I just passed a gas station on Colorado Blvd. here in Denver and regular unleaded was a mere $2.07 a gallon. That's the lowest it has been in so long, I can't even remember the last time I saw it that cheap.
The gas station that I filled up at earlier today (at $2.13 a gallon) is now $2.11 a gallon. Literally four hours later and the same station dropped its price by two cents.
Not boggling your scrotum? Well, if not you probably don't drive because two cents, combined with the close to 70 cent drop in gas prices in the last two months should give everyone who drives cause for celebration.
It actually caused me physical and mental pain to fill up my car over the summer. Partly because it was so fucking expensive and mainly because I knew the ridiculously exorbitant (extortive?) prices were going right into the pocket of all of Bush's buddies. Arabs and fat white dudes alike, all Bush allies, were reveling in the outrageous gas prices we all paid with a whimper. There's no denying it: Bush and crew took us to the cleaners and we took it with an uneasy smile.
So what do I really wish for? I wish every day could be a time when Republicans are facing reelection where voters are pissed. That's the only reason gas prices have dropped like they have. They've gouged just about all they could out of us and now faced with getting their asses thrown out of office, someone flipped the switch to bring prices down.
I'm imagining a Price Is Right kind of game in the Oval Office where a little card board cut out a Saudi scales a glittery oil derrick signifying rising gas prices set to humorous carnival music. Once he got so high he almost fell off the top, "W" pushed a big red button and the little guy went back down the derrick; Cheney, Rumpsfeld and Bush all looked at each other lovingly and agreed, "it was fun while it lasted."
If only every day was election time.
JR
Friday, October 20, 2006
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
The Killers: Sam’s Town: a casino I would never go to: an album I’m glad I didn’t buy
I was just going to simply write a review of The Killers new album Sam’s Town but I was so moved by its mediocrity and the constant stream of bullshit coming out of the front man’s mouth that I had to go the extra mile. And you should know by now, that extra mile is long and hard like Madonna’s penis.
I absolutely loved The Killers debut Hot Fuss. It’s a modern day pop classic. And despite the fact the The O.C./MTV set got their nasty little fingers all over it, it stands up as a fantastic record. So I was thrilled when I had word that the band was working hard on their second album.
But then tidbits of info came dribbling in that had me concerned. First, Bono was giving The Killers advice and then singer Waylon Flowers started to open his big ugly mouth. Flowers was quoted as saying that the album they were working on (which would become Sam’s Town) was “one the best albums of the past 20 years.” When I read that, I just about shit my pants. You never say something like that and even if you truly believe it, you wait until a few more people agree with you before claiming it and looking like the fucking ego maniac you are.
Flowers couldn’t stop there. He publicly feuded with bands that were far beneath his. He made grand claims about how The Killers were better than Fall Out Boy and some other shit eaters like The Bravery. Seriously, do you have to open your mouth and claim you’re better than Fall Out Boy? That’s like stopping your car and getting out at an intersection to yell at a homeless guy about how you’ve got a job and you washed your ass today. It’s pointless. The Killers MADE one of the best records to come in the last 10 years in Hot Fuss, so why be concerned with bands (Fall Out Boy and The Bravery) that no one will remember in another 10? It all just reeks of insecurity and a fading belief that Flowers himself has talent.
Or maybe he knew Sam’s Town was going to be the stinker that it is?
He made up with Fall Out Boy rapidly before the album came out. Maybe he needed to circle his wagons to maintain maximum support for this dubious release. He kept his mouth shut…until after it was released.
The album itself isn’t a complete waste. It’s not the career killer that other heavily hyped freshman has crapped out in their sophomore effort. But it is disappointing. I again was tipped off that something wasn’t right when I heard the first single “When You Were Young.” It’s not bad but as far as the first single from the “best album in 20 years” goes, it really falters.
I didn’t pay for this album as I mentioned in the title of the post because my friend Eric (who gave me a copy of the first album) had downloaded it when it came out. He gave me a copy and I proceeded to play it non stop. After two listens, I wondered if Eric had downloaded it correctly. The song order seems horribly out of whack and I went back and checked what the correct order was online and found out that Eric had done it right. Listening to Sam’s Town, it sounds like whoever chose the track listing was either incredibly high or incredibly high on himself: looking at you Waylon Flowers.
(Note: I know his name is Brandon Flowers but I prefer to call him the gay ventriloquist whose puppet was that creepy old lady named Madame….come to think of it, I think this douche should go solo, buy the puppet from the Waylon Flowers estate and call himself Brandon Flowers and Madame. Couldn’t hurt at this point.)
Since Flowers is a Mormon, something he lets everyone within earshot know, I don’t think he was high; so I have to think he’s incredibly high on himself. If he was the one who put these tracks together, he deserves all the shit. The way this album plays is like a mixed tape put together by a deaf crack whore. It simply does not work.
There are some good tracks on here, and The Killers have come up with moments where they seem to be getting it in gear, but it’s done in by the unfortunate track sequencing and some bland songwriting…more on the shoulders of Flowers.
So the album comes out and Flowers starts to open his mouth again. He’s complaining about Green Day and their American Idiot DVD that was filmed in Britain. I think any artist that goes to another country to sell their anti-Bush sentiment is pretty cowardly. The Dixie Chicks knew they couldn’t go on stage in Texas and call Bush out, so they went to England and dissed him. Yeah, pretty radical ladies. The bulk of Europe hates Bush so you figured you had a receptive audience. That wouldn’t play here and if you did do that in America, you could have kissed your careers goodbye. The only thing that has kept them around is that they said it in another country. To me it’s completely cowardly. I love what they said, but saying it in England is like taunting someone when you’ve got three people keeping you separated. It’s just wussy.
So Green Day filmed their American Idiot DVD in England, and Flowers got all upset because he believed it was un-American because the reaction of the audience to the lyrics. First of all, I don’t need Waylon Flowers talking to me about patriotism. He should get back in the studio and make up for “the best album of the past 20 years” instead of lecturing me about being an American. Second, I would reckon that Green Day would get that reaction from their audience no matter where they played. This isn’t the Dixie Chicks who completely sold out their fan base by what they said. No, Green Day’s fans, no matter where they live, are probably down with a little anti-Bush sentiment. The fact still remains that The Killers front man is commenting on this and someone is writing it down. I’m reading it and wondering how I could be better spending my time.
It really goes without saying that this mother fucker should keep his goddamn mouth shut. I think you earn the right to talk shit and this guy has not earned anything with the release of Sam’s Town. It seems that he kept his mouth moving before it was released, then shut up for awhile as it was being released. He realized he put out a sub par second album and then decided to cover this fact up by flapping his lips again. I pay (or not I guess) to hear what this fuck head has to say on his album, not while he’s contemplating the obvious about how much Panic at the Disco sucks. If he spent half the energy he used to blow farts out of his mouth and put that into making Sam’s Town, his ridiculous grand standing might not even be an issue. When people talk shit in our society AND they deliver, we never say a word against them. It’s when they puff themselves up and deliver like a drunken 50 year old without his Viagra that we publicly flay them and refuse to buy anything they’re selling.
I think a lot people probably bought Sam’s Town thinking it was going to deliver but slowly realized (as they scanned the receipt seeing if they could return it) that it’s a lot of hot air propped up by hype and one man’s delusion that it’s the “best of the past 20 years” (I love typing that).
History should prove that Sam’s Town didn’t deliver the promise of the band’s front man. And that front man may end up being about as hollow as the puppet he will eventually call his partner when he inevitably goes solo. Thanks for fucking us in the ass and taking our money (or not).
JR
I absolutely loved The Killers debut Hot Fuss. It’s a modern day pop classic. And despite the fact the The O.C./MTV set got their nasty little fingers all over it, it stands up as a fantastic record. So I was thrilled when I had word that the band was working hard on their second album.
But then tidbits of info came dribbling in that had me concerned. First, Bono was giving The Killers advice and then singer Waylon Flowers started to open his big ugly mouth. Flowers was quoted as saying that the album they were working on (which would become Sam’s Town) was “one the best albums of the past 20 years.” When I read that, I just about shit my pants. You never say something like that and even if you truly believe it, you wait until a few more people agree with you before claiming it and looking like the fucking ego maniac you are.
Flowers couldn’t stop there. He publicly feuded with bands that were far beneath his. He made grand claims about how The Killers were better than Fall Out Boy and some other shit eaters like The Bravery. Seriously, do you have to open your mouth and claim you’re better than Fall Out Boy? That’s like stopping your car and getting out at an intersection to yell at a homeless guy about how you’ve got a job and you washed your ass today. It’s pointless. The Killers MADE one of the best records to come in the last 10 years in Hot Fuss, so why be concerned with bands (Fall Out Boy and The Bravery) that no one will remember in another 10? It all just reeks of insecurity and a fading belief that Flowers himself has talent.
Or maybe he knew Sam’s Town was going to be the stinker that it is?
He made up with Fall Out Boy rapidly before the album came out. Maybe he needed to circle his wagons to maintain maximum support for this dubious release. He kept his mouth shut…until after it was released.
The album itself isn’t a complete waste. It’s not the career killer that other heavily hyped freshman has crapped out in their sophomore effort. But it is disappointing. I again was tipped off that something wasn’t right when I heard the first single “When You Were Young.” It’s not bad but as far as the first single from the “best album in 20 years” goes, it really falters.
I didn’t pay for this album as I mentioned in the title of the post because my friend Eric (who gave me a copy of the first album) had downloaded it when it came out. He gave me a copy and I proceeded to play it non stop. After two listens, I wondered if Eric had downloaded it correctly. The song order seems horribly out of whack and I went back and checked what the correct order was online and found out that Eric had done it right. Listening to Sam’s Town, it sounds like whoever chose the track listing was either incredibly high or incredibly high on himself: looking at you Waylon Flowers.
(Note: I know his name is Brandon Flowers but I prefer to call him the gay ventriloquist whose puppet was that creepy old lady named Madame….come to think of it, I think this douche should go solo, buy the puppet from the Waylon Flowers estate and call himself Brandon Flowers and Madame. Couldn’t hurt at this point.)
Since Flowers is a Mormon, something he lets everyone within earshot know, I don’t think he was high; so I have to think he’s incredibly high on himself. If he was the one who put these tracks together, he deserves all the shit. The way this album plays is like a mixed tape put together by a deaf crack whore. It simply does not work.
There are some good tracks on here, and The Killers have come up with moments where they seem to be getting it in gear, but it’s done in by the unfortunate track sequencing and some bland songwriting…more on the shoulders of Flowers.
So the album comes out and Flowers starts to open his mouth again. He’s complaining about Green Day and their American Idiot DVD that was filmed in Britain. I think any artist that goes to another country to sell their anti-Bush sentiment is pretty cowardly. The Dixie Chicks knew they couldn’t go on stage in Texas and call Bush out, so they went to England and dissed him. Yeah, pretty radical ladies. The bulk of Europe hates Bush so you figured you had a receptive audience. That wouldn’t play here and if you did do that in America, you could have kissed your careers goodbye. The only thing that has kept them around is that they said it in another country. To me it’s completely cowardly. I love what they said, but saying it in England is like taunting someone when you’ve got three people keeping you separated. It’s just wussy.
So Green Day filmed their American Idiot DVD in England, and Flowers got all upset because he believed it was un-American because the reaction of the audience to the lyrics. First of all, I don’t need Waylon Flowers talking to me about patriotism. He should get back in the studio and make up for “the best album of the past 20 years” instead of lecturing me about being an American. Second, I would reckon that Green Day would get that reaction from their audience no matter where they played. This isn’t the Dixie Chicks who completely sold out their fan base by what they said. No, Green Day’s fans, no matter where they live, are probably down with a little anti-Bush sentiment. The fact still remains that The Killers front man is commenting on this and someone is writing it down. I’m reading it and wondering how I could be better spending my time.
It really goes without saying that this mother fucker should keep his goddamn mouth shut. I think you earn the right to talk shit and this guy has not earned anything with the release of Sam’s Town. It seems that he kept his mouth moving before it was released, then shut up for awhile as it was being released. He realized he put out a sub par second album and then decided to cover this fact up by flapping his lips again. I pay (or not I guess) to hear what this fuck head has to say on his album, not while he’s contemplating the obvious about how much Panic at the Disco sucks. If he spent half the energy he used to blow farts out of his mouth and put that into making Sam’s Town, his ridiculous grand standing might not even be an issue. When people talk shit in our society AND they deliver, we never say a word against them. It’s when they puff themselves up and deliver like a drunken 50 year old without his Viagra that we publicly flay them and refuse to buy anything they’re selling.
I think a lot people probably bought Sam’s Town thinking it was going to deliver but slowly realized (as they scanned the receipt seeing if they could return it) that it’s a lot of hot air propped up by hype and one man’s delusion that it’s the “best of the past 20 years” (I love typing that).
History should prove that Sam’s Town didn’t deliver the promise of the band’s front man. And that front man may end up being about as hollow as the puppet he will eventually call his partner when he inevitably goes solo. Thanks for fucking us in the ass and taking our money (or not).
JR
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Republicans: Self-Loathing Sword Swallowers? Or Hypocritical Homosexuals?
You know, for a group of people who try so hard to ban gay marriage and obliterate any last remnant of fabulousness in our gay friends, the Republicans sure do have a lot of homos in their ranks.
It’s been said that a true marker of denial of oneself is the person who is so opposed to something it borders on the obsessive. Republicans are obsessed with the gay folk, yet they do everything in their power to stomp them out like a cigarette in Boulder (in Denver???).
But are they really as opposed to gayness as they appear to be? Something tells me that right wing closet is full and I ain’t talking about being packed with nice clothes and kickbacks.
Take House Representative Mark Foley for example. Here’s a guy who pushes the Republican agenda every day. Stands firm when gay marriage is called an abomination to God by his fellow right wingers, and casually votes for legislation that denies people their human rights because some religiously mentally ill asshole can’t fathom why two dudes would want to touch each other down there and then go buy new drapes.
The problem here is simple: Mark Foley is gay himself. He’s the jerk off that got busted for soliciting sex from teen male pages in Washington. He was caught red handed sending suggestive (as in ‘I want to pork you soon’) IM’s to one of the teens and now the Republicans are scrambling because once again, it shows us just what cocksuckers (not the good kind) they are.
Once this all came out, Foley suddenly had an alcohol problem and was being treated for that and mental illness. Now normally I’d be outraged at the mental illness claim because saying someone who is gay has a mental illness is just bullshit. But Foley was co-chairman of the Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus and that to me just stinks of not only evil, but crazy as well. If anyone would know something about how to exploit a child, it would be this creep. Maybe he is crazy. This would be like finding out that John Mark Karr was the janitor over at the local KinderKare. Regardless, they had to make it look like this guy had a problem. It’s the alcoholism that I don’t buy.
I think Republican leaders like Dennis Hastert needed something else to blame other than Foley’s unholy thirst for boy butt. So he chose alcohol. If this guy was doing this stone cold sober, who in their right mind would have any mercy on these jerks when the elections roll around next month? Certainly the bible beaters who routinely vote these assholes in would need to think that alcohol (along with Satan) was what made this guy do these things and not that he was just a sick fuck like all the rest of his cronies. Maybe they would need alcohol themselves just to get to the voting booth. Maybe they need some alcohol to cope with all the young men they’ve sent to their deaths in the asshole of the world too.
One funny thing about this is Foley has been replaced on the ballot in Florida (Amazing! He’s from Florida!) by another Republican candidate, but Foley’s name will stay on the ballot. So to vote for the new guy, you have to vote for the gay child molester. Good luck.
So of course the Republicans have circled the wagons. Hastert (who looks like a big, fat child molester himself) has said that Foley’s actions were “vile” and that he “deceived” his colleagues. Sure. Like you didn’t know this guy was gay. I’m sure all of the gay Republicans are on file somewhere and their microchip sends a signal if they walk into one of several DC gay bars. This just reeks of a way to assure their voting base that they don’t put up with these faggoty-antics. But they do put up with these faggoty-antics, because in the real world there are gay people. To the people who vote for them however, they don’t exist, so people like Hastert have to make good so he can keep his job.
So this begs the question: Are the Republicans total and complete fucking hypocrites for allowing a gay person in their ranks when they’ve promised their base they will do everything in their power to snuff them out? Or are they being dishonest to the people who voted them in by letting gay Republicans go hog wild like Mario Cantone backstage at and especially oily performance of “Thunda From Down Unda?”
The Republican party did make a lot of promises regarding the gayer sex. They promised to ban gay marriage because, well, some 2,000 year old book may or may not have said anything about it. They subsequently won’t listen to anything regarding gay adoption because, well, there just aren’t any unwanted kids anymore. I proposed a compromise to Republicans a couple of years ago, but they didn’t bite. It went like this: I’ll let you ban abortions if you let gay couples adopt. That way all of these unwanted babies who will eventually turn into society’s problem will have a loving home to go to that will be tastefully decorated. I’m kidding really. I would never grant them that wish and I think most gay guys would be happy not to adopt if that was the alternative.
You can see the problem the right wing is faced with here. They made a lot of crazy promises about the gays, but it seems that their party is absolutely rife with them. You’d think they’d have a little more style but they don’t. I’m sure they tell their Republican Gays to “tone the gay down by 100% when you’re not trolling for teenage boy on the internet.” The president can’t understand it; why harass young boys when there are so many women to assault?
The Democrats are complete pud-pullers. You’ll never hear me argue that they are better than the fuckwad Republicans. But at least they pretend to like the gays and let them roam free through the halls in Washington. It’s ironic that the Dems are painted as allowing “deviant lifestyles” when really they just let their gay folk be themselves. It’s the Republicans who are fostering the “deviant lifestyles” because let’s face it, I don’t care who you are or what sexual orientation you happen to be, trolling for teenagers is just plain wrong.
There are countless people out there who will let you stick any number of things up whatever orifice you choose and they just happen to be adults. If you gotta go for the teenagers and the kids, you got a serious fucking problem; one of which may or may not be alcohol.
The Republicans sell you “anti-gay” but let gay guys do whatever they want to their interns. What else have they sold us they are not following through with? If you believe that “No Child Left Behind” means that Mark Foley is going to watch out for the kids, I’ve got some real estate in Fallujah I’d like to sell you.
JR
It’s been said that a true marker of denial of oneself is the person who is so opposed to something it borders on the obsessive. Republicans are obsessed with the gay folk, yet they do everything in their power to stomp them out like a cigarette in Boulder (in Denver???).
But are they really as opposed to gayness as they appear to be? Something tells me that right wing closet is full and I ain’t talking about being packed with nice clothes and kickbacks.
Take House Representative Mark Foley for example. Here’s a guy who pushes the Republican agenda every day. Stands firm when gay marriage is called an abomination to God by his fellow right wingers, and casually votes for legislation that denies people their human rights because some religiously mentally ill asshole can’t fathom why two dudes would want to touch each other down there and then go buy new drapes.
The problem here is simple: Mark Foley is gay himself. He’s the jerk off that got busted for soliciting sex from teen male pages in Washington. He was caught red handed sending suggestive (as in ‘I want to pork you soon’) IM’s to one of the teens and now the Republicans are scrambling because once again, it shows us just what cocksuckers (not the good kind) they are.
Once this all came out, Foley suddenly had an alcohol problem and was being treated for that and mental illness. Now normally I’d be outraged at the mental illness claim because saying someone who is gay has a mental illness is just bullshit. But Foley was co-chairman of the Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus and that to me just stinks of not only evil, but crazy as well. If anyone would know something about how to exploit a child, it would be this creep. Maybe he is crazy. This would be like finding out that John Mark Karr was the janitor over at the local KinderKare. Regardless, they had to make it look like this guy had a problem. It’s the alcoholism that I don’t buy.
I think Republican leaders like Dennis Hastert needed something else to blame other than Foley’s unholy thirst for boy butt. So he chose alcohol. If this guy was doing this stone cold sober, who in their right mind would have any mercy on these jerks when the elections roll around next month? Certainly the bible beaters who routinely vote these assholes in would need to think that alcohol (along with Satan) was what made this guy do these things and not that he was just a sick fuck like all the rest of his cronies. Maybe they would need alcohol themselves just to get to the voting booth. Maybe they need some alcohol to cope with all the young men they’ve sent to their deaths in the asshole of the world too.
One funny thing about this is Foley has been replaced on the ballot in Florida (Amazing! He’s from Florida!) by another Republican candidate, but Foley’s name will stay on the ballot. So to vote for the new guy, you have to vote for the gay child molester. Good luck.
So of course the Republicans have circled the wagons. Hastert (who looks like a big, fat child molester himself) has said that Foley’s actions were “vile” and that he “deceived” his colleagues. Sure. Like you didn’t know this guy was gay. I’m sure all of the gay Republicans are on file somewhere and their microchip sends a signal if they walk into one of several DC gay bars. This just reeks of a way to assure their voting base that they don’t put up with these faggoty-antics. But they do put up with these faggoty-antics, because in the real world there are gay people. To the people who vote for them however, they don’t exist, so people like Hastert have to make good so he can keep his job.
So this begs the question: Are the Republicans total and complete fucking hypocrites for allowing a gay person in their ranks when they’ve promised their base they will do everything in their power to snuff them out? Or are they being dishonest to the people who voted them in by letting gay Republicans go hog wild like Mario Cantone backstage at and especially oily performance of “Thunda From Down Unda?”
The Republican party did make a lot of promises regarding the gayer sex. They promised to ban gay marriage because, well, some 2,000 year old book may or may not have said anything about it. They subsequently won’t listen to anything regarding gay adoption because, well, there just aren’t any unwanted kids anymore. I proposed a compromise to Republicans a couple of years ago, but they didn’t bite. It went like this: I’ll let you ban abortions if you let gay couples adopt. That way all of these unwanted babies who will eventually turn into society’s problem will have a loving home to go to that will be tastefully decorated. I’m kidding really. I would never grant them that wish and I think most gay guys would be happy not to adopt if that was the alternative.
You can see the problem the right wing is faced with here. They made a lot of crazy promises about the gays, but it seems that their party is absolutely rife with them. You’d think they’d have a little more style but they don’t. I’m sure they tell their Republican Gays to “tone the gay down by 100% when you’re not trolling for teenage boy on the internet.” The president can’t understand it; why harass young boys when there are so many women to assault?
The Democrats are complete pud-pullers. You’ll never hear me argue that they are better than the fuckwad Republicans. But at least they pretend to like the gays and let them roam free through the halls in Washington. It’s ironic that the Dems are painted as allowing “deviant lifestyles” when really they just let their gay folk be themselves. It’s the Republicans who are fostering the “deviant lifestyles” because let’s face it, I don’t care who you are or what sexual orientation you happen to be, trolling for teenagers is just plain wrong.
There are countless people out there who will let you stick any number of things up whatever orifice you choose and they just happen to be adults. If you gotta go for the teenagers and the kids, you got a serious fucking problem; one of which may or may not be alcohol.
The Republicans sell you “anti-gay” but let gay guys do whatever they want to their interns. What else have they sold us they are not following through with? If you believe that “No Child Left Behind” means that Mark Foley is going to watch out for the kids, I’ve got some real estate in Fallujah I’d like to sell you.
JR
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
I don't want anything to do with bringing SEXYBACK
Why in the world does anyone give two shits about Justin Timberlake? Have we as a nation forgotten that this is the same whiny asshole from N’Stync? Have we forgotten that this guy just flat out sucks? Well let me refresh your memory.
Justin Timberlake is the classic, “I’m a lame-ass but for some reason everyone has forgotten that bit of information” guy. He’s the dude who slipped in to the hot Hollywood party when he wasn’t invited to. He’s the guy who got free tickets to the football game on the 50, but doesn’t really like football. He’s the person, as hard working Americans, we are supposed to loathe. The only difference between him and Kevin Federline is that Timberlake actually gets up there and earns his money. But he earns it because dumb fucks all across this great country are throwing it at him.
I don’t listen to a lot of pop radio, but typically, if there’s a song that’s hot, you will hear it eventually. Those kinds of songs, even if they suck, will somehow make it to your earhole, even while you’re avoiding it like a Robin Williams movie.
I never heard any of the so-called “hits” off of Timberlake’s first solo album (solo from N’Stync remember) Justified. Not once did I even get one note of “Cry Me A River” or whatever clownish dance pop he cooked up with the help of very capable studio gurus. And what that says to me is that it wasn’t very good. Sure it might have sold a lot of records, but for the simple fact that I never heard a note makes me think it couldn’t have been as good as everyone said it was. And just so we’re clear, I’m stoked that I didn’t hear any of it. I’m as stoked as an anti-abortion activist, tightly binding his balls with an extension cord while watching violent porn. That stoked.
So I get back to the question at hand: why is Justin Timberlake not only popular, but relevant as well? For one, he’s white. And in this day and age of the hip hop star, record companies, media outlets and white people with money who are tired of the “thug” image, want a fresh faced white guy to succeed. Sure, Justin just rips off black music to achieve his aim, but he’s white nonetheless.
I’ll concede that he’s talented; he can sing and apparently he can dance up a storm, but he’s being propped up for the simple fact that people in the music business feel the need for a “great white hope,” which is a racist tag anyway.
All of the other white guys involved with popular music are not playing R+B based tunes. They are your Fall Out Boys and Panic at the Discos that, wholeheartedly suck, but won’t get near the kind of record sales that ol’ Justin will do. The aforementioned bands, spend way more on hair cuts and hair product than what it takes to make their actual music, so the profits are slim at best. Timberlake has curly hair so that could be how he’s managed to stay afloat in this mostly African-American pop music scene.
Timberdick bridges the gap between pop and R+B and he doesn’t look like he’ll steal your car while doing it. Parents eat this up and this directly affects how many more records he will sell.
If the music he makes didn’t fully suck dead hobo ass, I’d give him his due. But from what I’ve seen, if the music was any good, combined with how popular he appears to be, it would be playing out of every speaker for miles around. They would install speakers in every dead soldier’s coffin coming back from Iraq and blast his music because it’s just that damn good. But alas, I will probably never hear it. That in of itself is a good thing, but I can’t help but think the American public has, yet again, been duped into liking something that couldn’t stand up on its own without the aid of a good looking white kid who can dance well enough that you forget how shitty the music is.
I don’t know where SEXY went in the first place, but is JT really bringing SEXYBACK if no one actually hears it? I think Mr. Timberlake had better keep cashing every check thrown his way because it can’t go on like this forever. But then again, Guns N Roses has been promising Chinese Democracy since the late 70’s and no one has pulled the plug on that ridiculous freak show. Come to think of it, Axl Rose has those bad corn rows, so maybe there is a correlation to white guys with their shitty faux black guy hair and longevity in the music business. Something to ponder. Somewhere JC Chasez is quietly contemplating having a plastic surgeon make him look like Flavor Flav.
Here’s some actual good music I’ve been listening to:
Been listening to some pretty good tunes lately. But before I get to that I want to remind everyone that I usually get my stuff from the library these days, so calling the music “new” isn’t very accurate. I’m sure for some of you some of this is old news, so let’s just dispense with posts regarding how out of touch I am. I know how out of touch I am.
The first thing that blew my ass away is the Wolfmother album. Man that record rules. It’s like a 70’s rock masterpiece that could take a turn into the ridiculous ala the Darkness, but never does because the jams are just that sweet. I would imagine this would be the album Sabbath would make today if they were young and full of cocaine.
And while I’m in the metal mood, the new Slayer is also worth your time. Christ Illusion rejoins Slayer with its original drummer and the results are fantastic. I really enjoyed the last Slayer album, and this is about as good, but the drumming stands out immediately. I don’t know if it’s a more “organic” sound, but that mother fucker hits the skins like no other. On one track (Catatonic), it sounds like he’s forging a plus 5 Broad sword from a furnace in Mordor. There are a couple of misfires, but for the most part, Christ Illusion rips.
The DJ Spooky/Trojan Records collection is very good as well. It’s two discs of reggae, ska and such, selected by DJ Spooky and it’s a pretty good throughout. Most times, collections like this don’t do it for me because I might have a lot of the stuff on here, but a good portion of this was stuff I don’t own so it was nice to have it in one place.
And speaking of reggae, awhile back I got the Max Romeo: Open the Iron Gate 1973-1977 album which is just phenomenal. Romeo’s got a great voice and the reggae is simple and stoney. A couple of songs have “versions” tacked on to the ends of the regular track, which is cool. I played this thing to death a couple weeks ago.
One record I cannot understand why is so popular is the Gnarls Barkley bullshit the media beat us over the head with for the last couple of months. Oh it was popular in England, but that doesn’t mean shit. The British, although purveyors of very fine music, can also get behind a turd if someone told them it smelled good enough. They like some shit over there (just like us I guess) and Gnarls Barkley is some bona fide shit. I got this from the library, put it on my ipod and started to mow the lawn while listening to the first couple of tracks. I was bored silly by the first song so I fast forwarded to the big hit “Crazy.” Well call me crazy, but “Crazy” sucks. It’s kind of catchy but overall just a bland pop song that I can imagine might be alright if you’re hanging out by the pool, but did it really deserve the hype that it got? No. Once I got to the cover of the Violent Femmes song “Gone Daddy Gone,” I turned it off. Absolute crap….but that’s the English way!
Been listening to the latest Neil Young album, Living With War. I’m a pretty big Neil fan so I’m pretty open to everything he does. Living With War is pretty good even if you leave out the anti-war/Bush message that pervades it. But I’m really glad he made this record because no one else did. Some of the songs delve into the goofy because he’s trying to get a point across by mentioning certain things Bush has done. For instance, in “Let’s Impeach the President,” which is kind of a fall anthem for me, Neil starts talking about Bush cracking down on steroids, “after he sold his own baseball team.” As a lyric, it doesn’t really work, but as anti-Bush tidbit, it’s great. The album has an anti-war, anti-Bush bent throughout but it works well as a Neil Young album and it’s been playing in my head for the last couple of weeks.
That’s about it for now, feel free to let me know about any music you might think I’d like. No Sufjan Stevens please.
JR
Justin Timberlake is the classic, “I’m a lame-ass but for some reason everyone has forgotten that bit of information” guy. He’s the dude who slipped in to the hot Hollywood party when he wasn’t invited to. He’s the guy who got free tickets to the football game on the 50, but doesn’t really like football. He’s the person, as hard working Americans, we are supposed to loathe. The only difference between him and Kevin Federline is that Timberlake actually gets up there and earns his money. But he earns it because dumb fucks all across this great country are throwing it at him.
I don’t listen to a lot of pop radio, but typically, if there’s a song that’s hot, you will hear it eventually. Those kinds of songs, even if they suck, will somehow make it to your earhole, even while you’re avoiding it like a Robin Williams movie.
I never heard any of the so-called “hits” off of Timberlake’s first solo album (solo from N’Stync remember) Justified. Not once did I even get one note of “Cry Me A River” or whatever clownish dance pop he cooked up with the help of very capable studio gurus. And what that says to me is that it wasn’t very good. Sure it might have sold a lot of records, but for the simple fact that I never heard a note makes me think it couldn’t have been as good as everyone said it was. And just so we’re clear, I’m stoked that I didn’t hear any of it. I’m as stoked as an anti-abortion activist, tightly binding his balls with an extension cord while watching violent porn. That stoked.
So I get back to the question at hand: why is Justin Timberlake not only popular, but relevant as well? For one, he’s white. And in this day and age of the hip hop star, record companies, media outlets and white people with money who are tired of the “thug” image, want a fresh faced white guy to succeed. Sure, Justin just rips off black music to achieve his aim, but he’s white nonetheless.
I’ll concede that he’s talented; he can sing and apparently he can dance up a storm, but he’s being propped up for the simple fact that people in the music business feel the need for a “great white hope,” which is a racist tag anyway.
All of the other white guys involved with popular music are not playing R+B based tunes. They are your Fall Out Boys and Panic at the Discos that, wholeheartedly suck, but won’t get near the kind of record sales that ol’ Justin will do. The aforementioned bands, spend way more on hair cuts and hair product than what it takes to make their actual music, so the profits are slim at best. Timberlake has curly hair so that could be how he’s managed to stay afloat in this mostly African-American pop music scene.
Timberdick bridges the gap between pop and R+B and he doesn’t look like he’ll steal your car while doing it. Parents eat this up and this directly affects how many more records he will sell.
If the music he makes didn’t fully suck dead hobo ass, I’d give him his due. But from what I’ve seen, if the music was any good, combined with how popular he appears to be, it would be playing out of every speaker for miles around. They would install speakers in every dead soldier’s coffin coming back from Iraq and blast his music because it’s just that damn good. But alas, I will probably never hear it. That in of itself is a good thing, but I can’t help but think the American public has, yet again, been duped into liking something that couldn’t stand up on its own without the aid of a good looking white kid who can dance well enough that you forget how shitty the music is.
I don’t know where SEXY went in the first place, but is JT really bringing SEXYBACK if no one actually hears it? I think Mr. Timberlake had better keep cashing every check thrown his way because it can’t go on like this forever. But then again, Guns N Roses has been promising Chinese Democracy since the late 70’s and no one has pulled the plug on that ridiculous freak show. Come to think of it, Axl Rose has those bad corn rows, so maybe there is a correlation to white guys with their shitty faux black guy hair and longevity in the music business. Something to ponder. Somewhere JC Chasez is quietly contemplating having a plastic surgeon make him look like Flavor Flav.
Here’s some actual good music I’ve been listening to:
Been listening to some pretty good tunes lately. But before I get to that I want to remind everyone that I usually get my stuff from the library these days, so calling the music “new” isn’t very accurate. I’m sure for some of you some of this is old news, so let’s just dispense with posts regarding how out of touch I am. I know how out of touch I am.
The first thing that blew my ass away is the Wolfmother album. Man that record rules. It’s like a 70’s rock masterpiece that could take a turn into the ridiculous ala the Darkness, but never does because the jams are just that sweet. I would imagine this would be the album Sabbath would make today if they were young and full of cocaine.
And while I’m in the metal mood, the new Slayer is also worth your time. Christ Illusion rejoins Slayer with its original drummer and the results are fantastic. I really enjoyed the last Slayer album, and this is about as good, but the drumming stands out immediately. I don’t know if it’s a more “organic” sound, but that mother fucker hits the skins like no other. On one track (Catatonic), it sounds like he’s forging a plus 5 Broad sword from a furnace in Mordor. There are a couple of misfires, but for the most part, Christ Illusion rips.
The DJ Spooky/Trojan Records collection is very good as well. It’s two discs of reggae, ska and such, selected by DJ Spooky and it’s a pretty good throughout. Most times, collections like this don’t do it for me because I might have a lot of the stuff on here, but a good portion of this was stuff I don’t own so it was nice to have it in one place.
And speaking of reggae, awhile back I got the Max Romeo: Open the Iron Gate 1973-1977 album which is just phenomenal. Romeo’s got a great voice and the reggae is simple and stoney. A couple of songs have “versions” tacked on to the ends of the regular track, which is cool. I played this thing to death a couple weeks ago.
One record I cannot understand why is so popular is the Gnarls Barkley bullshit the media beat us over the head with for the last couple of months. Oh it was popular in England, but that doesn’t mean shit. The British, although purveyors of very fine music, can also get behind a turd if someone told them it smelled good enough. They like some shit over there (just like us I guess) and Gnarls Barkley is some bona fide shit. I got this from the library, put it on my ipod and started to mow the lawn while listening to the first couple of tracks. I was bored silly by the first song so I fast forwarded to the big hit “Crazy.” Well call me crazy, but “Crazy” sucks. It’s kind of catchy but overall just a bland pop song that I can imagine might be alright if you’re hanging out by the pool, but did it really deserve the hype that it got? No. Once I got to the cover of the Violent Femmes song “Gone Daddy Gone,” I turned it off. Absolute crap….but that’s the English way!
Been listening to the latest Neil Young album, Living With War. I’m a pretty big Neil fan so I’m pretty open to everything he does. Living With War is pretty good even if you leave out the anti-war/Bush message that pervades it. But I’m really glad he made this record because no one else did. Some of the songs delve into the goofy because he’s trying to get a point across by mentioning certain things Bush has done. For instance, in “Let’s Impeach the President,” which is kind of a fall anthem for me, Neil starts talking about Bush cracking down on steroids, “after he sold his own baseball team.” As a lyric, it doesn’t really work, but as anti-Bush tidbit, it’s great. The album has an anti-war, anti-Bush bent throughout but it works well as a Neil Young album and it’s been playing in my head for the last couple of weeks.
That’s about it for now, feel free to let me know about any music you might think I’d like. No Sufjan Stevens please.
JR
Friday, September 15, 2006
Daniel Snyder: The Stink of Failure
If you don’t know who Daniel Snyder is, good for you. He’s a repellant, rich asshole who owns the Washington Redskins. As if the name of the team wasn’t racist and divisive enough, Snyder makes them ten times worse simply by who he is.
Snyder is the fat rich kid who everyone used to tease; the geekiest of the geeks even got to make themselves feel better by tormenting this sad sack of shit. But he’s rich and it’s the only reason anyone takes him seriously. There was a fat rich kid who used to hang around the skate shop I worked at in high school. He was just a dorky kid who everyone hated but his family owned a restaurant and the prospect of free food always kept me from letting some of the kid his age from beating him senseless. This kid was annoying and a social retard and I’m sure he’s 10 times more wealthy than I am right now, making people’s lives hell just because he can.
Well, that fat bastard is all growed up now and his name is Daniel Snyder. I don’t know where Snyder made his money, but he’s got a shit load of it. He bought the Redskins in 1999 because you know, like a spoiled little asshole, he had to have a football team. I have to come clean and say I hate the Redskins. I think their name is ugly and racist, it’s an east coast team of which its fans are arrogant and delusional and if you believe ESPN, everyone loves them. Well, not me.
My hatred for the Redskins grew when Snyder took the team over. His bloated face and open wallet just screamed “I want to buy myself a Super Bowl!” But it never happened. Not yet anyway, and thank god. Snyder has thrown more money at this losing team and has gotten nothing in return but quick playoff exits and better yet, no playoffs at all. The best thing I can say about the team is that the Broncos have shipped their malcontents to them and have received quality players in return. If you had to play for that dick, wouldn’t you be happier somewhere else? Anyone who can make Broncos owner Pat Bowlen look like Andy Griffith has got to be a serious dickhead.
Snyder’s blank checks are now the notorious stuff of legends in the NFL. He’s spent more and got less than pretty much every team in the league. And that suits me fine.
Now, here’s why you may have heard of Daniel Snyder: he’s the guy who snapped up Tom Cruise’s contract once Paramount dumped him like Flavor Flav dumps fat chicks. Once Cruise became available, Snyder jumped at the chance to have him on his roster…not the Redskins roster…they don’t have room for a 5’6” ego maniac who can’t play football…that role is already being played by Snyder.
Cruise signed a two year development deal with Snyder’s brilliantly named “First and Goal” company that will provide financing for future Cruise films. Cruise’s films haven’t been taking it in like they used to and Paramount, faced with dwindling tickets sales and the high cost of paying Tom, decided to pull the plug. The fact that the actor went on a career killing publicity rampage last year probably factored in as well.
So in comes D Snyder (no, not DEE Snyder, but I wish!) to save the day. And just like his football team, he over pays for an underperforming superstar because, a) he can and b) he’s an utter douchebag who really doesn’t understand sports, movies and apparently business in general. Like I said before, I’m not sure how or where he made his money before becoming owner of the Redskins, but it’s a fucking miracle he actually did based on what he’s done over the last 7 years.
And that’s why Tom should be worried. If Daniel Snyder has come calling it means two things, 1) you will get paid like a motherfucker and 2) you can forget about winning anything ever again. In Tom Cruise’s world this isn’t a good thing because he already has tons of money, yet craves the critical acclaim that has eluded him thus far. Academy Award Tom? Not a chance with Dan Snyder propping you up.
His movies will continue to make less and less because the bloom is now off his Xenuian Rose. Partly because of his off screen antics, but mainly because people now see him as that pretty face who can’t really act but is thrust upon us in large, extravagant films that couldn’t be bad if they spent all this money right? Right.
He’s the rich man’s Ben Affleck and now the movie going public is sick of him. Enter stage left Dan Snyder to run up and hit him in the face with a fist full of cash hoping some of it will stick and not wash down the drain just like his Redskins payroll for nearly the last decade.
Cruise and his baby’s momma Kate Cruise (some of you may remember her as the actress Katie Holmes) made an appearance at the latest wonderful Redskins defeat in Washington last week. There was Cruise, his fake smile looking more and more painful as he forced his lips into that trademark phony grin. His career is now over. It’s official and you can smell it. The Stink of Dan Snyder, the Stink of Failure is now the one thing Cruise’s Scientology won’t be able to “clear” away.
JR
Snyder is the fat rich kid who everyone used to tease; the geekiest of the geeks even got to make themselves feel better by tormenting this sad sack of shit. But he’s rich and it’s the only reason anyone takes him seriously. There was a fat rich kid who used to hang around the skate shop I worked at in high school. He was just a dorky kid who everyone hated but his family owned a restaurant and the prospect of free food always kept me from letting some of the kid his age from beating him senseless. This kid was annoying and a social retard and I’m sure he’s 10 times more wealthy than I am right now, making people’s lives hell just because he can.
Well, that fat bastard is all growed up now and his name is Daniel Snyder. I don’t know where Snyder made his money, but he’s got a shit load of it. He bought the Redskins in 1999 because you know, like a spoiled little asshole, he had to have a football team. I have to come clean and say I hate the Redskins. I think their name is ugly and racist, it’s an east coast team of which its fans are arrogant and delusional and if you believe ESPN, everyone loves them. Well, not me.
My hatred for the Redskins grew when Snyder took the team over. His bloated face and open wallet just screamed “I want to buy myself a Super Bowl!” But it never happened. Not yet anyway, and thank god. Snyder has thrown more money at this losing team and has gotten nothing in return but quick playoff exits and better yet, no playoffs at all. The best thing I can say about the team is that the Broncos have shipped their malcontents to them and have received quality players in return. If you had to play for that dick, wouldn’t you be happier somewhere else? Anyone who can make Broncos owner Pat Bowlen look like Andy Griffith has got to be a serious dickhead.
Snyder’s blank checks are now the notorious stuff of legends in the NFL. He’s spent more and got less than pretty much every team in the league. And that suits me fine.
Now, here’s why you may have heard of Daniel Snyder: he’s the guy who snapped up Tom Cruise’s contract once Paramount dumped him like Flavor Flav dumps fat chicks. Once Cruise became available, Snyder jumped at the chance to have him on his roster…not the Redskins roster…they don’t have room for a 5’6” ego maniac who can’t play football…that role is already being played by Snyder.
Cruise signed a two year development deal with Snyder’s brilliantly named “First and Goal” company that will provide financing for future Cruise films. Cruise’s films haven’t been taking it in like they used to and Paramount, faced with dwindling tickets sales and the high cost of paying Tom, decided to pull the plug. The fact that the actor went on a career killing publicity rampage last year probably factored in as well.
So in comes D Snyder (no, not DEE Snyder, but I wish!) to save the day. And just like his football team, he over pays for an underperforming superstar because, a) he can and b) he’s an utter douchebag who really doesn’t understand sports, movies and apparently business in general. Like I said before, I’m not sure how or where he made his money before becoming owner of the Redskins, but it’s a fucking miracle he actually did based on what he’s done over the last 7 years.
And that’s why Tom should be worried. If Daniel Snyder has come calling it means two things, 1) you will get paid like a motherfucker and 2) you can forget about winning anything ever again. In Tom Cruise’s world this isn’t a good thing because he already has tons of money, yet craves the critical acclaim that has eluded him thus far. Academy Award Tom? Not a chance with Dan Snyder propping you up.
His movies will continue to make less and less because the bloom is now off his Xenuian Rose. Partly because of his off screen antics, but mainly because people now see him as that pretty face who can’t really act but is thrust upon us in large, extravagant films that couldn’t be bad if they spent all this money right? Right.
He’s the rich man’s Ben Affleck and now the movie going public is sick of him. Enter stage left Dan Snyder to run up and hit him in the face with a fist full of cash hoping some of it will stick and not wash down the drain just like his Redskins payroll for nearly the last decade.
Cruise and his baby’s momma Kate Cruise (some of you may remember her as the actress Katie Holmes) made an appearance at the latest wonderful Redskins defeat in Washington last week. There was Cruise, his fake smile looking more and more painful as he forced his lips into that trademark phony grin. His career is now over. It’s official and you can smell it. The Stink of Dan Snyder, the Stink of Failure is now the one thing Cruise’s Scientology won’t be able to “clear” away.
JR
Monday, August 28, 2006
Karr Fraud
Yep, you guys called it, John Karr is a fraud. He won't be charged with Jon Benet's murder because the DNA didn't support him being there.
That poses two questions: 1) who did kill this girl and 2) why in the holy fuck would anyone admit to this crime knowing full well it wasn't going to pan out?
What's wrong with this guy? Well, obviously a lot because he was obsessed with Jon Benet, but why admit to the crime? Did he think he'd get a guided tour of the house and get to masturbate onto her pageant clothes?
Patsy is dead, so he wouldn't get to meet her...I just don't see the motivation here.
Oh, and one more thing, who the fuck has to pay for flying this creep from Thailand to Colorado? Somebody did, and it's probably me. If I find an extra .25 on my Excel Energy Bill for "transporting John Karr" (who ate prawns and drank fine French wine on the way over), I'm going not kill somebody and admit it as well.
JR
That poses two questions: 1) who did kill this girl and 2) why in the holy fuck would anyone admit to this crime knowing full well it wasn't going to pan out?
What's wrong with this guy? Well, obviously a lot because he was obsessed with Jon Benet, but why admit to the crime? Did he think he'd get a guided tour of the house and get to masturbate onto her pageant clothes?
Patsy is dead, so he wouldn't get to meet her...I just don't see the motivation here.
Oh, and one more thing, who the fuck has to pay for flying this creep from Thailand to Colorado? Somebody did, and it's probably me. If I find an extra .25 on my Excel Energy Bill for "transporting John Karr" (who ate prawns and drank fine French wine on the way over), I'm going not kill somebody and admit it as well.
JR
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
I guess I owe Patsy Ramsey an apology…anyone know how I can get a hold of her?
I was so sure those evil bastards the Ramsey’s had something to do with the death of their daughter Jon Benet. And I still do, but not like you think.
But with the recent admission by the fully fucking creepy dude with the skinny neck and big head that he killer her, we have to re-visit what we initially thought.
Nearly everyone here in Colorado figured the Ramsey’s had something to do with her death. The Ramsey’s were the O.J. Simpson of child murders and their attempt to find the “real killer” was met with disdain and disbelief. It was just too bizarre to be what was originally thought of as a straight forward kidnapping attempt. But that’s what it seems to be turning out to be as that fucking freak makes his way back to the states to face the music.
Most times when rich people get into a scrape, they get out of it due to their money and power. For some reason, the public didn’t like the Ramsey’s and no amount of cash was going to change that. Even with this guy claiming he killed Jon Benet “by accident,” I still hold the Ramsey’s partially responsible.
This poor little girl was dressed up like a fucking hooker. Seriously. What was she, six years old? That’s just obscene to dress a kid up like that. I don’t care who you are. The Ramsey’s are still a little to blame for this because they sexualized their child and put her out there, knowing full well the creeps and child molesters would be looking her way.
Ultimately this falls squarely on the shoulders of this scumbag who killed her. He’s the real bad guy here, but the parents should feel some heat too. And I guess they have.
I can’t imagine being accused of this. Having everyone drag your name through the mud, calling you all sorts of names and still when it’s all said and done, your kid’s still dead; it would just be too much to bear. I guess they suffered enough, but I still can’t shake the image of failed beauty queen Patsy Ramsey, dressing her child like a whore so she could live through her daughter’s success. Well, I guess she got the attention she wanted, just the wrong kind.
Pageant folk are sick fuckers. Almost (but not quite) as sick as the fucker who would obsess about a child like this. If this guy really did do this, he’s got a surprise waiting for him in jail. Well, maybe it’s not such a surprise. I’m sure he knows what happens to the likes of him in the joint. After someone kills him with a sharpened spoon, maybe he and Patsy can run the yearly pageant in Hell.
JR
But with the recent admission by the fully fucking creepy dude with the skinny neck and big head that he killer her, we have to re-visit what we initially thought.
Nearly everyone here in Colorado figured the Ramsey’s had something to do with her death. The Ramsey’s were the O.J. Simpson of child murders and their attempt to find the “real killer” was met with disdain and disbelief. It was just too bizarre to be what was originally thought of as a straight forward kidnapping attempt. But that’s what it seems to be turning out to be as that fucking freak makes his way back to the states to face the music.
Most times when rich people get into a scrape, they get out of it due to their money and power. For some reason, the public didn’t like the Ramsey’s and no amount of cash was going to change that. Even with this guy claiming he killed Jon Benet “by accident,” I still hold the Ramsey’s partially responsible.
This poor little girl was dressed up like a fucking hooker. Seriously. What was she, six years old? That’s just obscene to dress a kid up like that. I don’t care who you are. The Ramsey’s are still a little to blame for this because they sexualized their child and put her out there, knowing full well the creeps and child molesters would be looking her way.
Ultimately this falls squarely on the shoulders of this scumbag who killed her. He’s the real bad guy here, but the parents should feel some heat too. And I guess they have.
I can’t imagine being accused of this. Having everyone drag your name through the mud, calling you all sorts of names and still when it’s all said and done, your kid’s still dead; it would just be too much to bear. I guess they suffered enough, but I still can’t shake the image of failed beauty queen Patsy Ramsey, dressing her child like a whore so she could live through her daughter’s success. Well, I guess she got the attention she wanted, just the wrong kind.
Pageant folk are sick fuckers. Almost (but not quite) as sick as the fucker who would obsess about a child like this. If this guy really did do this, he’s got a surprise waiting for him in jail. Well, maybe it’s not such a surprise. I’m sure he knows what happens to the likes of him in the joint. After someone kills him with a sharpened spoon, maybe he and Patsy can run the yearly pageant in Hell.
JR
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Hummer Bummer
The newest hummer ads are shocking to me. Shocking in that they’ve finally just said, “fuck it. We know people who buy these are assholes, so why not just come out and say it.”
The ads are blatant stabs at getting to the mindless consumer; one who is so consumed with keeping up with the Jones’, that he or she will do anything and buy anything to feel better about their lonely, pathetic lives.
The first one I saw featured a woman at the playground with her kid. Another kid cuts in front of her child and the mother timidly says, “but Jimmy was next..” To which the mother of the rude child says, “too bad, now we are.” Or something to that effect.
The offended mom gets frustrated, grabs her kid out of the playground and heads immediately to a Hummer dealership to get even. She buys a huge, gas guzzling Hummer and feels great about herself as she drives away. The tagline “Get Your Girl On” is seen as this weak, boring woman has just purchased away any feelings of inadequacy she might have had on the playground. I mean after all, it’s easier just to buy something that can help you threaten people behind two tons of steel than actually standing up for yourself right? Right.
The second ad shows a guy, possibly a vegetarian, in the check out line at the grocery store. He’s buying tofu and veggies but the guy behind him is buying what looks like the rack of ribs that knocked over Fred Flintstone’s car at the end of every episode of the Flintstones. The veggie guy is embarrassed and darts out of the store to the Hummer dealership. After buying, he gets in his shitty ride and with the tagline of “Restore the Balance,” he bites into a carrot. Why a vegetarian would suddenly be moved by a huge animal carcass to race out and start paying $60 to fill his tank, I’ll never know.
The commercials are pretty straightforward. A person is not happy with their life and how things are going in it, so they buy something they don’t need and all is better. If you get pushed around by people, don’t assert yourself, go buy an SUV and assert yourself anonymously inside your vehicle. There’s nothing braver than an asshole that imposes their will on other drivers just by the sheer volume of the truck they’re driving.
I think this is brilliant advertising because it flies in the face of what people typically think about SUV’s. Sure, tons of people still drive them, and I’m know deep down they love them, but in public, everyone silently or not-so-silently agrees they are monstrosities. In my world, to drive a Hummer means you suck. You’re a weak minded fool who needs this hunk of junk to feel better about yourself. You suck and the only way you can feel better about yourself is buying one. This is awful behavior and apparently Hummer agrees…merrily.
Hummer has said, “screw it” and is giving people what they want. Instead of making up reasons to justify why they bought the car, the ad has gone straight for the heart and has portrayed its costumers as they are. You and your hybrid loving friends aren’t going to buy one, so why waste money trying to convince you? This goes right to the people it needs to: spineless assholes. Are you a hopeless head case who will buy anything to justify your existence? Boy, do we have the car for you.
This commercial makes me angry because I know it works. The fact that it makes me angry is proof that it works. It works on zombie Americans who will buy the vehicle and it works on people like me that find this behavior outrageous and hazardous. There will more in this series, just you wait. And when they get the one on the air that shows someone buying a Hummer so they can road rage more effectively, I will bow down and give the respect these blood suckers are due. It’s brilliant and really fucking sad all at once.
JR
The ads are blatant stabs at getting to the mindless consumer; one who is so consumed with keeping up with the Jones’, that he or she will do anything and buy anything to feel better about their lonely, pathetic lives.
The first one I saw featured a woman at the playground with her kid. Another kid cuts in front of her child and the mother timidly says, “but Jimmy was next..” To which the mother of the rude child says, “too bad, now we are.” Or something to that effect.
The offended mom gets frustrated, grabs her kid out of the playground and heads immediately to a Hummer dealership to get even. She buys a huge, gas guzzling Hummer and feels great about herself as she drives away. The tagline “Get Your Girl On” is seen as this weak, boring woman has just purchased away any feelings of inadequacy she might have had on the playground. I mean after all, it’s easier just to buy something that can help you threaten people behind two tons of steel than actually standing up for yourself right? Right.
The second ad shows a guy, possibly a vegetarian, in the check out line at the grocery store. He’s buying tofu and veggies but the guy behind him is buying what looks like the rack of ribs that knocked over Fred Flintstone’s car at the end of every episode of the Flintstones. The veggie guy is embarrassed and darts out of the store to the Hummer dealership. After buying, he gets in his shitty ride and with the tagline of “Restore the Balance,” he bites into a carrot. Why a vegetarian would suddenly be moved by a huge animal carcass to race out and start paying $60 to fill his tank, I’ll never know.
The commercials are pretty straightforward. A person is not happy with their life and how things are going in it, so they buy something they don’t need and all is better. If you get pushed around by people, don’t assert yourself, go buy an SUV and assert yourself anonymously inside your vehicle. There’s nothing braver than an asshole that imposes their will on other drivers just by the sheer volume of the truck they’re driving.
I think this is brilliant advertising because it flies in the face of what people typically think about SUV’s. Sure, tons of people still drive them, and I’m know deep down they love them, but in public, everyone silently or not-so-silently agrees they are monstrosities. In my world, to drive a Hummer means you suck. You’re a weak minded fool who needs this hunk of junk to feel better about yourself. You suck and the only way you can feel better about yourself is buying one. This is awful behavior and apparently Hummer agrees…merrily.
Hummer has said, “screw it” and is giving people what they want. Instead of making up reasons to justify why they bought the car, the ad has gone straight for the heart and has portrayed its costumers as they are. You and your hybrid loving friends aren’t going to buy one, so why waste money trying to convince you? This goes right to the people it needs to: spineless assholes. Are you a hopeless head case who will buy anything to justify your existence? Boy, do we have the car for you.
This commercial makes me angry because I know it works. The fact that it makes me angry is proof that it works. It works on zombie Americans who will buy the vehicle and it works on people like me that find this behavior outrageous and hazardous. There will more in this series, just you wait. And when they get the one on the air that shows someone buying a Hummer so they can road rage more effectively, I will bow down and give the respect these blood suckers are due. It’s brilliant and really fucking sad all at once.
JR
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
It's now complete
Dennis Miller's inevitable move to becoming a complete and utter asshole has now been completed. Miller will join Fox News as a contributor on Fox News' "Hannity & Colmes in the fall.
There hasn't been such a descent into mediocrity and uncoolness this extreme since Aerosmith got off the drugs cha-cha.
Miller is one of the biggest assholes in modern pop culture. He's harmless, because he's such a joke, but still, I've had to continually watch his ugly face on TV for so long, I was beginning to wonder who could possibly be paying him.
Miller started out as the wise cracking hipster on SNL's weekend update. He was cool, sarcastic and had that sweet hockey hair that was so representative of the times. I liked Dennis Miller. But I was probably 13 at time. Chances are good that if you could go back and revisit everything you liked at 13, you'd not only do some major editing to you life, but you'd probably punch your 13 year old self in the face.
Then Miller faded a bit. And with his brand of comedy and smug face out of our hearts and minds, we realized, when he started to appear in bad phone commercials, that he really wasn't that funny to begin with. He tried his hand at talk shows, I think, and failed like a man who shouldn't have been there in the first place. His act was tired and it wasn't the 80's anymore. Kids and people saturated with cocaine (who would laugh at anything) had moved on from his bad, predictable shtick.
And then there was Monday Night Football. More often than not, MNF games are boring, one sided affairs that have more to do with the lame announcers than the actual game. And some fucking genius thought it would be great to get ol' Dennis in there to appeal to goateed, docker wearing douchebags who don't know funny from a Larry the Cable Guy skit where he beats an Indian to death because he thinks he's one of "them A-Rabs."
Miller was a full force disaster as a MNF announcer. He spent more time trying to show everyone how smart he was by using big words to describe junior high educated players than he did actually talking about the game. It just didn't work. And not just because Miller was dull and aloof, his 80's wit hung in the air like a John Madden fart. Al Michaels spent the better part of the broadcast trying to smooth over Miller's flatulent bon mots like your Aunt putting a good spin on grandpa’s racist outbursts at Thanksgiving. The aforementioned "dockers wearing douchebag" couldn't understand why Miller was being let go after only one season.
Then Miller re-invented himself as a conservative ass-kicker with a funny bone. He jumped on the liberal bashing bandwagon so late, he practically snapped Anne Coulter in half when he landed on her. I mean, is there a more repellent person than the "I'm going to sock it to the liberals - because it's now safe" guy? I don't think so. Rush Limbaugh is one thing, but a past his prime comedian who, upon further review, wasn't very funny to begin with, starts throwing out the "L" word (liberal not lesbian)like they're beers at a bbq, I have to call bullshit.
At least Limbaugh was the first person to take his ridiculous rantings to the pop culture level and create a whole new kind of media. He made it fashionable to bash liberals and did it with, depending on who you talk to, a little style. Miller is just aping that; tapping into an already clueless and seemingly elderly demographic who watch Fox News AND still thinks he's funny.
And that's why Fox News is simultaneously displaying that it is both savvy and completely out of touch by hiring Miller full time. Most people will see this as a hilariously funny (in a sad way) stretch to keep their network relevant. It's needed because each day, Fox News gets exposed for exactly what it is: a Bush administration media arm that wouldn't tell you if bombs were about to fall on your house if that fat fuck Karl Rove didn't approve it first.
I see this move as not only being a pathetic stab at credibility (from a failed comedian no less!) but an absolute bewildering personnel move. Do these fools know that everyone hates Dennis Miller? Politics or not, he just sucks, and no amount of making fun of Howard Dean can ever erase that.
But even with saying that, I do know there are many, many people out there who have their taste (and their political beliefs) so far up their asses that they think Dennis Miller is as funny Dave Chapelle. Hiring Miller is in this sense brilliant because they are speaking directly to their mindless, obedient, and apparently humorless viewers by sticking Dennis Miller on there full time. If you give some thought to the Fox News demographic, it now comes off as possibly brilliant.
But while the rest of us will laugh and furrow our brows at the thought that someone is still hiring Dennis Miller, someone, a lonely, bitter, sad someone is quietly pumping his fist because he knows he can more of that sweet, smug, bearded face on the network more famous for its lying than its actual reporting.
I salute you Dennis Miller. Not because you are a complete jerkoff who couldn't extend his bland comedy career by another few years so you had to join the nazi party to peddle your wares. No. I salute you because you are what America is all about: a completely talent less asshole who keeps getting paid for being nothing more than fucking creep who will adopt any ideology, no matter how heinous, just to keep your ugly face on TV.
If the Child Molesters of America (CMoA) called Dennis, would you answer? If there was a paycheck and some screen time, I believe you would. Burn in hell you unfunny twat.
JR
There hasn't been such a descent into mediocrity and uncoolness this extreme since Aerosmith got off the drugs cha-cha.
Miller is one of the biggest assholes in modern pop culture. He's harmless, because he's such a joke, but still, I've had to continually watch his ugly face on TV for so long, I was beginning to wonder who could possibly be paying him.
Miller started out as the wise cracking hipster on SNL's weekend update. He was cool, sarcastic and had that sweet hockey hair that was so representative of the times. I liked Dennis Miller. But I was probably 13 at time. Chances are good that if you could go back and revisit everything you liked at 13, you'd not only do some major editing to you life, but you'd probably punch your 13 year old self in the face.
Then Miller faded a bit. And with his brand of comedy and smug face out of our hearts and minds, we realized, when he started to appear in bad phone commercials, that he really wasn't that funny to begin with. He tried his hand at talk shows, I think, and failed like a man who shouldn't have been there in the first place. His act was tired and it wasn't the 80's anymore. Kids and people saturated with cocaine (who would laugh at anything) had moved on from his bad, predictable shtick.
And then there was Monday Night Football. More often than not, MNF games are boring, one sided affairs that have more to do with the lame announcers than the actual game. And some fucking genius thought it would be great to get ol' Dennis in there to appeal to goateed, docker wearing douchebags who don't know funny from a Larry the Cable Guy skit where he beats an Indian to death because he thinks he's one of "them A-Rabs."
Miller was a full force disaster as a MNF announcer. He spent more time trying to show everyone how smart he was by using big words to describe junior high educated players than he did actually talking about the game. It just didn't work. And not just because Miller was dull and aloof, his 80's wit hung in the air like a John Madden fart. Al Michaels spent the better part of the broadcast trying to smooth over Miller's flatulent bon mots like your Aunt putting a good spin on grandpa’s racist outbursts at Thanksgiving. The aforementioned "dockers wearing douchebag" couldn't understand why Miller was being let go after only one season.
Then Miller re-invented himself as a conservative ass-kicker with a funny bone. He jumped on the liberal bashing bandwagon so late, he practically snapped Anne Coulter in half when he landed on her. I mean, is there a more repellent person than the "I'm going to sock it to the liberals - because it's now safe" guy? I don't think so. Rush Limbaugh is one thing, but a past his prime comedian who, upon further review, wasn't very funny to begin with, starts throwing out the "L" word (liberal not lesbian)like they're beers at a bbq, I have to call bullshit.
At least Limbaugh was the first person to take his ridiculous rantings to the pop culture level and create a whole new kind of media. He made it fashionable to bash liberals and did it with, depending on who you talk to, a little style. Miller is just aping that; tapping into an already clueless and seemingly elderly demographic who watch Fox News AND still thinks he's funny.
And that's why Fox News is simultaneously displaying that it is both savvy and completely out of touch by hiring Miller full time. Most people will see this as a hilariously funny (in a sad way) stretch to keep their network relevant. It's needed because each day, Fox News gets exposed for exactly what it is: a Bush administration media arm that wouldn't tell you if bombs were about to fall on your house if that fat fuck Karl Rove didn't approve it first.
I see this move as not only being a pathetic stab at credibility (from a failed comedian no less!) but an absolute bewildering personnel move. Do these fools know that everyone hates Dennis Miller? Politics or not, he just sucks, and no amount of making fun of Howard Dean can ever erase that.
But even with saying that, I do know there are many, many people out there who have their taste (and their political beliefs) so far up their asses that they think Dennis Miller is as funny Dave Chapelle. Hiring Miller is in this sense brilliant because they are speaking directly to their mindless, obedient, and apparently humorless viewers by sticking Dennis Miller on there full time. If you give some thought to the Fox News demographic, it now comes off as possibly brilliant.
But while the rest of us will laugh and furrow our brows at the thought that someone is still hiring Dennis Miller, someone, a lonely, bitter, sad someone is quietly pumping his fist because he knows he can more of that sweet, smug, bearded face on the network more famous for its lying than its actual reporting.
I salute you Dennis Miller. Not because you are a complete jerkoff who couldn't extend his bland comedy career by another few years so you had to join the nazi party to peddle your wares. No. I salute you because you are what America is all about: a completely talent less asshole who keeps getting paid for being nothing more than fucking creep who will adopt any ideology, no matter how heinous, just to keep your ugly face on TV.
If the Child Molesters of America (CMoA) called Dennis, would you answer? If there was a paycheck and some screen time, I believe you would. Burn in hell you unfunny twat.
JR
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Denver Post Music Showcase
It’s really too bad that “Things To Do in Denver When You’re Dead” was such a terrible movie. It’s forever linked with the city and not only makes Denver seem boring and unimaginative (like the film), it’s robbed us of a simple way of telling you what’s going on.
If you want to show just how out of touch and lame you are, title a column, “Things To Do in Denver...” Instead of being informative and hip you’ll have people running from your piece like it was homeless man, covered in shit, who just stumbled into the line at Burger King. No one wants that and no one wants your “Thing To Do in Denver” awkwardness.
If the movie had been better would it be ok to use the line? I don’t know maybe. It surely would have helped it, but I think some cocksucker from 5280 Magazine would have beaten it into the ground by now for sure.
So if you’re looking for something to do in Denver this weekend and you don’t want a clichéd tagline from a crappy movie no one saw, except for people in Denver hoping to see their house, check out the Denver Post’s Underground Music Showcase.
The showcase takes place down on South Broadway at five different venues including the Three Kings Tavern, the Hi-Dive, Irish Rover and the Skylark. I think tickets are like $10 and there are some all ages shows earlier in the day. More info here: denverpost.com/music and denverpostbloghouse.com/underground
I was sent a ballot and was actually a judge for this year’s festivities. I declined to do it last year because I have become so out of touch with local music that I probably would just be voting for the few bands I knew and that wouldn’t be fair to some of the bands that actually deserve it. It’s pretty cool because 10 years ago, there would be no way to fill up the ballot with good bands, let alone vote for 20 of them.
But I voted. Partly because I wanted to get out on the town and see some of these bands and partly because I have actually been keeping up with local music….a little bit. I did do a homer vote by selecting the incredible Black Lamb with my first vote. I knew they probably wouldn’t win, but I still think they are one of the best bands in Denver and dammit I was going to vote for them because I could.
I voted for Hot IQ’s second and they actually came in second so hey, I’m not that out of touch. Munly won the whole thing and I had him down a few notches at number 6. Not bad for somebody who hasn’t seen a local band play in many, many years. I was pretty close with most of the other top 10 as well. I won’t tell you who else I voted for because I don’t want to get anyone excited and/or pissed off. I will tell you that near the end I was running out of bands to vote for so I started to select them solely based on how cool their name was. Nightshark and Electric Side Dish got votes based on these criteria. I hope they’re good…their names are glorious.
I think what Rick Baca and crew over at the Post are doing is great for Denver. They’ve moved the big papers into the 21st century through their excellent music coverage. Back in the day (by which I mean 10 years ago), the music coverage of the big papers was just a fucking joke but now it’s credible, respectable and if you can throw a party like this (for the sixth year), they got my vote…..hopefully they don’t read this and realize how utterly oblivious I am to local music. But hey, I may not go to the shows, but I’m always listening.
JR
If you want to show just how out of touch and lame you are, title a column, “Things To Do in Denver...” Instead of being informative and hip you’ll have people running from your piece like it was homeless man, covered in shit, who just stumbled into the line at Burger King. No one wants that and no one wants your “Thing To Do in Denver” awkwardness.
If the movie had been better would it be ok to use the line? I don’t know maybe. It surely would have helped it, but I think some cocksucker from 5280 Magazine would have beaten it into the ground by now for sure.
So if you’re looking for something to do in Denver this weekend and you don’t want a clichéd tagline from a crappy movie no one saw, except for people in Denver hoping to see their house, check out the Denver Post’s Underground Music Showcase.
The showcase takes place down on South Broadway at five different venues including the Three Kings Tavern, the Hi-Dive, Irish Rover and the Skylark. I think tickets are like $10 and there are some all ages shows earlier in the day. More info here: denverpost.com/music and denverpostbloghouse.com/underground
I was sent a ballot and was actually a judge for this year’s festivities. I declined to do it last year because I have become so out of touch with local music that I probably would just be voting for the few bands I knew and that wouldn’t be fair to some of the bands that actually deserve it. It’s pretty cool because 10 years ago, there would be no way to fill up the ballot with good bands, let alone vote for 20 of them.
But I voted. Partly because I wanted to get out on the town and see some of these bands and partly because I have actually been keeping up with local music….a little bit. I did do a homer vote by selecting the incredible Black Lamb with my first vote. I knew they probably wouldn’t win, but I still think they are one of the best bands in Denver and dammit I was going to vote for them because I could.
I voted for Hot IQ’s second and they actually came in second so hey, I’m not that out of touch. Munly won the whole thing and I had him down a few notches at number 6. Not bad for somebody who hasn’t seen a local band play in many, many years. I was pretty close with most of the other top 10 as well. I won’t tell you who else I voted for because I don’t want to get anyone excited and/or pissed off. I will tell you that near the end I was running out of bands to vote for so I started to select them solely based on how cool their name was. Nightshark and Electric Side Dish got votes based on these criteria. I hope they’re good…their names are glorious.
I think what Rick Baca and crew over at the Post are doing is great for Denver. They’ve moved the big papers into the 21st century through their excellent music coverage. Back in the day (by which I mean 10 years ago), the music coverage of the big papers was just a fucking joke but now it’s credible, respectable and if you can throw a party like this (for the sixth year), they got my vote…..hopefully they don’t read this and realize how utterly oblivious I am to local music. But hey, I may not go to the shows, but I’m always listening.
JR
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
The Fat Guy Effect
I was thinking about fat guys the other day and what their role is in society. Fat guys are great. They’re either the jolly counterpart to a howling good time or the rotund whipping boy that gets dumped on like a county fair port-a-potty.
The fat guy in movies and TV has those two roles to fill and if he deviates from that, it causes problems. It’s like if a gay guy isn’t portrayed as a mincing fag on the various Bravo shows, you get confused.
When a fat guy is of the good natured sort, someone you want with you on a wild adventure, he’s more of the frat boy kind. The John Belushi character from Animal House comes to mind. You don’t fuck with this guy because he’s inherently tough and is his own man to the point that his size alone is intimidating.
Then there’s the whipping boy. This kind of fat guy is born to be abused. You blame him for your defeats and give him no credit for your victories. He gets whomped on the head a lot, ala Gilligan, and typically is found in crucial moments feeding his fat face when he’s supposed to be doing something important. Dipping back into Animal House, Flounder is the perfect example. If you’ve never seen Animal House, you’re either 13- years old or a complete douche bag. Don’t tell me which one.
Here’s how the Fat Guy Effect operates in movies and TV when race is involved: fat, white guys are not usually paired up with black people. I don’t know why this is, but I can’t really think of an example where this is the case. I think when you get the outgoing and aggressive fat guy (Belushi) he doesn’t pair up well with a black guy in a movie. The whipping boy style fat guy can, but it’s rare. A recent example would be the Will Smith movie Hitch where Big Willie slaps around the horribly shitty Kevin James. James is one of the worst fat guy’s in the business. He’s always eating in everything he’s in and you can literally see his dignity disappear with every bite he takes.
If a skinny white guy is in a movie with a tough, lean black guy watch out; he’ll get whomped on the head just like the incompetent fat guy no matter his race. Anytime the dreadful Steve Zahn appears in a movie with black people he gets abused like the charity candy box in an office break room. It doesn’t matter if it’s a man or a sassy black woman (probably played by a man), the white man is getting slapped up like an inflatable clown.
But it gets tricky with the fat black guy. He falls into the same mode as any fat guy with there being an incompetent version that gets blamed for everything and one who is cool and nobody is going to tell him what he can or can’t do. That stays the same. The only difference between the fat black guy and the fat white guy is the fat black guy seems to be eating more during the course of the film. Where it gets weird, and this could be the opposite of the Steve Zahn Effect, is where there is a fat black guy starring with a lean, tough white guy. 100% of the time, the black guy is going to get abused. A recent film that comes to mind is the Cedric the Entertainer / Tommy Lee Jones opus, Man of the House.
I didn’t see this piece of poop but I can tell you that Ced gets slapped around by Tommy Lee so much it’s embarrassing. I like Ced; I think he’s funny and talented so it’s just cringe inducing to watch him humiliate himself like this. He falls into the category of the cool fat guy but by signing on with a dominating actor like Tommy Lee Jones, he should have known what he was in for. This has set his career back to its very beginning I’m pretty sure.
And then there’s Mike Golic and the whole reason I wrote this ridiculousness in the first place. Mike Golic is an ex-football player, ESPN analyst and radio host. He is a classic example of the shitty fat guy who has somehow found himself in the role of the cool fat guy. I don’t know how it happened because he even looks a bit like Flounder from Animal House.
Golic is a doughy faced pussy whose opinions carry no weight because we all know he’s the inept lard ass who would take a major beating from even the lowliest Hollywood leading man.
Golic must have a good agent because he’s been cast as the ex-football tough guy even though no one knows what team he played for. Tony Siragusa is a fat, loud jerk who used to play for the Baltimore Ravens. That guy is who they’ve cast Golic to be like but he’ll never achieve that status. Siragusa is a fat slob who fills the role of the obnoxious fat guy to a T. He wouldn’t be caught dead getting grief from anyone, let alone a skinny white who weighs 100 pounds less than he does.
Co-hosting his radio show is ESPN’s Mike Greenberg who is the “geeky” counterpart to Golic’s fat, tough guy. Greenberg is likeable and knowledgeable sports guy but has to play the weak dork to this poor man’s Siragusa. Greenberg has to lob softballs to Golic who will then hit them out of the yard by pointing out how uncool he is by showcasing the difference between the two. It’s strange to see (they put the radio show on TV…TV On The Radio?) the two interact because at any moment you expect Golic to look up from eating a pie and have Greenberg hit him over the head with his head. It never happens and I think someone should be fired over it.
I’m not sure why I hate Mike Golic show much but I always have. I’m all for people transcending their stereotypes but when someone is such an ill fit for their faux persona, I want to scream, “get back to eating out of that bucket of KFC and looking up surprised with a greasy face you corpulent bastard!”
My theory is that Mike Golic and Bon Jovi secretly employ Karl Rove to fool everyone into believing they are something they are not: Golic, a tough guy fatty and Bon Jovi a band that never sucked and is still making good music. Only the genius spin doctor Karl Rove could achieve two such incredible feats. Considering what he’s done for Bush, I have to point to him for the Jesus caliber miracles that have been performed for Golic’s broadcasting career and Bon Jovi’s inexplicable longevity. Bon Jovi sucks so bad they deserve their own post. But again, I digress.
If you’re a fat guy (white or black), there’s work for you. It all depends on how you’re perceived by the public. Are you the sassy fat guy or are you the punching bag? If you’re fat and you want to get into movies or TV I would first suggest hiring Mike Golic’s agent (Karl Rove) and of course bring your own bucket of fried chicken to the audition.
JR
The fat guy in movies and TV has those two roles to fill and if he deviates from that, it causes problems. It’s like if a gay guy isn’t portrayed as a mincing fag on the various Bravo shows, you get confused.
When a fat guy is of the good natured sort, someone you want with you on a wild adventure, he’s more of the frat boy kind. The John Belushi character from Animal House comes to mind. You don’t fuck with this guy because he’s inherently tough and is his own man to the point that his size alone is intimidating.
Then there’s the whipping boy. This kind of fat guy is born to be abused. You blame him for your defeats and give him no credit for your victories. He gets whomped on the head a lot, ala Gilligan, and typically is found in crucial moments feeding his fat face when he’s supposed to be doing something important. Dipping back into Animal House, Flounder is the perfect example. If you’ve never seen Animal House, you’re either 13- years old or a complete douche bag. Don’t tell me which one.
Here’s how the Fat Guy Effect operates in movies and TV when race is involved: fat, white guys are not usually paired up with black people. I don’t know why this is, but I can’t really think of an example where this is the case. I think when you get the outgoing and aggressive fat guy (Belushi) he doesn’t pair up well with a black guy in a movie. The whipping boy style fat guy can, but it’s rare. A recent example would be the Will Smith movie Hitch where Big Willie slaps around the horribly shitty Kevin James. James is one of the worst fat guy’s in the business. He’s always eating in everything he’s in and you can literally see his dignity disappear with every bite he takes.
If a skinny white guy is in a movie with a tough, lean black guy watch out; he’ll get whomped on the head just like the incompetent fat guy no matter his race. Anytime the dreadful Steve Zahn appears in a movie with black people he gets abused like the charity candy box in an office break room. It doesn’t matter if it’s a man or a sassy black woman (probably played by a man), the white man is getting slapped up like an inflatable clown.
But it gets tricky with the fat black guy. He falls into the same mode as any fat guy with there being an incompetent version that gets blamed for everything and one who is cool and nobody is going to tell him what he can or can’t do. That stays the same. The only difference between the fat black guy and the fat white guy is the fat black guy seems to be eating more during the course of the film. Where it gets weird, and this could be the opposite of the Steve Zahn Effect, is where there is a fat black guy starring with a lean, tough white guy. 100% of the time, the black guy is going to get abused. A recent film that comes to mind is the Cedric the Entertainer / Tommy Lee Jones opus, Man of the House.
I didn’t see this piece of poop but I can tell you that Ced gets slapped around by Tommy Lee so much it’s embarrassing. I like Ced; I think he’s funny and talented so it’s just cringe inducing to watch him humiliate himself like this. He falls into the category of the cool fat guy but by signing on with a dominating actor like Tommy Lee Jones, he should have known what he was in for. This has set his career back to its very beginning I’m pretty sure.
And then there’s Mike Golic and the whole reason I wrote this ridiculousness in the first place. Mike Golic is an ex-football player, ESPN analyst and radio host. He is a classic example of the shitty fat guy who has somehow found himself in the role of the cool fat guy. I don’t know how it happened because he even looks a bit like Flounder from Animal House.
Golic is a doughy faced pussy whose opinions carry no weight because we all know he’s the inept lard ass who would take a major beating from even the lowliest Hollywood leading man.
Golic must have a good agent because he’s been cast as the ex-football tough guy even though no one knows what team he played for. Tony Siragusa is a fat, loud jerk who used to play for the Baltimore Ravens. That guy is who they’ve cast Golic to be like but he’ll never achieve that status. Siragusa is a fat slob who fills the role of the obnoxious fat guy to a T. He wouldn’t be caught dead getting grief from anyone, let alone a skinny white who weighs 100 pounds less than he does.
Co-hosting his radio show is ESPN’s Mike Greenberg who is the “geeky” counterpart to Golic’s fat, tough guy. Greenberg is likeable and knowledgeable sports guy but has to play the weak dork to this poor man’s Siragusa. Greenberg has to lob softballs to Golic who will then hit them out of the yard by pointing out how uncool he is by showcasing the difference between the two. It’s strange to see (they put the radio show on TV…TV On The Radio?) the two interact because at any moment you expect Golic to look up from eating a pie and have Greenberg hit him over the head with his head. It never happens and I think someone should be fired over it.
I’m not sure why I hate Mike Golic show much but I always have. I’m all for people transcending their stereotypes but when someone is such an ill fit for their faux persona, I want to scream, “get back to eating out of that bucket of KFC and looking up surprised with a greasy face you corpulent bastard!”
My theory is that Mike Golic and Bon Jovi secretly employ Karl Rove to fool everyone into believing they are something they are not: Golic, a tough guy fatty and Bon Jovi a band that never sucked and is still making good music. Only the genius spin doctor Karl Rove could achieve two such incredible feats. Considering what he’s done for Bush, I have to point to him for the Jesus caliber miracles that have been performed for Golic’s broadcasting career and Bon Jovi’s inexplicable longevity. Bon Jovi sucks so bad they deserve their own post. But again, I digress.
If you’re a fat guy (white or black), there’s work for you. It all depends on how you’re perceived by the public. Are you the sassy fat guy or are you the punching bag? If you’re fat and you want to get into movies or TV I would first suggest hiring Mike Golic’s agent (Karl Rove) and of course bring your own bucket of fried chicken to the audition.
JR
Monday, July 17, 2006
Bushit
Everyone is up in arms about Bush saying "shit" to Tony Blair. Well, if you're upset by that, then you are a douchebag.
First of all, if you think the president is going to be doing clean comedy like Sinbad, you got another thing fucking coming. He, like all the others before him are as foul mouthed as the people you sit on the couch smoking bongs and playing video games with. The only difference is there is a camera on the prez most of the time and he has to clean up his act.
If you put a camera on me for most of the day and then "mistakenly" got me when I didn't know I was being recorded, the nation (most of all my mother) would be shocked and dismayed at the foul language spraying from my word hole. And that goes for the rest of you too. Everyone has a foul mouth and if you were recorded, it would take you back a few steps.
So Bush saying "shit" isn't anything to get riled up about. By all accounts, Bush is supposed to be a potty mouth, but it's important that his hypocritical religious base doesn't hear that side. He could have said worse.
If you haven't heard it, Bush says something about the Israel/Hezbollah conflict going on right now to Tony Blair. He says, "...then they can end this shit." To me that sounds like a conversation going on right now around the water coolers, the barstools and the raquetball courts. Surprisingly enough, it sounds like what an average American would say. Only, he's not supposed to be an average American.
If you're shocked by this, you suck. Go build a time machine and go live in the 50's where nothing bad ever happened, races were equal, sexual harrassment didn't exist, and most of all, no one said bad words.
What this really reveals about Bush is just how fake he sounds. If you listen to the conversation, he talks to Blair with all the conviction of a man talking to some jerk he just met at a BBQ he never wanted to go to. For two people who have backed eachother up on a lot of bullshit in the last six years, they don't sound very chummy. And it's not like it's a cold conversation. Like the kind you'd have with a guy who you knew banged your high school girl friend back in the day. No, it seems friendly, but the conversation just has a ring of fakeness to it. Like the kind you'd have with a neighbor you never go to know so well.
I don't care that Bush said this. Unfortunately it will make him look cool in the eyes of all the dullards who stil think he's a good man and doing the right things. They'll laud this as a John Wayne kind of attitude and tell "liberals" they should act more like this. Anything to distract you from the real issues I guess. Anne Coulter's going to run with this, proclaiming "liberals" worship the devil because they don't wan the president saying "shit." Meanwhile, someone is shocked to find out that Anne Coulter is still alive.
I just wish that it had gone down this way: "Damn Tony! Who'd thought me blowing up them twin towers and blaming it on them A-rabs woulda caused all this here mess!"
Well, he is being recorded every day, so there's always tomorrow.
JR
First of all, if you think the president is going to be doing clean comedy like Sinbad, you got another thing fucking coming. He, like all the others before him are as foul mouthed as the people you sit on the couch smoking bongs and playing video games with. The only difference is there is a camera on the prez most of the time and he has to clean up his act.
If you put a camera on me for most of the day and then "mistakenly" got me when I didn't know I was being recorded, the nation (most of all my mother) would be shocked and dismayed at the foul language spraying from my word hole. And that goes for the rest of you too. Everyone has a foul mouth and if you were recorded, it would take you back a few steps.
So Bush saying "shit" isn't anything to get riled up about. By all accounts, Bush is supposed to be a potty mouth, but it's important that his hypocritical religious base doesn't hear that side. He could have said worse.
If you haven't heard it, Bush says something about the Israel/Hezbollah conflict going on right now to Tony Blair. He says, "...then they can end this shit." To me that sounds like a conversation going on right now around the water coolers, the barstools and the raquetball courts. Surprisingly enough, it sounds like what an average American would say. Only, he's not supposed to be an average American.
If you're shocked by this, you suck. Go build a time machine and go live in the 50's where nothing bad ever happened, races were equal, sexual harrassment didn't exist, and most of all, no one said bad words.
What this really reveals about Bush is just how fake he sounds. If you listen to the conversation, he talks to Blair with all the conviction of a man talking to some jerk he just met at a BBQ he never wanted to go to. For two people who have backed eachother up on a lot of bullshit in the last six years, they don't sound very chummy. And it's not like it's a cold conversation. Like the kind you'd have with a guy who you knew banged your high school girl friend back in the day. No, it seems friendly, but the conversation just has a ring of fakeness to it. Like the kind you'd have with a neighbor you never go to know so well.
I don't care that Bush said this. Unfortunately it will make him look cool in the eyes of all the dullards who stil think he's a good man and doing the right things. They'll laud this as a John Wayne kind of attitude and tell "liberals" they should act more like this. Anything to distract you from the real issues I guess. Anne Coulter's going to run with this, proclaiming "liberals" worship the devil because they don't wan the president saying "shit." Meanwhile, someone is shocked to find out that Anne Coulter is still alive.
I just wish that it had gone down this way: "Damn Tony! Who'd thought me blowing up them twin towers and blaming it on them A-rabs woulda caused all this here mess!"
Well, he is being recorded every day, so there's always tomorrow.
JR
Thursday, July 13, 2006
"That's NOT What I'm Talking About"
There are at least three, maybe four movies out right now that have the phrase "that's what I'm talking about" in the trailer.
The phrase, which is pretty much the present day equivalent to someone exclaiming "You Go Girl!" or and old lady saying "fo-shizzle" right before she starts rapping. It's lame and incredibly played out.
Adam Sandler's latest pooper "Click" has him saying the phrase, the new animated movie "Monster House" has a cop saying it and the wonderous new film "Little Man" has one of the Wayans brothers crapping it out.
A lot of times, "that's what I'm talking about" is relagated to only black people saying it (the aformentioned "Little Man" and the clip for "Monster House" featured black guys saying it). Chris Rock has said it in like 20 movies so far. So I'm wondering if a black guy gets his script with "that's what I'm talking about" staring at him, is he like "shit, not again." I know actors are paid to say the lines written for them, but there has to be moment of embarrassment when they see this line in the script. The fact that it is so many movies right now should be a big red flag that it may have reached a point of no return.
It's just one of those dumb lines that took on a life of its own and now it's in tons of movies, TV and pop culture shlock. Every dork with a goatee and beer gut says it when his team scores a touchdown and stiff white dudes in suits say it to eachother when they close the big Johnson account...high fiving eachother at Shenanigans.
Somebody cool must have said it a long time ago and now it's just a stupid catch phrase uttered instead of doing the Macauly Culkin "YES/fist pump." But it's far lamer than that. Have you ever heard someone say it in real life? It's awkward and uncomfortable like someone you don't know very well telling you about the abortions they've had.
But thankfully all signs point to the phrase being on its way out. Just like when someone you know singehandedly sent "fo-shizzle" packing, "that's what I'm talking about" is now officially on its way out the door.
I did want to touch on the movie "Little Man" quickly before I sign off. It looks like they stuck a Wayans brother's head onto a dwarf's body to further the story line that he's a criminal hiding out pretending to be a baby...let the anal thermometer jokes and big dicks on a baby one liners begin!
Isn't this like employing a hispanic to play an Italian or a Chinese person to portray a Japanese geisha? Wasn't there plenty of black dwarfs available for this role? I know the one dude from Bad Santa was probably looking for work (shit, it may be his body they used) and what about the Geto Boys Bushwich Bill? I sure as hell would love to see him in a movie.
I know they have to feature a Wayans brother to sell the movie but jeez, cut the dwarfs some slack; they need to eat too. Bushwick Bill only has one eye for fuck's sake, you know he needs the cash.
JR
The phrase, which is pretty much the present day equivalent to someone exclaiming "You Go Girl!" or and old lady saying "fo-shizzle" right before she starts rapping. It's lame and incredibly played out.
Adam Sandler's latest pooper "Click" has him saying the phrase, the new animated movie "Monster House" has a cop saying it and the wonderous new film "Little Man" has one of the Wayans brothers crapping it out.
A lot of times, "that's what I'm talking about" is relagated to only black people saying it (the aformentioned "Little Man" and the clip for "Monster House" featured black guys saying it). Chris Rock has said it in like 20 movies so far. So I'm wondering if a black guy gets his script with "that's what I'm talking about" staring at him, is he like "shit, not again." I know actors are paid to say the lines written for them, but there has to be moment of embarrassment when they see this line in the script. The fact that it is so many movies right now should be a big red flag that it may have reached a point of no return.
It's just one of those dumb lines that took on a life of its own and now it's in tons of movies, TV and pop culture shlock. Every dork with a goatee and beer gut says it when his team scores a touchdown and stiff white dudes in suits say it to eachother when they close the big Johnson account...high fiving eachother at Shenanigans.
Somebody cool must have said it a long time ago and now it's just a stupid catch phrase uttered instead of doing the Macauly Culkin "YES/fist pump." But it's far lamer than that. Have you ever heard someone say it in real life? It's awkward and uncomfortable like someone you don't know very well telling you about the abortions they've had.
But thankfully all signs point to the phrase being on its way out. Just like when someone you know singehandedly sent "fo-shizzle" packing, "that's what I'm talking about" is now officially on its way out the door.
I did want to touch on the movie "Little Man" quickly before I sign off. It looks like they stuck a Wayans brother's head onto a dwarf's body to further the story line that he's a criminal hiding out pretending to be a baby...let the anal thermometer jokes and big dicks on a baby one liners begin!
Isn't this like employing a hispanic to play an Italian or a Chinese person to portray a Japanese geisha? Wasn't there plenty of black dwarfs available for this role? I know the one dude from Bad Santa was probably looking for work (shit, it may be his body they used) and what about the Geto Boys Bushwich Bill? I sure as hell would love to see him in a movie.
I know they have to feature a Wayans brother to sell the movie but jeez, cut the dwarfs some slack; they need to eat too. Bushwick Bill only has one eye for fuck's sake, you know he needs the cash.
JR
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Cheetara!
Well, if you watched VH1's World Series of Pop Culture, you would have seen my cousing singlehandedly carry her team, Cheetara, through to the second round.
She did really well and I sympathize with her team mates who ended up getting some hard assed questions.
I don't think I could be on a show like that because I'm just not fast enough with the answers. My forte, as you may well know, is sitting back and thinking up witty responses and typing them out, not spitting them like an up and coming white rapper looking for credibility in the hardscrabble streets of East Denver.
I look forward to more Cheetara, and I'll let you know when she's on again.
JR
She did really well and I sympathize with her team mates who ended up getting some hard assed questions.
I don't think I could be on a show like that because I'm just not fast enough with the answers. My forte, as you may well know, is sitting back and thinking up witty responses and typing them out, not spitting them like an up and coming white rapper looking for credibility in the hardscrabble streets of East Denver.
I look forward to more Cheetara, and I'll let you know when she's on again.
JR
Monday, July 10, 2006
World Series of Pop Culture
I consider myself a master of useless pop culture knowledge, but I don't have shit on my cousin Erin.
Erin is competing on VH1's World Series of Pop Culture and the episode she's on will air this tuesday (7/11). Not sure what time it's on in your neck of the woods, but if you don't catch it then, I'm pretty sure VH1 will re-run it until the end of time.
I had to make sure my Tivo is set NOT to record every goddamn episode of Flavor of Love considering they re-ran it around the clock a few months back. So I'm thinking the WSOPC will be on a few times.
But if you do watch, cheer on my cousin and her team "Cheetara" as they take on some bonifide trivia geeks for a prize of $250,000. I don't know how she did, she couldn't tell us. But she was wearing a solid gold crown that said "Queen of Trivia" when I saw her last....who knows.
Shit. And I thought winning a $50 bar tab when I go out and do trivia was pretty sweet. Oh well, maybe I'll just stick to free hot wings and Budweiser, that might be more of my speed.
JR
Erin is competing on VH1's World Series of Pop Culture and the episode she's on will air this tuesday (7/11). Not sure what time it's on in your neck of the woods, but if you don't catch it then, I'm pretty sure VH1 will re-run it until the end of time.
I had to make sure my Tivo is set NOT to record every goddamn episode of Flavor of Love considering they re-ran it around the clock a few months back. So I'm thinking the WSOPC will be on a few times.
But if you do watch, cheer on my cousin and her team "Cheetara" as they take on some bonifide trivia geeks for a prize of $250,000. I don't know how she did, she couldn't tell us. But she was wearing a solid gold crown that said "Queen of Trivia" when I saw her last....who knows.
Shit. And I thought winning a $50 bar tab when I go out and do trivia was pretty sweet. Oh well, maybe I'll just stick to free hot wings and Budweiser, that might be more of my speed.
JR
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Baffling Smoke Signals
I’m so not one to endorse the erosion of personal liberties. I’m the first one to let loose a wail of displeasure when some jerk off is trying to kill my personal freedom buzz. But when Denver enacted its smoking ban earlier this month, I bent over and said, “take my freedom please.”
I am not a smoker. Sure, I smoked in high school but buying cigarettes seemed ridiculous when my money was needed for beer, weed and new skate decks. What I got out of smoking was paltry compared to the other things I needed to spend money on. And besides, there was that one time I drank a bunch of wine coolers, smoked five cigarettes and got woefully sick in the deep, shadowy recesses of “Norman’s.” (if you were a teen in the mid/late 80’s in Denver, you know what I’m talking about)
So, smoking stinks. I fucking hate it. I hate going out and having to take a damn shower before I go to bed. I don’t know how I did it for so long. I was a bar fly in the utmost and I would crash out every night reeking of smoke. As I got older the smell was too much and I’d have to wash it all off before I hit the sheets. I don’t even want to think about what it was doing to my lungs.
Denver pushed through a smoking ban and everybody flipped out. There was an article in the local paper about the people who run ‘Billy’s Inn’ way up in Northwest Denver. They were upset because they feared business would drop off due to the ban. The jury’s still out on that one. My gut feeling is if people want to drink, they will drink. The fact that they have to get up and go outside to smoke really doesn’t have any bearing on whether some drunk bastard will choose not to come in to your bar. The story on ‘Billy’s Inn’ was hilarious though because that bar is one of the smokiest, grossest, cloud-of-death bars in the city. You literally walk in to a cloud of smoke when you enter that den of smolder. It’s so nasty, it has to be a health hazard, yet the people who run the place don’t care or don’t notice anymore.
And that my friend is the main issue with the smoking ban; cigarette smoke is a health hazard. I’m terrified I will end up with lung cancer simply for the fact that I sat my ass in countless bars over the years, killing my liver while killing my lungs with other people’s smoke. Yes, I could have stayed at home. Yes, it was my choice to be there. Save those comments for someone who gives a shit. But this is a situation where if the bar isn’t going to do something about it, the city government (unfortunately) has to.
Asbestos is not good for you. They packed it in everywhere at some point in our glorious country’s history. It stopped fires so it was good right? No, it wasn’t good. It causes cancer and it was eventually removed from wherever the jammed it in. Asbestos is a health hazard and it took a government mandate to get it out of the buildings and out of people’s lives. I think smoking is the same as asbestos; if someone doesn’t step up and do something about it, it will just keep killing people….sorry, it will just kill me. I don’t really give a shit about the clown sitting in a bar smoking himself to death, let’s be honest here. I don’t want myself, or people I like, to die because the like to sit and have a drink. Fuck the loser who chooses to smoke; he can do that all he wants. I just don’t want to go down with him.
I believe people should be allowed to smoke. I don’t give a shit if they want to do that to themselves. Every tax paying adult should be allowed to fuck themselves up in any way they can imagine. Shove big, spiky dildos up your ass, put nails in your balls or whatever the fuck you’re into….just don’t let it affect the person sitting next to you. I am 100% for the legalization of ALL drugs. Rock it out man. Do your worst, just don’t let what you’re doing bum out your neighbors and the public at large. If you got ‘em, smoke ‘em, just do it outside. If you’ve been to a bar that doesn’t allow smoking, it’s an amazing feeling to come home not smelling like ass and ashtray.
Extreme anti-smokers are lame. They are self righteous and act like someone let off a mustard gas canister when someone lights up. Fuck those people. This ban is not for them because they would never be caught in a bar in the first place. This is for people like me who enjoy the sometimes friendly confines of a bar and don’t want to breathe in someone else’s death.
So in this particular case, I’m thrilled that personal liberties are being taken away. Why? Because it makes it fair. I can now go out to a bar and not have some dickhead who’s smoking one cig after another, dictating my declining health. I’m doing that just fine on my own.
JR
I am not a smoker. Sure, I smoked in high school but buying cigarettes seemed ridiculous when my money was needed for beer, weed and new skate decks. What I got out of smoking was paltry compared to the other things I needed to spend money on. And besides, there was that one time I drank a bunch of wine coolers, smoked five cigarettes and got woefully sick in the deep, shadowy recesses of “Norman’s.” (if you were a teen in the mid/late 80’s in Denver, you know what I’m talking about)
So, smoking stinks. I fucking hate it. I hate going out and having to take a damn shower before I go to bed. I don’t know how I did it for so long. I was a bar fly in the utmost and I would crash out every night reeking of smoke. As I got older the smell was too much and I’d have to wash it all off before I hit the sheets. I don’t even want to think about what it was doing to my lungs.
Denver pushed through a smoking ban and everybody flipped out. There was an article in the local paper about the people who run ‘Billy’s Inn’ way up in Northwest Denver. They were upset because they feared business would drop off due to the ban. The jury’s still out on that one. My gut feeling is if people want to drink, they will drink. The fact that they have to get up and go outside to smoke really doesn’t have any bearing on whether some drunk bastard will choose not to come in to your bar. The story on ‘Billy’s Inn’ was hilarious though because that bar is one of the smokiest, grossest, cloud-of-death bars in the city. You literally walk in to a cloud of smoke when you enter that den of smolder. It’s so nasty, it has to be a health hazard, yet the people who run the place don’t care or don’t notice anymore.
And that my friend is the main issue with the smoking ban; cigarette smoke is a health hazard. I’m terrified I will end up with lung cancer simply for the fact that I sat my ass in countless bars over the years, killing my liver while killing my lungs with other people’s smoke. Yes, I could have stayed at home. Yes, it was my choice to be there. Save those comments for someone who gives a shit. But this is a situation where if the bar isn’t going to do something about it, the city government (unfortunately) has to.
Asbestos is not good for you. They packed it in everywhere at some point in our glorious country’s history. It stopped fires so it was good right? No, it wasn’t good. It causes cancer and it was eventually removed from wherever the jammed it in. Asbestos is a health hazard and it took a government mandate to get it out of the buildings and out of people’s lives. I think smoking is the same as asbestos; if someone doesn’t step up and do something about it, it will just keep killing people….sorry, it will just kill me. I don’t really give a shit about the clown sitting in a bar smoking himself to death, let’s be honest here. I don’t want myself, or people I like, to die because the like to sit and have a drink. Fuck the loser who chooses to smoke; he can do that all he wants. I just don’t want to go down with him.
I believe people should be allowed to smoke. I don’t give a shit if they want to do that to themselves. Every tax paying adult should be allowed to fuck themselves up in any way they can imagine. Shove big, spiky dildos up your ass, put nails in your balls or whatever the fuck you’re into….just don’t let it affect the person sitting next to you. I am 100% for the legalization of ALL drugs. Rock it out man. Do your worst, just don’t let what you’re doing bum out your neighbors and the public at large. If you got ‘em, smoke ‘em, just do it outside. If you’ve been to a bar that doesn’t allow smoking, it’s an amazing feeling to come home not smelling like ass and ashtray.
Extreme anti-smokers are lame. They are self righteous and act like someone let off a mustard gas canister when someone lights up. Fuck those people. This ban is not for them because they would never be caught in a bar in the first place. This is for people like me who enjoy the sometimes friendly confines of a bar and don’t want to breathe in someone else’s death.
So in this particular case, I’m thrilled that personal liberties are being taken away. Why? Because it makes it fair. I can now go out to a bar and not have some dickhead who’s smoking one cig after another, dictating my declining health. I’m doing that just fine on my own.
JR
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
American Hipsters: Your Taste is in Your Ass...Your Ass is in Your Taste
Savvy reader Delroy sent this link to some reviews that I just had to share. It pretty much sums up how I feel about it but as any good scavenger writer will do, I’m going to add my .02 cents.
Here’s the link: http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=3888 thanks Delroy.
I have to agree with the Radiohead comments. I loved Kid A, but they totally lost me with Amnesiac. Amnesiac sounded like out takes for Kid A and that just doesn’t fly when you’re supposed to be these alt-rock geniuses right? Kid A has all those “clicks and moans” the above review talks about but it was fresh and new then; a pretty wild departure from the brilliant OK Computer. And that’s what you want. You want your musicians to try new things and hopefully succeed. And they did with Kid A. But when Amnesiac rolled around, it sounded like more of the same. But they got a pass because they’re Radiohead.
So when Hail to the Thief came out, it sounded just slightly different than Amnesiac. Only the real diehard Radiohead fans (I know one who traveled to Spain to see them live) were getting behind it. I just found it to be confusing and boring.
So it’s pretty sad that Thom Yorke’s “solo” album is more of that same shit. I’m all for artistic expression, but when he’s just doing the same “beep, boop, click” shit, I just have to hang my head in shame. Does it mean that he’s so out of ideas that he just makes the same album over and over again? Unfortunately what’s going to happen is they’ll put out a full-on guitar album and every ass licking critic will say it’s a “return to form” or some other bullshit they read in a press kit.
Now Sonic Youth is another story. I don’t know what’s worse: the people who keep buying this crap, or the record companies who keep paying them to put it out. Let’s be honest here: Sonic Youth was never really that good. Sure they were pioneers and all that shit, but when it comes down to it, they kind of suck. They had a couple of good songs here and there, but can you honestly sit through and entire Sonic Youth album? I can’t.
Music sites like Pitchfork bend over for every Sonic Youth release and I can’t understand it. It’s kind of like the old high school quarterback from the small town who can do no wrong even though he’s fat, bald and hasn’t done shit since the state tournament in 1988. He never gets criticized just like Sonic Youth. And even though Sonic Youth isn’t raping women and getting away with it, they are raping your wallet if you keep buying their albums.
Keane? Well, they’re harmless right? Their music doesn’t make me want to kill, but it doesn’t move me in a positive way either. I think it’s pointless to waste words on them because by the time their third album rolls around, they will be a complete non-issue. I wish I could say the same for some of the others on this list.
Muse? I am at a loss. I seriously have never heard of this band and from what I read, I don’t want to know anything about them. I like to think I’m a little “up” on what music is out and about these days, but I am drawing a complete blank with Muse. I’m guessing though, and I could be wrong, that they don’t suck as bad as the next entry.
Suckjan Stevens. If you’ve read anything on here in the past couple of months, you’d know that I absolutely can’t stand Suckjan Stevens. The most overrated, over-hyped piece of stinky, hair infused dog turd that has ever graced the airwaves. And now he’s released out takes of his lame ass music. That’s like the director’s cut of Jersey Girl (a far worse Affleck film than Gigli); pointless and unbearable. Why do I need alternate versions of shit I already can’t stand? Ok sure, it’s not meant for me, but who in their right mind buys this? The writer makes the point that you don’t need this much out take offal even if you are a fan so who does this appeal to? I’ll tell you who. Weak hipsters, so desperate for cred, who will buy anything that makes them more appealing to other jerk offs who already bought into this like a Fox News zombie eating up false information like it was cum in the ass of an “All Anal All The Time” whore (just a (butt) plug for my favorite All Anal website).
Well, I’m relieved to know that somebody shares my same hefty hatred for some of the music that most (i.e. the dense record buying public) deem worthy and reputable. I guess if we all agreed it wouldn’t make for amusing commentary, so keep loving that shit America! I’ll be here waiting.
JR
Here’s the link: http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=3888 thanks Delroy.
I have to agree with the Radiohead comments. I loved Kid A, but they totally lost me with Amnesiac. Amnesiac sounded like out takes for Kid A and that just doesn’t fly when you’re supposed to be these alt-rock geniuses right? Kid A has all those “clicks and moans” the above review talks about but it was fresh and new then; a pretty wild departure from the brilliant OK Computer. And that’s what you want. You want your musicians to try new things and hopefully succeed. And they did with Kid A. But when Amnesiac rolled around, it sounded like more of the same. But they got a pass because they’re Radiohead.
So when Hail to the Thief came out, it sounded just slightly different than Amnesiac. Only the real diehard Radiohead fans (I know one who traveled to Spain to see them live) were getting behind it. I just found it to be confusing and boring.
So it’s pretty sad that Thom Yorke’s “solo” album is more of that same shit. I’m all for artistic expression, but when he’s just doing the same “beep, boop, click” shit, I just have to hang my head in shame. Does it mean that he’s so out of ideas that he just makes the same album over and over again? Unfortunately what’s going to happen is they’ll put out a full-on guitar album and every ass licking critic will say it’s a “return to form” or some other bullshit they read in a press kit.
Now Sonic Youth is another story. I don’t know what’s worse: the people who keep buying this crap, or the record companies who keep paying them to put it out. Let’s be honest here: Sonic Youth was never really that good. Sure they were pioneers and all that shit, but when it comes down to it, they kind of suck. They had a couple of good songs here and there, but can you honestly sit through and entire Sonic Youth album? I can’t.
Music sites like Pitchfork bend over for every Sonic Youth release and I can’t understand it. It’s kind of like the old high school quarterback from the small town who can do no wrong even though he’s fat, bald and hasn’t done shit since the state tournament in 1988. He never gets criticized just like Sonic Youth. And even though Sonic Youth isn’t raping women and getting away with it, they are raping your wallet if you keep buying their albums.
Keane? Well, they’re harmless right? Their music doesn’t make me want to kill, but it doesn’t move me in a positive way either. I think it’s pointless to waste words on them because by the time their third album rolls around, they will be a complete non-issue. I wish I could say the same for some of the others on this list.
Muse? I am at a loss. I seriously have never heard of this band and from what I read, I don’t want to know anything about them. I like to think I’m a little “up” on what music is out and about these days, but I am drawing a complete blank with Muse. I’m guessing though, and I could be wrong, that they don’t suck as bad as the next entry.
Suckjan Stevens. If you’ve read anything on here in the past couple of months, you’d know that I absolutely can’t stand Suckjan Stevens. The most overrated, over-hyped piece of stinky, hair infused dog turd that has ever graced the airwaves. And now he’s released out takes of his lame ass music. That’s like the director’s cut of Jersey Girl (a far worse Affleck film than Gigli); pointless and unbearable. Why do I need alternate versions of shit I already can’t stand? Ok sure, it’s not meant for me, but who in their right mind buys this? The writer makes the point that you don’t need this much out take offal even if you are a fan so who does this appeal to? I’ll tell you who. Weak hipsters, so desperate for cred, who will buy anything that makes them more appealing to other jerk offs who already bought into this like a Fox News zombie eating up false information like it was cum in the ass of an “All Anal All The Time” whore (just a (butt) plug for my favorite All Anal website).
Well, I’m relieved to know that somebody shares my same hefty hatred for some of the music that most (i.e. the dense record buying public) deem worthy and reputable. I guess if we all agreed it wouldn’t make for amusing commentary, so keep loving that shit America! I’ll be here waiting.
JR
Monday, June 19, 2006
Phil Mickelson and Adolph Hitler were out golfing one day...
I’m pretty sure most of you either don’t care or don’t know who Phil Mickelson is. Don’t know because he’s a golfer. Don’t care because he’s the epitome of the evil white man.
Golf sucks. Not the game itself, just the people who do it. Golf is a very hard, technically demanding sport that can be fun. I’ve golfed before and while it usually involved getting really high and giggling in the golf cart, it’s a fairly fun way to spend a couple of hours out doors.
But golf culture sucks. It’s all lame white guys with visible sticks up their asses, and lame black guys who act like lame white guys just because Tiger Woods, by sheer force of his talent, forced whitey to accept him. I’m not a Tiger Woods fan, but I love the fact that he crashed the party. But Tiger is just one of them. He’s an uptight white guy with brown skin. A total fucking pussy who swings a metal club and people get on their knees to blow him wherever he goes.
If Dennis Rodman was as good a golfer as he was a rebounder, the white golfer wouldn’t have accepted him like they do Tiger Woods. Tiger was one of them from an early age and that made it easy for whitey to accept him. The fact that he’s one of the greatest golfers in the world didn’t hurt either. Dennis Rodman would have beat up somebody in the gallery and pissed in the 7th hole by now.
Golf culture sucks because it’s one of those things that tons of people do because they have to. It’s good for business, it’s what you do when you live in the suburbs, and it’s what you do if you want to belong. It’s very rigid and if you’re not doing something right, some asshole will be on you telling you what you’re doing wrong. One time we got yelled at for going to slow. We had just gotten done smoking a big doobie and I thought we were busted. But the only heinous act we had committed was moving too slow (because we sucked, not because we were stoned….or did we suck because we were stoned?) and this jerk let us have it. Golf is like the last bastion of the ol’ boy network. Maybe they can’t be outwardly racist (Tiger wouldn’t say anything regardless because an endorsement might be at stake), but they sure can make you play by their rules. And that’s cool, I just won’t participate anymore. Keep your expensive sport and keep your shitty clothes. Keep your inane small talk and shove your cheap sense of superiority back in your ball bag. I’m not playing anymore.
But what I have been playing for the last couple of years is miniature golf. Here you have all the fun and technical challenges of golf, but in a much cheaper, less hostile environment. Sure you can’t smoke dope and drink beer on the course, but you sure can in the car before hand. Miniature golf just plain fucking rules.
And despite the great courses most mini golf places offer, when you’re done, you can go drive some laps in a go cart. Can’t say the same for the Mr. Stick-in-the-ass golf course can you? Mini golf is where it’s at. All the competition, twice the attitude and none of the lame clothing and evil white guys…well, I’ve been called an evil white guy after I’ve laid a whuppin’ on some ass in mini golf but that’s for another time.
Which brings me to my original point: Phil Mickelson. Mickelson just blew some huge golfing tournament and he’s all over the sports news for choking yet again. Yeah, I don’t care either, but I do, from time to time, have to be subjected to Mickelson’s face on my TV and/or sports related website, so I felt I needed to say something about him. If you’ve never seen him, go and look at him after you’re done reading this. He’s the epitome of the evil white guy. Look up “evil white guy” in the dictionary and you’ll find Mickelson alongside Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and Adolph Hitler. The smugness of his face and the dead, reptilian gaze of his eyes are the stuff of nightmares for people of color all over the world. I shudder when I see him and I’m a big time honky!
I’m sure there are people in various ethnic groups who see one of their own and get bummed out because of how that person represents them as a people. Phil Mickelson is that person for me. I’m sure he was a slave owner in a past life and only puts up with Tiger Woods because Tiger routinely kicks the crap out of him.
Enough golf. Jesus how could I even write that much about it? Eww. I feel kind of dirty. I can only imagine how you feel. I’m going to try and write about the World Cup because it’s great…you might even say “I’m World Cup Crazy.” I’m not one of those American douche bags that will pump up soccer just to make the fat, lazy American sports fan mad, but I do believe the World Cup is a pretty awesome spectacle. More on that later.
JR
Golf sucks. Not the game itself, just the people who do it. Golf is a very hard, technically demanding sport that can be fun. I’ve golfed before and while it usually involved getting really high and giggling in the golf cart, it’s a fairly fun way to spend a couple of hours out doors.
But golf culture sucks. It’s all lame white guys with visible sticks up their asses, and lame black guys who act like lame white guys just because Tiger Woods, by sheer force of his talent, forced whitey to accept him. I’m not a Tiger Woods fan, but I love the fact that he crashed the party. But Tiger is just one of them. He’s an uptight white guy with brown skin. A total fucking pussy who swings a metal club and people get on their knees to blow him wherever he goes.
If Dennis Rodman was as good a golfer as he was a rebounder, the white golfer wouldn’t have accepted him like they do Tiger Woods. Tiger was one of them from an early age and that made it easy for whitey to accept him. The fact that he’s one of the greatest golfers in the world didn’t hurt either. Dennis Rodman would have beat up somebody in the gallery and pissed in the 7th hole by now.
Golf culture sucks because it’s one of those things that tons of people do because they have to. It’s good for business, it’s what you do when you live in the suburbs, and it’s what you do if you want to belong. It’s very rigid and if you’re not doing something right, some asshole will be on you telling you what you’re doing wrong. One time we got yelled at for going to slow. We had just gotten done smoking a big doobie and I thought we were busted. But the only heinous act we had committed was moving too slow (because we sucked, not because we were stoned….or did we suck because we were stoned?) and this jerk let us have it. Golf is like the last bastion of the ol’ boy network. Maybe they can’t be outwardly racist (Tiger wouldn’t say anything regardless because an endorsement might be at stake), but they sure can make you play by their rules. And that’s cool, I just won’t participate anymore. Keep your expensive sport and keep your shitty clothes. Keep your inane small talk and shove your cheap sense of superiority back in your ball bag. I’m not playing anymore.
But what I have been playing for the last couple of years is miniature golf. Here you have all the fun and technical challenges of golf, but in a much cheaper, less hostile environment. Sure you can’t smoke dope and drink beer on the course, but you sure can in the car before hand. Miniature golf just plain fucking rules.
And despite the great courses most mini golf places offer, when you’re done, you can go drive some laps in a go cart. Can’t say the same for the Mr. Stick-in-the-ass golf course can you? Mini golf is where it’s at. All the competition, twice the attitude and none of the lame clothing and evil white guys…well, I’ve been called an evil white guy after I’ve laid a whuppin’ on some ass in mini golf but that’s for another time.
Which brings me to my original point: Phil Mickelson. Mickelson just blew some huge golfing tournament and he’s all over the sports news for choking yet again. Yeah, I don’t care either, but I do, from time to time, have to be subjected to Mickelson’s face on my TV and/or sports related website, so I felt I needed to say something about him. If you’ve never seen him, go and look at him after you’re done reading this. He’s the epitome of the evil white guy. Look up “evil white guy” in the dictionary and you’ll find Mickelson alongside Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and Adolph Hitler. The smugness of his face and the dead, reptilian gaze of his eyes are the stuff of nightmares for people of color all over the world. I shudder when I see him and I’m a big time honky!
I’m sure there are people in various ethnic groups who see one of their own and get bummed out because of how that person represents them as a people. Phil Mickelson is that person for me. I’m sure he was a slave owner in a past life and only puts up with Tiger Woods because Tiger routinely kicks the crap out of him.
Enough golf. Jesus how could I even write that much about it? Eww. I feel kind of dirty. I can only imagine how you feel. I’m going to try and write about the World Cup because it’s great…you might even say “I’m World Cup Crazy.” I’m not one of those American douche bags that will pump up soccer just to make the fat, lazy American sports fan mad, but I do believe the World Cup is a pretty awesome spectacle. More on that later.
JR
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Chappelle, I miss you
Just a note on some funny shit.
I caught an old Chappelle's Show last night. Old because there aren't any new ones being made.
There are a lot of funny moments from Dave's show but the one that was on last night made me laugh out loud. Now, I've seen this one probably five times, and yet I busted up.
The Negrodamus skit where the black Nostrodamus gives a studio audience his predictions was on and it contains two outstanding jokes. The first one, asked by an audience member goes, "Negrodamus, why is George Bush so sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?" Negrodamus calmly looks at the camera and says, "because he has the reciept." It's the perfect joke.
The second follows right after it. Another audience member asks Negrodamus, "what will happen to Star Jones on the view?"
Negrodamus, with the delivery of an assassin says, "Star Jones will still host the view. Then she will take her wig off and do the weather."
Like I said, I've seen it at least five times and I still burst out laughing. if ypu like Chappelle, you've probably laughed too. It's brilliant comedy writing and I hope Dave gets back to it somehow, some way.
In the meantime, I'm going to rent Dave's Block Party and wait for the comeback. It sure does feel good to laugh. Thanks Dave.
JR
I caught an old Chappelle's Show last night. Old because there aren't any new ones being made.
There are a lot of funny moments from Dave's show but the one that was on last night made me laugh out loud. Now, I've seen this one probably five times, and yet I busted up.
The Negrodamus skit where the black Nostrodamus gives a studio audience his predictions was on and it contains two outstanding jokes. The first one, asked by an audience member goes, "Negrodamus, why is George Bush so sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?" Negrodamus calmly looks at the camera and says, "because he has the reciept." It's the perfect joke.
The second follows right after it. Another audience member asks Negrodamus, "what will happen to Star Jones on the view?"
Negrodamus, with the delivery of an assassin says, "Star Jones will still host the view. Then she will take her wig off and do the weather."
Like I said, I've seen it at least five times and I still burst out laughing. if ypu like Chappelle, you've probably laughed too. It's brilliant comedy writing and I hope Dave gets back to it somehow, some way.
In the meantime, I'm going to rent Dave's Block Party and wait for the comeback. It sure does feel good to laugh. Thanks Dave.
JR
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Anne Coulter: Conservative Seductress or Shrieking Ugly Skank?
I guess if I have nothing to write about, I don’t force it. Sure, I could write several pages on how much I hate Katie Couric, but it’s kind of pushing it don’t you think? Don’t misunderstand me here, I DO hate Katie Couric. Her muppet-like face with skin stretched too tight over her skull turns my stomach every time I see her. She’s the epitome of smug whiteness and I was compelled recently to write about her because she was on the TV so damn much.
But that was relevant a couple weeks ago, and in true fashion, if I don’t jump on it right away, writing about it ends up having the allure of putting one of my balls in a shop vice. I just don’t “go there” “girlfriend.” (As a straight man you have to put “girlfriend” in quotes, otherwise you’re broadcasting to the world your gayness. I’ve broadcasted my “anus” many times to the world, but I digress.)
If it doesn’t actually move me to write about it, it’s just not worth it. And while my hatred for Katie Couric’s lame smugness does get me riled up, it didn’t get me to the computer. Anne Coulter did however, and I’m sure she likes it that way.
Let me preface this all by saying that I know she’s just a whore for attention. The only reason she said what she said about the 9/11 Widows is to promote her new book. I know how it goes; I’ve employed this tactic many times myself. Radio people do it too. They throw out a ridiculous statement and the calls come flooding in. It’s smart if you’re dumb enough to buy into it. See how that works?
Anne Coulter, aside from being incredibly ugly, is so starved for attention and so willing to do anything to promote herself, will take even the most ridiculous of stances to squeeze every last dime and every last ounce of attention she can get thrown her way. Yeah, sure, it’s the American way, but it doesn’t make it any less obnoxious.
She’s ugly as a rubber Halloween mask left over in a bargain bin but it’s really her tone and demeanor that make her as offensive as she is. There’s nothing worse than a man or woman who are so upset about their own opinion, that their faces become twisted, horrid masks as they speak. Coulter is exactly like that. Her eyes bulge from their deep sockets and the veins stand out in her neck. You should be this passionate about something important like anal bleaching; Coulter gets this way over “liberals” acting like the wankers they are. Why is this surprising and upsetting?
The “liberal” tag is soooo 2004. When I hear someone railing against “liberals” it’s like I’m hearing a dumb catchphrase from the 90’s. Have you ever heard Carson Daly say something like “Krunk?” Yeah, it’s painful. You feel sorry for him and you’re pissed off because you know how passé and awkward it all is. That’s how I feel when someone like Anne Coulter says the word “liberal.” It’s so paranoid sounding when she says it, you could put “communist” in there and you’d have time traveled back to the future like Calvin Klein….I mean Marty McFly. Back to the Future was on cable recently and I watched it like three times.
Liberals are lame. I’ll agree with that even though I’ve voted for the democratic candidate ever since I could vote. They suck. They are spineless and can’t get anything done because they haven’t adopted the hard line, ‘with us or against us’ attitude the folks across the aisle have. They are seen as weak because, well, they kind of are, and the only thing people respect is cramming your own beliefs down other people’s throats.
With that said, the “conservatives” (doesn’t quite have the bad connotation that liberal does huh?) are worse. They are stuck in their ways, psychotic war mongers who respect money and power above anything else. All the while pretending they are righteous and believe in this magical entity that will take them all up to heaven any day now. They are intrinsically racist in their policies and do everything in their power to make the rich richer and make the poor keep buying a bunch of shit they don’t need. I can respect someone standing up for what they believe and not wavering, but when you’re a hypocritical asshole, it kind of loses its romantic appeal.
So how you can attack one of them and not the other is beyond me. I’m sure at a basic level, Coulter may have a point or two about “liberals.” It’s easy though. So why won’t she take it to the other guy? You know they fuck up just as worse and have caused way more damage then their wimpy counterparts. It’s because Coulter has a fan base of stupid, scared, misinformed, closet racists who would open their legs to their cousin before they’d open their minds to an alternate belief system.
Coulter is the political equivalent to a hip hop feud. It’s ridiculous, pointless and only designed to sell more product. Someone will get hurt (hopefully Coulter) and most rational people look at it and can’t believe how stupid it is. If more people would realize that this is a white people version of Tupac and Biggie, no one would take this horrible human seriously.
Which brings me to what Coulter said about the 9/11 Widows. Because of their political affiliation, Coulter ragged on these women for milking their stardom. She said that we shouldn’t take what happened to them as an excuse for their “liberalism” or some shit like that. Ok sure. I’m never one to let a tragedy excuse someone’s behavior. Being from Colorado, we saw a lot of “milking it” because of the Columbine massacre and I was front and center giving it to the people who were the biggest offenders. But if someone is being an asshole, let them know they’re being an asshole, don’t bring political affiliation into it. Who cares? If a 9/11 Widow is critical of Bush, (they probably has a point considering how Bush either caused or let 9/11 happen) debate her on the issues (ha) do you really need to bring liberalism into it? Coulter speaks out of both sides of her mouth. One side she says they’re wrong for using their tragedy to push a liberal agenda. From the other side, the…uh…good side?…she pushes her conservative agenda by hyping this up way more than anyone cares.
Did you even know anything about this until she opened her trap? I didn’t. It’s like she sat around and thought, “hmmm, what group can I attack that will cause the most controversy, but I can back up by saying ‘liberal’ a whole lot? Those 9/11 Bitches all voted for Kerry, I think I’ll fuck with them!”
And that’s what it comes down to. A lot of people will be pissed off that she attacked the 9/11 Widows and Coulter will claim they’re fair game when they start to voice their opinion in the political area. I would actually agree with her on that. But this retard is just promoting a book and she got all the attention she wanted from this statement. I feel cheap and used for even talking about this…kind of like I got drunk at a party and Coulter felt me up in the bathroom…..ewww.
I think this will (hopefully) backfire on this troll for the simple fact that everyone still holds 9/11 as sacred. This will only confuse the conservative fan base because most of these people will bend over backwards and lick their own ass to put a bumper sticker proclaiming “Never Forget 9/11!” on their SUV. If they get behind Coulter on this, then I’ll know the End Times are coming.
If you open your mouth be prepared to have someone’s foot shoved in it no matter who you are or what you’ve gone through. What Coulter can’t get through her obviously Skeletor-like thick skull is that conservatives should be judged by the same rules. My foot is ready Anne, open wide you shrieking ugly skank.
JR
But that was relevant a couple weeks ago, and in true fashion, if I don’t jump on it right away, writing about it ends up having the allure of putting one of my balls in a shop vice. I just don’t “go there” “girlfriend.” (As a straight man you have to put “girlfriend” in quotes, otherwise you’re broadcasting to the world your gayness. I’ve broadcasted my “anus” many times to the world, but I digress.)
If it doesn’t actually move me to write about it, it’s just not worth it. And while my hatred for Katie Couric’s lame smugness does get me riled up, it didn’t get me to the computer. Anne Coulter did however, and I’m sure she likes it that way.
Let me preface this all by saying that I know she’s just a whore for attention. The only reason she said what she said about the 9/11 Widows is to promote her new book. I know how it goes; I’ve employed this tactic many times myself. Radio people do it too. They throw out a ridiculous statement and the calls come flooding in. It’s smart if you’re dumb enough to buy into it. See how that works?
Anne Coulter, aside from being incredibly ugly, is so starved for attention and so willing to do anything to promote herself, will take even the most ridiculous of stances to squeeze every last dime and every last ounce of attention she can get thrown her way. Yeah, sure, it’s the American way, but it doesn’t make it any less obnoxious.
She’s ugly as a rubber Halloween mask left over in a bargain bin but it’s really her tone and demeanor that make her as offensive as she is. There’s nothing worse than a man or woman who are so upset about their own opinion, that their faces become twisted, horrid masks as they speak. Coulter is exactly like that. Her eyes bulge from their deep sockets and the veins stand out in her neck. You should be this passionate about something important like anal bleaching; Coulter gets this way over “liberals” acting like the wankers they are. Why is this surprising and upsetting?
The “liberal” tag is soooo 2004. When I hear someone railing against “liberals” it’s like I’m hearing a dumb catchphrase from the 90’s. Have you ever heard Carson Daly say something like “Krunk?” Yeah, it’s painful. You feel sorry for him and you’re pissed off because you know how passé and awkward it all is. That’s how I feel when someone like Anne Coulter says the word “liberal.” It’s so paranoid sounding when she says it, you could put “communist” in there and you’d have time traveled back to the future like Calvin Klein….I mean Marty McFly. Back to the Future was on cable recently and I watched it like three times.
Liberals are lame. I’ll agree with that even though I’ve voted for the democratic candidate ever since I could vote. They suck. They are spineless and can’t get anything done because they haven’t adopted the hard line, ‘with us or against us’ attitude the folks across the aisle have. They are seen as weak because, well, they kind of are, and the only thing people respect is cramming your own beliefs down other people’s throats.
With that said, the “conservatives” (doesn’t quite have the bad connotation that liberal does huh?) are worse. They are stuck in their ways, psychotic war mongers who respect money and power above anything else. All the while pretending they are righteous and believe in this magical entity that will take them all up to heaven any day now. They are intrinsically racist in their policies and do everything in their power to make the rich richer and make the poor keep buying a bunch of shit they don’t need. I can respect someone standing up for what they believe and not wavering, but when you’re a hypocritical asshole, it kind of loses its romantic appeal.
So how you can attack one of them and not the other is beyond me. I’m sure at a basic level, Coulter may have a point or two about “liberals.” It’s easy though. So why won’t she take it to the other guy? You know they fuck up just as worse and have caused way more damage then their wimpy counterparts. It’s because Coulter has a fan base of stupid, scared, misinformed, closet racists who would open their legs to their cousin before they’d open their minds to an alternate belief system.
Coulter is the political equivalent to a hip hop feud. It’s ridiculous, pointless and only designed to sell more product. Someone will get hurt (hopefully Coulter) and most rational people look at it and can’t believe how stupid it is. If more people would realize that this is a white people version of Tupac and Biggie, no one would take this horrible human seriously.
Which brings me to what Coulter said about the 9/11 Widows. Because of their political affiliation, Coulter ragged on these women for milking their stardom. She said that we shouldn’t take what happened to them as an excuse for their “liberalism” or some shit like that. Ok sure. I’m never one to let a tragedy excuse someone’s behavior. Being from Colorado, we saw a lot of “milking it” because of the Columbine massacre and I was front and center giving it to the people who were the biggest offenders. But if someone is being an asshole, let them know they’re being an asshole, don’t bring political affiliation into it. Who cares? If a 9/11 Widow is critical of Bush, (they probably has a point considering how Bush either caused or let 9/11 happen) debate her on the issues (ha) do you really need to bring liberalism into it? Coulter speaks out of both sides of her mouth. One side she says they’re wrong for using their tragedy to push a liberal agenda. From the other side, the…uh…good side?…she pushes her conservative agenda by hyping this up way more than anyone cares.
Did you even know anything about this until she opened her trap? I didn’t. It’s like she sat around and thought, “hmmm, what group can I attack that will cause the most controversy, but I can back up by saying ‘liberal’ a whole lot? Those 9/11 Bitches all voted for Kerry, I think I’ll fuck with them!”
And that’s what it comes down to. A lot of people will be pissed off that she attacked the 9/11 Widows and Coulter will claim they’re fair game when they start to voice their opinion in the political area. I would actually agree with her on that. But this retard is just promoting a book and she got all the attention she wanted from this statement. I feel cheap and used for even talking about this…kind of like I got drunk at a party and Coulter felt me up in the bathroom…..ewww.
I think this will (hopefully) backfire on this troll for the simple fact that everyone still holds 9/11 as sacred. This will only confuse the conservative fan base because most of these people will bend over backwards and lick their own ass to put a bumper sticker proclaiming “Never Forget 9/11!” on their SUV. If they get behind Coulter on this, then I’ll know the End Times are coming.
If you open your mouth be prepared to have someone’s foot shoved in it no matter who you are or what you’ve gone through. What Coulter can’t get through her obviously Skeletor-like thick skull is that conservatives should be judged by the same rules. My foot is ready Anne, open wide you shrieking ugly skank.
JR
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