Friday, August 24, 2007

Fall Out Boys sucks my Butthole: How to drive traffic to your website or blog

I wrote a piece about Fall Out Boy sucking a long, long time ago (Selling Out: Fall Out Boy...a one man band?) and I’ve been getting all sorts of crybaby 14 year olds writing in to tell me I’m wrong and that I “obviously don't know the meaning to their lyrics.”

Well, I do understand Fall Out Boy. I understand its fans at least. Anyone claiming to love this band and who would go to such great lengths to reply to a random post with such nonsense like their lyrics “are probably too deep for your puny, little minds to understand” should never be taken seriously in such matters like music. Maybe in matters like which Dorito flavor is best, but not music.

They are also the non-makeup and slightly less bad skin equivalent to any fan of any variation of the Insane Clown Posse. Yes, that’s right: by proclaiming your love of Fall Out Boy, you just lumped yourselves in with that stinky breed of music fan that, no matter how bad the music is, you’ll ride it straight into the ground until it either becomes totally uncool to like it or you become too old to be forgiven for liking that particular brand of shit. If you’re a 28 year old Fall Out Boy fan, you have no excuse and will be that creepy dude at the 2012 reunion show who no one wants to look in the eye.

But don’t take my words for it, here’s what some Fall Out Boy fans have to say about it!

Anonymous said...

“If they have shitty music, then why did you spend all that time complaining about them? All they want is your attention and apparently, they are getting it. So what if they make bad music, they only want every eye on them, and I will agree that Pete Wentz, (the man at the front of the pictures) is selling out. But I don't blame him. As much as I LOVE Fall Out Boy, it will not last forever, so when it all ends, he will still bring home money from his clothing line and record label. People like you don't matter at all when it comes to Fall Out Boy. They have their fan base and as long as they do, the will continue to make what you would say, bad music as long as they can. And Mr. Wentz writes amazing songs. So you know, I am a 14-year-old emo Fall Out Boy fan.”

14 year olds don’t know shit about music. We all know this. If Fall Out Boy’s fanbase is made up entirely of 14 year olds, can they really be taken seriously? If you want to sell cell phones they can be! Hey you adolescent dunce, please do some research on “emo” before you call yourself that. Fall Out Boy might be wusses, but they are not emo. Calling the punk rock Backstreet Boys “emo” is an insult to the true emo bands of yore. i.e. 80’s D.C. music scene.

and this one:

Anonymous said...

you know what? Fuck you all!FOB actually has very good songs that are probably too deep for your puny, little minds to understand.


Fall Out At The Disco said:

wow you people no nothing. well most of you. fall out boy is a fucking good band. you obviously don't know the meaning to their lyrics...cause they are definatly not for little kids. So what if im 14 and i do kno 27 year olds that listen to them. If pete said anything negative about jocks people like that he was probably talking about highschool. And it's not like he chooses to be in the front all the time. Photographers put him there. They're not just about money. They give back so much. They went to Africa(might still be there)for Invisible Children. If you don't know what that is...look it up. They love their fans and they probably do know that a lot of fans are around 14 but that nots it. My mom likes some of their music. AND IF YOU DON'T FUCKING LISTEN TO FALL OUT BOY OR CARE ABOUT THEM IN ANY WAY THEN WHY THE FUCK WASTE YOUR TIME WRITING THIS! Yes I'm 14. This age discrimination shit is stupid. Their music helps so many people including me get through some things because their music makes me smile and I know they're there for us and we'll always be here for them. They don't deserve shit like this from people like you. They've worked hard to come to where they are today. I think I've said all I need to say.

Not only is this douchebag another 14 know-it-all, but their blogspot name is “Fall Out At The Disco” which leads me to believe that they are not only a fan of Fall Out Boy but the even worse band, Panic at the Disco….my god they suck. I could write 1,000 words on how bad they are alone, but this is about Fall Out Boy so…if the majority of people who buy these records and go to the shows are 14…I think that makes them a kiddie band. If a 27 year old likes them, well, that person is a socially retarded moron. They might have started out as one thing, but once they discovered who was buying records and tickets, they opened up the throttle and never looked back. It’s ok to be a teeny bopper band, just admit it. By the way, it’s great that someone does charity work, but it doesn’t make someone a better person and it certainly doesn’t make their music better. 99% of the time it’s a PR move. Charity by famous people is suspect at best. Have you given to Invisible Children from your allowance? Probably not.

Here’s a gem:

Anonymous said...
they know what they are. or at least they used to. after all, before fall out boy they used to play in hardcore bands and decided to make a pop punk band for a laugh. I think pete wentz just takes himself too seriously these days and likes to pretend they're more than they are and that he's more than he is.

If Fall Out Boy were in “hardcore” bands and “decided to make a pop punk band for a laugh” I’ll lick the drummer’s (he’s not called Pete Wentz) balls. So, guess what? I’m not licking anyone’s balls because what this dummy said is laughably not true. You gotta be a real sell out to have played in “hardcore” bands and then come up with this shit “as a joke.” So which one is it? It’s very convenient that the band they are now was a “joke” band until it became successful. Really? That’s your explanation? That is seriously the most pathetic excuse since Pete Wentz woke up with Ashley Simpson’s cock in his ass.

Anonymous said...
wow you seriusly have no life why waste your time on writing about a band you hate so much? especially if u have no logic of the things they do yes i am a fall out boy fan and i do think they are a great band despite what u say i think that ur whole age thing is crazy i know plenty of people over the age of 14! who like this band and yes im over the age of 14 and you saying that they will only last a couple more years is crazy incase u didnt know theyre doing well with theyre recodrs theyre not just a one hit wonder band that only apeals to "little kids"

Really? Are you sure you’re over 14? Your amazing grasp of the English language tells me otherwise. You must be 15 or 16 which is exactly what Fall Out Boy’s accountant told them is their target demographic. Don't forget to buy a cell phone please.

Liv said...
Fall Out Boy is not a boy band, dude. Okay, N'Sync and Backstreet Boys, etc, they're boy bands. They have five "hot" guys that all have "swooning" voices. Those are boy bands.

Have you seen Fall Out Boy? Patrick Stump, I think a pretty good song writer, is kinda chubby and c'mon, your first impresssion: "Nerd!" [No doubt, I fucking love Patrick Stump]
Pete Wentz, yah he's of course the hotty of the band and bi. If there were five of him, then i would say "yah they are kinda of a boy band"
Andy. Andy an awesome drummer is a nerdy looking guy with tats that kill. His hair is shaggy and he has a little beard.

And for god sakes, JOE TROHMAN! His look totally goes against boy band. His beard and little white afro makes him look like he smokes weed once a month, haha.

So dude, don't call Fall Out Boy a boy band.

Oh man! I forgot about JOE TROHMAN! How could I have been so stupid. If I had just thought of JOE TROHMAN before I wrote this, I would have had a different perspective. Seriously, JOE TROHMAN could just be a made up name. The whole point of the original post is that no one knows anyone in this band other than that sneering monkey name Pete Wentz. If the record company had their way, it would be Wentz performing live and in the videos with a bunch of robots or hot models. No one cares about the rest of those ugly bastards because at this point, they don’t matter. JOE TROHMAN DOESN’T MATTER. PATRICK STUMP DOESN’T MATTER. WHOEVER ELSE IS IN THE BAND DOESN’T MATTER.

This is a one man band, loved by children and totally over hyped. They might as well be The Wiggles, but I can’t say that because I have so much more respect for The Wiggles, I can’t degrade them by comparing them to these talentless assholes. Put on a some pretty colored outfits Fall Out Boy and we’ll talk. And for all you Defenders of Fall Out Boy (DoFOB if you wanna use that), you should check out High School Musical; it may lack the eyeliner and designer hoodies, but it’s no different from your Fall Out Boy…it’s just as shitty and corporate…and made specifically for teenagers.

Thanks for writing. You’re starting high school soon, so hit the books. Check out John Lydon's Rotten: No Irish, No Blacks, No Dogs for an example of someone who actually busted his ass for his music. Pete Wentz is George Michael compared to John Lydon.


Trent Reznor opens his mouth and shit DOESN'T fall out

I never, ever thought I’d have something in common with Trent Reznor, but lo and behold, ol’ Trent actually had something good to say.

Sure it was about the Smashing Pumpkins (an easy target), but nevertheless, I was pleased that he sees it my way. Here’s what I had to say about Billy and co. in the print issue of War Time Smile, and here’s what Trent had to say:

Reznor told NME.COM: "I was never a big Smashing Pumpkins fan back when they were the Pumpkins, not to shit on Billy (Corgan) or anything but I don't hear anything that would make me want to care.

"I think trying to resurrect the name Smashing Pumpkins .........its all a bit corporate for me."

Awesome. I couldn’t agree more Trent. I guess one washed up 90’s icon knows another.

Here’s the link:


Thursday, July 26, 2007

Website Updated for all you out-of-towner downers

The War Time Smile website has been updated, finally, with the content from the issue.

I still have two things to add, but this should get you over the hump for now.

The site is VERY basic because it's been awhile since I've done some web work and I don't care for flash embedded bullshit with video uplink to your ass anymore. Just give me the fucking information.

God damn do I hate video on news sites!!! If I want to watch video, I'll go watch it. But when I'm trying to read a story, I just want the info. I can get the info far quicker by actually reading then having to sit through CNN's gimpy video feed. Jesus....but I digress.

Check out the site. Comment on it and look for a new issue in September....oh yeah,


Thursday, June 21, 2007

It's Out on the Streets Like a Colfax...well, you know

The issue is done and delivered to your favorite hot spots. If it isn't, let me know and I'll get some there.

If you don't live in Denver, the website will be updated soon with most of the content from the issue. If you do live in Denver, let us know how we did....and yes, I know there are spelling errors so don't bother with that nonsense.


Thursday, June 07, 2007

gettin' the issue back together

It's pretty strange putting a magazine together after nearly four years hiatus.
I absolutely love laying the mag out, putting the pieces together and seeing it take shape. I'm not the greatest at it, but it's something that I truly enjoy doing.

It's strange because I honestly didn't think I would ever do it again. After doing the Hooligan for so long, I really felt that I had laid out my last issue when we released the Hooligan 10 year anniversary issue back in 03. But the Call of Ktulu went out again, and I answered.

I don't know, it may just end up like it always does: more trouble than it's worth and a total pain in the ass, but like I said, if laying the mag out gives me that ol' feeling, I can only imagine what getting the issue out on the street will be like...not to mention that first flurry of hate mail we will most definitely receive.

Oh yeah, can't wait for that.

So, if you care, the issue is coming along nicely and should be out around June 15th. More as it develops.


Tuesday, May 29, 2007

here's an UPDATE for ya....

War Time Smile is going retro and putting out a print version.

It will be available all over Denver and feature all the groovy shit you've come to expect from your ol' pal Reidy.

It will be a lot like The Hooligan and in fact the working title was SSDN, or Same Shit Different Name. I still think you'll like it.

More details to follow. The issue will be out soon. Let me know if you have questions or you want to throw money at us.


Monday, March 19, 2007

Weekly Wrap Up

All of Iran is furious over the movie 300. The film, which depicts a small Spartan army kicking the ass of the massive Persian army, has gotten the Iranians all mad because it depicts the Persians as blood thirsty barbarians. They are claiming the movie is just another attempt by America to make Iran look bad.

Here’s a news flash for you Iran: 98% of the drooling retards who went and soaked up the homoerotic bloodbath that is 300, have no idea that Persia is now Iran. To the average movie goer (a slack mouthed gaper), Persia is the setting of a video games and cartoons they spend hours watching while eating their weight in Combos.

So quit crying Iran. If you just stuck with your already narrow (and somewhat true) view of Americans, you wouldn’t have your feelings hurt by a bunch of douches who couldn’t find Chicago on a map, let alone Iran.

Reign over Me starring Adam Sandler in bad Bob Dylan wig, desperately trying to be taken seriously is currently on the top of my list of lame ass shit.

Sandler plays some schlub whose family died in 9/11 (ooh! I feel the tears being jerked right out of me!) and how he gets his life back by re-connecting with an old friend.

If Sandler plays anything but a half retarded moron, he’s a complete joke, ironically enough. I understand why as an actor he wants to branch out, but after several blind stabs at “serious” acting (the horrible “Punch Drunk Love” and the ball smashingly bad “Spanglish”), he’s come up with nothing more than hot diarrhea in a dirty sock.

It’s not working Adam. Go count your money and crank out your bread and butter, numbskull comedy every once in awhile and everything will be fine. Beating me over the head with 9/11 and some formulaic crap about finding redemption in an unfair world only makes me wish your “serious acting” died in 9/11 as well. Jim Carrey called and he wants you to know he’s got the market cornered on crappy, serious movies that no one wants to see him in.

I don’t like college basketball. I don’t like college sports at all, and most circles, that’s tantamount to saying I’d blow Osama Bin Laden for all that he’s done for America. So, you can imagine that this time of year you can’t fart without poop misting some nerd talking about the NCAA basketball tournament. It truly is a real pain in my balls.

I’m sure there are some good games, but college sports suck because I can’t really get excited about a team I have no connection to. If you went to Georgetown or grew up in the town of one of these colleges, I can’t bag on you for being a fan. But listening to grown men lament over their “bracket” is getting so old, I’d almost rather watch a “serious” Adam Sandler movie…followed up by a serious Jim Carrey movie. I guess “serious” just means he doesn’t mug for the camera and smiles only when the plot demands it. Great stuff guys.

College sports are just young kids playing at a sub-pro level. You might as well go lurk around the local high school gym and watch some games you fucking perverts. I don’t watch college sports because I want to watch the best players doing battle. And this has nothing to do with the fact that the typical sports fan, who is a meathead extraordinaire, uses this time of year to be a pain in the ass to everyone within earshot. Nothing at all. And speaking of those kinds of assholes….

Watched “Borat” last night. It was pretty funny and I definitely laughed very hard at several parts, but overall it was ok. Kind of like it was on “Da Ali G Show.” I felt sorry for some of the people he duped but really most of them got what was coming to them. The old man at the rodeo who was talking about rounding up homosexuals just came off as a crotchety old man. He isn’t going to change, it’s too late for him. But I was really disturbed by the drunk frat boys Borat rides with in the RV.

Those guys are fucking scumbags. Their views on minorities and women were hideous and because they were so young I can’t cut them any slack. They’re just terrible human beings who are already set in their ways about the world. This part made me really uncomfortable because these creeps just seemed dangerous. These are the white people that make brown people (and most white people) scared for their lives. The funny thing is these guys were trying to sue the filmmakers because they said they were misrepresented and were coerced into saying some of the things they said. Trust me, I’ve seen this kind of asshole before, and they would have started saying that shit regardless if there was alcohol and a camera present or not. These fuckers, more than anyone else in the film, made Americans look the worst.

And what college aged kid wouldn’t know who Borat is already? Don’t ask questions; just kill these people if you ever happen upon them.

It’s funny, I was listening to Dan Patrick on ESPN the other day and started his show by playing some of the new Arcade Fire album and saying, “this is the new Arcade Fire…trust me, it’s great, go get it now.” Now I love Dan Patrick, I think he’s awesome, but he’s like 50 years old and from what he’s told his listeners, is fairly new to this “alternative rock” thing. It’s just funny when something like the Arcade Fire can bridge the gap from haircut hipsters to “bracket” trolling lunkheads. There’s hope for world yet I guess.

Listening To: Arcade Fire, Art Brut, Emily Haines, Yellowman

Watching: Fast Food Nation, Frisky Dingo, The Avalanche (I Believe!), Lost (I Believe!)

Monday, March 12, 2007

War Time Smile: Weekly Wrap Up

Wild Hogs is still kicking ass at the box office, proving once again that every crude, predictable stereotype of Americans is absolutely, 100% true.

But really how genius is that movie? A bunch of middle aged white guys (and their one black friend) buy Harleys to exorcise they’re mid-life demons. It has a ready made audience. It’s called the “Jeff Foxworthy Effect.” Brainless white dudes will get out and support anything remotely related to them because it makes them feel like they still have a say in today’s pop culture. And despite having Martin Lawrence in the movie, the lack of black people in the theater will draw them to the movie because of the safe and quiet experience that awaits them.

If there isn’t a theater out in the cracker box suburbs filling up right now with 40 year olds wearing goatees and some sort of NASCAR hat, I will eat my own balls.

Newt Gingrich announced this past week that he was having an affair the whole time he put the screws to Bill Clinton for having his affair(s). What a fucking surprise this is.

CNN claimed that Gingrich had a “surprising” announcement concerning his time as grand inquisitor of Bill Clinton’s penis. If you were “surprised” by this news, then I’m sure you were at Wild Hogs this weekend with one hand in a tub of popcorn and one hand probing your own ass.

Gingrich and everyone else who was having an affair while sticking it to Clinton, should be sentenced to Hillary Clinton’s campaign as official sex slave/douche re-filler. What kind of sick mind can sleep at night while doing this? Well, I guess if Newt didn’t go after Clinton it would have been more suspicious right? The bigger question here is “WHO IN THE HELL WAS FUCKING NEWT GINGRICH?

Jake Plummer finally fucking retired from football this past week. After sticking it to the Broncos one last time, and ultimately sticking it to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Plummer called it a career.

Plummer was called a “rebel soul” by his mother and equated him to Pat Tillman, Plummer’s old teammate who dropped out of the NFL to become an Army Ranger and fight in Afghanistan where he was killed in action. Well, I wouldn’t necessarily call him a “rebel soul.” Maybe “shitty quarterback” is more like it.

I don’t have a problem with what Plummer did; in fact if more people did what was best for themselves and not for their ego/bank account, we’d have more happy people on the planet. What I have a problem with is Plummer’s attitude at the very end. In his press conference formally announcing his retirement, Plummer wore a shirt that said “Freedom.” This hints at the fact that Plummer felt like a slave to the NFL. What it also says is that he was extremely dissatisfied with playing football and getting paid millions to do so. That’s cool I guess, but it probably means he was giving less than 100% during his time with the Broncos. I don’t care what he said about “loving the game” and being a “competitor.” If you’re wearing a shirt that says “Freedom” as you unceremoniously retire, you weren’t happy.

Thanks for the interceptions Jake. I know in your new career as a handball champion (Plummer and his brother just placed second in a handball tournament here in Denver) involves you slapping a ball haphazardly at a wall…pretty much what you did last season for Denver…except the wall was the opposing team’s defensive backs and the slapping was your noodle armed attempts to throw downfield. Thanks for the memories!

Listening to: Bright Black Morning Light, The Good The Bad The Queen, Lamb of God, Hot IQs.

Watching: For Your Consideration, Marie Antoinette, The Sarah Silverman Program


Wednesday, March 07, 2007

This Whole Anne Coulter Thing is Totally Gay

An astute reader reminded me of my duty to keep this theme going.

I really hate even having to write about Anne Coulter. Her sunken, crazy looking eyes floating ominously behind a sheet a skin pulled too tight over her skeletal face….I can’t stand to look at her let alone listen to her.

Every time she opens her mouth and dribbles out some calculated and “controversial” stab at someone who doesn’t agree with her and her master race leanings, the media scrambles to give her as much face time as she needs. Coulter just sits back and tries to figure out how she can sell more books.

This time, the white witch called John Edwards a “faggot” (in a round-a-bout way) while making a clever reference to Isaiah Washington (please see: “This Whole Isaiah Washington Thing is Totally Gay” for more information). She said this to a group of conservative fuck wads who all laughed heartily.

If this is her sense of humor coming out (great sense of humor baby), that’s fine. But this still offends people. I don’t give two fucks about John Edwards but it belittles him by calling him a “faggot.” And it belittles gay people for associating them with John Edwards. More so, it comes from a person who hates gay people and wants them all dead (or second class citizens at least). If I were gay, I’d have a hard time with this bony freak saying such things. It would be like listening to Ron Artest tell the League of Women Voters how bitches sometimes need a good slap; it won’t go over well.

Coulter’s main objective is to sell books and further her fascist ideas. That’s it. I’m sure getting laid out of this isn’t an issue because her vagina dried up for good years ago, so making money and pushing an obviously diabolical agenda is her main goal. I have no problem with a difference in opinion, but when one as reckless and obviously disturbed as Coulter’s is farted out, I get a little queasy.

Take a look at Coulter’s eyes the next time she’s forced into your life. She’s got the dead eyed look of someone who’s not in control anymore. There’s a wild insanity hiding behind those eyes that you can almost see clawing its way out. She says things and you think to yourself “yeah, I see where someone might consider that to be funny,” but when she says it, it comes across as cold and robotic. When she does hit rock bottom and has to make some sort of concession to keep her ass out of the loony bin, I’m betting good money that we’ll hear how she was molested by someone wearing a Richard Nixon mask. Bet on it.

But of course by writing about her, I’ve just crammed more “attention cock” down her throat. She craves the “attention cock” and will take it from anyone. She’ll say anything to get it. All the while pleasing her white, male Over Lords and looking to them for a nod of approval. If she wasn’t so transparent and obvious in what she’s doing, I’d be terrified of her.

But she isn’t going to be let off the hook for this one. If an actor and a basketball player are going to be put through the ringer for it, Coulter should too. The thing about the actor and the basketball player is they could probably see how what they said is negative. They might never be totally comfortable with gay people but at least they’ll understand why people were upset about it and do something to save their careers. Coulter will be unapologetic until the end. She might go out and sport kill a couple of gay guys just to celebrate. And that’s why she needs to be punished for it.

Eventually she will be reduced to skeleton in a blonde wig screaming about liberals and 911 widows to a brick wall. That’s going to be hilarious. But until that time, she’s going to lay low for awhile plotting her comeback. She’s like the transvestite version of Jason from Friday the 13th, always lurking. And when she does come back, she’s going to need all the “attention cock” you can cram down her throat. Do you have a few inches to spare for America?


Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Selling Out: Fall Out Boy...a one man band?

We won’t get in to any kind of debate whether Fall Out Boy sucks or not. They do suck, so there’s no reason to evaluate their music or their apparent lack of worth to the world of music.

If you didn’t know any better, you’d think that lame dude with the hair in his eyes and the tight pants was the singer because he’s always front and center whenever a photo is snapped. But he’s not. I think he’s the bass player and yet there he is; always pushed to the front because he’s the most popular and the other members of the band are slightly more homely.

That irks me about Fall Out Boy, but that’s not why I’m writing this. The problem I have with these dubiously talented clowns is the obvious double standard that they put forth in their public personas. They act like grown ups and want you to treat them thusly, yet they make music for kids. They’re the Raffi of the emo set.

Now it’s fine if you make music for kids. The Wiggles do it. But you’ll never see the Wiggles pretending to be tough guys; putting themselves out there as serious musicians whose music transcends age. No. The Wiggles make music for kids and they know this. They know you know this.

But Fall Out Boy pretends to be big boys. They want to be taken seriously with their music and will do everything in their power to keep that illusion going. The douche bass player gives 90 interviews a day talking about how crazy he is and “adult.” You’d never see Murray from the Wiggles doing that.

There’s a great line from a Jawbreaker song that goes like this: “Everyone tells me they're crazy / Well crazy people aren't so fucking boring.” That sums these assholes up pretty well. If only they were 1/8 as good as Jawbreaker.

Anyway, the fact that Fall Out Boy is a kid’s band and they don’t admit it does piss me off, but that’s at the heart of why I hate them so much. My main gripe is how a band like this adopts a punk persona, is nothing more than a teeny bopper act and will sell themselves to the highest bidder. Tattoos cover up more than skin with these cunts.

Sure, sure, it’s all about money these days. Yeah, that’s fine. Iggy has his song on a commercial for cruise ships; The Clash had their stuff in car commercials. I had trouble with things like that for awhile, but then I realized in The Clash’s case, Joe Strummer had a family and I’m sure they wanted their future to be secure. Iggy probably never got paid anything in his early days and needed a little bread to get by. Whether he was buying a summer home or putting food on the table, these guys paid their dues; I can’t totally dismiss them for doing it now.

But what gets my balls in a bind is when young artists will sell themselves as quickly as a Colfax Ho who sees the crack man leaving for the night. They can’t wait to sell out. They sign on the dotted line and they gleefully give their songs away like they’re handing their kid over to the local child molester. They got their money, they’ll just make more crappy songs.

I saw a cell phone commercial for the V Cast phone the other night. The commercial shows a near retarded meat head, working out in a gym, listening to Fall Out Boy on his phone. This guy is Fall Out Boy’s worst nightmare but yet probably their best customer. He’s all sweaty from pumping iron, he’s buff and probably can’t decide whether ripping a homo’s arm off or date raping some dumbass that went out with him would make a better Friday night. This guy would beat Fall Out Boy senseless if they walked into his sports bar after only four Coors Lights.

And yet Fall Out Boy is totally fine with having their product (music) associated with this animal. Now obviously bands can’t dictate who can and cannot listen to their music. Lord knows I’ve been to enough shows to see that there are some people who will gravitate toward a band that are not only out of tune with the band’s politics but completely out of line with society’s rules in general. You can’t choose your family or the people who listen to your music apparently.

But you can have a say in how your music is represented. If not, then don’t sign the contract. It’s as easy as that. I read an interview with Fall Out Boy’s douche bass player and he made negative comments about frat boys and jocks and whatnot. They put the image out there they don’t like these people yet they sold their name, image and music to a commercial featuring one of those people. I think this classifies as a classic “sell out.”

“Selling Out” got a bad name in the 90’s when all the alterna-bands went for the cash grab and signed major label deals leaving all the hipsters to snidely cry “sell out” on anyone who wanted a better life for themselves and their family. The cry of “sell out” was so loud and constant that eventually it was tuned out. “Selling out” then went on unimpeded and anyone crying “sell out” was poo-pooed like a liberal calling in to Rush Limbaugh. It became ok to “sell out” because it was uncool to call anyone on it.

Fall Out Boy sold out here big time. They not only sold their song to a completely horrific product but they’ve done damage to their image as well. Some may argue that this is their fan base (meat heads and teenagers), and now they are just coming out of the closet as it were. I will argue that they’ve revealed themselves to not give two shits about the music they’re creating and sell it and themselves to the highest bidder. Remember, you can sell out and still keep it classy. If there’s a product you like or a way you want to be represented, if you’re popular enough (like Fall Out Boy is right now), someone will accommodate you. But that was very far from their minds when they agreed to whore themselves to a cell phone company. That Ho on Colfax thinks this undignified.

Yeah, these creeps will still be able to make music and live comfortably which I’m sure is any musician’s dream, but when their teenage fans grow up and their meathead admirers die from hopefully some horrible death, no one is going to want to listen to their ear poop anymore. Sure they’ll be rich but by catering to kids and Neanderthals now, they won’t have anything left in the tank when the solo album from the shitty bass player comes out. Oh and you know that’s coming soon.

I used to have a lot of anger toward bands like this (I guess I still do). They are essentially boy bands with tattoos that mimic an aggressive style of music while putting their own kid friendly spin on it. I wish them all the success in the world because it must be thrilling to do something you love and get paid loads of money to do it. But if we don’t call a duck a duck here, we’re doomed to be bombarded with shitty groups like this until the end of time. Oh who am I kidding? This will never go away, but with your help maybe we can have the Fall Out Boys and the Good Charlottes moved to kids section in your local record store. Right next to Barney and straight up their own asses.


Thursday, February 15, 2007

This Whole Tim Hardaway Thing is Totally Gay

And this is why Isaiah Washington is being put through the ringer.

Tim Hardaway, long time NBA All-star, told the world yesterday that he “hates gay people.” He went on to say that he didn’t want a gay guy on his team, and if he did have one on there, he’d distance himself from that person.

This is all fallout from a former NBA player announcing he was gay a week or two prior. Hardaway was asked how he would deal with a gay teammate.

I guess honesty is good, but in Hardaway’s case, the completely ignorant and predictable way he expressed his honesty, doesn’t make his case. This is a news flash to all of the people who are like Tim Hardaway: You don’t have to like homosexuality. If the thought of two dudes humping turns your stomach, I wouldn’t dream of trying to change your mind. But to say you hate gay people (and not the sex act that makes you ill), is just so absurd it could be one of those hilarious comedies starring Martin Lawrence….which really aren’t funny at all.

I think Isaiah Washington is getting hung out to dry, but now you see why. There is a growing perception that African American culture is the least tolerant of homosexuality. More so than white Christians? I’m afraid so. And when you’re beating white Christians at bigotry, you really should evaluate some things.

If you took Tim Hardaway’s comments and put “black” in where he said “gay,” you’d be magically transported back to the 50’s and 60’s when sports were dominated by white people. Black people were not allowed and when they finally were, they were met with severe racism, from their teammates and fans alike. Most people will scoff at this and claim race and sexual orientation are two very different things. Sure. But when we’re talking about being set apart and vilified because of something you are, isn’t it the same thing. I’m sure Jackie Robinson had teammates who “distanced themselves” from him when he started playing. Is Hardaway too stupid or too filled with hatred to see how ironic this is?

So one bad thing begets another. If you thought the way Isaiah Washington was treated was racism like I did, now you see why those people put the screws to him. It’s just one more thing in a chain of events that won’t stop until someone grows the fuck up and gets over it. But that probably won’t happen based on what some of the callers were saying on sports talk radio; most were agreeing with Hardaway and supporting him. That’s fine if you agree with him, but don’t get behind someone spouting dangerous bullshit. Again: if you don’t like hot man love, no problem. But giving a thumbs up to a bigot is dangerous and will never ever lead to anything good.

Tim Hardaway, who hasn’t played in years, lives in a world where saying stuff like this doesn’t hurt him. Sure, the NBA immediately dropped him from having anything to do with their organization, but he’s already paid. Isaiah Washington works in a world where saying that type of thing will hurt him. I pity the next black actor, or someone in a similar profession who says something dumb about his/her gay contemporaries, because now, A.T. (After Tim), that person is going to pay dearly.

We’re just starting to see this heat up and it’s going to be one salvo after another.

I’m with the gays on this one. What Hardaway said wasn’t “keepin’ it real” it was ignorant and hateful. And while his hypocrisy is monumental on this, I guess he doesn’t owe anyone the courtesy of remembering how American blacks have been treated in this country. A racist can come out and say he hates black people, but no one in their right mind will come forward and say that person’s statement should be applauded. Hardaway has shown that he is a bigot, and instead of being commended for his “bold” statement, he should pitied and hope that he and people like him, will quietly go away.


Friday, January 26, 2007

This whole Isaiah Washington thing is totally gay

If you have just returned from some place that doesn’t have the internet or don’t give two fucks about celebrity bullshit, you have no idea what I’m talking about. That’s good. You are a good person. I envy you. I envy you because I read all those ridiculous celebrity blogs written by annoying Queens who make a living ripping on some dumb actresses’ bad choice in eye glitter.

I read them because they’re a good quick read, they’re funny and it gives me something to talk about when with other people who read this crap. I’ve always believed that if you have something in common with everyone, you can get along with anyone. Or something like that. That’s how I’m justifying it anyway.

Anyway, if you’ve just returned from Iraq where you were hunting for the real culprits of 911, you wouldn’t know anything about the Isaiah Washington fiasco that is currently gripping America. Here’s what went down:

Washington, who stars on Grey’s Anatomy, called one of the other actors a “faggot” during an on-set argument. That subsequently forced the actor out of the closet and made Washington look like a grade ‘A’ asshole. He then couldn’t keep his mouth shut, denied he said it and then farted out a bunch of bullshit that made him look even worse.

I don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy, or Grey’s Sexcademy, as I like to call it. It’s a sucky show about humping doctors that brain dead morons watch to get a tingle in their nether regions. I’m all for humping (that’s what it will say on my tombstone), but this show is just lame. If you like it, good for you, but pornos have better plots and acting I’m sure.

Washington sounds like a dickhead. From all accounts, he’s a hot head and anyone who would react this way has got some issues. Especially since he works in Hollywood where an actor being gay is probably as common as wearing socks. If you work in movies or TV, pissing off the gays is like going to a NASCAR race in a turban, handing out anti-American literature. It won’t end in a good way.

So all the celebrity bloggers, who just happen to be fat, homely Queens, are all over this guy’s ass; calling for him to be fired and ripping him all kinds of new assholes. Oddly enough, no one is saying they will stop watching the show. I think that would really do some damage, but I guess they need their bad TV just like the rest of us. But they want blood and are doing everything in their power to get it.

But then I started thinking about it: people are really freaking out about this and for why? Is this really about someone calling another person a “faggot” or does it go deeper than that? I would agree that calling someone a faggot in this case is bad. The guy’s sexual preference shouldn’t be a factor here. If there’s an issue at the work place, where someone puts their pecker should never be a concern. So why are the gays so pissed off about Isaiah Washington?

Race baby. Race.

This is all about race. The Isaiah Washington fiasco has reached shrill, shrieking proportions simply because he’s black.

I will be the first one to call bullshit on someone playing the race card so you know I’m not a weak-willed, white guilt liberal looking to spread the good word by enabling some trumped up racist claim. The funny thing is, no one has brought this up in this case. They’ve let Washington twist in the wind and I’m frankly surprised.

I guess what he did was pretty bad. “Outing” the guy was kind of uncool. I would think if you were gay, you would like to pick the time and place of your coming out. Having some jerk yelling it across a soundstage for the celebrity obsessed world to hear is probably not his cup of tea. That was uncool. But after that, the actor went on Ellen’s show and she told him “how brave he was.” What? Really? Brave huh? I’m not really seeing how this guy is so brave for going through this. He gets paid a lot of money to act in a world that, behind the scenes, is very supportive of his orientation. There are far more people that have endured far worse punishment, physical and emotional, for their sexuality than this guy. Did it scare him because a big scary black guy said it to him?

I think that’s where this stems from. Black people have the “N” word. The “N” word is nigger in case you didn’t know. I personally don’t say the “N” word because I do find it offensive. I know black people (and most white people) find it offensive so I don’t use it. But a lot of black people do use it and I think the majority of the gay community, who have been maligned through hip hop and various aspects of black culture, feel like this is a way of striking back. Listen to any hip hop album and homos are constantly derided and “faggot” is used as a way to put people down. My guess is that Isaiah Washington opened his mouth and our gay brethren saw fit to cram decades of resentment down his throat.

The racial aspect of this is disturbing because it ceases to be about calling someone a nasty name based on who they are. It suddenly becomes a political issue where people are not considering that one asshole ran his mouth, but indicting a whole group of people simply because they’ve got momentum and want to intimidate anyone from saying something like it again. That’s fine, but shouldn’t you want people to stop saying it because they have learned that it’s wrong? Or is the out come that they’ll get fired enough? While one is harder to achieve, the other creates resentment and lasting bad vibes.

The only reason Mel Gibson wasn’t run out of Hollywood is that he makes tons of money. I’m sure there’s a Jewish guy or four that have a hand in helping Mel’s movies to the big screen. He said all the right things, but really if he didn’t make money, no one would have dealt with him ever again. Isaiah Washington doesn’t have the luxury of being Mel Gibson. He’s just a no name actor that no one ever heard of until this incident. Maybe this is good for him in the long run. Currently he went to “rehab” for his problem and will return to his hit show loving the gay life I’m sure.

Washington deserves most of the shit he’s getting but overall it just stinks of a racially motivated occasion for some payback. I for one think that’s a cycle you will never be able to pull out of.

So I’ll still read the bitchy celebrity blogs, but now I see them in a different light. As if it wasn’t bad enough that they all love that fucking lame hack Madonna, now they gotta play the Gay card against the Race card. And that’s a card game I never want to see.


Thursday, January 25, 2007

50 Most Loathsome People

Simply awesome. I think I referenced this list last year and it's even better this year.

Have at it:

The BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2006

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

JB: Doing it to Death

Did I mention how much I love James Brown? When the GFOS passed around Xmas time, I was going to write something up but didn’t (obviously) because 1) I’m kinda lazy and 2) I wasn’t sure I could due justice to how bad motherfucking ass this guy was. I’m a huge fan and yet I didn’t know how to talk about him.

Well, he’s still not buried and there’s all kinds of turmoil over his estate; his creepy wife is crying to Larry King about being locked out of the house and Al Sharpton seems to have his hands deep into the Hardest Working Man in Show Business’ business.

I’m not one to think that someone can’t “rest” until their body is in the ground, so it doesn’t matter to me if he’s buried or not. I think they should keep him above ground like Lenin and maybe I can go to wherever he is and pay my respects ten years from now.

At any rate, JB was just super bad. As you’ve probably read by now, there wouldn’t be hip-hop as we know it without JB. His style, his delivery and in particular, his music, contributed more to modern music than anyone in past 100 years. He’s that fucking cool.

Prince is a poor man’s James Brown. All his moves, his crazy wardrobe and the bulk of his shtick are cribbed right from JB’s playbook.

Justin Timberlake wishes he could take a couple of hairs off of JB’s corpse because there is more funk in the man’s follicles than in Timberlake’s whole body.

The first time I ever saw James Brown was on TV and it showed one of his early performances where he does the thing where he pretends to be overcome with how hard he’s performing and has to be helped off. A guy comes out and puts a cape on him and helps him off, but right before he leaves the stage he regains his strength and tears back into it. I was just blow away by this. I didn’t understand it, but I loved it.

Listen to any of his music where he’s calling out to the band members and telling them what to do; it’s a testament to the incredible musicians he had working for him as much as it is a showcase for his total mastery of the music. It’s been parodied for a long time, but JB could wave his hand and the band would stop on a dime. Wave it another way and the horns would hit him however he wanted it. He was like a diabolical sorcerer conjuring a wicked brew that you couldn’t wait to suck down.

Put on “Greedy Man” with its relentless funk or the slow, sticky jam that is “The Payback” and try and tell me this man wasn’t some sort of musical god on earth. He was.
Listen to his songs and just try to identify all the samples that were later used in countless rap songs. It’s just too bad he didn’t get paid for it when he was getting the shit sampled out his songs…where were Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson then?

Regardless of my paltry words of praise, there literally won’t ever be anyone as great as he was ever again. We’re left with his legacy though, through his music and all the people who copied him, wanted to be like him or just plain were affected by him.

God speed JB. Give up, turn it loose.


Travel Journal 2000: Barcelona

Here's more from my travel journal. This is re-printed exactly how I typed it way back when. I had run off to Europe in early 2000 and hung out in Paris, Barcelona and then Dublin. I was posting this to the Hooligan website at the time, and while some of it is kind of embarrassing, it’s still pretty funny. Enjoy.

Travel Journal February 2000

The coffee in Barcelona is how that woman from Good Times likes her men: Hot, black and strong! The coffee’s good and that’s not all. Barcelona reminds of how Cuba must be. Spanish speaking people with palm trees lining the streets, and buildings you think of when someone mentions Earnest Hemingway.

But Madrid is where Hemingway used to hang so Barcelona, or BCN for our purposes, has its own vibe entirely. But I could bore you with how beautiful I think Spain is. If you’ve ever been there, or even thought about going, you already know this. No, my travel journal will center not on the actual travelling, but the pitfalls and embarrassment that seems to come with it.

My first night in BCN I hooked up with an old friend by the name of Steve P. Steve has lived in BCN for the better part of 10 or 12 years so he was the main man to have show me around. We were going to warm up around 9:30 at a bar where you can pick up and play any guitar on the wall. I’m a master guitar player (ha) so I thought this sounded very cool. The place was closed because the people were on vacation. Vacation? “No one goes on vacation in February!” I exclaimed. I was on vacation dammit, and they needed to be open! Not really. Regardless we moved on. We went back to Steve’s place to have some beers before “really” going out.

People in Spain don’t eat until 10 p.m. and don’t really start partying until midnight. My second night in BCN, we stayed out till 6 a.m. (another story entirely). We went to Steve’s to have some beers.

Steve’s place is small. There’s enough room for a bed, a couch, a kitchen and a small bano (that’s bathroom in Espanol). But as he told me, the real reason he lived there wasn’t for the apartment, but for what was beyond the door in the kitchen. As we walked outside, I was treated to the most marvelous view in the whole motherfucking city of BCN.

A ‘panty dropper’ is something like the view from a house or apartment that will facilitate the dropping of women’s panties once you get them up there. Steve’s view could drop more panties then Leo Dicaprio, Brad Pitt and Ricky Martin combined. This was one spectacular fucking view, man. I took it all in, drank some beer and enjoyed Steve’s hospitality from his killer vantage point.

After some time, we moved down the street to a bar Steve frequented. The place featured rock and roll memorabilia on the walls and rock and roll tunes pumping out the stereo. The place was great and would be somewhere I’d hang out if it was in the states.

It was around midnight at this point and Steve said, “like clockwork, this bar will fill up at one.” Bing. One o’clock hit and, like he said, the place filled up before I even knew it. It was packed and hopping. We had carved out a corner earlier so we stood there drinking beer and having a wonderful time. This, believe it or not, is where our story begins.

It was at this point I was introduced to one of the local BCN beers. Voll Damm was its name and I will never, for the rest of my life, forget it. Voll Damm is a fairly hearty brew which tasted like a heavier Michelob than anything else. When in Rome. It tasted good so I drank it. Or I should say I drank an enormous amount of it. I was drinking Voll Damm like it wasn’t just going out of style, but like I had a fire to put out somewhere deep within my body. Bud lite it wasn’t, but I was sure drinking it like it was.

Steve had a friend named Steve who was there with a nice French girl (yeah, I know!). We all talked, rocked out to classic rock and proceeded to get fucking locked. On the train to BCN from Paris I started coming down with a cold. I was getting sick one way or the other so I just said fuck it. I’ve drank my way through colds before. I’m an old pro right? I partied on like a champ (or chump depending on how you look at it). I had two Heinekens before I even met up with Steve and about five cans of San Miguel at his place. I then inhaled about five bottles of Voll Damm at the bar. Drunk right? Wrong. Really, really drunk. What Steve declined to tell me was that each bottle of Voll Damm is around 8% alcohol. I got slaughtered like a pig at Easter.

Steve and Steve saw me chugging Voll Damm like Coors lite and told me the next day they were going to say something, but….. I would’ve done the same in their place so I can’t be too mad. Regardless, the Voll Damm binge combined with the first nasty days of a cold, made for one of the worst and most punishing hangovers of my entire life.

I drink. And despite how tanked I was, I handled it like a true warrior. I’ve been drunker than this, but the hangover made me want to go home to momma. Leaving the hotel, I almost threw up in the hallway. There was a strange, feces like smell in the stairwell. Imagine that? It was gross, so every time I left or came back to the place I’d run up the stairs holding my breath. Now, it almost killed me. I think I was a pale green, but I was afraid to look in the mirror for fear of scaring the vomit out of me.

By the time I found the Picasso museum, I was the walking fucking dead. I was the guy in the “Thriller” video whose arm just kind of falls off. Usually I feel like the dead guy who starts doing the Robot at the end. When I got to the part of the Picasso Museum where a lot of his pen drawings are featured, I almost puked in front of a bunch of Italian tourists. I could’ve slept right there. I almost puked, but years and years of dealing with hangovers has conditioned me to not puke in a public place no matter how bad it wants to come out.

One time I went to a Sorority function when I was in college. You travel somewhere on a bus and you get really drunk and laid if you can still see straight. The thing about Sorority functions is you can go balls out, but you just can’t puke in the bus on the way back. The girl who took you to the thing will get fined and in a heap of trouble if you do. The time I went to this Sorority function, I got really, really drunk on Greyhounds (vodka and grapefruit juice). My date was unconscious and I, in a semi-conscious state, willed myself not to puke for a 40 minute bus ride back down twisty mountain roads. If you’ve ever had a ‘few too many’ a ‘few too many times’ you know exactly what I’m talking about. My brother once puked in his mouth and then swallowed it because someone was giving him a ride home and he didn’t want to puke in their car. Now that’s one tough mother!

Anyway, puking in front of Italian tourists and the magnificent works of Picasso was not in the cards for me. I got back to my room and slept it off. I was absolutely polluted. This hangover would have killed a lesser man I’m convinced. That night though, I went out til 6 in the morning. I was drinking beer. Not Voll Damm mind you, but I still got back on that horse and rode. I was sick as a motherfucker, but hey, I was in Barcelona. No time for a hangover (even as gargantuan as this one) when you’re in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. BCN is fantastic. The Gaudi architecture will blow you away. We could see the Sagrada Familia from Steve’s panty dropper. Sagrada Familia is a church that Gaudi designed in the late 19th Century and is still being built today. It’s fucking amazing though and you can go up in the towers. The rest of the city is stunning as well. The whole place has a great vibe. And while I’d suggest to definitely go and see Barcelona, please keep your Voll Damm intake to just a few.