insanity hiding behind those eyes that you can almost see clawing its way out. She says things and you think to yourself “yeah, I see where someone might consider that to be funny,” but when she says it, it comes across as cold and robotic. When she does hit rock bottom and has to make some sort of concession to keep her ass out of the loony bin, I’m betting good money that we’ll hear how she was molested by someone wearing a Richard Nixon mask. Bet on it.

But of course by writing about her, I’ve just crammed more “attention cock” down her throat. She craves the “attention cock” and will take it from anyone. She’ll say anything to get it. All the while pleasing her white, male Over Lords and looking to them for a nod of approval. If she wasn’t so transparent and obvious in what she’s doing, I’d be terrified of her.

But she isn’t going to be let off the hook for this one. If an actor and a basketball player are going to be put through the ringer for it, Coulter should too. The thing about the actor and the basketball player is they could probably see how what they said is negative. They might never be totally comfortable with gay people but at least they’ll understand why people were upset about it and do something to save their careers. Coulter will be unapologetic until the end. She might go out and sport kill a couple of gay guys just to celebrate. And that’s why she needs to be punished for it.

Eventually she will be reduced to skeleton in a blonde wig screaming about liberals and 911 widows to a brick wall. That’s going to be hilarious. But until that time, she’s going to lay low for awhile plotting her comeback. She’s like the transvestite version of Jason from Friday the 13^th, always lurking. And when she does come back, she’s going to need all the “attention cock” you can cram down her throat. Do you have a few inches to spare for America?

Selling Out: Fall Out Boy...a one man band?

2007-03-06T09:32:00.000-07:00

We won’t get in to any kind of debate whether Fall Out Boy sucks or not. They do suck, so there’s no reason to evaluate their music or their apparent lack of worth to the world of music.

If you didn’t know any better, you’d think that lame dude with the hair in his eyes and the tight pants was the singer because he’s always front and center whenever a photo is snapped. But he’s not. I think he’s the bass player and yet there he is; always pushed to the front because he’s the most popular and the other members of the band are slightly more homely.

That irks me about Fall Out Boy, but that’s not why I’m writing this. The problem I have with these dubiously talented clowns is the obvious double standard that they put forth in their public personas. They act like grown ups and want you to treat them thusly, yet they make music for kids. They’re the Raffi of the emo set.

Now it’s fine if you make music for kids. The Wiggles do it. But you’ll never see the Wiggles pretending to be tough guys; putting themselves out there as serious musicians whose music transcends age. No. The Wiggles make music for kids and they know this. They know you know this.

But Fall Out Boy pretends to be big boys. They want to be taken seriously with their music and will do everything in their power to keep that illusion going. The douche bass player gives 90 interviews a day talking about how crazy he is and “adult.” You’d never see Murray from the Wiggles doing that.

There’s a great line from a Jawbreaker song that goes like this: “Everyone tells me they're crazy / Well crazy people aren't so fucking boring.” That sums these assholes up pretty well. If only they were 1/8 as good as Jawbreaker.

Anyway, the fact that Fall Out Boy is a kid’s band and they don’t admit it does piss me off, but that’s at the heart of why I hate them so much. My main gripe is how a band like this adopts a punk persona, is nothing more than a teeny bopper act and will sell themselves to the highest bidder. Tattoos cover up more than skin with these cunts.

Sure, sure, it’s all about money these days. Yeah, that’s fine. Iggy has his song on a commercial for cruise ships; The Clash had their stuff in car commercials. I had trouble with things like that for awhile, but then I realized in The Clash’s case, Joe Strummer had a family and I’m sure they wanted their future to be secure. Iggy probably never got paid anything in his early days and needed a little bread to get by. Whether he was buying a summer home or putting food on the table, these guys paid their dues; I can’t totally dismiss them for doing it now.

But what gets my balls in a bind is when young artists will sell themselves as quickly as a Colfax Ho who sees the crack man leaving for the night. They can’t wait to sell out. They sign on the dotted line and they gleefully give their songs away like they’re handing their kid over to the local child molester. They got their money, they’ll just make more crappy songs.

I saw a cell phone commercial for the V Cast phone the other night. The commercial shows a near retarded meat head, working out in a gym, listening to Fall Out Boy on his phone. This guy is Fall Out Boy’s worst nightmare but yet probably their best customer. He’s all sweaty from pumping iron, he’s buff and probably can’t decide whether ripping a homo’s arm off or date raping some dumbass that went out with him would make a better Friday night. This guy would beat Fall Out Boy senseless if they walked into his sports bar after only four Coors Lights.

And yet Fall Out Boy is totally fine with having their product (music) associated with this animal. Now obviously bands can’t dictate who can and cannot listen to their music. Lord knows I’ve been to enough shows to see that there are some people who will gravitate toward a band that are not only out of tune with the band’s politics but completely out of line with society’s rules in general. You can’t choose your family or the people who listen to your music apparently.

But you can have a say in how your music is represented. If not, then don’t sign the contract. It’s as easy as that. I read an interview with Fall Out Boy’s douche bass player and he made negative comments about frat boys and jocks and whatnot. They put the image out there they don’t like these people yet they sold their name, image and music to a commercial featuring one of those people. I think this classifies as a classic “sell out.”

“Selling Out” got a bad name in the 90’s when all the alterna-bands went for the cash grab and signed major label deals leaving all the hipsters to snidely cry “sell out” on anyone who wanted a better life for themselves and their family. The cry of “sell out” was so loud and constant that eventually it was tuned out. “Selling out” then went on unimpeded and anyone crying “sell out” was poo-pooed like a liberal calling in to Rush Limbaugh. It became ok to “sell out” because it was uncool to call anyone on it.

Fall Out Boy sold out here big time. They not only sold their song to a completely horrific product but they’ve done damage to their image as well. Some may argue that this is their fan base (meat heads and teenagers), and now they are just coming out of the closet as it were. I will argue that they’ve revealed themselves to not give two shits about the music they’re creating and sell it and themselves to the highest bidder. Remember, you can sell out and still keep it classy. If there’s a product you like or a way you want to be represented, if you’re popular enough (like Fall Out Boy is right now), someone will accommodate you. But that was very far from their minds when they agreed to whore themselves to a cell phone company. That Ho on Colfax thinks this undignified.

Yeah, these creeps will still be able to make music and live comfortably which I’m sure is any musician’s dream, but when their teenage fans grow up and their meathead admirers die from hopefully some horrible death, no one is going to want to listen to their ear poop anymore. Sure they’ll be rich but by catering to kids and Neanderthals now, they won’t have anything left in the tank when the solo album from the shitty bass player comes out. Oh and you know that’s coming soon.

I used to have a lot of anger toward bands like this (I guess I still do). They are essentially boy bands with tattoos that mimic an aggressive style of music while putting their own kid friendly spin on it. I wish them all the success in the world because it must be thrilling to do something you love and get paid loads of money to do it. But if we don’t call a duck a duck here, we’re doomed to be bombarded with shitty groups like this until the end of time. Oh who am I kidding? This will never go away, but with your help maybe we can have the Fall Out Boys and the Good Charlottes moved to kids section in your local record store. Right next to Barney and straight up their own asses.

This Whole Tim Hardaway Thing is Totally Gay

2007-02-15T14:11:00.000-07:00

And this is why Isaiah Washington is being put through the ringer.

Tim Hardaway, long time NBA All-star, told the world yesterday that he “hates gay people.” He went on to say that he didn’t want a gay guy on his team, and if he did have one on there, he’d distance himself from that person.

This is all fallout from a former NBA player announcing he was gay a week or two prior. Hardaway was asked how he would deal with a gay teammate.

I guess honesty is good, but in Hardaway’s case, the completely ignorant and predictable way he expressed his honesty, doesn’t make his case. This is a news flash to all of the people who are like Tim Hardaway: You don’t have to like homosexuality. If the thought of two dudes humping turns your stomach, I wouldn’t dream of trying to change your mind. But to say you hate gay people (and not the sex act that makes you ill), is just so absurd it could be one of those hilarious comedies starring Martin Lawrence….which really aren’t funny at all.

I think Isaiah Washington is getting hung out to dry, but now you see why. There is a growing perception that African American culture is the least tolerant of homosexuality. More so than white Christians? I’m afraid so. And when you’re beating white Christians at bigotry, you really should evaluate some things.

If you took Tim Hardaway’s comments and put “black” in where he said “gay,” you’d be magically transported back to the 50’s and 60’s when sports were dominated by white people. Black people were not allowed and when they finally were, they were met with severe racism, from their teammates and fans alike. Most people will scoff at this and claim race and sexual orientation are two very different things. Sure. But when we’re talking about being set apart and vilified because of something you are, isn’t it the same thing. I’m sure Jackie Robinson had teammates who “distanced themselves” from him when he started playing. Is Hardaway too stupid or too filled with hatred to see how ironic this is?

So one bad thing begets another. If you thought the way Isaiah Washington was treated was racism like I did, now you see why those people put the screws to him. It’s just one more thing in a chain of events that won’t stop until someone grows the fuck up and gets over it. But that probably won’t happen based on what some of the callers were saying on sports talk radio; most were agreeing with Hardaway and supporting him. That’s fine if you agree with him, but don’t get behind someone spouting dangerous bullshit. Again: if you don’t like hot man love, no problem. But giving a thumbs up to a bigot is dangerous and will never ever lead to anything good.

Tim Hardaway, who hasn’t played in years, lives in a world where saying stuff like this doesn’t hurt him. Sure, the NBA immediately dropped him from having anything to do with their organization, but he’s already paid. Isaiah Washington works in a world where saying that type of thing will hurt him. I pity the next black actor, or someone in a similar profession who says something dumb about his/her gay contemporaries, because now, A.T. (After Tim), that person is going to pay dearly.

We’re just starting to see this heat up and it’s going to be one salvo after another.

I’m with the gays on this one. What Hardaway said wasn’t “keepin’ it real” it was ignorant and hateful. And while his hypocrisy is monumental on this, I guess he doesn’t owe anyone the courtesy of remembering how American blacks have been treated in this country. A racist can come out and say he hates black people, but no one in their right mind will come forward and say that person’s statement should be applauded. Hardaway has shown that he is a bigot, and instead of being commended for his “bold” statement, he should pitied and hope that he and people like him, will quietly go away.

This whole Isaiah Washington thing is totally gay

2007-01-26T15:56:00.000-07:00

If you have just returned from some place that doesn’t have the internet or don’t give two fucks about celebrity bullshit, you have no idea what I’m talking about. That’s good. You are a good person. I envy you. I envy you because I read all those ridiculous celebrity blogs written by annoying Queens who make a living ripping on some dumb actresses’ bad choice in eye glitter.

I read them because they’re a good quick read, they’re funny and it gives me something to talk about when with other people who read this crap. I’ve always believed that if you have something in common with everyone, you can get along with anyone. Or something like that. That’s how I’m justifying it anyway.

Anyway, if you’ve just returned from Iraq where you were hunting for the real culprits of 911, you wouldn’t know anything about the Isaiah Washington fiasco that is currently gripping America. Here’s what went down:

Washington, who stars on Grey’s Anatomy, called one of the other actors a “faggot” during an on-set argument. That subsequently forced the actor out of the closet and made Washington look like a grade ‘A’ asshole. He then couldn’t keep his mouth shut, denied he said it and then farted out a bunch of bullshit that made him look even worse.

I don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy, or Grey’s Sexcademy, as I like to call it. It’s a sucky show about humping doctors that brain dead morons watch to get a tingle in their nether regions. I’m all for humping (that’s what it will say on my tombstone), but this show is just lame. If you like it, good for you, but pornos have better plots and acting I’m sure.

Washington sounds like a dickhead. From all accounts, he’s a hot head and anyone who would react this way has got some issues. Especially since he works in Hollywood where an actor being gay is probably as common as wearing socks. If you work in movies or TV, pissing off the gays is like going to a NASCAR race in a turban, handing out anti-American literature. It won’t end in a good way.

So all the celebrity bloggers, who just happen to be fat, homely Queens, are all over this guy’s ass; calling for him to be fired and ripping him all kinds of new assholes. Oddly enough, no one is saying they will stop watching the show. I think that would really do some damage, but I guess they need their bad TV just like the rest of us. But they want blood and are doing everything in their power to get it.

But then I started thinking about it: people are really freaking out about this and for why? Is this really about someone calling another person a “faggot” or does it go deeper than that? I would agree that calling someone a faggot in this case is bad. The guy’s sexual preference shouldn’t be a factor here. If there’s an issue at the work place, where someone puts their pecker should never be a concern. So why are the gays so pissed off about Isaiah Washington?

Race baby. Race.

This is all about race. The Isaiah Washington fiasco has reached shrill, shrieking proportions simply because he’s black.

I will be the first one to call bullshit on someone playing the race card so you know I’m not a weak-willed, white guilt liberal looking to spread the good word by enabling some trumped up racist claim. The funny thing is, no one has brought this up in this case. They’ve let Washington twist in the wind and I’m frankly surprised.

I guess what he did was pretty bad. “Outing” the guy was kind of uncool. I would think if you were gay, you would like to pick the time and place of your coming out. Having some jerk yelling it across a soundstage for the celebrity obsessed world to hear is probably not his cup of tea. That was uncool. But after that, the actor went on Ellen’s show and she told him “how brave he was.” What? Really? Brave huh? I’m not really seeing how this guy is so brave for going through this. He gets paid a lot of money to act in a world that, behind the scenes, is very supportive of his orientation. There are far more people that have endured far worse punishment, physical and emotional, for their sexuality than this guy. Did it scare him because a big scary black guy said it to him?

I think that’s where this stems from. Black people have the “N” word. The “N” word is nigger in case you didn’t know. I personally don’t say the “N” word because I do find it offensive. I know black people (and most white people) find it offensive so I don’t use it. But a lot of black people do use it and I think the majority of the gay community, who have been maligned through hip hop and various aspects of black culture, feel like this is a way of striking back. Listen to any hip hop album and homos are constantly derided and “faggot” is used as a way to put people down. My guess is that Isaiah Washington opened his mouth and our gay brethren saw fit to cram decades of resentment down his throat.

The racial aspect of this is disturbing because it ceases to be about calling someone a nasty name based on who they are. It suddenly becomes a political issue where people are not considering that one asshole ran his mouth, but indicting a whole group of people simply because they’ve got momentum and want to intimidate anyone from saying something like it again. That’s fine, but shouldn’t you want people to stop saying it because they have learned that it’s wrong? Or is the out come that they’ll get fired enough? While one is harder to achieve, the other creates resentment and lasting bad vibes.

The only reason Mel Gibson wasn’t run out of Hollywood is that he makes tons of money. I’m sure there’s a Jewish guy or four that have a hand in helping Mel’s movies to the big screen. He said all the right things, but really if he didn’t make money, no one would have dealt with him ever again. Isaiah Washington doesn’t have the luxury of being Mel Gibson. He’s just a no name actor that no one ever heard of until this incident. Maybe this is good for him in the long run. Currently he went to “rehab” for his problem and will return to his hit show loving the gay life I’m sure.

Washington deserves most of the shit he’s getting but overall it just stinks of a racially motivated occasion for some payback. I for one think that’s a cycle you will never be able to pull out of.

So I’ll still read the bitchy celebrity blogs, but now I see them in a different light. As if it wasn’t bad enough that they all love that fucking lame hack Madonna, now they gotta play the Gay card against the Race card. And that’s a card game I never want to see.

JR

50 Most Loathsome People

2007-01-25T18:29:00.000-07:00

Simply awesome. I think I referenced this list last year and it's even better this year.

Have at it:

The BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2006

JB: Doing it to Death

2007-01-10T15:33:00.000-07:00

Did I mention how much I love James Brown? When the GFOS passed around Xmas time, I was going to write something up but didn’t (obviously) because 1) I’m kinda lazy and 2) I wasn’t sure I could due justice to how bad motherfucking ass this guy was. I’m a huge fan and yet I didn’t know how to talk about him.

Well, he’s still not buried and there’s all kinds of turmoil over his estate; his creepy wife is crying to Larry King about being locked out of the house and Al Sharpton seems to have his hands deep into the Hardest Working Man in Show Business’ business.

I’m not one to think that someone can’t “rest” until their body is in the ground, so it doesn’t matter to me if he’s buried or not. I think they should keep him above ground like Lenin and maybe I can go to wherever he is and pay my respects ten years from now.

At any rate, JB was just super bad. As you’ve probably read by now, there wouldn’t be hip-hop as we know it without JB. His style, his delivery and in particular, his music, contributed more to modern music than anyone in past 100 years. He’s that fucking cool.

Prince is a poor man’s James Brown. All his moves, his crazy wardrobe and the bulk of his shtick are cribbed right from JB’s playbook.

Justin Timberlake wishes he could take a couple of hairs off of JB’s corpse because there is more funk in the man’s follicles than in Timberlake’s whole body.

The first time I ever saw James Brown was on TV and it showed one of his early performances where he does the thing where he pretends to be overcome with how hard he’s performing and has to be helped off. A guy comes out and puts a cape on him and helps him off, but right before he leaves the stage he regains his strength and tears back into it. I was just blow away by this. I didn’t understand it, but I loved it.

Listen to any of his music where he’s calling out to the band members and telling them what to do; it’s a testament to the incredible musicians he had working for him as much as it is a showcase for his total mastery of the music. It’s been parodied for a long time, but JB could wave his hand and the band would stop on a dime. Wave it another way and the horns would hit him however he wanted it. He was like a diabolical sorcerer conjuring a wicked brew that you couldn’t wait to suck down.

Put on “Greedy Man” with its relentless funk or the slow, sticky jam that is “The Payback” and try and tell me this man wasn’t some sort of musical god on earth. He was.
Listen to his songs and just try to identify all the samples that were later used in countless rap songs. It’s just too bad he didn’t get paid for it when he was getting the shit sampled out his songs…where were Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson then?

Regardless of my paltry words of praise, there literally won’t ever be anyone as great as he was ever again. We’re left with his legacy though, through his music and all the people who copied him, wanted to be like him or just plain were affected by him.

God speed JB. Give up, turn it loose.

JR

Travel Journal 2000: Barcelona

2007-01-10T13:03:00.000-07:00

Here's more from my travel journal. This is re-printed exactly how I typed it way back when. I had run off to Europe in early 2000 and hung out in Paris, Barcelona and then Dublin. I was posting this to the Hooligan website at the time, and while some of it is kind of embarrassing, it’s still pretty funny. Enjoy.

Travel Journal February 2000

The coffee in Barcelona is how that woman from Good Times likes her men: Hot, black and strong! The coffee’s good and that’s not all. Barcelona reminds of how Cuba must be. Spanish speaking people with palm trees lining the streets, and buildings you think of when someone mentions Earnest Hemingway.

But Madrid is where Hemingway used to hang so Barcelona, or BCN for our purposes, has its own vibe entirely. But I could bore you with how beautiful I think Spain is. If you’ve ever been there, or even thought about going, you already know this. No, my travel journal will center not on the actual travelling, but the pitfalls and embarrassment that seems to come with it.

My first night in BCN I hooked up with an old friend by the name of Steve P. Steve has lived in BCN for the better part of 10 or 12 years so he was the main man to have show me around. We were going to warm up around 9:30 at a bar where you can pick up and play any guitar on the wall. I’m a master guitar player (ha) so I thought this sounded very cool. The place was closed because the people were on vacation. Vacation? “No one goes on vacation in February!” I exclaimed. I was on vacation dammit, and they needed to be open! Not really. Regardless we moved on. We went back to Steve’s place to have some beers before “really” going out.

People in Spain don’t eat until 10 p.m. and don’t really start partying until midnight. My second night in BCN, we stayed out till 6 a.m. (another story entirely). We went to Steve’s to have some beers.

Steve’s place is small. There’s enough room for a bed, a couch, a kitchen and a small bano (that’s bathroom in Espanol). But as he told me, the real reason he lived there wasn’t for the apartment, but for what was beyond the door in the kitchen. As we walked outside, I was treated to the most marvelous view in the whole motherfucking city of BCN.

A ‘panty dropper’ is something like the view from a house or apartment that will facilitate the dropping of women’s panties once you get them up there. Steve’s view could drop more panties then Leo Dicaprio, Brad Pitt and Ricky Martin combined. This was one spectacular fucking view, man. I took it all in, drank some beer and enjoyed Steve’s hospitality from his killer vantage point.

After some time, we moved down the street to a bar Steve frequented. The place featured rock and roll memorabilia on the walls and rock and roll tunes pumping out the stereo. The place was great and would be somewhere I’d hang out if it was in the states.

It was around midnight at this point and Steve said, “like clockwork, this bar will fill up at one.” Bing. One o’clock hit and, like he said, the place filled up before I even knew it. It was packed and hopping. We had carved out a corner earlier so we stood there drinking beer and having a wonderful time. This, believe it or not, is where our story begins.

It was at this point I was introduced to one of the local BCN beers. Voll Damm was its name and I will never, for the rest of my life, forget it. Voll Damm is a fairly hearty brew which tasted like a heavier Michelob than anything else. When in Rome. It tasted good so I drank it. Or I should say I drank an enormous amount of it. I was drinking Voll Damm like it wasn’t just going out of style, but like I had a fire to put out somewhere deep within my body. Bud lite it wasn’t, but I was sure drinking it like it was.

Steve had a friend named Steve who was there with a nice French girl (yeah, I know!). We all talked, rocked out to classic rock and proceeded to get fucking locked. On the train to BCN from Paris I started coming down with a cold. I was getting sick one way or the other so I just said fuck it. I’ve drank my way through colds before. I’m an old pro right? I partied on like a champ (or chump depending on how you look at it). I had two Heinekens before I even met up with Steve and about five cans of San Miguel at his place. I then inhaled about five bottles of Voll Damm at the bar. Drunk right? Wrong. Really, really drunk. What Steve declined to tell me was that each bottle of Voll Damm is around 8% alcohol. I got slaughtered like a pig at Easter.

Steve and Steve saw me chugging Voll Damm like Coors lite and told me the next day they were going to say something, but….. I would’ve done the same in their place so I can’t be too mad. Regardless, the Voll Damm binge combined with the first nasty days of a cold, made for one of the worst and most punishing hangovers of my entire life.

I drink. And despite how tanked I was, I handled it like a true warrior. I’ve been drunker than this, but the hangover made me want to go home to momma. Leaving the hotel, I almost threw up in the hallway. There was a strange, feces like smell in the stairwell. Imagine that? It was gross, so every time I left or came back to the place I’d run up the stairs holding my breath. Now, it almost killed me. I think I was a pale green, but I was afraid to look in the mirror for fear of scaring the vomit out of me.

By the time I found the Picasso museum, I was the walking fucking dead. I was the guy in the “Thriller” video whose arm just kind of falls off. Usually I feel like the dead guy who starts doing the Robot at the end. When I got to the part of the Picasso Museum where a lot of his pen drawings are featured, I almost puked in front of a bunch of Italian tourists. I could’ve slept right there. I almost puked, but years and years of dealing with hangovers has conditioned me to not puke in a public place no matter how bad it wants to come out.

One time I went to a Sorority function when I was in college. You travel somewhere on a bus and you get really drunk and laid if you can still see straight. The thing about Sorority functions is you can go balls out, but you just can’t puke in the bus on the way back. The girl who took you to the thing will get fined and in a heap of trouble if you do. The time I went to this Sorority function, I got really, really drunk on Greyhounds (vodka and grapefruit juice). My date was unconscious and I, in a semi-conscious state, willed myself not to puke for a 40 minute bus ride back down twisty mountain roads. If you’ve ever had a ‘few too many’ a ‘few too many times’ you know exactly what I’m talking about. My brother once puked in his mouth and then swallowed it because someone was giving him a ride home and he didn’t want to puke in their car. Now that’s one tough mother!

Anyway, puking in front of Italian tourists and the magnificent works of Picasso was not in the cards for me. I got back to my room and slept it off. I was absolutely polluted. This hangover would have killed a lesser man I’m convinced. That night though, I went out til 6 in the morning. I was drinking beer. Not Voll Damm mind you, but I still got back on that horse and rode. I was sick as a motherfucker, but hey, I was in Barcelona. No time for a hangover (even as gargantuan as this one) when you’re in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. BCN is fantastic. The Gaudi architecture will blow you away. We could see the Sagrada Familia from Steve’s panty dropper. Sagrada Familia is a church that Gaudi designed in the late 19th Century and is still being built today. It’s fucking amazing though and you can go up in the towers. The rest of the city is stunning as well. The whole place has a great vibe. And while I’d suggest to definitely go and see Barcelona, please keep your Voll Damm intake to just a few.

The Best Rented Movies of 2006

2006-12-28T15:42:00.000-07:00

If you’ve ever taken the time to listen to me in the past, you will know that I don’t go to the movies. The talking, the candy wrapper crinkling, the noxious breathing of the horrible masses…I’d rather stay at home and watch a movie with only my own noxious gases stinking up the place.

So here are some (rented) films that I enjoyed in the past year:

Waiting

What looked like cheap laughs served up in a taco shell of typical crap, was actually a funny and fairly accurate portrayal of what it’s like to work in a restaurant. Some of it was a bit fantastical (like if you have the time to play as many ball tricks as they did, your restaurant would close due to lack of business), but otherwise nailed life off of the floor.

Walk the Line

Loves me some Johnny Cash so I liked this docudrama of his life. Joaquin Phoenix was fine as Cash and Reese Witherspoon was even better as June, but at points it just seems like a made for TV movie. I don’t think it was so much the fault of the filmmakers as the subject matter isn’t dramatic enough to justify making a full blown movie. If you like Cash, well you’ve probably already seen it.

Broken Flowers

Jim Jarmusch gets Bill Murray to do a full length and with awesome results. The only bad thing I can say about this is Murray retraces his steps as the glum older man he did so well in Lost in Translation, but I think overall, this is a better film. Why Murray didn’t win a best actor award for Rushmore, let alone Lost in Translation the crime of the century. We’ve seen this before from Murray but really the story and the people in this make it such a good movie. One of Jarmusch’s best in awhile.

Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room

Greed and arrogance and the business world equivalent to the Bush administration. If only those fuckers would be found out and Dick Cheney drops dead before he goes to jail. If you don’t know this full story and want to get pissed off, watch this. Then find the nearest Halliburton office and wipe shit on their front door. Halliburton doesn’t have anything to do with this movie, but since Enron isn’t around anymore, why the fuck not?

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

I read the books well after I had seen the movies and while the books are of course better, this movie does a good job with the material. I liked that they didn’t dumb down the death and darker parts because they are important to the rest of the series. Overall, they’ve done a fine job bringing these to the big screen.

Match Point

Starts slow but finishes up nicely. Maybe the best part of this is the fact that Woody Allen isn’t in it, but I loved the way he pretty much points you to an inevitable conclusion and then yanks it back at the last second. If you haven’t seen it yet, forget what I just said. Scarlett Johansson plays a whiny turd and it suits her. I think she’s very overrated as an actress but she redeems herself in this one. Great viewing and very recommended.

Brokeback Mountain

I watched it and didn’t get a boner unlike some people I know (Phil L). It’s actually very good and the cinematography is incredible. The scenery is stunning and really the film should have won best picture when put up against absolute blood farts like Crash. I think the gay folk were pushing so hard for it and got a wee bit cocky about winning that the academy decided to teach them a lesson by awarding one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen (Crash) best picture. It’s too bad because despite all the hype and the jokes, Brokeback wasn’t too bad.

Good Night, and Good Luck

A good historical lesson on how all major media talking heads are complete assholes who could easily be interchanged with someone from Entertainment Tonight. Quiet and subtle and black and white.

Grandma's Boy

Kind of funny Adam Sandler type comedy (I think he produced it) with some fairly funny moments. The video game designer wunderkind who acts like a robot is pretty fucking funny. Get stoned and you’ll love it.

Akeelah and the Bee

Pleasant and uplifting. The little girl in this is great and while fairly obvious to see where it’s heading, I didn’t mind getting there.

Thank You for Smoking

Well done, witty and smart. The best part is seeing Katie Holmes…I mean Kate Cruise get her tube packed like a casing at Hillshire Farms. You’ll never see it again so watch it a couple of times.

Entourage Season 2

Kind of cartoonish but very fun look at a hot young actor’s life and his hangers on who live it with him. Really, if you’re dude who’s well past the age of this ever happening to, it’s fun to watch and dream. I would even be Johnny Drama at this point.

Big Love Season 1

Very cool and well done show about a polygamist family living in the mainstream in Utah. It’s great, makes Mormons angry and there’s tons and I mean TONS of humping. I mean, the guy has three wives so you know he’s getting it on all the damn time. Good acting and endearing characters, plus, did I mention all the humping?

An Inconvenient Truth

Al Gore is pretty cool. If everyone could have seen how smart and somewhat humorous he is before the 2000 election, I don’t think we would have had to put up with that destructive retard who’s in office now. Even if you don’t buy into the global warming thing, this alone is an interesting look at Al Gore himself.

The Da Vinci Code

I’m putting this in here because it wasn’t as bad as I thought it could have been. Pretty sappy, and kind of a dumbed down version of a popular theory on Jesus. I really didn’t like the whole “let’s get chased and have to escape out of an impossible situation so the plot can inexplicably move forward” thing they did like eight times throughout the movie. And why the fuck did the English grail expert have to double cross them? There was no reason for it. He wanted the truth to be exposed, so why screw them over when they were going to help him? That drove me fucking nuts….you know what? On second thought fuck this movie.

And that leads me to some of the worst shit that tainted my DVD player in the past year:

Nacho Libre

Should have called it Nacho Fastidioso which means NACHO BORING.

The Da Vinci Code

See above.

Friends with Money

Pretty much everything Jennifer Aniston is in pretty much sucks.

X-Men 3: The Last Stand

They took a movie franchise that put out two fairly good movies about some of the most interesting comic book characters to come to the big screen and completely chopped its balls off. This was so bland and awful it was like they took a plot from a Sci-Fi Channel crap-u-drama and crammed Wolverine into it. Shameful and poopy smelling.

Night Watch

Everyone raved about this science fiction/art house movie but what you need to know is that it’s Russian and seems like a pimply faced film student was given some money and he whacked off onto a movie screen. I think it’s about vampires but really I was so distracted by the ridiculous “arty” shots that it didn’t matter. Watch this only if you want a headache and want to be in a bad mood for the next week.

King Kong

This should have been called Rey Fastidioso which means KING BORING. I only bring up the Spanish name again because Jack Black was in yet another stinker. This movie is so goddamned long and boring I couldn’t believe it. And don’t forget that WE ALREADY KNOW HOW IT ENDS. At least in the 70’s version the sent F-16s after Kong and he climbed the World Trade Center. My god, you really have to be full of yourself and full of shit to make this movie.

Transporter 2

Well, Transporter 1 wasn’t very good so how could this be any better? Why did I even watch this? A monkey with half its brain missing could have written a better script than this. This is my rule for 2007: if the first movie didn’t boggle my scrotum, then I will not rent the second one no matter how much ass, car chases and gun shots are in it. It’s just not worth it.

JR

Some good tunes of 2006

2006-12-20T12:36:00.000-07:00

Everybody’s got a list. And so do I.

These are some of the better albums that came out in the past year. These are in no particular order because, like all of you, I love them all.

Liars – Drum’s Not Dead

Crazy and creepy. Don’t know if it’s so much a concept album as it is just a stone cold freak out. Deep and disturbing and a pretty far departure from their earlier stuff.

Band of Horses – Everything All The Time

Mellow and beautiful. Fans of Sunny Day Real Estate will dig this. There are moments on this record that these guys hit that will knock your socks off.

Belle And Sebastian – The Life Pursuit

Funky and groovy. Who knew B + S could lay down such jams? There are some outright ass shakers on here (which is kind of strange for this band) and some of the usual nice ballads they are known for. The liner notes featuring the hot Scottish girls is worth it alone.

Sunset Rubdown – Shut Up I Am Dreaming

Should I keep going with two word descriptions? Probably and not. The bulk of this is pretty good, but the song “Stadiums and Shrines II” is one of the best songs released this past year.

Decemberists – The Crane Wife

I haven’t even heard this yet because the assholes who are in front of me on the library waiting list won’t hurry up and return it. I’m sure it’s good because their last one was great.

Cat Power – The Greatest

Not her “greatest” but it was still a good record. Some nice Memphis horns give her sound a little less serious vibe. But I guess I like the dour stuff, so maybe that’s why this didn’t blow my ass out. She’s still got my vote though.

Mastodon – Blood Mountain

Again, not as good as their last record, but some pretty sweet metal nonetheless. With all these indie rock wankers ‘returning to cookie mountain,’ I think I’d like to return to ‘Blood Mountain’ and battle the Cysquatch or whatever the hell it is.

Camera Obscura – Let’s Get Out of This Country

One more time: not as good as their last record, but I am sucker for soft voiced Scottish girls singing about their problems. And any band that tells Lloyd Cole that they’re ready to be heartbroken will have my ear any day.

The Hold Steady – Boys and Girls In America

Where the Killers completely failed in channeling their inner Bruce Springsteen, The Hold Steady captured Bruce in a bottle without even trying. This album is all about Kerouac, getting high and chicks. I can’t think of any better way to spend a Thursday night. Goddamn do the Killers fucking suck!

Wolf Mother – Wolf Mother

I just about wore this album out. Sleazy rock and roll with a hint of 70’s metal and absolutely no hint of irony. These guys are the real deal and when they sing about the “white unicorn” they are dead fucking serious. Put on “the Joker and the Thief” and try and tell me it wouldn’t rock Lincoln’s face off Mount Rushmore.

Slayer – Christ Illusion

Reviewing Slayer is like reviewing the Grand Canyon. You know it rules, so why bother trying to tell anyone? But if I was forced to say something, I’d tell you that Slayer’s original drummer is back on this and he’s phenomenal. I’d also tell you that these guys just keep kicking more and more ass.

The Streets – The Hardest Way To Make An Easy Living

A theme: Not as good as his last album, but it’s got some good stuff on it. Skinner might need to get away from the narrative album next time. He’s too good to force the issue in keeping the story going. But what the fuck do I know? I know his last album was nearly a masterpiece.

Beck – The Information

Did Guero come out this past year too? Because if it did, Beck would have two great albums out in one year’s time. The Information is solid throughout and makes me think that Beck is some kind of a genius. Think of all those other acts that got huge during the thrilling alternative rock sweepstakes being held by major labels in the early/mid 90’s…can you name one that has been as prolific and consistently good as Beck? To the person who just had Liz Phair pop into their head: I will slap you.

Arctic Monkeys – Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not

This took awhile to grow on me. The music that is, not their name. Their band name is one of the worst in music history. Right up there with Carrissa’s Weird (now the aforementioned Band of Horses) and Bare Naked Ladies (now dead I hope). But take the bad name away and all the hype they received and you’ve got a pretty wicked, supercharged power pop record. Give it a spin and let it grow on you like it did for me. The album, not the crappy name…did I explain that right?

Hatebreed – Supremacy

As I am a sucker for Scottish girls, I’m also a sucker for ass kicking metal/hardcore with an underlying positive message hiding under layers of aggressive doomsday crunch. This band sounds like they could have been a straight edge group at one point, but sold their souls for rock and roll while still telling the kids to never give up.

Neil Young – Living With War

Despite this record’s obvious anti-Bush message, it’s still one of the better Neil Young records to come out in awhile. Try not to sing along to “Let’s Impeach the President” and try not to smear feces on the door handle of the next SUV you see with a Bush bumper sticker. Yes, that was me.

Primal Scream – Riot City Blues

I didn’t expect anything from this. I got it from the library and wasn’t even going to load it on my ipod, but I played it in the car and was pleasantly surprised. This is a return to the bluesy, Stonesy groove the Scream seemed to abandon for their techno funk/punk of the last couple albums. Don’t get me wrong, I love Xtrmntr…or Violator or whatever it was called (“Kill All Hippies” is a classic from that record), but this made me think these guys haven’t actually died from drug overdoses like they should have.

Flaming Lips – At War With The Mystics

Not as good as their last record? Yeah, why not. One more time.

JR

Kid Rock...I hate to break this to you but....

2006-12-12T14:52:00.000-07:00

Something had been bothering me lately.

You know how Kid Rock is getting divorced from Pam Anderson after they just got married recently? Well, I guess after he saw her bit in the Borat movie, he got all pissed off and was like "you're a whore!" She didn't like that I guess and decided to get divorced after three weeks of marriage.

What I'm wondering is, after he starting calling her a whore and the divorce papers arrived, did someone take him aside and say, "dude, I hate to break this to you, but EVERYONE has seen your wife naked. EVERYONE."

In fact, that same person might finish what he was saying by going, "in fact, EVERYONE has seen your wife boning greasy Tommy Lee. EVERYONE."

Is this like marrying Carmelo Anthony and screaming "BASKET BALL PLAYER!" Or banging Nicole Ritchie for a week and one day wake up yelling "ADOLESCENT GIRL SKELETON!"

Seems a bit obvious, but then again I don't roll with midgets.

JR

the Zune Sucks Cock Thru a Hole in the Wall

2006-11-30T10:58:00.000-07:00

Much like when I heard about OJ Simpson's plan to release a book on how he actually would have committed the famous double murder he's accused of, I felt the same way when I read about microsoft's Zune.

And just like OJ, I said to myself about Zune: Really? Are they kidding here? Or is this what they actually have cooked up?

OJ's premise was "IF I did it, here's how I did it." Which at first I thought meant, "I didn't do it because if I was going to kill two people, I would have done it differently." But then I realized he was just telling people how he killed Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman without actually admitting he did it...it's a little confusing I know, but so is the Zune.

Zune is microsoft's version of the Ipod and by all accounts, it might as well be a busted up Walkman with an AM radio in it. And just like OJ, it's a bloody mess.

It looks good, has a bigger screen than the Ipod, but in trying to out do the Ipod, it falls short like a drunk fat guy trying to long jump.

Here's a great article/review on why it sucks so bad.

Basically, Zune is in league with Satan (i.e. the recording industry) because they've paid the kickbacks those vultures were demanding because Mp3 players "just have to have a lot of illegal music on them." Oh yeah? Prove it dildos. Just saying it doesn't make it true. And while I'm sure there could be a song or two acquired "illegally" (whatever the fuck that is nowadays), the RIAA should keep their laws off my Ipod.

RIAA out of my digital uterus!!! Click here for a good anti-RIAA site.

So microsoft is down with these scumbags and make you pay for it when you buy Zune or music for Zune. But that's not all!

One of the main selling points of Zune is the wireless transfer function that allows you to send songs to another user. Sounds good right? Well yeah if it worked like it should. But as we all know, the record companies don't want you sharing music. That's what they've gone on and on about for years; suing little girls and single mothers.

If you transfer a song to another person's Zune, it deletes itself after 3 plays. Great for the record companies, bad for you. This is not a good selling point. It's like getting a locked version of a computer program; you can only do so much with it.

If I want to share a song with someone, I'll just burn them a disc and they can do what they want with it. When someone gives me music, I listen, and if I like, I put it in my Ipod. Sure after sampling it three times on my Zune I could then go and ask them to burn me a copy, but that's just more hoops than I want to jump through.

I know they HAVE to do this to stay on the good side of these record company bastards, but they're using it as a great selling point when most people don't give a shit and will get around it anyway.

A buddy of mine works for microsoft and he was pretty diplomatic about it. He felt like it could be really good down the line, but then again, he was really playing up this sharing feature that doesn't mean shit to me. It's cool, but the potential of it has had its balls lopped off like a cow at the Rocky Mountain Oyster festival. Fried and delicious.

I despise the fact that this product (one that had the only shot to take a piece of Ipod's pie) is so wrapped up with the file sharing political bullshit, that it completely nullifies anything cool about it. I know they have to suck this corporate cock through a hole in the wall, but by doing that, they've guaranteed it won't be a success.

People know Ipod. They know it works. More computer savvy people know better than to deal with this and not so savvy computer people won't know how to set it up. Why buy something that doesn't work well, is confusing and gimmicky when there's already a product that works, is easy to use and does everything advertised?

It's like someone said, "hey I've got this paper that you use to wipe feces from your butthole, but instead of just using it like toilet paper, you have to run it through a special machine that activates its special feces removing properties. Then you gotta wait 10 minutes before you actually wipe your ass." Would you buy this? Not if you had to take a shit real bad.

I guess if that's all microsoft can offer, I'll stick to the Ipod. And I'll wipe my ass with a Zune. Oh and OJ can burn in hell. If someone shot him in the stomach and left him to die on the sidewalk with rats eating his eyes, it would still be too good for him. Now that would be something FOX should show on their crappy network.

JR

Winners don't do drugs, they eat them

2006-11-27T12:16:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this old story and figured it would be a good read. This is re-printed exactly how I typed it way back when. I had run off to Europe in early 2000 and hung out in Paris, Barcelona and then Dublin. I was posting this to the Hooligan website at the time, and while some of it is kind of embarrassing, it’s still pretty funny. Enjoy.

Travel Journal January/February 2000

This is my travel journal. Everything in here is true. Some of it is very embarrassing. This one is all about how much of a dumbass I am. Enjoy.

It’s very important to talk about my run-ins with French authorities before I leave and isn’t as fresh in my mind.

For someone who has minimal contact with law enforcement of any country, being nailed twice in the span of a week and a half was enough to last me a lifetime.

First of all, I’ll admit it right away: I’m an idiot. And when you ask, “what we’re you thinking?” I can truthfully say, “ I don’t know.”

The morning I left Amsterdam, I headed over to the net café/bar where I had been emailing, drinking beer and smoking joints for the last three days. It was located just off the Red Light District on a little tiny street which name escapes me at this moment. This place was great though. It was Fl 2.50 for 20 minutes on the ol’ intranet. That’s about 1 dollar and 25 cents to you and me. There was a smallish yet stylish bar and two pool tables in the front. It was more of a locals hangout which I always prefer. I could sip a lovely Heineken or some good coffee while toking on a fat one, chatting with my amigos half a world away. The night before, someone emailed me and asked, “what are you doing?” I replied, “why, I’m emailing, drinking a beer and smoking a joint. What are you doing?” This was great because I knew my friend was at work.

The thing was, I rolled the rest of my pot into one huge joint the night before. I figured if I wasn’t taking any back with me, I might as well smoke it all in one big shebang. The problem was, after dicking around Amsterdam for awhile, I was running a tad late to get to my train. Like and idiot, I got a really early return ticket back to Paris. After checking my email, I dashed back across the city to check out of my shithole hotel and get my 10 guilder (five bucks) deposit back for my key. It was at this point I remembered the huge joint in my pocket.

It’s key that I tell you I remembered the joint because it was all part of the plan to forget it. You see, I decided to take that pinky sized doobie back to Paris with me. Yes, this is where you ask, “what were you thinking?”

I know, I know. Don’t bring any drugs back. It’s like camping. Only leave footprints and shit like that. But I was swept up in this kind of mania that told me, “yes, you can do this!” I’ve always been such a square, I never take any chances like this. But this was a new me, and something took over that just said, “fuck your future, bring that reefer back to Paris!” At any rate, I did it. I got on the train, the joint was in my inside pocket of my jacket and away I went to France. Goodbye Amsterdam, you’re a lot of fun. I’ll see you again someday. No problem right?

Fast forward to the train station in Paris. Gare du Nord is a huge, cold train station. It’s like a big warehouse with people and trains and pigeons. It’s just like what you’d expect from a train station in the movies. And especially from one in Paris: dirty, dusty and cold as shit. As the train pulled in to a stop, I started to go through what I’d say if someone stopped me. “Oh, I forgot it was in there!” Blah, blah, blah. I really wasn’t sweating it which is unusual. Normally in the states I’d start shaking with a joint in my pocket when I saw a cop car three blocks away. But hey, this was Europe. They don’t give a fuck. But as I grabbed my coat, I smelled it: Marijuana. Strong and obvious. I’ve you’ve ever walked into a room where someone is growing pot, this is what my jacket smelled like.

Then I went into a different mode. I wasn’t scared because I think I was too dumb to be scared. My only thought was, “if I see a dog, I’m gonna ditch this joint.” The walk from the train to the station was pretty long, so I scouted ahead to see if there were any federales or checkpoints. It looked clear so I confidently made my way toward the station. Not hurried, but definitely not slowly. Like from some prison escape movie, I could practically see the escalator that would take me down to the metro. That’s when I saw the dog. It was about halfway up the walkway and my heart jumped just a bit. It was a black labrador and it looked like it was just running around the platform. And since drug dogs are always German Shepherds and things like that, I didn’t really think anything of it. The dog disappeared behind me and to the left. A quick sigh of relief came over me and I kept on walking to my freedom. But that relief came and went really fucking quickly.

The French customs guy nailed me so fast after the dog passed, I didn’t even have a chance to be relieved. To be fair, I should say the dog is the one who actually nailed me. The customs guy rattled off something in French and I switched to dumb American mode partially out of instinct, but mostly because I got caught flat-footed. You could have driven a train through my gaping mouth.

I said, “what?” And he repeated, with his badge out, “French Customs. Do you have anything to declare?” For a split second I thought it would be hilarious to answer, “just that I’m fabulous!” But then I remembered the joint. Mind you, this was happening so quickly I really didn’t even have time to shit my pants. I would’ve been handcuffed and in the back of a squad car before I could’ve squeezed out a pebble of shit or said anything so funny. Instead, I looked at the French Customs officer with the most confused looked and said, “no…?”

Just then, my friend the black lab came over to me, jumped up, and tapped his paws on my stomach. Busted. He trotted away to nail some other pot smoker. This pot smoker was screwed royally. Thinking back on it, the whole ordeal only took about 15 seconds, and come to think of it, it passed like 15 seconds too. It was a very quick, very real nightmare. Once the dog pegged me, I started to think about how fucked I was. But I also remembered how much my coat stunk of sweet, sticky reefer.

After the dog went away, I looked up at the customs guy and said, in my most convincing voice, “I’ve just come from Amsterdam. I’ve got smells on me.” Swear to fucking God I said this. I prepared for the worst, but instead of getting the worst (handcuffed and taken to of all places, a French jail), I got the best. The customs officer just waived me past and I didn’t hesitate to take him up on his offer. I was, like they say, outta there like swimwear.

I didn’t run, I took my time. And I even paused at the end of the platform to pretend like I was looking at train times to not make myself look suspicious. A guilty person would just run as fast as possible and get on a metro. Getting on the metro, I was constantly looking around to see if the cops were on my tail. Maybe they thought I could lead them to the big score. But no, I was just a stupid, asshole American and they were glad to be rid of my dumb ass. I didn’t feel safe until I was safely inside my friend’s flat. But I still felt like I was being followed. So I did the natural thing and smoked some of the weed I smuggled and tried to put it far behind me.

That was until a week later when I got pulled over for smoking a joint in a car with three people I didn’t know.

I had gone to a skate park with three guys I had just met. One was a friend of a friend and the other two I didn’t know. Actually to be fair, I wasn’t smoking the joint. It was weed with tobacco in it. And as I’ve already stated, I don’t do the tobacco thing. On the way out, they rolled one and I tried it, but couldn’t hang with the tobacco. These guys however toked up with glee.

It was on the way back from the skate park that French police pulled us over. This was somewhat outside Paris and I guess they saw the driver, a French guy named Vincent, smoking this spliff. I had the shits really bad and I thought, “great, I have to take a shit and these cops are going to hold us up.” But then they started pulling us out of the car and my annoyance quickly turned to a bit of worry. I didn’t have my passport on me and I was with three people I didn’t know very well.

One was a Greek kid named Carlos. He was friends with my friend and I had met him the week before. The other two were French and had met them about an hour and a half before. I figured they’d help me out since they knew that “Je ne parlez pa Francais.” That’s “I don’t know any fucking French” in American. But I started to sweat it a bit. Memories of my Gare du Nord run-in with the law started flooding back. But really I felt like I was in high school again. Driving around with your buddies smoking herb and having a cop pull you over. There was nothing worse than that. This was worse however, because I was in France, and didn’t speak French. I half expected the cops to recognize me from the train station and say, “Ah-ha!”

The cops started searching everyone and I began to get really paranoid. “Do I have any shit on me?” of course I didn’t, but you know how you get when this kind of thing happens. Being a paranoid delusional, I started to freak.

“Je ne parlez pa messieur,” I said as the copper pulled me out of the Citroen Festiva. He nodded to me as if to say, “yeah, yeah, you dumbfuck American.” As the cops searched me and I emptied the contents of my pockets on the hood of the squad car, I started to wonder, “where in the fuck did the joint and the weed get off to?” It wasn’t mine so I figured these veteran French pot smokers knew what they were doing. I know what I’d do, but that’s in a different country. In America they can’t just search your car like they were doing here in France. Or can they? I don’t really know anymore.

After searching the car and everyone who was in the car, and finding nothing, I knew we were in the clear. Vincent the French guy who was driving and smoking the joint at the time expressed through his body language and how he was talking to the police that everything was cool. He was French, but definitely of a Middle Eastern or North African decent. He was very cool and even though we really couldn’t communicate to eachother, he put me at ease. I even kissed a little ass and told the French cops they were much nicer than American police. Actually they are.

We got back in the car and after much spirited talking in French, Carlos, the Greek kid told me what happened. The cops saw Vincent smoking something so they pulled us over. He told them it was a cigarette but they still wanted to have a look. Before he pulled the car over though, Vincent ate the tobacco filled joint and the rest of his stash. It wasn’t much, but enough to fuck him up a bit. He took a hit for the cause I guess and I salute him for it. As for the rest of it, I’m done with France. No one speaks English and the police are too nice. Two near busts on an otherwise clean record was too much for me. Kids, winners don’t use drugs, THEY EAT THEM!

CSI Miami - Endless Caruso One Liners

2006-11-21T10:45:00.001-07:00

CSI Miami is one of the worst shows on tv. If you've never seen it, watch this video and see how David Caruso chews up the scenery like a fat kid on a ginger bread house. Oh and the sunglasses....if a real person did this people would avoid him like herpes. It would be funny if it wasn't so fucking lame.

Always crashing in the same car

2006-11-20T15:30:00.000-07:00

I might be stating the obvious here, but those Volkswagen commercials suck. You know the ones: people are driving along in their Volks, happily talking away to their friends, only to be blindsided by some a-hole who either pulled out in front of them or just barreled on into them like they had no brakes and were blindfolded.

They even have a commercial where two women are discussing the commercial. One says, “I think they went too far,” right before they too get hammered by an oncoming truck. They’re ok of course.

The commercials are supposed to show how accidents happen when you least suspect them and that by driving a VW, you stand a pretty good chance of surviving. That’s all in good but it still doesn’t take away from the fact that these ads will negatively effect sales of VW.

Yes, they are shocking when you see it for the first time and yes, you do remember them. That’s all a company could ask for when someone comes up with a commercial for them I guess. But in this case, I think they’ve backfired.

They didn’t “go too far” as the one woman suggests in the ad. Going too far would have been to show the driver of the other car (an American made crap-mobile) being carried off all bloody with an EMT furiously pummeling his chest. THAT would have been “too far.” I will give the creators of this ad credit though; making a reference to your own ad in another ad is pretty smart. You know somebody just had this conversation with their spouse or friend the other day and when those dullards saw the ad they felt an immediate bond with VW and probably went out and bought one.

“I was just talking to Sally about those commercials and a guy almost hit me pulling out of his parking spot at King Soopers!”

As I said, I do believe the ads get your attention, but I think in a negative way. Every time I see one of these commercials I’m constantly reminded of getting into a car accident. I’ve been in a couple gnarly car wrecks and I don’t ever, ever, ever, ever want to be reminded of those experiences.

In kind of the same way you get so stressed out in stop and go traffic, these ads don’t do what they set out to do. In stop and go traffic you’re constantly hitting your brakes and seeing red lights flash in front of you. You are in effect, narrowly avoiding dozens of mini accidents during your commute. This doesn’t give you a feeling of safety to know you avoided an accident; it really just makes you more on edge. The ad doesn’t instill a feeling of safety, it just tells you that you could be next.

The VW people want you to think you’ll be safe in an accident while driving their car. That might even be an accurate assessment, but who wants to even think about it? I know car accidents happen and sometimes they are completely unavoidable, but if I spent my life thinking about getting involved in one, I’d go nuts. I think it’s very unwise for a car company to show their vehicles involved in accidents…even if the occupants come out unscathed because deep down, the horrible sensation of being in a wreck is far stronger than consumer’s need to buy a car that’s safe. This ad works against them because while selling a safe car they still plant the seed in the driver’s head that he/she will ultimately end up in an accident….and it might not come out as nicely as it does in the ad.

I’m sure this works the opposite on some people. Some jerk sees this and thinks “I’m invincible if I drive that thing.” I mean, the commercial even kind of supports this. The crashes they get in are far more violent and jolting then the subsequent damage and condition of the people would tell you. Somebody’s going to buy one of these, get out on the road, talk on the phone, not signal, run red lights and….oh, I guess they do that anyway.

VW has made a commercial that people will talk about, but I don’t believe it will sell any cars for them. It would be like an Army recruiting commercial showing you dead soldiers because that too is a reality of serving your country. We all know that’s a possibility and they’d be nuts to use that as an advertising tool. I think the commercials that show cars narrowly avoiding an accident are far more effective because it gives the driver hope that they can avoid it while knowing that if they do happen to get in an accident, the odds are in their favor.

If you’re lucky, you’ll never get in a car accident. But it happens and hopefully you can walk away from it without any major injuries. In the meantime, I don’t want to be reminded of something as unpleasant as a car wreck. The way people drive, I get enough of that on the road every day. More hip tunes VW, and less twisted metal bum trips.

JR

You know Rush Limbaugh is a U2 fan

2006-11-17T23:59:00.000-07:00

The best thing about the Republicans getting readily thumped in this past election wasn’t the fact that they had to admit they lost voter confidence. Sure it was great that they finally had to look in the mirror and own up to the fact that they suck and have led the country down a dead end street. That’s awesome, but it wasn’t the best thing.

And sure, getting the Democrats back in power was cool, but they’ll just fuck it up as usual. Hopefully we’ll get a few good years of economic growth out of them before they do something spinelessly typical.

No, the coolest thing about this past election was watching the rats flee the sinking ship.

Rush Limpbowel, after years of staunchly standing by his right wing assholes no matter what, finally showed some cracks in his usually rock hard, fat ass when he said, “ I no longer am going to have to carry the water for people who I don't think deserve having their water carried.”

Now, of course he went on to say that conservatism was the only way and liberalism is evil, but he was essentially saying that some of these Republicans didn’t deserve his support and he was thus withdrawing it from them. His focus of this was about Immigration Reform and raising the minimum wage and how they had been let down by Republicans concerning this; because as we all know, Mexicans sneaking into this country to work are far more dangerous than CEO’s who sneak our jobs off to China. I guess once all of our jobs are in China there won’t be any work for illegal workers right? Cool.

Regardless of Rush’s drug addled ramblings, he showed me something special: Republicans and right wingers are willing to sell each other out when hard times come. I didn’t think it was possible. Literally for the last 14 years (since Clinton took office) the right wing has held a unified front. They haven’t wavered one bit in all this time. Clinton could have come up for a cure for cancer, AIDS and Alzheimer’s and they would have found some way to denounce him. Everything has been the fault of liberals and they’ve been pretty fucking good about convincing people of that.

In the past 6 years the right wing has done whatever they wanted. They’ve run the country into the ground, sent close to 3,000 U.S. troops and countless Iraqis to their deaths and never once did any of them break ranks. It was really impressive…in a deliciously evil kind of way.

Every day I was amazed at the arrogance and sheer brilliance of what they were doing. Here was an administration, headed by a buffoon, that was clearly doing the wrong thing by invading Iraq, yet they had such blind support from its party members and its voters that they could do no wrong.

If I had to draw an analogy, I’d compare the Republicans of the last 6 years to the career of U2:

1) Undying and somewhat justifiable unwavering support through its early incarnation: Boy, October, War, Unforgettable Fire = Bush reclaiming America for the righteous, combined with the very convenient 9/11 attacks.

2) Flashes of brilliance muddled by creeping realization that they’re losing it: Joshua Tree, Achtung Baby = Starting the war in Iraq, declaring “Mission Accomplished” as the quagmire gets murkier and deeper.

3) Then embarrassing misfire after misfire which seem cartoonish in its absurdity: Zooropa, Pop and big sunglasses = Shitty economy, ongoing Iraq war, no Bin Laden, astronomical gas prices, dumbfuck president, Christians running amok.

And during all of this, U2, just like the Bush administration, has maintained a massive fan base who would never question their motives or artistic integrity. It’s utterly amazing really. It either shows that fans of U2 and conservatism are either a) incredibly sentimental and loyal, b) are truly convinced what either are doing are brilliant despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary or c) are incredible assholes who would worship Bin Laden himself as long he converted to Christianity and spoke out against gay marriage. I think it may be a combo of all three.

Don’t get me wrong, I do like U2, but I can’t stomach the later stuff. Earlier this year I picked up “Under A Blood Red Sky” on CD (which parts of were recorded at Red Rocks, including the famous video for “Sunday Bloody Sunday”….[I was there! That’s me in the front row!...that’s what everyone used to say anyway]) and it made me rediscover why I like U2 in the first place. It still doesn’t erase the later crap they put out, but it made me despise them less.

U2’s fan base will probably never abandon them, but the Republican fan base did. Maybe it was only to send a message, but that message was so well received that a few peculiar things started to happen.

One was the Limpbowel thing. That gas bag has been such an apologist for the right wing that I didn’t believe anything could get him to say something like that. Sure, he still ripped liberals and the usual crap still dribbled out his drug addict mouth, but the mere fact that he broke rank even slightly is telling.

When gubernatorial hopeful Bob “Both Ways Bob” Beauprez lost his bid for Governor, he sounded remorseful and apologetic for how the Republicans have run the country. He of course said their way was the best, but felt they needed to try harder. It’s shocking when the arrogant and defiant are reduced to groveling and half apologizing…it’s like watching a bully beg for mercy; you’re almost too amazed to deliver the final blow.

Bush canned Rumsfeld the next fucking day! Talk about bowing to pressure. Nearly everyone in the military wanted Rumsfeld out but Bush backed him the whole way, even saying prior to the election that Rumsfeld was going to stay as long as he did. Well, he didn’t.

Firing Rumsfeld really told us two things: either he did such a shitty job with Iraq that now Bush couldn’t protect him anymore or he did such a shitty job with Iraq that Bush finally had to distance himself from him before it was too late. Regardless, Bush’s conciliatory attitude is a sign that things may be worse off than we realize.

For these arrogant pricks to act this way makes me think things are so far down the shitter that they had to immediately start making concessions because their bumbling adversaries just cut their balls off and took their parking spaces. There’s no other way to explain it. The second I heard the acts of contrition were going down I thought, “whoa, how far up the ass are we screwed?” If you’ve ever seen one of those horrible anal videos where an improbably sized penis is being crammed up some chick’s ass, you get a good idea.

It would be totally hilarious if it wasn’t so damn sad and a signal that we’re pretty fucked. By no means should the Democrats pull the plug on Iraq. Once everyone gave Bush carte blanche to do what he wanted with that middle-eastern shit hole, it was a done deal. There’s no end in sight, so make plans for your children to do a stint somewhere over there in the not too distant future.

But didn’t we all know this is how it would turn out? Bush would get what he wanted for the bulk of his term, only to have it turn out to be the nightmare that everyone knew it would? If you didn’t see it coming, you were probably distracted by a “Unite We Stand” bumper sticker, a Jesus fish, and a shameless tear jerking reminder about September 11th. But then again, those were the swing voters who ushered Bush into office in the first place and ultimately realized their mistake and voted out his cronies. That’s America for you folks, indecisive assholes who will back a winner until the wheels come off and then pretend like it never happened.

If Rush Limpbowel can pretend he’s credible and a paragon of logical thinking, I’m gonna pretend Zooropa never happened, U2 fans aren’t horribly out of touch and Bono’s just a shy kid from Dublin.

JR

Gas, Grass or Ass: I love election time

2006-10-20T15:40:00.000-06:00

I just passed a gas station on Colorado Blvd. here in Denver and regular unleaded was a mere $2.07 a gallon. That's the lowest it has been in so long, I can't even remember the last time I saw it that cheap.

The gas station that I filled up at earlier today (at $2.13 a gallon) is now $2.11 a gallon. Literally four hours later and the same station dropped its price by two cents.

Not boggling your scrotum? Well, if not you probably don't drive because two cents, combined with the close to 70 cent drop in gas prices in the last two months should give everyone who drives cause for celebration.

It actually caused me physical and mental pain to fill up my car over the summer. Partly because it was so fucking expensive and mainly because I knew the ridiculously exorbitant (extortive?) prices were going right into the pocket of all of Bush's buddies. Arabs and fat white dudes alike, all Bush allies, were reveling in the outrageous gas prices we all paid with a whimper. There's no denying it: Bush and crew took us to the cleaners and we took it with an uneasy smile.

So what do I really wish for? I wish every day could be a time when Republicans are facing reelection where voters are pissed. That's the only reason gas prices have dropped like they have. They've gouged just about all they could out of us and now faced with getting their asses thrown out of office, someone flipped the switch to bring prices down.

I'm imagining a Price Is Right kind of game in the Oval Office where a little card board cut out a Saudi scales a glittery oil derrick signifying rising gas prices set to humorous carnival music. Once he got so high he almost fell off the top, "W" pushed a big red button and the little guy went back down the derrick; Cheney, Rumpsfeld and Bush all looked at each other lovingly and agreed, "it was fun while it lasted."

If only every day was election time.

JR

The Killers: Sam’s Town: a casino I would never go to: an album I’m glad I didn’t buy

2006-10-18T14:06:00.000-06:00

I was just going to simply write a review of The Killers new album Sam’s Town but I was so moved by its mediocrity and the constant stream of bullshit coming out of the front man’s mouth that I had to go the extra mile. And you should know by now, that extra mile is long and hard like Madonna’s penis.

I absolutely loved The Killers debut Hot Fuss. It’s a modern day pop classic. And despite the fact the The O.C./MTV set got their nasty little fingers all over it, it stands up as a fantastic record. So I was thrilled when I had word that the band was working hard on their second album.

But then tidbits of info came dribbling in that had me concerned. First, Bono was giving The Killers advice and then singer Waylon Flowers started to open his big ugly mouth. Flowers was quoted as saying that the album they were working on (which would become Sam’s Town) was “one the best albums of the past 20 years.” When I read that, I just about shit my pants. You never say something like that and even if you truly believe it, you wait until a few more people agree with you before claiming it and looking like the fucking ego maniac you are.

Flowers couldn’t stop there. He publicly feuded with bands that were far beneath his. He made grand claims about how The Killers were better than Fall Out Boy and some other shit eaters like The Bravery. Seriously, do you have to open your mouth and claim you’re better than Fall Out Boy? That’s like stopping your car and getting out at an intersection to yell at a homeless guy about how you’ve got a job and you washed your ass today. It’s pointless. The Killers MADE one of the best records to come in the last 10 years in Hot Fuss, so why be concerned with bands (Fall Out Boy and The Bravery) that no one will remember in another 10? It all just reeks of insecurity and a fading belief that Flowers himself has talent.

Or maybe he knew Sam’s Town was going to be the stinker that it is?

He made up with Fall Out Boy rapidly before the album came out. Maybe he needed to circle his wagons to maintain maximum support for this dubious release. He kept his mouth shut…until after it was released.

The album itself isn’t a complete waste. It’s not the career killer that other heavily hyped freshman has crapped out in their sophomore effort. But it is disappointing. I again was tipped off that something wasn’t right when I heard the first single “When You Were Young.” It’s not bad but as far as the first single from the “best album in 20 years” goes, it really falters.

I didn’t pay for this album as I mentioned in the title of the post because my friend Eric (who gave me a copy of the first album) had downloaded it when it came out. He gave me a copy and I proceeded to play it non stop. After two listens, I wondered if Eric had downloaded it correctly. The song order seems horribly out of whack and I went back and checked what the correct order was online and found out that Eric had done it right. Listening to Sam’s Town, it sounds like whoever chose the track listing was either incredibly high or incredibly high on himself: looking at you Waylon Flowers.

(Note: I know his name is Brandon Flowers but I prefer to call him the gay ventriloquist whose puppet was that creepy old lady named Madame….come to think of it, I think this douche should go solo, buy the puppet from the Waylon Flowers estate and call himself Brandon Flowers and Madame. Couldn’t hurt at this point.)

Since Flowers is a Mormon, something he lets everyone within earshot know, I don’t think he was high; so I have to think he’s incredibly high on himself. If he was the one who put these tracks together, he deserves all the shit. The way this album plays is like a mixed tape put together by a deaf crack whore. It simply does not work.

There are some good tracks on here, and The Killers have come up with moments where they seem to be getting it in gear, but it’s done in by the unfortunate track sequencing and some bland songwriting…more on the shoulders of Flowers.

So the album comes out and Flowers starts to open his mouth again. He’s complaining about Green Day and their American Idiot DVD that was filmed in Britain. I think any artist that goes to another country to sell their anti-Bush sentiment is pretty cowardly. The Dixie Chicks knew they couldn’t go on stage in Texas and call Bush out, so they went to England and dissed him. Yeah, pretty radical ladies. The bulk of Europe hates Bush so you figured you had a receptive audience. That wouldn’t play here and if you did do that in America, you could have kissed your careers goodbye. The only thing that has kept them around is that they said it in another country. To me it’s completely cowardly. I love what they said, but saying it in England is like taunting someone when you’ve got three people keeping you separated. It’s just wussy.

So Green Day filmed their American Idiot DVD in England, and Flowers got all upset because he believed it was un-American because the reaction of the audience to the lyrics. First of all, I don’t need Waylon Flowers talking to me about patriotism. He should get back in the studio and make up for “the best album of the past 20 years” instead of lecturing me about being an American. Second, I would reckon that Green Day would get that reaction from their audience no matter where they played. This isn’t the Dixie Chicks who completely sold out their fan base by what they said. No, Green Day’s fans, no matter where they live, are probably down with a little anti-Bush sentiment. The fact still remains that The Killers front man is commenting on this and someone is writing it down. I’m reading it and wondering how I could be better spending my time.

It really goes without saying that this mother fucker should keep his goddamn mouth shut. I think you earn the right to talk shit and this guy has not earned anything with the release of Sam’s Town. It seems that he kept his mouth moving before it was released, then shut up for awhile as it was being released. He realized he put out a sub par second album and then decided to cover this fact up by flapping his lips again. I pay (or not I guess) to hear what this fuck head has to say on his album, not while he’s contemplating the obvious about how much Panic at the Disco sucks. If he spent half the energy he used to blow farts out of his mouth and put that into making Sam’s Town, his ridiculous grand standing might not even be an issue. When people talk shit in our society AND they deliver, we never say a word against them. It’s when they puff themselves up and deliver like a drunken 50 year old without his Viagra that we publicly flay them and refuse to buy anything they’re selling.

I think a lot people probably bought Sam’s Town thinking it was going to deliver but slowly realized (as they scanned the receipt seeing if they could return it) that it’s a lot of hot air propped up by hype and one man’s delusion that it’s the “best of the past 20 years” (I love typing that).

History should prove that Sam’s Town didn’t deliver the promise of the band’s front man. And that front man may end up being about as hollow as the puppet he will eventually call his partner when he inevitably goes solo. Thanks for fucking us in the ass and taking our money (or not).

JR

Republicans: Self-Loathing Sword Swallowers? Or Hypocritical Homosexuals?

2006-10-03T11:49:00.000-06:00

You know, for a group of people who try so hard to ban gay marriage and obliterate any last remnant of fabulousness in our gay friends, the Republicans sure do have a lot of homos in their ranks.

It’s been said that a true marker of denial of oneself is the person who is so opposed to something it borders on the obsessive. Republicans are obsessed with the gay folk, yet they do everything in their power to stomp them out like a cigarette in Boulder (in Denver???).

But are they really as opposed to gayness as they appear to be? Something tells me that right wing closet is full and I ain’t talking about being packed with nice clothes and kickbacks.

Take House Representative Mark Foley for example. Here’s a guy who pushes the Republican agenda every day. Stands firm when gay marriage is called an abomination to God by his fellow right wingers, and casually votes for legislation that denies people their human rights because some religiously mentally ill asshole can’t fathom why two dudes would want to touch each other down there and then go buy new drapes.

The problem here is simple: Mark Foley is gay himself. He’s the jerk off that got busted for soliciting sex from teen male pages in Washington. He was caught red handed sending suggestive (as in ‘I want to pork you soon’) IM’s to one of the teens and now the Republicans are scrambling because once again, it shows us just what cocksuckers (not the good kind) they are.

Once this all came out, Foley suddenly had an alcohol problem and was being treated for that and mental illness. Now normally I’d be outraged at the mental illness claim because saying someone who is gay has a mental illness is just bullshit. But Foley was co-chairman of the Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus and that to me just stinks of not only evil, but crazy as well. If anyone would know something about how to exploit a child, it would be this creep. Maybe he is crazy. This would be like finding out that John Mark Karr was the janitor over at the local KinderKare. Regardless, they had to make it look like this guy had a problem. It’s the alcoholism that I don’t buy.

I think Republican leaders like Dennis Hastert needed something else to blame other than Foley’s unholy thirst for boy butt. So he chose alcohol. If this guy was doing this stone cold sober, who in their right mind would have any mercy on these jerks when the elections roll around next month? Certainly the bible beaters who routinely vote these assholes in would need to think that alcohol (along with Satan) was what made this guy do these things and not that he was just a sick fuck like all the rest of his cronies. Maybe they would need alcohol themselves just to get to the voting booth. Maybe they need some alcohol to cope with all the young men they’ve sent to their deaths in the asshole of the world too.

One funny thing about this is Foley has been replaced on the ballot in Florida (Amazing! He’s from Florida!) by another Republican candidate, but Foley’s name will stay on the ballot. So to vote for the new guy, you have to vote for the gay child molester. Good luck.

So of course the Republicans have circled the wagons. Hastert (who looks like a big, fat child molester himself) has said that Foley’s actions were “vile” and that he “deceived” his colleagues. Sure. Like you didn’t know this guy was gay. I’m sure all of the gay Republicans are on file somewhere and their microchip sends a signal if they walk into one of several DC gay bars. This just reeks of a way to assure their voting base that they don’t put up with these faggoty-antics. But they do put up with these faggoty-antics, because in the real world there are gay people. To the people who vote for them however, they don’t exist, so people like Hastert have to make good so he can keep his job.

So this begs the question: Are the Republicans total and complete fucking hypocrites for allowing a gay person in their ranks when they’ve promised their base they will do everything in their power to snuff them out? Or are they being dishonest to the people who voted them in by letting gay Republicans go hog wild like Mario Cantone backstage at and especially oily performance of “Thunda From Down Unda?”

The Republican party did make a lot of promises regarding the gayer sex. They promised to ban gay marriage because, well, some 2,000 year old book may or may not have said anything about it. They subsequently won’t listen to anything regarding gay adoption because, well, there just aren’t any unwanted kids anymore. I proposed a compromise to Republicans a couple of years ago, but they didn’t bite. It went like this: I’ll let you ban abortions if you let gay couples adopt. That way all of these unwanted babies who will eventually turn into society’s problem will have a loving home to go to that will be tastefully decorated. I’m kidding really. I would never grant them that wish and I think most gay guys would be happy not to adopt if that was the alternative.

You can see the problem the right wing is faced with here. They made a lot of crazy promises about the gays, but it seems that their party is absolutely rife with them. You’d think they’d have a little more style but they don’t. I’m sure they tell their Republican Gays to “tone the gay down by 100% when you’re not trolling for teenage boy on the internet.” The president can’t understand it; why harass young boys when there are so many women to assault?

The Democrats are complete pud-pullers. You’ll never hear me argue that they are better than the fuckwad Republicans. But at least they pretend to like the gays and let them roam free through the halls in Washington. It’s ironic that the Dems are painted as allowing “deviant lifestyles” when really they just let their gay folk be themselves. It’s the Republicans who are fostering the “deviant lifestyles” because let’s face it, I don’t care who you are or what sexual orientation you happen to be, trolling for teenagers is just plain wrong.

There are countless people out there who will let you stick any number of things up whatever orifice you choose and they just happen to be adults. If you gotta go for the teenagers and the kids, you got a serious fucking problem; one of which may or may not be alcohol.

The Republicans sell you “anti-gay” but let gay guys do whatever they want to their interns. What else have they sold us they are not following through with? If you believe that “No Child Left Behind” means that Mark Foley is going to watch out for the kids, I’ve got some real estate in Fallujah I’d like to sell you.

JR

I don't want anything to do with bringing SEXYBACK

2006-09-27T15:44:00.000-06:00

Why in the world does anyone give two shits about Justin Timberlake? Have we as a nation forgotten that this is the same whiny asshole from N’Stync? Have we forgotten that this guy just flat out sucks? Well let me refresh your memory.

Justin Timberlake is the classic, “I’m a lame-ass but for some reason everyone has forgotten that bit of information” guy. He’s the dude who slipped in to the hot Hollywood party when he wasn’t invited to. He’s the guy who got free tickets to the football game on the 50, but doesn’t really like football. He’s the person, as hard working Americans, we are supposed to loathe. The only difference between him and Kevin Federline is that Timberlake actually gets up there and earns his money. But he earns it because dumb fucks all across this great country are throwing it at him.

I don’t listen to a lot of pop radio, but typically, if there’s a song that’s hot, you will hear it eventually. Those kinds of songs, even if they suck, will somehow make it to your earhole, even while you’re avoiding it like a Robin Williams movie.

I never heard any of the so-called “hits” off of Timberlake’s first solo album (solo from N’Stync remember) Justified. Not once did I even get one note of “Cry Me A River” or whatever clownish dance pop he cooked up with the help of very capable studio gurus. And what that says to me is that it wasn’t very good. Sure it might have sold a lot of records, but for the simple fact that I never heard a note makes me think it couldn’t have been as good as everyone said it was. And just so we’re clear, I’m stoked that I didn’t hear any of it. I’m as stoked as an anti-abortion activist, tightly binding his balls with an extension cord while watching violent porn. That stoked.

So I get back to the question at hand: why is Justin Timberlake not only popular, but relevant as well? For one, he’s white. And in this day and age of the hip hop star, record companies, media outlets and white people with money who are tired of the “thug” image, want a fresh faced white guy to succeed. Sure, Justin just rips off black music to achieve his aim, but he’s white nonetheless.

I’ll concede that he’s talented; he can sing and apparently he can dance up a storm, but he’s being propped up for the simple fact that people in the music business feel the need for a “great white hope,” which is a racist tag anyway.

All of the other white guys involved with popular music are not playing R+B based tunes. They are your Fall Out Boys and Panic at the Discos that, wholeheartedly suck, but won’t get near the kind of record sales that ol’ Justin will do. The aforementioned bands, spend way more on hair cuts and hair product than what it takes to make their actual music, so the profits are slim at best. Timberlake has curly hair so that could be how he’s managed to stay afloat in this mostly African-American pop music scene.

Timberdick bridges the gap between pop and R+B and he doesn’t look like he’ll steal your car while doing it. Parents eat this up and this directly affects how many more records he will sell.

If the music he makes didn’t fully suck dead hobo ass, I’d give him his due. But from what I’ve seen, if the music was any good, combined with how popular he appears to be, it would be playing out of every speaker for miles around. They would install speakers in every dead soldier’s coffin coming back from Iraq and blast his music because it’s just that damn good. But alas, I will probably never hear it. That in of itself is a good thing, but I can’t help but think the American public has, yet again, been duped into liking something that couldn’t stand up on its own without the aid of a good looking white kid who can dance well enough that you forget how shitty the music is.

I don’t know where SEXY went in the first place, but is JT really bringing SEXYBACK if no one actually hears it? I think Mr. Timberlake had better keep cashing every check thrown his way because it can’t go on like this forever. But then again, Guns N Roses has been promising Chinese Democracy since the late 70’s and no one has pulled the plug on that ridiculous freak show. Come to think of it, Axl Rose has those bad corn rows, so maybe there is a correlation to white guys with their shitty faux black guy hair and longevity in the music business. Something to ponder. Somewhere JC Chasez is quietly contemplating having a plastic surgeon make him look like Flavor Flav.

Here’s some actual good music I’ve been listening to:

Been listening to some pretty good tunes lately. But before I get to that I want to remind everyone that I usually get my stuff from the library these days, so calling the music “new” isn’t very accurate. I’m sure for some of you some of this is old news, so let’s just dispense with posts regarding how out of touch I am. I know how out of touch I am.

The first thing that blew my ass away is the Wolfmother album. Man that record rules. It’s like a 70’s rock masterpiece that could take a turn into the ridiculous ala the Darkness, but never does because the jams are just that sweet. I would imagine this would be the album Sabbath would make today if they were young and full of cocaine.

And while I’m in the metal mood, the new Slayer is also worth your time. Christ Illusion rejoins Slayer with its original drummer and the results are fantastic. I really enjoyed the last Slayer album, and this is about as good, but the drumming stands out immediately. I don’t know if it’s a more “organic” sound, but that mother fucker hits the skins like no other. On one track (Catatonic), it sounds like he’s forging a plus 5 Broad sword from a furnace in Mordor. There are a couple of misfires, but for the most part, Christ Illusion rips.

The DJ Spooky/Trojan Records collection is very good as well. It’s two discs of reggae, ska and such, selected by DJ Spooky and it’s a pretty good throughout. Most times, collections like this don’t do it for me because I might have a lot of the stuff on here, but a good portion of this was stuff I don’t own so it was nice to have it in one place.

And speaking of reggae, awhile back I got the Max Romeo: Open the Iron Gate 1973-1977 album which is just phenomenal. Romeo’s got a great voice and the reggae is simple and stoney. A couple of songs have “versions” tacked on to the ends of the regular track, which is cool. I played this thing to death a couple weeks ago.

One record I cannot understand why is so popular is the Gnarls Barkley bullshit the media beat us over the head with for the last couple of months. Oh it was popular in England, but that doesn’t mean shit. The British, although purveyors of very fine music, can also get behind a turd if someone told them it smelled good enough. They like some shit over there (just like us I guess) and Gnarls Barkley is some bona fide shit. I got this from the library, put it on my ipod and started to mow the lawn while listening to the first couple of tracks. I was bored silly by the first song so I fast forwarded to the big hit “Crazy.” Well call me crazy, but “Crazy” sucks. It’s kind of catchy but overall just a bland pop song that I can imagine might be alright if you’re hanging out by the pool, but did it really deserve the hype that it got? No. Once I got to the cover of the Violent Femmes song “Gone Daddy Gone,” I turned it off. Absolute crap….but that’s the English way!

Been listening to the latest Neil Young album, Living With War. I’m a pretty big Neil fan so I’m pretty open to everything he does. Living With War is pretty good even if you leave out the anti-war/Bush message that pervades it. But I’m really glad he made this record because no one else did. Some of the songs delve into the goofy because he’s trying to get a point across by mentioning certain things Bush has done. For instance, in “Let’s Impeach the President,” which is kind of a fall anthem for me, Neil starts talking about Bush cracking down on steroids, “after he sold his own baseball team.” As a lyric, it doesn’t really work, but as anti-Bush tidbit, it’s great. The album has an anti-war, anti-Bush bent throughout but it works well as a Neil Young album and it’s been playing in my head for the last couple of weeks.

That’s about it for now, feel free to let me know about any music you might think I’d like. No Sufjan Stevens please.

JR

Daniel Snyder: The Stink of Failure

2006-09-15T17:03:00.000-06:00

If you don’t know who Daniel Snyder is, good for you. He’s a repellant, rich asshole who owns the Washington Redskins. As if the name of the team wasn’t racist and divisive enough, Snyder makes them ten times worse simply by who he is.

Snyder is the fat rich kid who everyone used to tease; the geekiest of the geeks even got to make themselves feel better by tormenting this sad sack of shit. But he’s rich and it’s the only reason anyone takes him seriously. There was a fat rich kid who used to hang around the skate shop I worked at in high school. He was just a dorky kid who everyone hated but his family owned a restaurant and the prospect of free food always kept me from letting some of the kid his age from beating him senseless. This kid was annoying and a social retard and I’m sure he’s 10 times more wealthy than I am right now, making people’s lives hell just because he can.

Well, that fat bastard is all growed up now and his name is Daniel Snyder. I don’t know where Snyder made his money, but he’s got a shit load of it. He bought the Redskins in 1999 because you know, like a spoiled little asshole, he had to have a football team. I have to come clean and say I hate the Redskins. I think their name is ugly and racist, it’s an east coast team of which its fans are arrogant and delusional and if you believe ESPN, everyone loves them. Well, not me.

My hatred for the Redskins grew when Snyder took the team over. His bloated face and open wallet just screamed “I want to buy myself a Super Bowl!” But it never happened. Not yet anyway, and thank god. Snyder has thrown more money at this losing team and has gotten nothing in return but quick playoff exits and better yet, no playoffs at all. The best thing I can say about the team is that the Broncos have shipped their malcontents to them and have received quality players in return. If you had to play for that dick, wouldn’t you be happier somewhere else? Anyone who can make Broncos owner Pat Bowlen look like Andy Griffith has got to be a serious dickhead.

Snyder’s blank checks are now the notorious stuff of legends in the NFL. He’s spent more and got less than pretty much every team in the league. And that suits me fine.

Now, here’s why you may have heard of Daniel Snyder: he’s the guy who snapped up Tom Cruise’s contract once Paramount dumped him like Flavor Flav dumps fat chicks. Once Cruise became available, Snyder jumped at the chance to have him on his roster…not the Redskins roster…they don’t have room for a 5’6” ego maniac who can’t play football…that role is already being played by Snyder.

Cruise signed a two year development deal with Snyder’s brilliantly named “First and Goal” company that will provide financing for future Cruise films. Cruise’s films haven’t been taking it in like they used to and Paramount, faced with dwindling tickets sales and the high cost of paying Tom, decided to pull the plug. The fact that the actor went on a career killing publicity rampage last year probably factored in as well.

So in comes D Snyder (no, not DEE Snyder, but I wish!) to save the day. And just like his football team, he over pays for an underperforming superstar because, a) he can and b) he’s an utter douchebag who really doesn’t understand sports, movies and apparently business in general. Like I said before, I’m not sure how or where he made his money before becoming owner of the Redskins, but it’s a fucking miracle he actually did based on what he’s done over the last 7 years.

And that’s why Tom should be worried. If Daniel Snyder has come calling it means two things, 1) you will get paid like a motherfucker and 2) you can forget about winning anything ever again. In Tom Cruise’s world this isn’t a good thing because he already has tons of money, yet craves the critical acclaim that has eluded him thus far. Academy Award Tom? Not a chance with Dan Snyder propping you up.

His movies will continue to make less and less because the bloom is now off his Xenuian Rose. Partly because of his off screen antics, but mainly because people now see him as that pretty face who can’t really act but is thrust upon us in large, extravagant films that couldn’t be bad if they spent all this money right? Right.

He’s the rich man’s Ben Affleck and now the movie going public is sick of him. Enter stage left Dan Snyder to run up and hit him in the face with a fist full of cash hoping some of it will stick and not wash down the drain just like his Redskins payroll for nearly the last decade.

Cruise and his baby’s momma Kate Cruise (some of you may remember her as the actress Katie Holmes) made an appearance at the latest wonderful Redskins defeat in Washington last week. There was Cruise, his fake smile looking more and more painful as he forced his lips into that trademark phony grin. His career is now over. It’s official and you can smell it. The Stink of Dan Snyder, the Stink of Failure is now the one thing Cruise’s Scientology won’t be able to “clear” away.

JR

Karr Fraud

2006-08-28T15:27:00.000-06:00

Yep, you guys called it, John Karr is a fraud. He won't be charged with Jon Benet's murder because the DNA didn't support him being there.

That poses two questions: 1) who did kill this girl and 2) why in the holy fuck would anyone admit to this crime knowing full well it wasn't going to pan out?

What's wrong with this guy? Well, obviously a lot because he was obsessed with Jon Benet, but why admit to the crime? Did he think he'd get a guided tour of the house and get to masturbate onto her pageant clothes?

Patsy is dead, so he wouldn't get to meet her...I just don't see the motivation here.

Oh, and one more thing, who the fuck has to pay for flying this creep from Thailand to Colorado? Somebody did, and it's probably me. If I find an extra .25 on my Excel Energy Bill for "transporting John Karr" (who ate prawns and drank fine French wine on the way over), I'm going not kill somebody and admit it as well.
JR

I guess I owe Patsy Ramsey an apology…anyone know how I can get a hold of her?

2006-08-23T02:46:00.000-06:00

I was so sure those evil bastards the Ramsey’s had something to do with the death of their daughter Jon Benet. And I still do, but not like you think.

But with the recent admission by the fully fucking creepy dude with the skinny neck and big head that he killer her, we have to re-visit what we initially thought.

Nearly everyone here in Colorado figured the Ramsey’s had something to do with her death. The Ramsey’s were the O.J. Simpson of child murders and their attempt to find the “real killer” was met with disdain and disbelief. It was just too bizarre to be what was originally thought of as a straight forward kidnapping attempt. But that’s what it seems to be turning out to be as that fucking freak makes his way back to the states to face the music.

Most times when rich people get into a scrape, they get out of it due to their money and power. For some reason, the public didn’t like the Ramsey’s and no amount of cash was going to change that. Even with this guy claiming he killed Jon Benet “by accident,” I still hold the Ramsey’s partially responsible.

This poor little girl was dressed up like a fucking hooker. Seriously. What was she, six years old? That’s just obscene to dress a kid up like that. I don’t care who you are. The Ramsey’s are still a little to blame for this because they sexualized their child and put her out there, knowing full well the creeps and child molesters would be looking her way.

Ultimately this falls squarely on the shoulders of this scumbag who killed her. He’s the real bad guy here, but the parents should feel some heat too. And I guess they have.

I can’t imagine being accused of this. Having everyone drag your name through the mud, calling you all sorts of names and still when it’s all said and done, your kid’s still dead; it would just be too much to bear. I guess they suffered enough, but I still can’t shake the image of failed beauty queen Patsy Ramsey, dressing her child like a whore so she could live through her daughter’s success. Well, I guess she got the attention she wanted, just the wrong kind.

Pageant folk are sick fuckers. Almost (but not quite) as sick as the fucker who would obsess about a child like this. If this guy really did do this, he’s got a surprise waiting for him in jail. Well, maybe it’s not such a surprise. I’m sure he knows what happens to the likes of him in the joint. After someone kills him with a sharpened spoon, maybe he and Patsy can run the yearly pageant in Hell.

JR

Hummer Bummer

2006-08-19T13:06:00.000-06:00

The newest hummer ads are shocking to me. Shocking in that they’ve finally just said, “fuck it. We know people who buy these are assholes, so why not just come out and say it.”

The ads are blatant stabs at getting to the mindless consumer; one who is so consumed with keeping up with the Jones’, that he or she will do anything and buy anything to feel better about their lonely, pathetic lives.

The first one I saw featured a woman at the playground with her kid. Another kid cuts in front of her child and the mother timidly says, “but Jimmy was next..” To which the mother of the rude child says, “too bad, now we are.” Or something to that effect.

The offended mom gets frustrated, grabs her kid out of the playground and heads immediately to a Hummer dealership to get even. She buys a huge, gas guzzling Hummer and feels great about herself as she drives away. The tagline “Get Your Girl On” is seen as this weak, boring woman has just purchased away any feelings of inadequacy she might have had on the playground. I mean after all, it’s easier just to buy something that can help you threaten people behind two tons of steel than actually standing up for yourself right? Right.

The second ad shows a guy, possibly a vegetarian, in the check out line at the grocery store. He’s buying tofu and veggies but the guy behind him is buying what looks like the rack of ribs that knocked over Fred Flintstone’s car at the end of every episode of the Flintstones. The veggie guy is embarrassed and darts out of the store to the Hummer dealership. After buying, he gets in his shitty ride and with the tagline of “Restore the Balance,” he bites into a carrot. Why a vegetarian would suddenly be moved by a huge animal carcass to race out and start paying $60 to fill his tank, I’ll never know.

The commercials are pretty straightforward. A person is not happy with their life and how things are going in it, so they buy something they don’t need and all is better. If you get pushed around by people, don’t assert yourself, go buy an SUV and assert yourself anonymously inside your vehicle. There’s nothing braver than an asshole that imposes their will on other drivers just by the sheer volume of the truck they’re driving.

I think this is brilliant advertising because it flies in the face of what people typically think about SUV’s. Sure, tons of people still drive them, and I’m know deep down they love them, but in public, everyone silently or not-so-silently agrees they are monstrosities. In my world, to drive a Hummer means you suck. You’re a weak minded fool who needs this hunk of junk to feel better about yourself. You suck and the only way you can feel better about yourself is buying one. This is awful behavior and apparently Hummer agrees…merrily.

Hummer has said, “screw it” and is giving people what they want. Instead of making up reasons to justify why they bought the car, the ad has gone straight for the heart and has portrayed its costumers as they are. You and your hybrid loving friends aren’t going to buy one, so why waste money trying to convince you? This goes right to the people it needs to: spineless assholes. Are you a hopeless head case who will buy anything to justify your existence? Boy, do we have the car for you.

This commercial makes me angry because I know it works. The fact that it makes me angry is proof that it works. It works on zombie Americans who will buy the vehicle and it works on people like me that find this behavior outrageous and hazardous. There will more in this series, just you wait. And when they get the one on the air that shows someone buying a Hummer so they can road rage more effectively, I will bow down and give the respect these blood suckers are due. It’s brilliant and really fucking sad all at once.

JR

It's now complete

2006-08-08T14:15:00.000-06:00

Dennis Miller's inevitable move to becoming a complete and utter asshole has now been completed. Miller will join Fox News as a contributor on Fox News' "Hannity & Colmes in the fall.

There hasn't been such a descent into mediocrity and uncoolness this extreme since Aerosmith got off the drugs cha-cha.

Miller is one of the biggest assholes in modern pop culture. He's harmless, because he's such a joke, but still, I've had to continually watch his ugly face on TV for so long, I was beginning to wonder who could possibly be paying him.

Miller started out as the wise cracking hipster on SNL's weekend update. He was cool, sarcastic and had that sweet hockey hair that was so representative of the times. I liked Dennis Miller. But I was probably 13 at time. Chances are good that if you could go back and revisit everything you liked at 13, you'd not only do some major editing to you life, but you'd probably punch your 13 year old self in the face.

Then Miller faded a bit. And with his brand of comedy and smug face out of our hearts and minds, we realized, when he started to appear in bad phone commercials, that he really wasn't that funny to begin with. He tried his hand at talk shows, I think, and failed like a man who shouldn't have been there in the first place. His act was tired and it wasn't the 80's anymore. Kids and people saturated with cocaine (who would laugh at anything) had moved on from his bad, predictable shtick.

And then there was Monday Night Football. More often than not, MNF games are boring, one sided affairs that have more to do with the lame announcers than the actual game. And some fucking genius thought it would be great to get ol' Dennis in there to appeal to goateed, docker wearing douchebags who don't know funny from a Larry the Cable Guy skit where he beats an Indian to death because he thinks he's one of "them A-Rabs."

Miller was a full force disaster as a MNF announcer. He spent more time trying to show everyone how smart he was by using big words to describe junior high educated players than he did actually talking about the game. It just didn't work. And not just because Miller was dull and aloof, his 80's wit hung in the air like a John Madden fart. Al Michaels spent the better part of the broadcast trying to smooth over Miller's flatulent bon mots like your Aunt putting a good spin on grandpa’s racist outbursts at Thanksgiving. The aforementioned "dockers wearing douchebag" couldn't understand why Miller was being let go after only one season.

Then Miller re-invented himself as a conservative ass-kicker with a funny bone. He jumped on the liberal bashing bandwagon so late, he practically snapped Anne Coulter in half when he landed on her. I mean, is there a more repellent person than the "I'm going to sock it to the liberals - because it's now safe" guy? I don't think so. Rush Limbaugh is one thing, but a past his prime comedian who, upon further review, wasn't very funny to begin with, starts throwing out the "L" word (liberal not lesbian)like they're beers at a bbq, I have to call bullshit.

At least Limbaugh was the first person to take his ridiculous rantings to the pop culture level and create a whole new kind of media. He made it fashionable to bash liberals and did it with, depending on who you talk to, a little style. Miller is just aping that; tapping into an already clueless and seemingly elderly demographic who watch Fox News AND still thinks he's funny.

And that's why Fox News is simultaneously displaying that it is both savvy and completely out of touch by hiring Miller full time. Most people will see this as a hilariously funny (in a sad way) stretch to keep their network relevant. It's needed because each day, Fox News gets exposed for exactly what it is: a Bush administration media arm that wouldn't tell you if bombs were about to fall on your house if that fat fuck Karl Rove didn't approve it first.

I see this move as not only being a pathetic stab at credibility (from a failed comedian no less!) but an absolute bewildering personnel move. Do these fools know that everyone hates Dennis Miller? Politics or not, he just sucks, and no amount of making fun of Howard Dean can ever erase that.

But even with saying that, I do know there are many, many people out there who have their taste (and their political beliefs) so far up their asses that they think Dennis Miller is as funny Dave Chapelle. Hiring Miller is in this sense brilliant because they are speaking directly to their mindless, obedient, and apparently humorless viewers by sticking Dennis Miller on there full time. If you give some thought to the Fox News demographic, it now comes off as possibly brilliant.

But while the rest of us will laugh and furrow our brows at the thought that someone is still hiring Dennis Miller, someone, a lonely, bitter, sad someone is quietly pumping his fist because he knows he can more of that sweet, smug, bearded face on the network more famous for its lying than its actual reporting.

I salute you Dennis Miller. Not because you are a complete jerkoff who couldn't extend his bland comedy career by another few years so you had to join the nazi party to peddle your wares. No. I salute you because you are what America is all about: a completely talent less asshole who keeps getting paid for being nothing more than fucking creep who will adopt any ideology, no matter how heinous, just to keep your ugly face on TV.

If the Child Molesters of America (CMoA) called Dennis, would you answer? If there was a paycheck and some screen time, I believe you would. Burn in hell you unfunny twat.

JR

Denver Post Music Showcase

2006-07-26T16:36:00.000-06:00

It’s really too bad that “Things To Do in Denver When You’re Dead” was such a terrible movie. It’s forever linked with the city and not only makes Denver seem boring and unimaginative (like the film), it’s robbed us of a simple way of telling you what’s going on.

If you want to show just how out of touch and lame you are, title a column, “Things To Do in Denver...” Instead of being informative and hip you’ll have people running from your piece like it was homeless man, covered in shit, who just stumbled into the line at Burger King. No one wants that and no one wants your “Thing To Do in Denver” awkwardness.

If the movie had been better would it be ok to use the line? I don’t know maybe. It surely would have helped it, but I think some cocksucker from 5280 Magazine would have beaten it into the ground by now for sure.

So if you’re looking for something to do in Denver this weekend and you don’t want a clichéd tagline from a crappy movie no one saw, except for people in Denver hoping to see their house, check out the Denver Post’s Underground Music Showcase.

The showcase takes place down on South Broadway at five different venues including the Three Kings Tavern, the Hi-Dive, Irish Rover and the Skylark. I think tickets are like $10 and there are some all ages shows earlier in the day. More info here: denverpost.com/music and denverpostbloghouse.com/underground

I was sent a ballot and was actually a judge for this year’s festivities. I declined to do it last year because I have become so out of touch with local music that I probably would just be voting for the few bands I knew and that wouldn’t be fair to some of the bands that actually deserve it. It’s pretty cool because 10 years ago, there would be no way to fill up the ballot with good bands, let alone vote for 20 of them.

But I voted. Partly because I wanted to get out on the town and see some of these bands and partly because I have actually been keeping up with local music….a little bit. I did do a homer vote by selecting the incredible Black Lamb with my first vote. I knew they probably wouldn’t win, but I still think they are one of the best bands in Denver and dammit I was going to vote for them because I could.

I voted for Hot IQ’s second and they actually came in second so hey, I’m not that out of touch. Munly won the whole thing and I had him down a few notches at number 6. Not bad for somebody who hasn’t seen a local band play in many, many years. I was pretty close with most of the other top 10 as well. I won’t tell you who else I voted for because I don’t want to get anyone excited and/or pissed off. I will tell you that near the end I was running out of bands to vote for so I started to select them solely based on how cool their name was. Nightshark and Electric Side Dish got votes based on these criteria. I hope they’re good…their names are glorious.

I think what Rick Baca and crew over at the Post are doing is great for Denver. They’ve moved the big papers into the 21st century through their excellent music coverage. Back in the day (by which I mean 10 years ago), the music coverage of the big papers was just a fucking joke but now it’s credible, respectable and if you can throw a party like this (for the sixth year), they got my vote…..hopefully they don’t read this and realize how utterly oblivious I am to local music. But hey, I may not go to the shows, but I’m always listening.

JR

The Fat Guy Effect

2006-07-19T16:52:00.000-06:00

I was thinking about fat guys the other day and what their role is in society. Fat guys are great. They’re either the jolly counterpart to a howling good time or the rotund whipping boy that gets dumped on like a county fair port-a-potty.

The fat guy in movies and TV has those two roles to fill and if he deviates from that, it causes problems. It’s like if a gay guy isn’t portrayed as a mincing fag on the various Bravo shows, you get confused.

When a fat guy is of the good natured sort, someone you want with you on a wild adventure, he’s more of the frat boy kind. The John Belushi character from Animal House comes to mind. You don’t fuck with this guy because he’s inherently tough and is his own man to the point that his size alone is intimidating.

Then there’s the whipping boy. This kind of fat guy is born to be abused. You blame him for your defeats and give him no credit for your victories. He gets whomped on the head a lot, ala Gilligan, and typically is found in crucial moments feeding his fat face when he’s supposed to be doing something important. Dipping back into Animal House, Flounder is the perfect example. If you’ve never seen Animal House, you’re either 13- years old or a complete douche bag. Don’t tell me which one.

Here’s how the Fat Guy Effect operates in movies and TV when race is involved: fat, white guys are not usually paired up with black people. I don’t know why this is, but I can’t really think of an example where this is the case. I think when you get the outgoing and aggressive fat guy (Belushi) he doesn’t pair up well with a black guy in a movie. The whipping boy style fat guy can, but it’s rare. A recent example would be the Will Smith movie Hitch where Big Willie slaps around the horribly shitty Kevin James. James is one of the worst fat guy’s in the business. He’s always eating in everything he’s in and you can literally see his dignity disappear with every bite he takes.

If a skinny white guy is in a movie with a tough, lean black guy watch out; he’ll get whomped on the head just like the incompetent fat guy no matter his race. Anytime the dreadful Steve Zahn appears in a movie with black people he gets abused like the charity candy box in an office break room. It doesn’t matter if it’s a man or a sassy black woman (probably played by a man), the white man is getting slapped up like an inflatable clown.

But it gets tricky with the fat black guy. He falls into the same mode as any fat guy with there being an incompetent version that gets blamed for everything and one who is cool and nobody is going to tell him what he can or can’t do. That stays the same. The only difference between the fat black guy and the fat white guy is the fat black guy seems to be eating more during the course of the film. Where it gets weird, and this could be the opposite of the Steve Zahn Effect, is where there is a fat black guy starring with a lean, tough white guy. 100% of the time, the black guy is going to get abused. A recent film that comes to mind is the Cedric the Entertainer / Tommy Lee Jones opus, Man of the House.

I didn’t see this piece of poop but I can tell you that Ced gets slapped around by Tommy Lee so much it’s embarrassing. I like Ced; I think he’s funny and talented so it’s just cringe inducing to watch him humiliate himself like this. He falls into the category of the cool fat guy but by signing on with a dominating actor like Tommy Lee Jones, he should have known what he was in for. This has set his career back to its very beginning I’m pretty sure.

And then there’s Mike Golic and the whole reason I wrote this ridiculousness in the first place. Mike Golic is an ex-football player, ESPN analyst and radio host. He is a classic example of the shitty fat guy who has somehow found himself in the role of the cool fat guy. I don’t know how it happened because he even looks a bit like Flounder from Animal House.

Golic is a doughy faced pussy whose opinions carry no weight because we all know he’s the inept lard ass who would take a major beating from even the lowliest Hollywood leading man.

Golic must have a good agent because he’s been cast as the ex-football tough guy even though no one knows what team he played for. Tony Siragusa is a fat, loud jerk who used to play for the Baltimore Ravens. That guy is who they’ve cast Golic to be like but he’ll never achieve that status. Siragusa is a fat slob who fills the role of the obnoxious fat guy to a T. He wouldn’t be caught dead getting grief from anyone, let alone a skinny white who weighs 100 pounds less than he does.

Co-hosting his radio show is ESPN’s Mike Greenberg who is the “geeky” counterpart to Golic’s fat, tough guy. Greenberg is likeable and knowledgeable sports guy but has to play the weak dork to this poor man’s Siragusa. Greenberg has to lob softballs to Golic who will then hit them out of the yard by pointing out how uncool he is by showcasing the difference between the two. It’s strange to see (they put the radio show on TV…TV On The Radio?) the two interact because at any moment you expect Golic to look up from eating a pie and have Greenberg hit him over the head with his head. It never happens and I think someone should be fired over it.

I’m not sure why I hate Mike Golic show much but I always have. I’m all for people transcending their stereotypes but when someone is such an ill fit for their faux persona, I want to scream, “get back to eating out of that bucket of KFC and looking up surprised with a greasy face you corpulent bastard!”

My theory is that Mike Golic and Bon Jovi secretly employ Karl Rove to fool everyone into believing they are something they are not: Golic, a tough guy fatty and Bon Jovi a band that never sucked and is still making good music. Only the genius spin doctor Karl Rove could achieve two such incredible feats. Considering what he’s done for Bush, I have to point to him for the Jesus caliber miracles that have been performed for Golic’s broadcasting career and Bon Jovi’s inexplicable longevity. Bon Jovi sucks so bad they deserve their own post. But again, I digress.

If you’re a fat guy (white or black), there’s work for you. It all depends on how you’re perceived by the public. Are you the sassy fat guy or are you the punching bag? If you’re fat and you want to get into movies or TV I would first suggest hiring Mike Golic’s agent (Karl Rove) and of course bring your own bucket of fried chicken to the audition.

JR

Bushit

2006-07-17T13:40:00.000-06:00

Everyone is up in arms about Bush saying "shit" to Tony Blair. Well, if you're upset by that, then you are a douchebag.

First of all, if you think the president is going to be doing clean comedy like Sinbad, you got another thing fucking coming. He, like all the others before him are as foul mouthed as the people you sit on the couch smoking bongs and playing video games with. The only difference is there is a camera on the prez most of the time and he has to clean up his act.

If you put a camera on me for most of the day and then "mistakenly" got me when I didn't know I was being recorded, the nation (most of all my mother) would be shocked and dismayed at the foul language spraying from my word hole. And that goes for the rest of you too. Everyone has a foul mouth and if you were recorded, it would take you back a few steps.

So Bush saying "shit" isn't anything to get riled up about. By all accounts, Bush is supposed to be a potty mouth, but it's important that his hypocritical religious base doesn't hear that side. He could have said worse.

If you haven't heard it, Bush says something about the Israel/Hezbollah conflict going on right now to Tony Blair. He says, "...then they can end this shit." To me that sounds like a conversation going on right now around the water coolers, the barstools and the raquetball courts. Surprisingly enough, it sounds like what an average American would say. Only, he's not supposed to be an average American.

If you're shocked by this, you suck. Go build a time machine and go live in the 50's where nothing bad ever happened, races were equal, sexual harrassment didn't exist, and most of all, no one said bad words.

What this really reveals about Bush is just how fake he sounds. If you listen to the conversation, he talks to Blair with all the conviction of a man talking to some jerk he just met at a BBQ he never wanted to go to. For two people who have backed eachother up on a lot of bullshit in the last six years, they don't sound very chummy. And it's not like it's a cold conversation. Like the kind you'd have with a guy who you knew banged your high school girl friend back in the day. No, it seems friendly, but the conversation just has a ring of fakeness to it. Like the kind you'd have with a neighbor you never go to know so well.

I don't care that Bush said this. Unfortunately it will make him look cool in the eyes of all the dullards who stil think he's a good man and doing the right things. They'll laud this as a John Wayne kind of attitude and tell "liberals" they should act more like this. Anything to distract you from the real issues I guess. Anne Coulter's going to run with this, proclaiming "liberals" worship the devil because they don't wan the president saying "shit." Meanwhile, someone is shocked to find out that Anne Coulter is still alive.

I just wish that it had gone down this way: "Damn Tony! Who'd thought me blowing up them twin towers and blaming it on them A-rabs woulda caused all this here mess!"

Well, he is being recorded every day, so there's always tomorrow.

JR

"That's NOT What I'm Talking About"

2006-07-13T15:48:00.000-06:00

There are at least three, maybe four movies out right now that have the phrase "that's what I'm talking about" in the trailer.

The phrase, which is pretty much the present day equivalent to someone exclaiming "You Go Girl!" or and old lady saying "fo-shizzle" right before she starts rapping. It's lame and incredibly played out.

Adam Sandler's latest pooper "Click" has him saying the phrase, the new animated movie "Monster House" has a cop saying it and the wonderous new film "Little Man" has one of the Wayans brothers crapping it out.

A lot of times, "that's what I'm talking about" is relagated to only black people saying it (the aformentioned "Little Man" and the clip for "Monster House" featured black guys saying it). Chris Rock has said it in like 20 movies so far. So I'm wondering if a black guy gets his script with "that's what I'm talking about" staring at him, is he like "shit, not again." I know actors are paid to say the lines written for them, but there has to be moment of embarrassment when they see this line in the script. The fact that it is so many movies right now should be a big red flag that it may have reached a point of no return.

It's just one of those dumb lines that took on a life of its own and now it's in tons of movies, TV and pop culture shlock. Every dork with a goatee and beer gut says it when his team scores a touchdown and stiff white dudes in suits say it to eachother when they close the big Johnson account...high fiving eachother at Shenanigans.

Somebody cool must have said it a long time ago and now it's just a stupid catch phrase uttered instead of doing the Macauly Culkin "YES/fist pump." But it's far lamer than that. Have you ever heard someone say it in real life? It's awkward and uncomfortable like someone you don't know very well telling you about the abortions they've had.

But thankfully all signs point to the phrase being on its way out. Just like when someone you know singehandedly sent "fo-shizzle" packing, "that's what I'm talking about" is now officially on its way out the door.

I did want to touch on the movie "Little Man" quickly before I sign off. It looks like they stuck a Wayans brother's head onto a dwarf's body to further the story line that he's a criminal hiding out pretending to be a baby...let the anal thermometer jokes and big dicks on a baby one liners begin!

Isn't this like employing a hispanic to play an Italian or a Chinese person to portray a Japanese geisha? Wasn't there plenty of black dwarfs available for this role? I know the one dude from Bad Santa was probably looking for work (shit, it may be his body they used) and what about the Geto Boys Bushwich Bill? I sure as hell would love to see him in a movie.

I know they have to feature a Wayans brother to sell the movie but jeez, cut the dwarfs some slack; they need to eat too. Bushwick Bill only has one eye for fuck's sake, you know he needs the cash.

JR

Cheetara!

2006-07-12T08:15:00.000-06:00

Well, if you watched VH1's World Series of Pop Culture, you would have seen my cousing singlehandedly carry her team, Cheetara, through to the second round.

She did really well and I sympathize with her team mates who ended up getting some hard assed questions.

I don't think I could be on a show like that because I'm just not fast enough with the answers. My forte, as you may well know, is sitting back and thinking up witty responses and typing them out, not spitting them like an up and coming white rapper looking for credibility in the hardscrabble streets of East Denver.

I look forward to more Cheetara, and I'll let you know when she's on again.

JR

World Series of Pop Culture

2006-07-10T08:45:00.000-06:00

I consider myself a master of useless pop culture knowledge, but I don't have shit on my cousin Erin.

Erin is competing on VH1's World Series of Pop Culture and the episode she's on will air this tuesday (7/11). Not sure what time it's on in your neck of the woods, but if you don't catch it then, I'm pretty sure VH1 will re-run it until the end of time.

I had to make sure my Tivo is set NOT to record every goddamn episode of Flavor of Love considering they re-ran it around the clock a few months back. So I'm thinking the WSOPC will be on a few times.

But if you do watch, cheer on my cousin and her team "Cheetara" as they take on some bonifide trivia geeks for a prize of $250,000. I don't know how she did, she couldn't tell us. But she was wearing a solid gold crown that said "Queen of Trivia" when I saw her last....who knows.

Shit. And I thought winning a $50 bar tab when I go out and do trivia was pretty sweet. Oh well, maybe I'll just stick to free hot wings and Budweiser, that might be more of my speed.

JR

Baffling Smoke Signals

2006-07-06T11:04:00.000-06:00

I’m so not one to endorse the erosion of personal liberties. I’m the first one to let loose a wail of displeasure when some jerk off is trying to kill my personal freedom buzz. But when Denver enacted its smoking ban earlier this month, I bent over and said, “take my freedom please.”

I am not a smoker. Sure, I smoked in high school but buying cigarettes seemed ridiculous when my money was needed for beer, weed and new skate decks. What I got out of smoking was paltry compared to the other things I needed to spend money on. And besides, there was that one time I drank a bunch of wine coolers, smoked five cigarettes and got woefully sick in the deep, shadowy recesses of “Norman’s.” (if you were a teen in the mid/late 80’s in Denver, you know what I’m talking about)

So, smoking stinks. I fucking hate it. I hate going out and having to take a damn shower before I go to bed. I don’t know how I did it for so long. I was a bar fly in the utmost and I would crash out every night reeking of smoke. As I got older the smell was too much and I’d have to wash it all off before I hit the sheets. I don’t even want to think about what it was doing to my lungs.

Denver pushed through a smoking ban and everybody flipped out. There was an article in the local paper about the people who run ‘Billy’s Inn’ way up in Northwest Denver. They were upset because they feared business would drop off due to the ban. The jury’s still out on that one. My gut feeling is if people want to drink, they will drink. The fact that they have to get up and go outside to smoke really doesn’t have any bearing on whether some drunk bastard will choose not to come in to your bar. The story on ‘Billy’s Inn’ was hilarious though because that bar is one of the smokiest, grossest, cloud-of-death bars in the city. You literally walk in to a cloud of smoke when you enter that den of smolder. It’s so nasty, it has to be a health hazard, yet the people who run the place don’t care or don’t notice anymore.

And that my friend is the main issue with the smoking ban; cigarette smoke is a health hazard. I’m terrified I will end up with lung cancer simply for the fact that I sat my ass in countless bars over the years, killing my liver while killing my lungs with other people’s smoke. Yes, I could have stayed at home. Yes, it was my choice to be there. Save those comments for someone who gives a shit. But this is a situation where if the bar isn’t going to do something about it, the city government (unfortunately) has to.

Asbestos is not good for you. They packed it in everywhere at some point in our glorious country’s history. It stopped fires so it was good right? No, it wasn’t good. It causes cancer and it was eventually removed from wherever the jammed it in. Asbestos is a health hazard and it took a government mandate to get it out of the buildings and out of people’s lives. I think smoking is the same as asbestos; if someone doesn’t step up and do something about it, it will just keep killing people….sorry, it will just kill me. I don’t really give a shit about the clown sitting in a bar smoking himself to death, let’s be honest here. I don’t want myself, or people I like, to die because the like to sit and have a drink. Fuck the loser who chooses to smoke; he can do that all he wants. I just don’t want to go down with him.

I believe people should be allowed to smoke. I don’t give a shit if they want to do that to themselves. Every tax paying adult should be allowed to fuck themselves up in any way they can imagine. Shove big, spiky dildos up your ass, put nails in your balls or whatever the fuck you’re into….just don’t let it affect the person sitting next to you. I am 100% for the legalization of ALL drugs. Rock it out man. Do your worst, just don’t let what you’re doing bum out your neighbors and the public at large. If you got ‘em, smoke ‘em, just do it outside. If you’ve been to a bar that doesn’t allow smoking, it’s an amazing feeling to come home not smelling like ass and ashtray.

Extreme anti-smokers are lame. They are self righteous and act like someone let off a mustard gas canister when someone lights up. Fuck those people. This ban is not for them because they would never be caught in a bar in the first place. This is for people like me who enjoy the sometimes friendly confines of a bar and don’t want to breathe in someone else’s death.

So in this particular case, I’m thrilled that personal liberties are being taken away. Why? Because it makes it fair. I can now go out to a bar and not have some dickhead who’s smoking one cig after another, dictating my declining health. I’m doing that just fine on my own.

JR

American Hipsters: Your Taste is in Your Ass...Your Ass is in Your Taste

2006-06-21T11:11:00.000-06:00

Savvy reader Delroy sent this link to some reviews that I just had to share. It pretty much sums up how I feel about it but as any good scavenger writer will do, I’m going to add my .02 cents.

Here’s the link: http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=3888 thanks Delroy.

I have to agree with the Radiohead comments. I loved Kid A, but they totally lost me with Amnesiac. Amnesiac sounded like out takes for Kid A and that just doesn’t fly when you’re supposed to be these alt-rock geniuses right? Kid A has all those “clicks and moans” the above review talks about but it was fresh and new then; a pretty wild departure from the brilliant OK Computer. And that’s what you want. You want your musicians to try new things and hopefully succeed. And they did with Kid A. But when Amnesiac rolled around, it sounded like more of the same. But they got a pass because they’re Radiohead.

So when Hail to the Thief came out, it sounded just slightly different than Amnesiac. Only the real diehard Radiohead fans (I know one who traveled to Spain to see them live) were getting behind it. I just found it to be confusing and boring.

So it’s pretty sad that Thom Yorke’s “solo” album is more of that same shit. I’m all for artistic expression, but when he’s just doing the same “beep, boop, click” shit, I just have to hang my head in shame. Does it mean that he’s so out of ideas that he just makes the same album over and over again? Unfortunately what’s going to happen is they’ll put out a full-on guitar album and every ass licking critic will say it’s a “return to form” or some other bullshit they read in a press kit.

Now Sonic Youth is another story. I don’t know what’s worse: the people who keep buying this crap, or the record companies who keep paying them to put it out. Let’s be honest here: Sonic Youth was never really that good. Sure they were pioneers and all that shit, but when it comes down to it, they kind of suck. They had a couple of good songs here and there, but can you honestly sit through and entire Sonic Youth album? I can’t.

Music sites like Pitchfork bend over for every Sonic Youth release and I can’t understand it. It’s kind of like the old high school quarterback from the small town who can do no wrong even though he’s fat, bald and hasn’t done shit since the state tournament in 1988. He never gets criticized just like Sonic Youth. And even though Sonic Youth isn’t raping women and getting away with it, they are raping your wallet if you keep buying their albums.

Keane? Well, they’re harmless right? Their music doesn’t make me want to kill, but it doesn’t move me in a positive way either. I think it’s pointless to waste words on them because by the time their third album rolls around, they will be a complete non-issue. I wish I could say the same for some of the others on this list.

Muse? I am at a loss. I seriously have never heard of this band and from what I read, I don’t want to know anything about them. I like to think I’m a little “up” on what music is out and about these days, but I am drawing a complete blank with Muse. I’m guessing though, and I could be wrong, that they don’t suck as bad as the next entry.

Suckjan Stevens. If you’ve read anything on here in the past couple of months, you’d know that I absolutely can’t stand Suckjan Stevens. The most overrated, over-hyped piece of stinky, hair infused dog turd that has ever graced the airwaves. And now he’s released out takes of his lame ass music. That’s like the director’s cut of Jersey Girl (a far worse Affleck film than Gigli); pointless and unbearable. Why do I need alternate versions of shit I already can’t stand? Ok sure, it’s not meant for me, but who in their right mind buys this? The writer makes the point that you don’t need this much out take offal even if you are a fan so who does this appeal to? I’ll tell you who. Weak hipsters, so desperate for cred, who will buy anything that makes them more appealing to other jerk offs who already bought into this like a Fox News zombie eating up false information like it was cum in the ass of an “All Anal All The Time” whore (just a (butt) plug for my favorite All Anal website).

Well, I’m relieved to know that somebody shares my same hefty hatred for some of the music that most (i.e. the dense record buying public) deem worthy and reputable. I guess if we all agreed it wouldn’t make for amusing commentary, so keep loving that shit America! I’ll be here waiting.

JR

Phil Mickelson and Adolph Hitler were out golfing one day...

2006-06-19T14:40:00.000-06:00

I’m pretty sure most of you either don’t care or don’t know who Phil Mickelson is. Don’t know because he’s a golfer. Don’t care because he’s the epitome of the evil white man.

Golf sucks. Not the game itself, just the people who do it. Golf is a very hard, technically demanding sport that can be fun. I’ve golfed before and while it usually involved getting really high and giggling in the golf cart, it’s a fairly fun way to spend a couple of hours out doors.

But golf culture sucks. It’s all lame white guys with visible sticks up their asses, and lame black guys who act like lame white guys just because Tiger Woods, by sheer force of his talent, forced whitey to accept him. I’m not a Tiger Woods fan, but I love the fact that he crashed the party. But Tiger is just one of them. He’s an uptight white guy with brown skin. A total fucking pussy who swings a metal club and people get on their knees to blow him wherever he goes.

If Dennis Rodman was as good a golfer as he was a rebounder, the white golfer wouldn’t have accepted him like they do Tiger Woods. Tiger was one of them from an early age and that made it easy for whitey to accept him. The fact that he’s one of the greatest golfers in the world didn’t hurt either. Dennis Rodman would have beat up somebody in the gallery and pissed in the 7th hole by now.

Golf culture sucks because it’s one of those things that tons of people do because they have to. It’s good for business, it’s what you do when you live in the suburbs, and it’s what you do if you want to belong. It’s very rigid and if you’re not doing something right, some asshole will be on you telling you what you’re doing wrong. One time we got yelled at for going to slow. We had just gotten done smoking a big doobie and I thought we were busted. But the only heinous act we had committed was moving too slow (because we sucked, not because we were stoned….or did we suck because we were stoned?) and this jerk let us have it. Golf is like the last bastion of the ol’ boy network. Maybe they can’t be outwardly racist (Tiger wouldn’t say anything regardless because an endorsement might be at stake), but they sure can make you play by their rules. And that’s cool, I just won’t participate anymore. Keep your expensive sport and keep your shitty clothes. Keep your inane small talk and shove your cheap sense of superiority back in your ball bag. I’m not playing anymore.

But what I have been playing for the last couple of years is miniature golf. Here you have all the fun and technical challenges of golf, but in a much cheaper, less hostile environment. Sure you can’t smoke dope and drink beer on the course, but you sure can in the car before hand. Miniature golf just plain fucking rules.

And despite the great courses most mini golf places offer, when you’re done, you can go drive some laps in a go cart. Can’t say the same for the Mr. Stick-in-the-ass golf course can you? Mini golf is where it’s at. All the competition, twice the attitude and none of the lame clothing and evil white guys…well, I’ve been called an evil white guy after I’ve laid a whuppin’ on some ass in mini golf but that’s for another time.

Which brings me to my original point: Phil Mickelson. Mickelson just blew some huge golfing tournament and he’s all over the sports news for choking yet again. Yeah, I don’t care either, but I do, from time to time, have to be subjected to Mickelson’s face on my TV and/or sports related website, so I felt I needed to say something about him. If you’ve never seen him, go and look at him after you’re done reading this. He’s the epitome of the evil white guy. Look up “evil white guy” in the dictionary and you’ll find Mickelson alongside Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and Adolph Hitler. The smugness of his face and the dead, reptilian gaze of his eyes are the stuff of nightmares for people of color all over the world. I shudder when I see him and I’m a big time honky!

I’m sure there are people in various ethnic groups who see one of their own and get bummed out because of how that person represents them as a people. Phil Mickelson is that person for me. I’m sure he was a slave owner in a past life and only puts up with Tiger Woods because Tiger routinely kicks the crap out of him.

Enough golf. Jesus how could I even write that much about it? Eww. I feel kind of dirty. I can only imagine how you feel. I’m going to try and write about the World Cup because it’s great…you might even say “I’m World Cup Crazy.” I’m not one of those American douche bags that will pump up soccer just to make the fat, lazy American sports fan mad, but I do believe the World Cup is a pretty awesome spectacle. More on that later.

JR

Chappelle, I miss you

2006-06-13T23:49:00.000-06:00

Just a note on some funny shit.

I caught an old Chappelle's Show last night. Old because there aren't any new ones being made.

There are a lot of funny moments from Dave's show but the one that was on last night made me laugh out loud. Now, I've seen this one probably five times, and yet I busted up.

The Negrodamus skit where the black Nostrodamus gives a studio audience his predictions was on and it contains two outstanding jokes. The first one, asked by an audience member goes, "Negrodamus, why is George Bush so sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?" Negrodamus calmly looks at the camera and says, "because he has the reciept." It's the perfect joke.

The second follows right after it. Another audience member asks Negrodamus, "what will happen to Star Jones on the view?"

Negrodamus, with the delivery of an assassin says, "Star Jones will still host the view. Then she will take her wig off and do the weather."

Like I said, I've seen it at least five times and I still burst out laughing. if ypu like Chappelle, you've probably laughed too. It's brilliant comedy writing and I hope Dave gets back to it somehow, some way.

In the meantime, I'm going to rent Dave's Block Party and wait for the comeback. It sure does feel good to laugh. Thanks Dave.

JR

Anne Coulter: Conservative Seductress or Shrieking Ugly Skank?

2006-06-08T09:10:00.000-06:00

I guess if I have nothing to write about, I don’t force it. Sure, I could write several pages on how much I hate Katie Couric, but it’s kind of pushing it don’t you think? Don’t misunderstand me here, I DO hate Katie Couric. Her muppet-like face with skin stretched too tight over her skull turns my stomach every time I see her. She’s the epitome of smug whiteness and I was compelled recently to write about her because she was on the TV so damn much.

But that was relevant a couple weeks ago, and in true fashion, if I don’t jump on it right away, writing about it ends up having the allure of putting one of my balls in a shop vice. I just don’t “go there” “girlfriend.” (As a straight man you have to put “girlfriend” in quotes, otherwise you’re broadcasting to the world your gayness. I’ve broadcasted my “anus” many times to the world, but I digress.)

If it doesn’t actually move me to write about it, it’s just not worth it. And while my hatred for Katie Couric’s lame smugness does get me riled up, it didn’t get me to the computer. Anne Coulter did however, and I’m sure she likes it that way.

Let me preface this all by saying that I know she’s just a whore for attention. The only reason she said what she said about the 9/11 Widows is to promote her new book. I know how it goes; I’ve employed this tactic many times myself. Radio people do it too. They throw out a ridiculous statement and the calls come flooding in. It’s smart if you’re dumb enough to buy into it. See how that works?

Anne Coulter, aside from being incredibly ugly, is so starved for attention and so willing to do anything to promote herself, will take even the most ridiculous of stances to squeeze every last dime and every last ounce of attention she can get thrown her way. Yeah, sure, it’s the American way, but it doesn’t make it any less obnoxious.

She’s ugly as a rubber Halloween mask left over in a bargain bin but it’s really her tone and demeanor that make her as offensive as she is. There’s nothing worse than a man or woman who are so upset about their own opinion, that their faces become twisted, horrid masks as they speak. Coulter is exactly like that. Her eyes bulge from their deep sockets and the veins stand out in her neck. You should be this passionate about something important like anal bleaching; Coulter gets this way over “liberals” acting like the wankers they are. Why is this surprising and upsetting?

The “liberal” tag is soooo 2004. When I hear someone railing against “liberals” it’s like I’m hearing a dumb catchphrase from the 90’s. Have you ever heard Carson Daly say something like “Krunk?” Yeah, it’s painful. You feel sorry for him and you’re pissed off because you know how passé and awkward it all is. That’s how I feel when someone like Anne Coulter says the word “liberal.” It’s so paranoid sounding when she says it, you could put “communist” in there and you’d have time traveled back to the future like Calvin Klein….I mean Marty McFly. Back to the Future was on cable recently and I watched it like three times.

Liberals are lame. I’ll agree with that even though I’ve voted for the democratic candidate ever since I could vote. They suck. They are spineless and can’t get anything done because they haven’t adopted the hard line, ‘with us or against us’ attitude the folks across the aisle have. They are seen as weak because, well, they kind of are, and the only thing people respect is cramming your own beliefs down other people’s throats.

With that said, the “conservatives” (doesn’t quite have the bad connotation that liberal does huh?) are worse. They are stuck in their ways, psychotic war mongers who respect money and power above anything else. All the while pretending they are righteous and believe in this magical entity that will take them all up to heaven any day now. They are intrinsically racist in their policies and do everything in their power to make the rich richer and make the poor keep buying a bunch of shit they don’t need. I can respect someone standing up for what they believe and not wavering, but when you’re a hypocritical asshole, it kind of loses its romantic appeal.

So how you can attack one of them and not the other is beyond me. I’m sure at a basic level, Coulter may have a point or two about “liberals.” It’s easy though. So why won’t she take it to the other guy? You know they fuck up just as worse and have caused way more damage then their wimpy counterparts. It’s because Coulter has a fan base of stupid, scared, misinformed, closet racists who would open their legs to their cousin before they’d open their minds to an alternate belief system.

Coulter is the political equivalent to a hip hop feud. It’s ridiculous, pointless and only designed to sell more product. Someone will get hurt (hopefully Coulter) and most rational people look at it and can’t believe how stupid it is. If more people would realize that this is a white people version of Tupac and Biggie, no one would take this horrible human seriously.

Which brings me to what Coulter said about the 9/11 Widows. Because of their political affiliation, Coulter ragged on these women for milking their stardom. She said that we shouldn’t take what happened to them as an excuse for their “liberalism” or some shit like that. Ok sure. I’m never one to let a tragedy excuse someone’s behavior. Being from Colorado, we saw a lot of “milking it” because of the Columbine massacre and I was front and center giving it to the people who were the biggest offenders. But if someone is being an asshole, let them know they’re being an asshole, don’t bring political affiliation into it. Who cares? If a 9/11 Widow is critical of Bush, (they probably has a point considering how Bush either caused or let 9/11 happen) debate her on the issues (ha) do you really need to bring liberalism into it? Coulter speaks out of both sides of her mouth. One side she says they’re wrong for using their tragedy to push a liberal agenda. From the other side, the…uh…good side?…she pushes her conservative agenda by hyping this up way more than anyone cares.

Did you even know anything about this until she opened her trap? I didn’t. It’s like she sat around and thought, “hmmm, what group can I attack that will cause the most controversy, but I can back up by saying ‘liberal’ a whole lot? Those 9/11 Bitches all voted for Kerry, I think I’ll fuck with them!”

And that’s what it comes down to. A lot of people will be pissed off that she attacked the 9/11 Widows and Coulter will claim they’re fair game when they start to voice their opinion in the political area. I would actually agree with her on that. But this retard is just promoting a book and she got all the attention she wanted from this statement. I feel cheap and used for even talking about this…kind of like I got drunk at a party and Coulter felt me up in the bathroom…..ewww.

I think this will (hopefully) backfire on this troll for the simple fact that everyone still holds 9/11 as sacred. This will only confuse the conservative fan base because most of these people will bend over backwards and lick their own ass to put a bumper sticker proclaiming “Never Forget 9/11!” on their SUV. If they get behind Coulter on this, then I’ll know the End Times are coming.

If you open your mouth be prepared to have someone’s foot shoved in it no matter who you are or what you’ve gone through. What Coulter can’t get through her obviously Skeletor-like thick skull is that conservatives should be judged by the same rules. My foot is ready Anne, open wide you shrieking ugly skank.

JR

Past Dalliances with the Doritos Bag

2006-05-02T23:49:00.000-06:00

I’ve been catching Honey We’re Killing the Kids lately and it’s disturbing. The show takes an out of control family of fat asses and shows them what their kids will look like at 40, if they continue on the path they’re on.

Now, these are your average American, dumpy knob heads who pump their kids full of crap to shut them up, eat all the same shit themselves and haven’t touched each others genitals together in a long, long time. And not like they would want to anyway. Most of these people are so fat and unattractive, they make smashing your cock with a meat tenderizer seem deliciously erotic. They are boring and dumb. Just like all the stupid fucking assholes who paid money to see Robin Williams’ RV this past weekend.

So they evaluate the family and give them the rundown on what they’re doing wrong. No, dummy, you shouldn’t let your kids eat cookies all night and then let them pound soda like Tara Reid just heard someone say "open bar." And yes, your huge, fat son shouldn’t be allowed to play video games all day, stuffing his face with hot pockets when he could be playing outside…you know, simple stuff.

Reality hits when the parents are shown, through the wonders of morphing technology, just what the kids will look like at 40. Now, I’m not talking about a kid morphing into a fat adult. No. It’s more like an overweight kid morphing into a homeless serial killer with a penchant for cheeseburgers, fucking corpses and bad flavored vodka.

I mean, I know and you know that these kids won’t be pretty if they continue to eat junk, drink soda, and sit on their asses, but man, they look fucking scary when the morphing happens. Their skin is ruddy and their hair is thin and greasy like the dude on the corner talking to himself while wearing a nasty pair of stained pants. And I’m talking stained in the ass because he’s been shitting himself kind of nasty.

This is what the expert on the show wants the parents to think their poor child will look like if they continue to raise their kid like one of Paris Hilton’s pets. It may be a bit much but it gets a point across: the majority of Americans are living a very unhealthy lifestyle and they don’t even know it. And, by raising their kids this way, they are creating a generation of monsters that you only see out of the corner of your eye while making your way through the grimy, creepy city.

But now instead of the stinky ass nut case loitering near a liquor store on Colfax, these people will be loitering near the Chili’s out by your Mom’s house.

It’s not a bad show, because I always like anything that teaches a dumb, fat American family a lesson they should already know. But that’s not what why I found it disturbing.

Why I found Honey We’re Killing the Kids disturbing is because I thought about myself…imagine that. I thought, “if they took a picture of me at 10 years old and morphed me according to the criteria they have set up on the show, would I be staring at an exact replica of what I look like right now?”

I shuddered when I thought about it. I ate nothing but shit growing up. I drank tons of soda, ate Doritos and all sorts of bad crap. I stopped eating McDonalds around 24 or 25 years old but I ate plenty of other rancid fast food since. I did start eating healthy around that same time, but counteracted it with so much booze, acid, mushrooms and weed that I could have sent three people to rehab with my farts.

Would I look like my horrible morph had this technology been in play when I was a kid?

Thankfully, I’m still pretty good looking (ha). My hair ain’t coming back, but my skin doesn’t look like a guy’s who just slept in an alley of piss off of Larimer (the gross part of Larimer, not the nice, happy white people part) and I could still probably pass for someone who has a job, a roof over his head and eats a salad a couple times a week, and not the guy who ran up to me the other day and screamed, “Hey! You on the cocaine train!” And then wandered off talking to himself and smacking his own chest with his fist. Or the guy we found passed out with his pants down and a big dried turd hanging out of his ass. The kids on Honey We’re Killing the Kids looked like them. Turds and all.

Check back in a few years, I may finally achieve that level of homeless chic with hard work and past dalliances with the Doritos bag alone.

JR

Proving the Point: if one person writes it, they all write it

2006-04-26T10:13:00.000-06:00

Here is a review of Built To Spill's You In Reverse that came out this past weekend in the Denver Post:

Link (third one down)

Seems eerily familiar to what I mentioned earlier about EVERYONE writing the SAME FUCKING REVIEW. Has this guy ever heard this band before? This isn't so much about BTS as it is any band that gets swept up in the hype and writers NOT DOING THEIR GODAMNED JOBS. It's like he literally read all the other reviews, didn't know what to say and re-wrote what he read. Pathetic.

Good thing I'm here to tell the 10 people that read this what's going on.

In other news, the Stellastarr*/Editors show was good. Stellastarr* ripped it up. They were the highlight of the show because Editors pretty much played it straight off the album. I love their album, but like I've said before, why did I want to pay $20 to hear them do it note for note?

Stellastarr* was worth the money and I would pay to see them again.

On a side note, saw a kid I've known for a long time at the show. He asked me if I was going down to Lipgloss (popular, long running DJ night in Denver). I said "probably not" because I had a long day coming up. He said, "Editors are doing a set down there." I responded, "and acoustic set?" (this was before they played and hearing acoustic versions of their songs intrigued me) "No, they're DJing," he said.

Shit. No thanks. Nothing worse than having to sit through some musicians "DJ-ing". I still guest DJ from time to time (I used to DJ before literally everyone was a DJ, so it's fun to do once in awhile) but I can't imagine how boring and inconsequential it must be for people who have come down to hear me DJ.

If I wanted to be bored, I'd just stay and listen to Editors play their album note for note. Which I did.

JR

Editors/Stellastarr* Friday Nite!

2006-04-20T14:12:00.000-06:00

Speaking of music, I’m going to see the Editors/Stellastarr* show at the Bluebird this Friday. I love shows at the Bluebird because it means I get to go drink at the PS Lounge. Many a bottle was drunk at that place before shows at the Bluebird and this will be no different. I haven’t been to a show there in a long time. And if there’s a bunch of people standing around the bar talking (as usual), I’m going to be pissed.

But again, speaking of the music, I like Stellastarr* a lot; the band’s first album is fantastic. The newest one is all right. It has a few good songs and it grew on me, but it still didn’t grab me like their debut did. They didn’t utilize the female band member’s voice like they did on the first one (please see Billy Corgan Rule #37: Let female in band sing a song. When everyone likes it, don’t let her do it again because it interferes with your stature as head honcho while solidifying reputation as big dildo).

The Editors on the other hand did grow on me, but not after an almost miraculous chain of events. Typically if I listen to an album and it doesn’t do anything for me, I won’t listen to it again. That was the case with the Editors album, The Back Room. I found it to be entirely unremarkable when I heard it the first time, but for some reason I kept listening to it (that’s the miraculous event…that I actually kept listening to it). And during the third listen, I was hooked.

I mentioned in an earlier post how bad the last Strokes album was, and yes, it is bad. I gave that one listen and the songs were so terrible, I just kept skipping ahead to the next one hoping for something better. Nothing in that record gave me a hint that I should take a closer listen. The Editors album hinted at something, and I guess that’s why I kept listening.

Really, the Editors (or just Editors) sound a lot like Interpol. A LOT like Interpol. So I figure that’s why it turns most people off due to its derivative nature. But really, doesn’t Interpol sound a lot like Joy Division? I think Editors are actually English so maybe they have a bit more right to the sound. I’m not here to nitpick who sounds like who, Editors are pretty damn good and I’m trying to convince you too.

If something can seem so unremarkable the first time around and end up being played non-stop in my car, I feel it deserves a mention. I was already going to the show before I even heard the band, so bonus for me!

Friday night, Bluebird Theater. I’ll be the one with the warm glow of the PS Lounge surrounding him and the not so faint smell of Budweiser on his breath.

JR

If a Press Release Told You to Jump Off a Bridge: Built to Spill and other fallacies

2006-04-19T14:33:00.000-06:00

It’s amazing how shit takes on a life of its own. And I do mean shit.

Music critics are some of the biggest jackoffs in the history of the printed word. They’ll believe anything and write it down too. Most won’t take the time to actually listen to the music, but read a press release, get a feeling of how everyone else thinks, and then squat over a piece of paper and let it fly.

But you may be saying to yourself: “John, shining light in a dark, dark world, you too have reviewed many albums. Aren’t you a music critic as well enlightened one?”

Thanks for the kind words, but no. It is true that I have reviewed records. But I am not a “critic.” I am “critical” and that’s a big difference. To be considered a music critic you have to be paid to review music, and I’m looking at my wallet and it’s looking like usual: empty as a theater showing Phat Girlz.

So with that said, music critics suck cock. Except for the incredible Jason Heller who hates/loves more music than I ever will. He knows what he’s talking about. The rest can go fuck themselves because their ineptitude has finally been exposed.

I am a big Built To Spill fan so naturally I was excited that a new album was coming out. As the reviews started coming in, I noticed something very alarming that solidified my belief that 90% of these music nazi dorks are so completely clueless that Paris Hilton seems thoughtful and articulate in comparison.

All of the reviews started out like this, “Built To Spill is back with their first album in five years since the disappointing Ancient Melodies of the Future.”

Right there, a red flag popped out of Katie Couric’s ass to let me know that something was wrong. Ancient Melodies of the Future is not a bad album. It’s actually pretty good, but it came along after a long string of records and I think BTS’s singer Doug Martsch was a little burned out. It’s not radically different from the one before it, but like I said, it’s a great album. I’m listening to it now as I type this, and I stand by that claim.

The problem comes in because Martsch himself has gone on record to say that he didn’t like the album. Fair enough, but this is what the media dicks have seized upon. Once one person wrote that it was a disappointment (based on what the songwriter said) then everybody proclaimed it a disappointment. No research required.

If we discounted every album, movie or any creative endeavor that the artist later claimed to not like, our top 20 lists would look more like a top 7 list. I can remember Dave Chappelle has said he thinks his film Half Baked is bad and he wasn’t happy with it. Well, that’s good for him, but Half Baked is a modern comedy classic with or without Chapelle’s blessing. If you were involved with Half Baked and didn’t want to be associated with a goofy pot movie, you’d say the same thing. It still doesn’t take away from the fact that Half Baked is one of the funniest movies to come out in 15 years.

When the artist backtracks on one of his or her creations, it’s a slap in the face to the people who bought into it. I can’t stand when people say things like “what was I thinking?” or “sorry about that” in relation to something you went out and spent $15 bucks on. It cheapens what it means to the fan and unless it is a universally excepted misfire (like that last Strokes album…oh my god it sucked), I feel these musicians, directors, actors need to stand by their product.

So Doug Martsch didn’t like Ancient Melodies huh? Well tough shit. I did, and even after he stated that, it didn’t change my mind. But he influenced a lot of people with that statement who made it seem like BTS shit out a flop of enormous magnitude that just couldn’t compete with the band’s already incredible catalog. It happens.

Regardless, everyone wrote that in their review, making it seem like they were amateurs who dropped the ball only to get back in everyone’s good graces with this new album. Which brings me to my next point.

All the reviews of Built To Spill’s new album, You In Reverse, have been overwhelmingly positive. How can this be? Can this record really be that good? Well, this is where we have a problem.

You In Reverse is ok. I know, I know, it’s incredibly hard to write that line. I have been a serious diehard fan of this band for a long time. I’ve seen them probably five or six times and I was at the show where they recorded some of the LIVE album. Yeah, you were probably too, but I had to state my cred for the sake of the story.

To be fair, I’ve listened to You In Reverse twice through, going on a third. Some albums take a little longer to grow on me, but I’ve never had to listen to a BTS album more than this for its qualities to affect me. Two times through and I have to say I am completely and totally under whelmed.

The songs are definitely different sounding but kind of boring. The guitar playing is a tad cliché and the production sucks. Martsch’s trademark voice is completely washed out of the mix and the only thing that sounds different is the bass is turned up. I found myself drifting away will listening to it and not because it was magical, but because it was boring me silly. Long time producer Phil Ek was not involved this time and the band produced it themselves….typically not a good idea.

I will listen to it more because I do believe I will find some redeeming qualities in it. But the point of this post is to point out the absurdity of the “critics” who have fallen all over themselves to get on the bandwagon when the wheels came off a while ago. This album is no worse and definitely no better than Ancient Melodies of the Future.

I don’t know if it’s a form of mass hysteria, but I believe the critics all get the same press release and I’m sure it stated something similar to what they puked up in their reviews. Hey, if Martsch wanted people to believe that crap, he did a good job, but he seriously sold himself and his band short.

Just like that Sleater Kinney album that came out awhile back, the hype has not matched up to the product and it basically comes down to an insult to the band: they are being praised for their worst work because they’re like the office worker who’s been there for 40 years and never got employee of the month.

Well, here’s your reward, a great review from a bunch of jerks for a mediocre record; it’s the indie rock equivalent to the Lifetime Achievement Award and it’s written on toilet paper.

JR

Passion of the Christ for the Kids

2006-04-18T10:46:00.000-06:00

I just watched the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe the other night. It was Easter so what better TV watching then a kiddie version of Christ’s crucifixion?

Yeah, everybody knows about the obvious parallel between Aslan and Jesus. Even as a kid I figured that out when I read the books for the first time. And they definitely play it in this movie. Not surprising considering a Christian zealot (and Denver billionaire) by the name of Phillip Anschutz was behind the production of the film.

But I must digress for a moment. I liked the movie. And when I heard it was coming out, I started re-reading my copies of the Chronicles of Narnia as a refresher. The books aren’t great. C S Lewis was a poor man’s Tolkien. Lewis is Skeet Ulrich to Tolkien’s Johnny Depp. You get the picture. Lewis’ books were made for kids and I understand that. Re-reading them it’s obvious. But the film translated well and they did a good job of moving the story along….except for the fact that they left in the part about Santa Claus showing up. My god, is that not the worst turd in the punchbowl plot stopper? I mean fucking Santa Claus shows up in Narnia! I always felt that was just utterly stupid in the book and to use it in the movie was laughable. I mean, you can’t really put the Christ back in Christmas when you’ve got Santa hanging around right? Geez.

Tilda Swinton as the white witch seemed to be one of the weaker parts. She’s a fine actress and looked great as the witch, but her role was reduced to one liners and making faces for the camera. But she got what was coming to her in the end from a vengeful god. Just what the slack jawed, Christian movie going public wants to see. The other part that bothered me was Mr. Tumnus the fawn. Tumnus befriends Lucy and helps her escape. Their relationship is touching but the whole time I kept thinking, “I don’t think it’s appropriate to have this guy’s nipples showing when he’s talking to this little girl.” Well, as long as Jesus is involved, the dummies watching it probably don’t mind a little man nip…but I did.

But do you think these dullards would have really understood this symbolism had it not been hammered into their heads? I remember when the film came out and there were big rallies for it at churches across the country. I was watching CNN and it showed a youth minister talking to a group of young kids, Hitler Youth style:

He was yelling, “AND WHO IS THE LION SUPPOSED TO BE???”

And the kids all screamed in unison, “JESUS!!!!”

I mean you can’t get force fed any more directly than that. It’s literally punched right down their throats.

For myself, I like it when something unfolds in front of me. I can remember realizing the parallel to Jesus and really thinking that was cool. I figured it out for myself and it made it all the more mysterious and sweet. I mean, it was the first time I actually gave the idea of Jesus any consideration because it was hidden (not very well) in a story about a magic lion. Don’t you think the kids who were being led by the hand to understand that Aslan is Jesus would like the same thing?

Naw, because if you didn’t explain it to them, they would never get it, just like they don’t really understand what the fuck they’re doing sitting listening to this guy in the first place.

Christ is a symbolic device used in tons of fiction. This one just happens to be a kid’s story and a pretty cool one. Anschutz and his cronies wanted to make sure no one missed this point in the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe so they hammered it home even before the movie was out. That’s cool, it’s their dime. I don’t think it affected the movie adversely but that guy’s nipples sure did.

JR

Pitchfork gets forked over…and takes it with a smile

2006-04-10T08:49:00.000-06:00

It’s one thing to get duped into printing a false news story, it’s another thing when that fake news story involves shit-stained, lame ass college rocker, Sufjan Stevens.

Pitchfork reported last week that Sufjan Stevens was having a baby with Rosie Thomas, some chick he was collaborating with. I don’t know anything about her and I don’t care enough to go back and check (kind of like Pitchfork) but I can imagine if she’s aligned herself with the likes of Suckjan, then she’s gotta be just as shitty.

So the story was about their collaboration on some album that college-rocking wusses will eat the ass out of, AND that Thomas and Sufjan were going to have a baby. I read the story, for some reason, and since I don’t care about this kind of news item, I took it for what it was. I wouldn’t know anything about these people; if they reproduced asexually like amoeba or if they stick in like the rest of us. So I just figured it was true.

Now, the funny part (and not “ha ha” funny like Pitchfork tried to spin it) is that Thomas was bullshitting the popular music website. There was no baby, they weren’t an item and Sufjan has no genitals that we are aware of. They actually ran the story and it was nowhere even close to being true. As I mentioned before, Pitchfork tried to play it off as “oh you kids!” and “how clever! They sure pulled one over on us,” but really all this did was make them look even more like douchebags. To be fair, Stevens himself apparently wasn’t involved in the hoax, but that would just make me even more pissed that some no-name pud, leeching off the fame of Suckjan would have played me like this.

"I kid around so often, I forgot that some one might take me seriously," Thomas was quoted as saying.

Oh yeah, you forgot? Well maybe we’ll forget to review whatever crappy album you put out next? That’s what I would have said to her. I know Pitchfork is just a website, but it’s a website that a lot of people read. Fucking around like this really demeans everyone working on it. I can sit here all day and make fun of them because what you’re reading is a website based on criticism. But if I were in the music making business, I would want Pitchfork to review my music. And if I fucked with them like this, I would fully expect them to banish me forever. That’s just the way it goes.

I’m sure this happens all the time: some flighty musician or artist rattles off some bullshit and it gets printed. I mean, who’s going to verify some small detail like whether this person really ate Mexican food that day? But when this does happen and it turns out to be false, most people who printed the lie are pissed. But Pitchfork wasn’t pissed. They took it in the ass because Sufjan Stevens was involved. Hell, if I was Sufjan, I would have pissed that this dummy used my name and jeopardized my relationship with the music site; considering how much press he gets from them, fucking with Pitchfork could ruin his career!

If Beck blatantly lied to Rolling Stone about something along these lines and they printed it, RS would blow a fucking gasket. And unless Beck (or someone of equal stature) made nice with them, the fallout would huge. I would wager his albums wouldn’t get reviewed and interviews would certainly not appear anymore. But this doesn’t happen to Rolling Stone or Spin etc. because most people looking for publicity know this is essentially career suicide. Not to mention the heaps of trouble that would follow because of it.

That one guy who lied to Oprah will never be taken seriously again. If you did something that basically made the most powerful woman in the world have to apologize and look like a fool, you’re done. Fuck with Oprah and you not only get the horns, but you might have someone come and break your kneecaps as well.

Now, Pitchfork isn’t Oprah. In the power rankings of journalistic media, I’m sure they’re waaaaay down there. Somewhere below The Smoking Gun and somewhere above the guy counting down until the actress who plays Hermione Granger is 18….oh, and good ol’ War Time Smile. But since Pitchfork is a music news site, shouldn’t the people they are reporting on take it seriously? Musicians who send press releases to the Fork and hope for interviews to promote their ear diarrhea should respect them enough to tell the truth. Paul McCartney doesn’t have to respond to a request for a Pitchfork interview. The lame woman who claimed to be having Sufjan Steven’s baby should be showing up at the office for a round of blowjobs just to get the press.

Even if you were the smallest publication, web or otherwise, you couldn’t take this with a smile. You would have to make someone pay for this. I don’t give a shit that Pitchfork dedicates half of its daily news section to the musings of Suckjan Stevens; in my world of small time media (and I do mean SMAAAAALLLLL) someone would have to answer for this. If a local band played me like this, even one that had some clout, they wouldn’t get one more letter printed from me. No matter what you gain from the journalist/musician relationship, if you’re on you’re knees all the time, and they’re making a joke out of you, it’s not worth it.

As I’ve said countless times, I read Pitchfork on a daily basis. At one point I really thought it was the cream of the crop for music journalism (on the web and in print). But now it’s apparent that they’re really just a bunch of half-asses journalism students who can write, but are too blinded by shitty indie rock musicians to simultaneously pull the dick out of their ass and mouth. It’s obvious that they don’t want to overreact because their beloved Sufjan Stevens is involved in this hoax. After all, if they cut him out of their site, there’d be nothing to report on.

I can’t help but think the editor over at Pitchfork isn’t hopping mad about this. I’m hoping (and not just because I hate Sufjan Steven’s crappy music) that there will be a reprisal. If not, it just further cements my belief that Pitchfork is like the creative geek in high school: independent and rebellious…until the head cheerleader looks his way and in classic “Can’t Buy Me Love” fahion, he abandons all he was for a shot at just being near her.

The hilarious thing is while Suckjan might be the head cheerleader of indie rock, his collaborator Rosie Thomas is more like the fat, smelly chick from biology class. And Pitchfork just fingered the fat, smelly chick from biology class to keep their seat next to the cheerleader. Way to go dumbasses, way to go.

JR

Grinder: Looking for Meat!

2006-04-03T12:29:00.000-06:00

I guess writing a piece about someone else’s blog is kind of strange. Isn’t that what the comment section is for? Well, when the sanctity of TV is called into question, I feel a strong need to dedicate valuable resources to defending its honor.

Television is like America: Evil and corrupt. Sneaky and foul. Always trying to get into your mind and sell you some crap. Just the very reason why our society seems to be falling apart on a daily basis. TV is one of the main roots of our societal problems and a direct cause of our apathy as lazy-assed American consumers.

With that said, TV is also a glowing comfort. It’s a savior from our daily mental woes. A way to drift off for a few hours at a time, gently rocking us into a state of calm and whimsy. You can be entertained, informed, enraged or just plain zombified by what’s offered on the boobus toobus. In short, TV FUCKING RULES.

If you don’t know TV is simultaneously evil and wonderful, you are the sheep that TV leads to the slaughter. You are the person who is being bombarded with ads and don’t know it. You are the person who a TV executive would describe as a “wet dream.”

Chances are, if you’re reading this, you don’t fall into this category. You’re probably a lot like me: grew up watching a lot of TV, yet fully understand how full of shit it really is.

I read this post about canceling cable from this snooty, up their own ass, anti-TV person.

http://www.columbia.edu/~ip71/w116/2006/03/why-you-too-should-cancel-
cable.html

In it, this person talks about how bad TV is and questions whether they should be paying for cable. They cancel cable and instantly lose weight…..Lose weight? How fat were you that you lost weight just by not watching TV? The First rule of TV watching should be: If you’re a big fat ass, you need to exercise before you sit down to watch TV. Makes sense to me.

This person went on to say that they couldn’t justify spending $50 a month on cable when all they watched was The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. Hold the motherfucking phone! Did you just read that? The Daily Show and The Colbert Report is the ONLY thing they watch on cable. I just about shit when I read this. If, among the many things to watch on cable television, you’re only watching Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, you are fucking douchebag.

I like both of those guys (Colbert’s turn as Mr. Noblet in Stranger With Candy is his crowning achievement) but as I’ve said before, if you’re one of those people who is so pretentious that you “only get your news” from Jon Stewart, you suck the warts off a dick.

Sure, cable news (or regular news) is just bullshit these days, but the people who proclaim superiority because they gobble up a comedian’s take on current events like it was, well man-seed, deserve to be called out as the pompous fucks they are.

If you don’t know TV is a mind numbing exercise in trying to get you to buy something because you’re supposed to be incomplete without said product, you deserve what’s coming to you. People who don’t watch TV will tell you all about it…because they have nothing else to talk about. For someone who’s supposed to be so smart and worldly from not watching TV, they sure as fuck are boring.

On the other end, if someone is shocked and dismayed that you don’t watch the usual CBS crapfest, then you probably don’t want to associate with them in the first place. TV watching comes down to one simple thing: are you in on the joke or not? If you are, then enjoy the high points (Flavor of Love) while condemning the low points (Flavor of Love). If you’re in on the joke, take it for what it is: at times tedious entertainment that everyone needs once in awhile. I mean, it’s better than smoking meth right? Right.

A friend of mine referred me to the post that I have been commenting on. He is an ex-TV junkie who hasn’t had cable for a long time. He’s not self-righteous about it because I’m sure if he had some free time and some bad cable to watch, he’d be there. When we were discussing the content of the post, he said it was disturbing to drive around at night and see how many people are glued to the TV. But this is what people do. After a hard day’s work, don’t you sometimes want to shut down and have some assholes on TV entertain you? I sure do. But again, I came back to the point that if you don’t understand how TV is evil, then you deserve its bad influence. Those types of people, the ones who suck TV up like pigs in a trough, are essential to America.

“Besides,” I told my friend, “we need those people to fight our wars for us.”

“We need more meat for the grinder,” he responded.

If Jon Stewart needed you for the war effort, would you answer the call?

JR

The Perry Bible Fellowship

2006-03-23T12:36:00.000-07:00

great stuff:

http://cheston.com/pbf/archive.html

Waiting

2006-03-21T08:06:00.000-07:00

Just finished watching the comedic romp Waiting... starring Ryan Reynolds and Ana Faris. The commercials for this movie didn't do it any justice. I figured it was going to be all right, but I assumed it was another movie about a topic that the screenwriter couldn't get his/her hands totally around.

But Waiting... works well as a restaurant movie because I have to take the leap and assume that writer/director Rob McKittrick has worked in this environment. From the post shift parties to the shit bag people you have to serve, I think he nailed it.

There is some ridiculousness to the movie that I'm sure had to be added to make it more interesting; because if you've worked in a restaurant you would know it can be very boring. The way the cooks handled the food and the "revenge" they get on pissy patrons is too over the top. I'm sure that shit happens, but the restaurant wouldn't be open long if it happened as much as it does in Waiting. Still, I wish all the jerk offs who gave me grief in my restaurant career could see this movie, just to scare them into being a bit nicer.

Luis Guzman is just probably the ugliest man alive but he makes the person loveable scumbag that works in the kitchens of your favorite restaurant. Reynolds is pretty much the same character he always plays: smart ass, wise cracking and trolling for teenage pussy. Ana Faris (absolutely love her) does her standard great job. Faris is seriously turning into a brilliant comic actress. She’s not going to win an academy award (who cares right?) but she’s been in some pretty fucking funny movies. Here she plays the hot, kind of slutty waitress, that we’ve all come to love working in America’s food emporiums.

The best character though had to be Naomi played by Alanna Ubach. Every restaurant has one of these: constantly pissed off, screaming and yelling and bitching at everyone. Once she hits the floor, she’s all smiles, sugar and spice. If every office has someone who’s way too nice for comfort, every restaurant has someone like this. And she probably had the funniest scene where she flashes her hairy beaver (which had tons of lint in it) and was thrusting it toward everyone yelling, “POW! POW!” Just hilarious.

If you’ve done time in restaurants like I have, this is a must watch. Even if you’ve only been on the customer, you’ll like this if you dig raunchy comedy.

Watch all the way through the credits because Andy Milonakis (playing a convincing gangsta busboy) has somewhat of a rap video at the end that aint’ too shabby.

JR

American Hardcore

2006-03-16T15:24:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading Stephen Blush’s book American Hardcore: A Tribal History, a frank and uncut look at the very important American hardcore scene of the early 80’s. The book is a collection of interviews and the author’s own recollections of the various scenes from around the country that have heavily influenced most of what we call “punk,” “alternative” and “indie” today.

The book is a great document of what went on and even if you know a little bit about some of the bands, it’s a must for anyone who likes to read about music or needs a confirmation that the hardcore scene has been the single most important music movement to come along in the last 25 years. The book is rough; there are plenty of spelling errors and the narrative gets a little wonky. It’s surprising because Blush is an editor at Paper Magazine, but hey, it’s pretty punk not to spell check.

I got into hardcore in probably the last throes of the movement. It’s funny but Blush refers to hardcore’s death in 1986, just when I was reaching my punk apex. I think I heard Black Flag (a large amount of the book is deservedly dedicated to them) for the first time in ’84, but I didn’t fully go hardcore until late ’85. Really the Black Flag’s and Minor Threat’s of the world were no more by then, but the spirit lived on.

Reading the book and the descriptions of the shows brought back a lot of memories for me. If you were punk in Denver, there were many epic shows. The book only gives Denver a paragraph and probably rightfully so. There weren’t really any truly great hardcore bands that came out of Denver (none that could compare with the likes of Minor Threat et al) but the kids were into it. One of the mentions that Denver does get refers to a Nig Heist show that Barry Fey shut down yelling “you will never see this kind of shit on my stage ever again!” Hilarious because Fey is such a vile and terrible person himself, that he didn’t want something as horrific as Nig Heist on his stage is just incredibly ironic.

The other part talks about some of Denver’s bands (Happy World, Bum Kon) and how unmemorable they were (author’s opinion, not mine) and the most famous single to come out of Colorado, the Frantix “My Dad’s A Fucking Alcoholic.” He also goes on to mention a memorable Dead Kennedy’s show that was raided by the police and another violent show in a “terrible Mexican hood” that I took to mean a show at the Azatlan. But it could have been anywhere; I just happened to see a lot of very violent shows at the Azatlan.

And that’s one of the points American Hardcore makes: music is safe now. Punk today is just weak compared to this amazing and often times, out of control underground scene that was. Today you have Good Charlotte playing arena cock rock and New Found Glory sells t shirts for $30 a piece. They’ve reaped all of the benefits of being punk without taking one single boot to the side of the head. The crazy shit that went down in the 80’s would never happen today in the sanitized version of punk that gets played on the ol’ Mtv. Stage diving today is expected. I literally got thrown out on my ass from a show at the Rainbow Music Hall (now a Walgreen’s) for stage diving. Now I think you get a free button for every five successful dives.

And that’s cool, not everybody can be in on something from back in the day. I got in on the second wave of hardcore, and while not quite as important (and definitely more metal) it was still wild. I see teenage kids now into punk and I don’t think it’s stupid; they’re just kids who have gravitated to punk like I did. But what I saw and what they see now is completely different. They will never know terror like going to a show where the security is run by the hated Denver Skins. Just walking into the show was like walking into the lion’s den (lions den…not the Lions Lair….that’s another story entirely).

At a C.O.C. show at the Azatlan, the skinheads fought everybody and it was ugly. Waves of fistfights broke out across the crowd. It was amazing. Then somebody broke out the mace and people scattered. Sucker punches were thrown and it seemed like everybody in the whole place was fighting. Me and my friends were right by the stage and we climbed up onto the cabinets to get away from the violence. I was a skinny kid and wanted no part of getting my ass beat, so I desperately tried to get away from the onslaught. As we climbed out of the mess, there was so much fighting going on, I expected to be pulled off the stage and get clocked at any moment. It died down once the skinheads were driven out, presumably by whoever started macing people. The cops showed up and surprisingly didn’t clear the place out, but when California band BL’AST! played, the cops made everybody sit down. That didn’t last long when the singer told everyone to get up. Everyone rushed to the front and it was on again. The funny thing was, once the skinheads were gone, everybody had a great time. There was a pit but it was one of the best ones I had ever seen. No one was being a dick and everyone helped each other out. The cops of course didn’t see it that way and the show was shut down shortly after. C.O.C. never played.

Another show where the skinheads made things miserable for people at the Azatlan was when Youth of Today came to town and recent Denver emigrants, Agression headlined. Agression was and old school southern California punk band that moved out to Denver in the mid 80’s. They were all right, I had one of their records, but the band’s close association with those asshole Nazis made everyone stay away. So, Youth of Today (a fairly well known, east coast band) plays and everyone starts to leave. Agression had been around for awhile and the novelty had worn off. As we leave, the skinheads are all over everybody. “Why you leaving?” “Agression hasn’t played yet,” and generally in everyone’s faces about it. It just sucked. Here we are, skinny 17 year olds having to get through these scary, violent, psychopaths…who were running the show. Now tell me this would happen at a Good Charlotte show?

The interesting thing is years later we became friends with Agression’s lead singer Mark Hickey. Hickey used to hang out at the Lions Lair and we played pinball with him. He was a good guy and I think he just got wrapped up in all the skinhead bullshit back then. He formed a blues band (Hickey Bluez) and he used to take out his pierced dick and wack it on the pinball table for good luck. He unfortunately died a few years back, but after getting to know him I forgave him for all that skinhead business.

Read Blush’s American Hardcore if you want to re-live those crazy times. I picked up a lot of stuff I didn’t know (like how big of dicks Bad Brains were and how so not compatible Brian Baker was with Glen Danzig). And if you know a young punk rocker, force him or her to read it and ask them if they still think Avril Lavigne is punk.

JR

A Couple of Things...

2006-03-13T11:47:00.000-07:00

I just saw that Knight Ridder sold for $4.5 billion and I was like, “holy shit! Somebody actually paid that much money for that fucking car!”

And then I realized they were talking about the newspaper publisher and I thought, “seriously, how much for the goddamned Knight Rider car?”

Have you seen the Chips AHoy commercial where the clay-mation punk rockers and a giant cookie sing “chunky chips Ahoy/ Oi! Oi! Oi!”?

This is just ridiculous. Does Nabisco (the makers of that dry, flavorless treat) know what Oi music is? If I was selling a product, I would not want it associated with Oi in the least. I did a quick search about it to see if anyone had written about the commercial and about a dozen myspace entries came up where some teenage (and not so teenage) dildos thought it was great. I’m offended by this commercial because Oi is typically associated with skinheads….and these know-nothing retards think it’s a good commerical.

Now before someone gets all over me, I’m not saying all skins are racist. I know quite a few who aren’t, but a lot of this shit goes hand in hand. And even if you remove the racist aspect to it, Oi certainly is an ass kicking, working class, street level music. Hardly the thing you would use to advertise cookies. But the majority of myspace morons don’t know this. They just think it’s punk rock…or the present day wuss version of punk rock. There is nothing more un-punk than using punk to sell cookies. If I have to say that again, I will shit myself. If you don’t hate this commercial on principle, you aren’t, never were, and never will punk to begin with.

If I was truly into Oi, I’d be very bummed out by this. The kids who claim to be punk today should be bummed by this yet are oddly amused by it. Parents who buy Chips Ahoy for their kids should at least know what is being used to sell to their children. I just hate it because it’s yet another thing that had no value to the “man” but now is being used to sell a product. What’s next? The shit and blood covered image of GG Allin selling toilet paper? I hope so.

And that leads me perfectly into my next point: the Sex Pistols and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I’m a little torn by this because one side of me thinks it’s great they told the Hall to shove it. Another part of me though thinks it’s awesome they’ve been given the recognition. I mean, seriously, they changed the world in my opinion and it’s amazing that such a shill of the record industry would honor them. Probably a direct reason there’s a fucking cookie commercial using Oi.

I want them to go because ol’ J. Rotten still has a lot to say and it would be great to see him tear some new ones while accepting the honor. But it wouldn’t be on their terms so I can see how he’d be reticent about going up there. There’s nothing worse than getting trapped into something like that and not getting to say your piece. So I guess it’s for the best that they said “fuck you” to the Hall of Fame. Because as I’ve mentioned above, punk rock’s history has been so watered down and convoluted that no matter what they did, seeing the Sex Pistols in an environment such as the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame might just make me go out and buy some cookies.

Black Sabbath on the other hand, is being inducted and this is perfect for them. They were always supposed to be an arena rock band and this fits them to a T. The only thing that would make one of my favorite band’s induction the best is if all the people who have stolen Sabbath’s riffs over the years would have to come on stage and give them blowjobs. Billy Corgan is going to have his mouth full that night!

JR

..football, TV, why won't you believe me..

2006-03-08T02:05:00.000-07:00

The subject title is from a song a college friend of mine sang who was late for work at the world trade center on sept. 11th. He lived and that's what you'd expect from him. The full lyric (and only lyric) of the song is "Gandalf, can't take my hand off/ Hand off, you're watching football/ TV/ why won't you believe me" or something like that. On with the show.

Tv rules. I'm not ashamed to admit I watch Project Runway. It's great TV. I really don't know shit about fashion like the guys in Blink 182, but I know what looks good and I get off on predicting who goes home every week on the show.

I'm thinking Santino wins but it could be Chloe. The crazy thing about Santino is I had no idea his mom was black. They showed an old family photo and she's a fairly light skin, attractive black woman. He looks like General Zod most of the time, but once I saw his mom, I took another look at him and realized he's cut from the same Nicole Richie genetic cloth. Seriously, they could be brother and sister. Good show though and I'm thinking I'm going to enter my clothing line next year...I don't have anything sewn yet but everything has ruffles.

The other show I saw tonight was Samurai Champloo. I fully dig Adult Swim but I don't really like the Japanese stuff. I don't know what it is, but I lose interest in it very quickly. I tivo'd an episode of Samurai Champloo to see what it was all about and loved it. I have a season pass now, so time will tell if it keeps my interest.

Other than that, I wait breathlessly for new episodes of Lost (theories on request), the Boondocks is the best thing on TV and I just got hooked on the Amazing Race. Yeah, crazy isn't it? I hate most of that shit, but that show reeled me in.

So, if you're satisfied with what I'm watching on TV, please do some TV watching yourself. It's what's good for America.

JR

Crash?

2006-03-05T22:25:00.000-07:00

I'm just shocked that Crash won best picture.

The academy awards are usually bullshit, but this just proves it.

Crash is seriously one of the worst movies i've ever seen. I turned it off at one point because it was so bad. Lifetime movies are better. Sci Fi channel movies about killer bees are better. Anything on UPN is better.

I am so shocked by this utter piece of shit winning the highest honor in film, that I have nothing more to say.....for now.

JR

the Mark of the Wuss

2006-03-03T11:05:00.000-07:00

Fucking religious freaks. Seriously, people who get their panties in a bunch about religion are mentally ill.

A buddy of mine told me a story about how a co-worker of his got all religious on his ass while on a business trip. This creep was a “born again” and felt the need to lay his cheap shtick on my friend.

Well, my friend is a rather well informed, former bible beater who knows an enormous amount about the bible, attended religious schools and overall was a devout Christian until he realized that most of it was bullshit. I think he believes in it still, he just doesn’t buy into the “born again” insanity.

So this guy, after hearing my friend tell him about the bible and explain his viewpoints on religion and how he arrived at them, lays out the whole “you are at a point that I was before I realized the truth” or some shit like that. He continued, “you probably know more about the bible than I do, but do you realize that all you have to do is ask Christ to be your personal lord and savior?” Well duh.

This is your American Christian in action. Doesn’t know a goddamn thing about the bible yet is the expert on what it takes to save your soul. Has no clue as to where any of the words he said came from, yet will tell you you’re wrong because he “knows the way.” It’s funny how all of these people are better than you and you’re not quite on their level because of their religious conversion. Hate to break it to ya, but dumbasses are NEVER on my level.

All you have to do is ask Jesus huh? If it was that easy, don’t you think everybody would be doing it? It’s like those late night/late morning cable ads where the guy works from home and makes $450,000 a year. It’s too good to be true. It’s too easy.

Nothing in this life is that easy. If someone came to you today and said, “you can be a multi millionaire by the end of the day if you just come to my seminar and pledge your loyalty to me.” You’d throw the guy out on his ass. So why don’t we do that to the American Christian? Because they’re crazy and crazy people can’t be reasoned with or negotiated with. You can’t have a logical discussion about religion with a wacko “born again.” It’s like trying to discuss quantum theory with the dude on Colfax with gold paint all over his face form huffing it out of a bag. You’re just wasting your time.

The only difference between American Religious Nuts and Middle Eastern Religious Nuts is the American version isn’t going into a Starbucks and blowing everyone up….yet. Sure we get some of those fuckers shooting up abortion clinics are killing doctors who perform abortions, and while this is sad and alarming, they aren’t going into America’s malls and taking out a large numbers of people; probably because they know they’d be killing a lot of like minded people. They’re bound to do something horrifying in the future, but if there is a positive to suicide bombings, it’s that the American religious freak feels he is so much better than his turban wearing counterpart that he wouldn’t dare sink to their level. Good for us huh?

What brought this latest bile up from the depths of my stomach was a story I read today about RFID chips being the Mark of the Beast.
RFID (radio frequency identification) is rapidly becoming the standard in credit cards and all the shit you use on a daily basis to buy coffee, beer and baby formula….oh wait, that’s what I use it for. Well this nut in the story is convinced that RFID is the Mark of the Beast as foretold in Revelations….that’s a section in the bible for all you “born agains” who haven’t actually bothered to read the thing.

If you read the article it talks about how throughout history, religious crazies have thought various technological advances have been the Mark of the Beast. The Guttenberg Press sent countless mental patients masquerading as normal people into a tizzy when it was introduced. So as each new thing is invented, Revelations gets a boost in ratings because some freak sees a correlation to the BEAST.

If you read Revelations for what it is, anything can be seen as the Mark of the Beast or the signal for the start of the End Times. It’s ironic because if you read Revelations, you could easily interpret the reign of GW Bush as the coming of the Beast. He’s a charismatic leader who people follow blindly. This person is said be loved by a lot of people but is really the anti-Christ. I’m sure everyone on George’s side of the fence felt that way about Bill Clinton, so it’s hilarious that these so called religious people are in fact backing the anti-Christ now.

Here’s some info from a nut job’s website about the End Times:
1. Both beast and its image have exerted political and religious authority
2. Both claim power and right to admit or excommunicate church members
3. Both make laws and creeds to govern their religion
4. Both make names for their religion and assemblies in honor of men
5. Both offer an opportunity of salvation for the sinner after death
6. One claims that there is one body with two heads, the other claims that there are many bodies with one head

(It was funny that while looking up some things about this column, every religious site I went to for information asked for money and/or your email before it would give you more. I don’t believe in email addresses though. It’s the Mark of the Beast!)

Sounds like ol’ Bush to me. Here’s more from Wikpedia (which didn’t ask for any money):

“there is a general consensus that sometime prior to the expected return of Jesus, there will be a period of "trials and tribulations" during which the Antichrist, inspired by Satan, will attempt to win supporters, and will silence anyone or make enemies of any country that refuses to approve of him.”

Yep, that’s him.

And more:

“Some believe that the Antichrist will be of Jewish decent, basing their claims on Daniel 11:37. This verse says "Neither shall he regard the God of his fathers, nor the desire of women, nor regard any god: for he shall magnify himself above all," which matches Jewish tradition of faith in God[[2]]. This may also indicate that the Antichrist is a homosexual[[3]]. Also, the Antichrist, some believe because of John 5:43, may be accepted as Israel's Messiah.”

Really nice how they set the Jews and the gay guys up like that. Don’t try and become the first gay president or Israel’s Messiah any time soon.

And the Muslims have their say too:

“He will initially claim to be a prophet of God but will finally declare himself God.”

Again, sounds like our man GW because he’s such good buddies with God, or so he claims. I can see a single white female scenario playing out where GW will start borrowing Jesus’s clothes and wearing his hair in a similar fashion.

The funny thing about Revelations is that we know the outcome already. It’s like reading spoilers online about your favorite movies and tv shows. We know that Jesus wins! So why is everyone getting so upset?

If you know Jesus wins, why are you fighting the Mark of the Beast coming into play? You’d think these religious lunatics would welcome this. After all, they’re saved right? Once the Mark happens, Jesus is coming and he will save them all. I think it’s a bit telling that the religious fruitcake set is so upset by this; do they know deep down they’re full of shit and Jesus isn’t coming? If you truly believed all this shit, you’d welcome RFID with open arms. Bring on the Apocalypse! I’m ready Lord!

The born again credo of “asking Jesus to be your savior” is utter crap. It’s too easy. It makes people like George Bush have an easy out for all the bad shit they do. Fundamentalist Christianity (christian insanity?) attracts crazy people, drunks and drug addicts and other assholes who’ve fucked up along the way and instead of taking responsibility for their actions, they just have to say a few simple words and “poof,” all is forgiven. I realized a long time ago this was bullshit when my CCD teacher told me that because of Jesus’ forgiveness, even Al Capone could get into heaven (I grew up in Illinois and he was bad guy the kids all knew). I told my dad that and he laughed. “Yeah right,” he said. That’s all I needed to know.

So after my buddy had this enlightening religious discussion with a misinformed, delirious born again, the guy quit his job and went off on some half baked religious quest. I don’t know if my buddy spurred this on, but if this cat ends up shooting up a Hot Topic, I know who to blame.
JR

What's On Your Ipod?

2006-02-24T22:17:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about my ipod the other day and wondered what bands I had the most of on it. I currently have 7,548 songs on my 40 gig and am adding more every day.

Here's the list of the most prominent players in my pod:

6 albums of the combined acts of the Smiths/Morrisey.

6 albums of the combined acts of Pavement/Malkmus.

6 albums from the immortal Willie Nelson (this includes a "best of").

7 Fugazi albums.

7 Neil Young albums.

7 Slayer albums.

And now, the real players on my ipod:

The Figgs clock in at 9 albums (some of these are eps).

The Cure is represented by 10 albums.

Tom Waits of course has 10 albums gloriously taking space on my ipod.

Black Sabbath has 10 albums in the ol' library. I love Sabbath. I even have a Dio Sabbath on there.

And the winner of the most albums featured on my ipod?

None other than the mother fuckin' Rolling Stones who registered a whopping 11 albums on my ipod. God Bless those wrinkly bastards.

Honorable mentions: Built to Spill, Miles Davis, U2 (yeah, I know, but I still have a soft spot for their old stuff), Johnny Cash and of course King Tubby; who probably has more albums on there than anyone, but his name is on everything, so I can't actually list him. I've got a TON of Tubby on there, but who knows what he did and what his name was just placed on. He could have beat the Stones...in more ways than one.

Please let me know what the rest of y'all have the most of on your ipods.

JR

The Daily Show: Bad For America?

2006-02-23T16:39:00.000-07:00

I’ve come to the probably unpopular conclusion that The Daily Show is not funny. If not for John Stewart’s impeccable comic timing, I think the show would be about as funny as anything Jim Belushi was ever involved with. I can find some of it mildly amusing but there’s not much propping up the lame “politically charged” jokes other than its willingness to stick it to politicians. Stewart is funny, but he’s milking his legend more than he’s actually being funny on the show. The studio audience and a large following of numbskulls fanatically support The Daily Show and proclaim it provocative with their constant guffawing at Stewart’s easy takes on the state of the union.

I used to watch The Daily Show a lot back when Craig Kilborn was the host and didn’t see any problem with Stewart taking the reigns. But sure enough, like the US Women’s Olympic snowboard team, the great expectations went south quickly.

I’m glad someone’s humorously pointing out the hypocrisy and absurdity of the Bush administration but that’s all it is: comedy. Bush is laughing all the way the Dick Cheney’s bank because the voice of dissention has been reduced to a half hour of comedy on a basic cable channel. Shit, Stewart can riff all he wants, it doesn’t change anyone’s mind. The people watching the Daily Show and getting off on the Bush bashing won’t do shit about it once South Park comes on. And that's just how Bush's gang likes it.

Dick Cheney is a great example. Sure he shot someone but the fact that everyone obsessed over it is just pathetic. Of all the evil, illegal, crappy things Cheney has done, the media is going to beat him up for shooting someone while hunting? Give me a break. People get shot all the time hunting. This isn’t shocking. And when Cheney tried to explain it was the dummy’s fault that he got shot (in true Bush Administration fashion) he was railed for it. You tell me, someone gets shot in the face and you don’t think they might have been in the wrong place at the wrong time? Jesus. I never thought I’d be defending DICK, but here I am.

The ass pounding Cheney has taken is just further evidence that the Democrats have nothing to offer. They have to beat this guy up over getting drunk and shooting some poor sap (like Ted Nugent hasn’t done that 20 times already) when he’s probably the most vile and corrupt politician since Boss Tweed and Boss Hogg combined. Please, don’t waste your time pondering the time line of the hunting accident when you could be investigating the countless Halliburton contracts awarded in Iraq that are lining DICK’s pockets right now.

Fucking Christ.

The Daily Show is a symptom of this. It’s a lazy way for armchair activists to get angry about the state of the world while never straying too far from the bong or the Cheeto bag. They laugh way too hard at weak Jon Stewart jokes and become indignant when GW displays just how fucking stupid he really is. But once the half hour is over, Bush keeps getting away with it, Comedy Central makes its money, and another liter of Pepsi is liberated from its bottle.

Please save your “But What Are You Doing?” bullshit anonymous posts. I don’t care. Jon Stewart (or his writers) are doing their part by at least being the only media outlet to comment on some of the jackassery going on. But it’s the people, by watching The Daily Show, who feel they’ve made a difference and that’s what’s wrong here. Today’s American can literally watch a TV show, laugh too hard at borderline unfunny jokes and feel they’ve done something to help the world.

It’s kind of like that one guy in the movie theater who’s laughing way too hard at the jokes in the film because he was told it was funny and feels that if he’s not laughing his ass off, he’s missing something. They figure if they laughed hardest, they care the most and were the only ones who “got it.” Well, you don’t “get it” do you? Daily Show viewers are just like that; I guess they’d rather laugh than getting their hands dirty with how fucked up our federal government is. And I can’t really blame them actually. Just don’t think they’re “doing something” by simply watching Jon Stewart mug for the camera.

And on that note, I just want to say that Lewis Black, The Daily Show commentator is the MOST UNFUNNY MAN in America. Why this sad sack of shit is still on this show, I will never understand. He sucks so bad it brings tears to my eyes if I can’t find the remote to get his dismal act off of my TV screen. The entire cast of MAD TV combined can’t equal the level of suckiness that Lewis Black spits up during every episode of The Daily Show…..but again, he’s getting plenty of laughs, so what does that tell you? That Americans have their head up their ass about yet another thing: comedy. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, there’s a reason why According to Jim is still on the air.

JR

Savor the Flavor

2006-02-21T23:39:00.000-07:00

I’m trying to type this with a bag of ice on my crotch because I pulled my groin playing hockey. I’ve gone awhile without getting injured so I’m pretty sure any old man jokes digs you have for me are moot. I am old, but I’m in ok shape even though I’m sore all the time; but I don’t admit that.

It’s funny though, there’s this old dude who plays in the same league and he looks a bit like a child molester. He’s an ok guy, he just looks creepy. He’s old or looks old. I’m 35, but this guy looks 48. The problem is whenever I play against his team or before his team, I happen to look over at the exact time he walks by naked to the shower. Every fucking time. I did it tonight and I told my buddy CP about it who thought it was hilarious. I’m pretty sure he was glad he didn’t see him naked because the image is ghastly. I’m beginning to feel he thinks I’m checking him out because I literally have seen him naked like 10 times in the last four months.

Typical locker room etiquette states that if you just happen to make eye contact with a naked man going to the shower, you look away casually like it’s no big deal. I’ve done that so many times with this guy he doesn’t buy it anymore. I don’t know why I just happen to be looking at the spot where he walks by, but it happens all the time.

The next time he’s around, I’m just looking straightforward until I know he’s done being naked. It’s a horrible sight and I would rather have two groin pulls than see him naked again.

But icing my crotch hasn’t stopped me from getting fired up about Flavor of Love. If you read my earlier post, I can’t get enough of Flavor of Love. It’s the best reality show on television. It has it all: Gold diggin’ bitches, hot naked skanks, and best of all, Flavor Flav. Flavor Flav should seriously be on a goddamn stamp.

The one crazy ass bitch “Hottie” got kicked off recently and was given the most unceremonious exit. Flav happened to catch her on old episode of “Blind Date” where she revealed her true self as the crazy, gold diggin’ bitch that she is. Seriously, this woman is nuts. When there was challenge to cook Flav fried chicken, she took a raw chicken, stuffed it with vegetables and put in the microwave for five minutes….and didn’t see anything wrong with that.

Flav figured she was trouble after seeing “Blind Date” and gave her the boot. The best part was, every time she was interviewed, she kept blinking her big, luscious lashed eyes. When she did, they put in a sound effect like a bike bell ringing. It was a masterstroke on the producers’ part and made her look even crazier; if that was possible. Cha-ching, cha-ching!

There was a great part where Flav told the girls they were going to meet some “old friends” of his. The girls went crazy saying, “we’re going to meet Public Enemy!” and put on their hoochiest of hoochie momma clothing. Well, Flav took them to some “old friends.” It was a retirement home and the girls had to put in false teeth and rub lotion on some very old and nasty feet. You won’t find comedy like that on Survivor, no fucking way.

So Flav’s got his hands full. He’s down to three girls: Pumpkin (bland, dumb white girl who looks like a poor, poor man’s Cameron Diaz), Hoopz (super hot, in shape, light skin black girl) and New York (the uber crazy, could be a man, too much make-up havin’ whatever she is).

I’m pretty sure Pumpkin blew Flav this week to keep herself around and the preview next week shows her and New York fighting; NY attacks pumpkin and pushes her past the camera crew. If there is a god, NY will end up on the Surreal Life and Corey Feldman will strangle her to death.

I mean, if you haven’t seen this, doesn’t it sound ridiculous? My description can’t do it the justice it deserves, so I would urge you to check it out, or fire up your TiVo so it’s waiting for you when you come home drunk some time next week.

The only thing that can make this better is if Chuck D shows up (doesn’t look like he’s going to, and Pumpkin wouldn’t know who he was anyway) and spat some lyrics of fury to see which woman could handle it. I think Pumpkin’s head was fall off, because she already admitted she doesn’t understand Flav’s “black slang.” Classic. I’m pulling for my girl Hoopz but I’m sure when Flavor Flav’s involved, anything can happen. Flavor Flav on the hype tip for sure.

JR

Getting High On Fire

2006-02-16T23:59:00.000-07:00

Speaking of High on Fire, the mighty metal band is playing tonight (friday feb 17th) at Cervantes in Denver.

I will be there, wearing earplugs because I've already had enough problems with my ears. Stop by and say hey....unless you hate me...then you probaby wouldn't be there anyway...but if you are there, well maybe you are a Satan worshipping metal fan after all. God...er...Satan bless you.

JR

Arrested Development Rides Off Into the Sunset

2006-02-15T15:04:00.000-07:00

Life sure as fuck isn’t fair. Genuinely good things goes unnoticed until they’re gone and the bad and mediocre get rewarded because people who don’t know their ass from a hole in Shitney Spear’s head get to make the decisions.

It’s become almost cliché to lament the passing of Fox’s Arrested Development. The awesome and destined to be classic half hour show was cancelled, presumably due to low ratings, even though it won an Emmy and achieved a near fanatical fan base. It was routine to hear myself, friends and family members say, “why is Arrested Development getting cancelled when (insert bad Fox show here) is still on?” My favorite shows to insert were The War At Home, a terrible waste of a half hour, and Prison Break. Talk about a Gilligan’s Island scenario; either they escape or not and the show’s over. Just a plain waste of everyone’s time. And very, very homoerotic from the look of the commercials, just like the OC.

My sister can’t believe Stacked, the Pam Anderson “laugh-fest” is still on instead of Arrested, and I’m pretty sure if you shaved some money off of Bill O’Reilly’s sexual harassment defense fund, there’d be some money left over to pay for Arrested Development’s production. Couldn’t have Fox spared us the abysmal Head Cases (which lasted like two episodes and I won a bet with my wife because it was cancelled…she claimed it would go a full season. Ha.) and the soon-to-be-cancelled, as soon-as-it-premiers because it looks terrible, The Loop?

I think that was the problem with Arrested Development. It probably cost more to make because it wasn’t done on a crappy sound stage. They actually shot a lot on location which can’t be cheap. The War At Home is done on one, maybe two sets and they got writers from the local community college to send in jokes for added savings. They saved even more money by getting photos of Michael Rappaport blowing Spike Lee and blackmailed him into to doing the show for free. That’s the only reason I could come up with as to why he would be involved with something sooooo shitty.

Married: With Children, the epic Fox sitcom was filmed on a few sets and still became a classic American comedy (seriously, I believe this). But what other sitcoms do you remember being on Fox during the time it was on? The Simpsons? Was there anything else that stood the test of time? No, because Fox has a long track record of putting out crap and not recognizing when it has something good.

Arrested Development is probably gone for good. There were grumblings that it could go to another network or Showtime, but I don’t think those rumors have panned out. It’s a shame because it was by far the best written comedy on TV in a long while. Was it too sophisticated for the bland American palette? I think so. The fact that the According to Jim, Yes Dear, and The King of Queens are still on proves that.

So for the same reason Asslee Simpson sells a lot of records and Martin Lawrence still makes movies, Arrested Development has gone the way of the dodo. The lesson here is enjoy it while it lasts because no matter how much talent and creative juice you have in a project, it won’t matter when Skating With Bruce Jenner’s Plastic Surgery Disaster pulls in more ratings. Vaya con dios, Arrested Development.

Epilogue to this post: William Hung (the spectacular failure of American Idol) was on one of the final episodes of Arrested. William Hung and the Hung Jury was his band name I think. Anyway, I’ve got a great William Hung story that I’ll share with you next time.

JR

The Grammy's...or the Hammy's because it's all fat and salt

2006-02-09T15:11:00.000-07:00

I don’t have to tell you that the Grammy’s stink like bunghole. Anyone with even a half way decent musical taste knows that the Grammy’s are just a music industry wank off that doesn’t truly reflect who put out the best music last year. It’s all about sales and what the dullards will sit and listen to dozens of times a day. Yeah, some will argue that if someone sells a lot of music, it means a lot of people listen to it. Sure. But have you ever seen what the people who buy Mariah Carey or new U2 albums look like? These people look characters from an old John Waters movie…scratch that; those people probably even have better music taste.

Music taste is all in the ear of the beholder I guess. Where one person is into the Decemberists, another is into Suckjan Stevens. Now I hate Suckjan, but if you’re into him, you’re probably smart enough to like some other good stuff. If you bought the latest Black Eyed Peas album, you’re probably wearing an adult diaper.

I took a look at the Grammy winners because I would rather have the rough end of a coax cable shoved up my pee hole than sit through that shit. Here’s what I came up with.

Record of the Year: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams," Green Day.
-It’s not that I don't mind this newer Green Day stuff; it’s just that it’s so weird to see these guys getting Grammy’s. A lot of teenagers bought this and while that’s fine, you probably want to be selling to teens when you’re closer to their own age.

Male R&B Vocal Performance: "Ordinary People," John Legend.
-I’ve heard the name, but have never heard the music. How is that? Wouldn’t R Kelly have been up for this award? That’s who would get my vote.

Pop Vocal Album: "Breakaway," Kelly Clarkson.
-Any time a TV created pop star starts winning awards, it's sad and alarming. Did the Monkees win any Grammy’s? They should have, they had some pretty good songs and with none of the pretension of being a star that stinks up Clarkson.

Rap/Sung Collaboration: "Numb/Encore," Jay-Z featuring Linkin Park.
-Jay Z’s cred took a serious hit when he hooked up with these whiny pussies. Linkin Park is one of the worst rap/nu metal/whine rock groups to ever spray their feces onto the radio. Did Jay Z not know these guys sucked so bad when he agreed to do it? Hell, why doesn’t he just record an album with Limp Bizkit next? It’s just as bad.

Song of the Year: "Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own," U2.
-Will someone please stop feeding U2’s ego? U2 hasn’t done anything worth a shit in years and years. Their Ipod commercial (which is the only reason anyone heard anything new by U2 in years) was pretty good, but of all the music that was released last year, U2 is the only group you can think of to give an award?

Female Pop Vocal Performance: "Since U Been Gone," Kelly Clarkson.
-Again, a media created singer who is only in there because they couldn’t think of anyone else to give it to.

Country Album: "Lonely Runs Both Ways," Alison Krauss and Union Station.
-Wait. A country award that doesn’t go to some jerk named Chesney or Toby? What the fuck?

Rap Album: "Late Registration," Kanye West.
-I don’t like him and I’m sure there’s better hi- hop that came out last year but he’s the only black guy the retards voting on the Grammy’s could think of doing that rap music. Notice it says “rap” and not hip-hop. Just shows you how out of touch they really are.

Rock Album: "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb," U2.
-Rock? Seriously? Again, they couldn’t think of anyone else. They might as well call this the “Default” award.

Rap Solo Performance: "Gold Digger," Kanye West.
-I’ll give this one to them. As far as a single goes, it was pretty good. But I can’t help but think he gets votes because he looks like the CEO of a company and not like he just got released from a maximum-security facility.

Rap Performance by a Duo or Group: "Don't Phunk With My Heart," The Black Eyed Peas.
-Oh man. These guys are such a joke. They already have turned themselves into cartoon versions of themselves with their Best Buy ads and they can only sink further and further into ridiculousness from here. Their music is for brain dead morons who can still tap their toe and they need clever song titles just to detract from their bland hip-hop. Remember the crazy looking dudes from Hammer’s posse back in the 80’s? The Black Eyed Peas will look just as stupid 10 years from now.

Rap Song: "Diamonds From Sierra Leone," D. Harris and Kanye West.
-This is the best “rap” song? Surely there has been a better song than this. Kanye’s “Gold Digger was better than this shit. Again, they couldn’t find another black guy, so they had to go with this. Even that Laffy Taffy song is better than this.

Solo Rock Vocal Performance: "Devils & Dust," Bruce Springsteen.
-Eh, I like Bruce so much better now than I did in the 80’s that I don’t mind him getting an award. But like the Academy Awards, why not reward him for his good work and not a token award later on?

Rock Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocal: "Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own," U2.
-Please. I’m sick of writing about how lame this is.

Hard Rock Performance: "B.Y.O.B.," System of a Down.
-What’s the difference between Rock and Hard Rock. And why wasn’t TurboNegro nominated? System of a Down is just too “jokey” for me. Too goofy. There are tons of bad ass hard rock bands playing right now and System isn’t one of them.

Metal Performance: "Before I Forget," Slipknot.
-The only Metal band other than Metallica and Jethro Tull that the Grammy committee has heard of apparently. And the first two didn’t put out albums last year, so Slipknot gets the nod. How utterly shameful when High On Fire released Blessed Black Wings this past year. That album would tear the monster masks off all the members of Slipknot and melt Courtney Love’s plastic surgery into a pool at her feet. Now that’s metal.

Rock Song: "City of Blinding Lights, U2, (U2).
-Are they just handing out awards to be handing out awards? Did they just go through the track list on U2’s album and say, “yeah, that one sounds good.” What a crock of shit.

Alternative Music Album: "Get Behind Me Satan," The White Stripes.
-Oh yeah, here we go. Now it’s time for the “alternative” awards. Never heard of anyone else obviously. I like the White Stripes but did they really deserve this award for that album, or did the Grammy committee just ask some intern what alternative bands there were? When he listed the White Stripes as one of them, someone probably spoke up and said,“yeah, that one I’ve heard of!” If they’ve heard of a group in this category, it’s in because they couldn’t be bothered to go out and listen to anything else. Spoon put out a better “alternative” album as did Beck and Clap Your Hands, and the Shout Out Louds….the list goes on. But no one on the committee had heard of those guys right?

Female R&B Vocal Performance: "We Belong Together," Mariah Carey.
-She was supposed to sweep the Grammy’s but she came up short. By all rights she released a comeback album of sorts that if you’re into her, was supposed to be good, yet she gets killed by U2 who continue to mail it in. Do you think her famous melt down and foray into the movie business is all the Grammy people could remember? They do live in the past, so it’s very possible.

R&B Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocals: "So Amazing," Beyonce and Stevie Wonder.
-Does anyone know what this is?

Traditional R&B Vocal Performance: "A House Is Not a Home," Aretha Franklin.
-Shameful, token award for a legitimate legend. I hope she took the award and threw it into the crowd screaming “fuck you!”

Urban/Alternative Performance: "Welcome to Jamrock," Damian Marley.
-Of all the albums listed here, this was by far the best thing to come out. This album should have won album of the year because it’s seriously that good. But no. It’s relegated to Urban/Alternative (whatever the fuck that is) because it’s in a genre that doesn’t sell well in the U.S. The fact that it made it at all is surprising but it was such a good album, it probably couldn’t have been denied. But again, a truly great album gets the shaft and U2 is smirking all the way to the bank. Unfair, unbalanced and unethical. The Grammy’s, just like life.

JR

The Argument For a Rigged NFL

2006-02-07T11:34:00.000-07:00

I never thought I’d say this, but the NFL is most definitely rigged. The Super Bowl was the shining example of how money and ratings has overridden the integrity of the game.

What it comes down to is advertising dollars. Which team and its players will sell the most products? In the divisional playoff game between the Indianapolis Colts and the Pittsburgh Steelers, an outrageous overturned interception call nearly caused the Steelers to lose the game. If not for the Colts shooting themselves in the hoof, the Steelers wouldn’t have made it to the Super Bowl a few weeks later. And here’s why the call was overturned: Peyton Manning sells more products. Manning is the golden boy of advertising and his image of a future hall of fame quarterback makes cash registers ring all across the country. Simply put, Manning going deep into the playoffs means more money the NFL will make off of him. The Steelers weren’t supposed to win that game even though they kicked the shit out of the Colts. Whatever the refs could do to help the Colts along, they did. It was obvious and grotesque.

The misnomer here is that the refs are fixing games on their own. No, they’re not getting together before the game and deciding its outcome. No, they’re too dumb for that. The NFL (whether it be the commissioner, the czar or whoever pulls the strings) mandates that the refs make these horrible, horrible calls. Seriously. They’ve just gotten worse and worse every year. If you ran such a massive money making organization as the NFL, would keep these bumbling fools around who are making your game look absurd? Of course not.

This was a banner year for referee fuck ups. One would think the head honchos of the NFL would have gotten together and said “look, we have to do something about these knuckleheads ruining the best sport in the USA.” But nothing has happened.

The NFL won’t come out and blast the refs because if they hang them out to dry too many times (after asking them to basically fix games) the refs will revolt and all the dirty laundry will be out in the open.

Take this past Super Bowl for example. The Steelers made it past Indy and the hapless Broncos (sniff), suddenly they are the darlings of the advertising circuit. Once all the favorites were eliminated (the Patriots and Tom Brady couldn’t log enough advertising time this year), the Steelers became the chosen ones of American consumerism. Everyone wants to see Big Ben on Letterman and selling hot dogs right? Ben Rothlisberger went from doing bad sports memorabilia commercials to ads for Disney in a matter of two weeks. Strange, don’t you think? I don’t know about you, but the Seattle Seahawks are not dynamic personalities. I had no idea what Shaun Alexander even looked like before last week and Matt Hasselbeck is a bald dork. God forbid they’re just athletes who are supposed to make their money out on the field first. No one wants to see these guys hawking Pepsi and Visa related items. Before you could say “the fix is in,” the fix was in.

So during the actual Super Bowl, any time Seattle got a little momentum, they got the Joan Collins Special. That means they got screwed. A touchdown called back for dubious offensive pass interference call. Phantom Holding Calls and Big Ben’s touchdown that never touched the end zone. It was like watching gas prices rise and Exxon reporting record profits; there’s not a damn thing you could do about it.

The appropriate thing to do here is either announce that the refs are terrible (they have been for awhile) and fire all of them, or admit they are rigging the games to favor the more marketable. One would think the NFL would come out and blast the officials for fucking up so bad, but they don’t. If they fire these assholes, the refs will rat them out. If they admit to rigging the games, there will be a lot of gamblers out for blood.

NFL football is now America’s game. And if it ever comes out that the games have been rigged to satisfy advertisers and obnoxious East Coast ass lickers (i.e. fans in alleged “big markets”), I will kick Peyton Manning in the nuts….ok, I’ll do that anyway, but you get the point.

Super Bowl Commercial Suckfest

2006-02-06T17:40:00.000-07:00

Every year it’s the same. The Super Bowl sucks and the commercials are even suckier. I can remember a time around the early 90’s when the Super Bowl commercials ceased to be exciting. Maybe I just grew up or just started despise bullshit, hackneyed ads, but I do remember a time when they were good. I think it was before I had pubic hair.

The Super Bowl was a time for advertisers to unfurl their meaty staffs and whip out their big guns and shoot a wad of consumerism down our throats. This was their time to take the new year by storm and burn an image of their product in our brains for months to come. Now it’s just Jessica Simpson shaking her ass for pizza.

And it’s not like Simpson’s pizza ads are sexy at all. I mean they want to sell pizza via her tight, pert breasts, but they can’t go fully porno because people will bum out. And it’s too bad because for the right money, Joe Simpson would force her daughter into just about any situation for the cash.

The Pizza Hut ads are just lame. I guess the ad itself is pretty bland, but what’s worse is how this so-called recording and movie star is relegated to just making TV commercials. I’m sure she got paid well, but it really is a sign of defeat when you go out like that; hawking pizza and shaking the only thing people will pay to see: that sweet ass. She’ll be in Playboy in five years: her father lurking in the shadows, masturbating while counting his money.

And how monstrous has Pizza Hut pizza become? The Cheesy Bites Poppable Crust thing looks like a failed human-animal hybrid experiment Bush was talking about. I’m fully expecting cow DNA to be baked into the pie that will make delicious cheese sauce until you consume its Frankenstein-like flesh. Jesus.

Diet Pepsi always gets my vote for worst ads and they don’t disappoint when something like the SB rolls around. Diet Pepsi, the very fragile structure still propping up P Duddly’s career, has a new slogan: “Brown and Bubbly.” P Duddly is in one of the ads where he wants to record a song with the can of Diet Pepsi. Jay Mohr, slumming it as usual, is an agent brokering the deal between the can and Diddly. Yeah, it’s just as mind numbing and ridiculous as it sounds.

The commercial is all hip-hopped out and the only white people you see are squares and blood sucking agents. The rest are fun loving black people, partying with Diet Pepsi. I guess that’s where “Brown and Bubbly” comes into play. Hey, while you’re just blatantly sucking up to whomever you think drinks that shit, you might as well target black people too. After all, Pepsi hasn’t seemed to give a poop (that’s brown and not so bubbly) about black America in the past and never really had black guys in their ads until Puff Dangly….Michael Jackson doesn’t count.

Anyway, it just shows what depths someone like P Duddly would go to make a buck. His music career is already in the toilet so he basically makes a statement with this ad that says “yeah, I will record a song with a soda can!” That says so much. What’s even better is he’s so full of shit, he doesn’t even realize that by doing a commercial like this and associating with the likes of an aluminum can, Carson Daly and other inanimate objects, he’s letting everyone know that he’s got nothing left in the tank. Good riddance you fucking dickhead.

There was a Sprint ad where a guy just hits another guy with his phone. Not funny, violent and obvious. I’m sure it made a “best of list” somewhere.

I actually liked a Hummer ad believe it or not. Most Hummer ads just blow. They are the pinnacle of asshole advertising; catering to consumers’ insecurities about not driving the biggest gas hog on the road and not being as cool as their stupid, jerk ass neighbors. The “Happy Jack” ad springs to mind as an example of Hummer’s belief that you should “just cheat and tell everyone else to fuck off” on the road of life.

But the Hummer “Monsters” ad was pretty cool. It showed a Japanese style monster facing off with a giant robot in a miniature city. They’re about to go to blows and they realize the love each other, settle down and have a kid. The kid is a Hummer and that made me take a step back, but the ad is well shot and well, I just love giant robots and monsters. Who doesn’t?

It seems like a lot of people loved the Bud Light “magic fridge” ad where a selfish bastard protects his Bud Light by installing a rotating wall that makes his fridge disappear. And every time he flips the switch, the guys on the other side rejoice and raid the fridge. There are a lot of flaws to this (like, after the first time the fridge came back empty, maybe you’d stop doing sending it there?) but the main one I can’t get out of my head is the fact that I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t drink Bud Light even if it magically appeared in my house. It’s impressive how Bud Light’s ad campaign can make even the worst beer look like the fanatical obsession of thirsty lunkheads everywhere.

The best ad had to be the Ameriquest commercial that takes place on a plane. I don’t know what Ameriquest is or does (something financial I’m guessing) but the ad was great. A woman on a nighttime flight tries to get out of her window seat by climbing over two sleeping men. There’s some turbulence and she ends up kind of falling into a straddling position facing the man. The fasten seat belt sign comes on as well as the lights and everybody sees this woman giving the guy a lap dance. It was a very well done piece of comic writing. Too bad I still don’t know what Ameriquest is.

So, as always the Super Bowl ads were shit. But that’s how it’s been for a long time. Not since the first and second Bud Bowl have I have been excited to watch the commercials and having them be the bad combination of Pepsi cluelessness and Bud Light ridiculousness isn’t helping matters. Oh and the NFL is fixed. I did watch the game, in between reporting on the ads for you dear reader. And that was no touch down. He was close, but still didn’t score. I wish I could say the same thing for Poof Daddly.

JR

Academy Award Nominations: Proof That Hollywood Is An Old Man With Alzheimer’s

2006-01-31T15:32:00.000-07:00

Wow. Did you see the movies nominated for Academy Awards? I only saw one on the list. As you all know, I really only rent movies because I can’t stand to be in a movie theater with the typical movie going public. Stinky, mouth breathers all of them. But that’s not my point here.

I will probably rent the likes of “Good Night and Good Luck,” “Capote”(PS Hoffman rules) and possibly “Munich.” I’ll even rent “Brokeback Mountain” but I’ll only watch it in the company of my wife so I don’t catch the gay from it. My wife said I’m afraid to watch it because I’d probably get a boner. Maybe so. No, I’ll see it because by all accounts it supposed to be a good film. And I hope it wins because that means another film on the list (the one I have seen) won’t win.

That film is “Crash.” A movie made by assholes for assholes.

“Crash” is such a terrible movie I am completely shocked that it’s even mentioned in the same breath as the Academy Awards. Sure the Awards are usually for crappy movies and are just an industry hand job, but I really thought that a film of such amazing shitty-ness couldn’t possibly have gotten itself nominated.

This movie is such a turd; you can smell it within five minutes of pushing play on your DVD player. My mom asked me today if I had seen it and I went into exacting detail on how bad it was. She said, “I heard it was good.” Well, mom, you and the rest of the country heard wrong.

“Crash” is not only a heavy handed and ridiculous exercise in exploring the most outrageous racist situations; it’s just a crap movie. There’s no doubt that racism exists, but “Crash” shoves it in your face and crams it down your throat as if you didn’t know that. Everyone is a racist and a stereotype in this movie but it’s so over the top that you can’t see anything but the racism. Sure, it’s about racism, but there’s absolutely no character development because everyone is too busy being racist. I’m mean seriously, even racists aren’t racists 24 hours a day right? Not in writer/director Paul Haggis’ world.

The black cop is racist to the female Latino cop. The white woman is racist towards the Mexican locksmith, the Iranian guy is a dick, the white cop shakes down black people, the black guy the white cop humiliated tries to be a white guy….it goes on and on. There is nothing subtle to it and when something is this obvious it typically means that the writer was not skilled enough to deliver his ideas in a way that will make you think for yourself, but in a fashion that only jerks can understand.

There’s part where a white cop asks the black cop “what is it with you black people?” or something to that effect. Who says this? I’m sure someone has, but for that, and all the other examples to happen in one movie just seems like an orgy of racist fantasies. It doesn’t work.

I used to work in elevators. I would wipe them down and take out light scratches. I worked all over the downtown Denver area and saw all kinds of people. I was working in a building one day, riding up and down the elevator, cleaning the metal when people would get off. There was a phone company or something in the building and it happened to employ a lot of black people.

On a side note to this, the black people who work in these buildings were always very nice to me while white people were snide, rude and typically offended by my presence in their elevator. I don’t consider this a “Crash” (or is that “crass”) style generalization because I worked all over, for a few years and it was always the same. The white people, on the whole, fucking sucked.

So I was cleaning an elevator one day and after a group of black folk got off, it was just me and one white guy left. He said something like, “that’s a fun job,” (I always hated that because it made it seemed like their crappy phone job was soooo much better) and I said “yeah, there’s a lot of finger prints on these doors that are hard to get off.” The door opened, he started to get off and turned back to me and said, “yeah, monkey prints.”

The doors closed and I just kind of stood there with my mouth open. Here was this white guy who worked around a large group of black people and had this amazing amount of hostility built up toward them. He finally was able to let it out to a “fellow white guy” and he probably felt pretty good about it. To me it was horrifying.

Outward racism is obvious. It’s loud, unintelligent and usually takes care of itself because it’s just so outrageous and bizarre. But the subtle and quiet racism is what scares me. This type has a much more sinister air to it and I believe is more dangerous.

The dickheads who made “Crash” couldn’t be bothered to write about real racism; they had to do a cartoon version just to appease dumb wankers who can feel good about themselves because they haven't openly said "nigger" in over a decade. Making a movie like that would have been challenging and after seeing “Crash” (actually I turned it off ¾ of the way through because it smoked so much pole) these fuckers couldn’t have hit a burning cross with a wadded up Klan robe.

If “Crash” wins, I will never watch another movie again. Ok, maybe that’s a bit too hasty. How about “another movie written and/or directed by Paul Haggis again”? If “Crash” is this bad, what’s that say about the other movies? When I finally watch “Broke Back Mountain,” I’ll let you know if it gave me a boner.

JR

Nü Country: worse than Backstreet, Britney and Korn combined

2006-01-30T12:20:00.000-07:00

Ug. Nü Country isn’t too far off from Nü Metal or Boy Band pap from late 90’s. Actually it’s worse because with Nü Metal and shitty pop music, at least the people making it know they are creating music for kids and brain dead morons. There’s no shame in making kid’s music, it’s just when Marilyn Manson pretends that he’s NOT making music exclusively for pimply teens, it gets me riled. Nü Country meatheads are making music for grown ass adults and don’t even think twice about how bad it is.

Nü Country just fucking sucks in so many ways. I saw a billboard for a new (not Nü) country station in Denver called “Willlie 92.5.” Well, I love Willie (as in Nelson) so I tuned in to check out what they had going on. The station claimed to play “wide open country” meaning they don’t play the same old crap that competing station KYGO would play. I took this to mean that “Willie” would actually play Willie and maybe some Johnny, Merle and quite possibly some Hank. But no. It was the same horrific, bad pop country that masquerades as country music.

When I had ankle surgery awhile back, I went to a physical therapy place that pumped KYGO over the speakers every time I went. I’ll go to great lengths to bitch about how much I hate that shitty, shitty music to you dear reader, but in a situation like that, I keep my mouth shut and let the lady work on my surgically repaired ankle. Besides, how could I write about it if I didn’t suffer through it?

KYGO plays the worst of the Nü Country. The Allan Jackson’s, Kenny Cheesney’s and the man I believe is responsible for continued terror attacks, Toby Keith. I like country music; I’m listening to a great Hank Williams record called “Turning Back the Years: Essential Hank Williams Collection” as I type this right now. So it’s not like I don’t enjoy the genre. It’s just that Nü Country is terrible pop music done with a southern accent and vaguely (and sometimes not so vaguely) nationalistic overtones. But really the bottom line is it just sucks harder than golfer Phil Mickelson’s uptight white guy face. This music is powerful bad.

So I gave “Willie 92.5” a listen and all the promos said things like, “we play all the country music unlike those other stations.” Oh yeah? So how come when I listened for that hour, I only heard eardrum piercing crap like “Honky Tonk Budunkadunk,” (seriously, that’s what it’s called) and some awful sad bastard ballad where some wuss sang about drinking wine and crying over a woman. Drinking and crying have always been themes in country music, but never have they been handled so poorly and wimpily than they have in this song. When Merle Haggard sang about drinking wine, he was doing it in a shitty bar or laying in an alley, crying over his lost love. In the Nü Country world, these creeps are taking a bath and sitting in front of the fire in their slippers. This is the sonic equivalent to having Slayer start singing about using moisturizer and shopping at IKEA. So sad, it shakes me to the core.

Needless to say, I won’t be turning on “Willie” anymore because the station dropped the ball so quickly after I tuned in that spending any more time listening would only waste precious seconds of my life that I would could spend listening to the sound of my own breathing. If I was Willie (not “Willie”) I’d sue these bastards for soiling my good name.

JR

Mail bag!

2006-01-28T10:17:00.000-07:00

Oh boy, got a lot of comments recently...someone must have linked the site because the freaks and assholes came out in droves to buy into what I'm selling. There's a bunch of new ones (so look thru the posts) and I've selected two choice cuts below. One from an irate christian who thinks Jesus invented music and another from an anonymous fan boy. Oh and don't miss the comment from the dick who said I'm down with Sadam Hussein because I think Dick Cheney sucks. He sent links to photos of Hussein's atrocities. Fuck you man. Funny, I don't remember endorsing Hussein or his atrocities, but hey, that's what you get from internet cowards. Read the posts if you're interested in some real assholism. Enjoy

Greg Neumeyer said...
"If someone said “Happy Hanukkah” or “Happy Kwanzaa,” I wouldn’t bat an eye. I’d say “thanks, you too,” and keep on keepin’ on."

So why do you expect a Christian to neuter his holidays to please your sensibilities? No Christian I know wants to keep a Jew from wishing anyone "Happy Hanukkah", but you want to forcibly keep anyone from recognizing theirs.

Are you so weak you can't bear to be reminded that it is Christians that created this time of the year you like so much? Or maybe you are reminded of the fact that the Church created not just this holiday you enjoy, but the 6, then 5 day work week? Or the abolition of slavery...or the creation of music...or universities...or discovered biology? Or invented the way of counting hours that you use?

and I said:

first of all dickhead, the point of the piece is that no one should be forced to recognize any religious bullshit.

you make is seem like i said "happy kwaanzaa" is ok but "merry christmas" is not. that's not what i said you fuck.

you get all uptight when someone challenges your christian beliefs and you start making things up.

go ahead, say "merry christmas" just don't come down on someone because they don't say it. i love christmas! it's great. and i don't even believe in your fantasy character jesus.

"but you want to forcibly keep anyone from recognizing theirs" is your quote. that's just a goddamned lie. show me where i said that and i'll go to church with you. christians love to put words in people's mouths. i want people to recognize and honor their holiday and religion, i just don't want them to suck so bad while doing it.

and as far as the rest of your comments about christianity inventing everything: christmas started out as a pagan holiday. the christians took it over and assigned christ's birthday to it. i'm sure he's stoked about that.

christians invented music? that's just fucking hilarious. please, please, please get your head out of your butthole and think about what you're saying. i wholeheartedly endorse your need for religion. just like how any other mentally ill person needs their medication. but just take a look around once in awhile and notice how full of shit you are. i do it, so why can't you?

JR

Anonymous Pussy said...
Lame. I liked the Spoon offering till I heard you like it.

Sometimes having the sorryist champion is enough to turn you off...kind of like when Jimmy Carter started talking up Howard Dean.

And I said:
the fact that you'd care so much about what i think makes me all warm inside.

why on earth would you be reading what i wrote if you were such a non-fan? it's because people like you claim to not like something or someone, yet always come back to see what they're up to. you can't stay away!

total fucking hypocrite. when i don't like something, i don't bother with it. that's what it means to not like something. you don't have anything more to do with it.

but you have to keep feeding your ego don't you? sending anonymous comments to your hero....do us all a favor, either admit your love (i'm cool with that) or just go the fuck away.

JR

The Worst People in America

2006-01-26T11:38:00.000-07:00

Simply put, this is the most honest and accurate depiction of the psychotic, deluded and self-righteous assholes who are running the US right now. Enjoy.

http://buffalobeast.com/91/50.htm

Let's Trade Dick Cheney for Jill Carroll

2006-01-24T14:59:00.000-07:00

Why does Jill Carroll matter more than anyone else who has been kidnapped in Iraq?
Everyone is up arms over the kidnapping of the Christian Science Monitor freelance journalist and I can’t for the life of me figure out why.

Carroll is no more important than anyone else nabbed by Iraqi insurgents, so why is there such a concentrated effort to free her? No one put this much work into freeing the poor saps who had their heads cut off before her, so I fail to see why she is so important.

Carroll’s family had pleaded with her captors to let her go because she was telling the the story of the suffering of the Iraqi people. Fair enough. If more people cut through the Fox News bullshit, your average SUV driving asshole might be a bit more reluctant to blindly support the war. But the insurgents can’t pick and choose. One person can’t be deemed good in this mess while others are deemed “less good.”

It would be a horrible tragedy if this young woman ends up dead, but isn’t it a horrible tragedy when anyone ends up dead over there? The bad guys never get what’s coming to them. In a situation like this, only the relatively innocent will get harmed. If Dick Cheney was kidnapped, they would have grabbed themselves someone who has actually impacted their lives in a negative way. They would have gotten their man. And how fast do you think their demands would be met if ol’ Dick was paraded around on a crappy video tape for the world to see. In a damn heartbeat. Hell, I’d say trade Dick Cheney for Jill Carroll. Would too many people really care? If the nation could vote on it, Dick would be on the first plane to Baghdad, looking like Donald Pleasence from Escape From New York. Abu Musab al-Zarqawi will play the Duke of New York. When Cheney’s handed over and Carroll is released, the country will cheer like they were watching a video tape of Omarosa getting hit by a car.

No, only the people who are doing the right thing or the folks just following orders get caught up in this mess. That’s why it’s tragic. But these monsters can’t suddenly grow a conscience and let this woman go because she’s “one of the good ones.” Because of the fact that we live in America and our tax dollars and Wal Mart purchases are going toward the war effort in Iraq makes us vulnerable to anything those bastards can dish out. You, me and Jill Carroll are all a part of it.

This is eerily similar to the story of Natalee Hollway who disappeared in Aruba. While dozens of women go missing all the time, once a pretty blonde disappeared, all hell broke loose. Why was she any different than a less pretty girl or, a black girl, who goes missing? She’s not, but when the situation affects the right people and the media yanks on the heart strings like Jenna Jameson jacking off two hot, horny studs, suddenly something must be done.

I hope Jill Carroll comes home safe. It seems like she was trying to do the right thing in Iraq, but the right thing and the wrong thing pretty much run together during a war. You can’t expect violent extremists to make the distinction, just like you can’t expect the Bush Administration to admit its failure with the whole fucked up war.

The US won’t negotiate with these people and that’s to be expected. She’ll probably end up dead, if she isn’t already. And if she comes out alive, that would be great. But if and when she ends up dead, I think the girl’s parents should ask Dick Cheney if he gives a shit. “Are they stockholders of Halliburton?” he’ll ask. “They’re not? Well, then I don’t really give a shit.”

You’re the Duke of Baghdad DICK. You’re an ‘A’ Number One A-hole.

JR