Past Dalliances with the Doritos Bag

I’ve been catching Honey We’re Killing the Kids lately and it’s disturbing. The show takes an out of control family of fat asses and shows them what their kids will look like at 40, if they continue on the path they’re on.

Now, these are your average American, dumpy knob heads who pump their kids full of crap to shut them up, eat all the same shit themselves and haven’t touched each others genitals together in a long, long time. And not like they would want to anyway. Most of these people are so fat and unattractive, they make smashing your cock with a meat tenderizer seem deliciously erotic. They are boring and dumb. Just like all the stupid fucking assholes who paid money to see Robin Williams’ RV this past weekend.

So they evaluate the family and give them the rundown on what they’re doing wrong. No, dummy, you shouldn’t let your kids eat cookies all night and then let them pound soda like Tara Reid just heard someone say "open bar." And yes, your huge, fat son shouldn’t be allowed to play video games all day, stuffing his face with hot pockets when he could be playing outside…you know, simple stuff.

Reality hits when the parents are shown, through the wonders of morphing technology, just what the kids will look like at 40. Now, I’m not talking about a kid morphing into a fat adult. No. It’s more like an overweight kid morphing into a homeless serial killer with a penchant for cheeseburgers, fucking corpses and bad flavored vodka.

I mean, I know and you know that these kids won’t be pretty if they continue to eat junk, drink soda, and sit on their asses, but man, they look fucking scary when the morphing happens. Their skin is ruddy and their hair is thin and greasy like the dude on the corner talking to himself while wearing a nasty pair of stained pants. And I’m talking stained in the ass because he’s been shitting himself kind of nasty.

This is what the expert on the show wants the parents to think their poor child will look like if they continue to raise their kid like one of Paris Hilton’s pets. It may be a bit much but it gets a point across: the majority of Americans are living a very unhealthy lifestyle and they don’t even know it. And, by raising their kids this way, they are creating a generation of monsters that you only see out of the corner of your eye while making your way through the grimy, creepy city.

But now instead of the stinky ass nut case loitering near a liquor store on Colfax, these people will be loitering near the Chili’s out by your Mom’s house.

It’s not a bad show, because I always like anything that teaches a dumb, fat American family a lesson they should already know. But that’s not what why I found it disturbing.

Why I found Honey We’re Killing the Kids disturbing is because I thought about myself…imagine that. I thought, “if they took a picture of me at 10 years old and morphed me according to the criteria they have set up on the show, would I be staring at an exact replica of what I look like right now?”

I shuddered when I thought about it. I ate nothing but shit growing up. I drank tons of soda, ate Doritos and all sorts of bad crap. I stopped eating McDonalds around 24 or 25 years old but I ate plenty of other rancid fast food since. I did start eating healthy around that same time, but counteracted it with so much booze, acid, mushrooms and weed that I could have sent three people to rehab with my farts.

Would I look like my horrible morph had this technology been in play when I was a kid?

Thankfully, I’m still pretty good looking (ha). My hair ain’t coming back, but my skin doesn’t look like a guy’s who just slept in an alley of piss off of Larimer (the gross part of Larimer, not the nice, happy white people part) and I could still probably pass for someone who has a job, a roof over his head and eats a salad a couple times a week, and not the guy who ran up to me the other day and screamed, “Hey! You on the cocaine train!” And then wandered off talking to himself and smacking his own chest with his fist. Or the guy we found passed out with his pants down and a big dried turd hanging out of his ass. The kids on Honey We’re Killing the Kids looked like them. Turds and all.

Check back in a few years, I may finally achieve that level of homeless chic with hard work and past dalliances with the Doritos bag alone.

JR