Monday, March 19, 2007

Weekly Wrap Up

All of Iran is furious over the movie 300. The film, which depicts a small Spartan army kicking the ass of the massive Persian army, has gotten the Iranians all mad because it depicts the Persians as blood thirsty barbarians. They are claiming the movie is just another attempt by America to make Iran look bad.

Here’s a news flash for you Iran: 98% of the drooling retards who went and soaked up the homoerotic bloodbath that is 300, have no idea that Persia is now Iran. To the average movie goer (a slack mouthed gaper), Persia is the setting of a video games and cartoons they spend hours watching while eating their weight in Combos.

So quit crying Iran. If you just stuck with your already narrow (and somewhat true) view of Americans, you wouldn’t have your feelings hurt by a bunch of douches who couldn’t find Chicago on a map, let alone Iran.

Reign over Me starring Adam Sandler in bad Bob Dylan wig, desperately trying to be taken seriously is currently on the top of my list of lame ass shit.

Sandler plays some schlub whose family died in 9/11 (ooh! I feel the tears being jerked right out of me!) and how he gets his life back by re-connecting with an old friend.

If Sandler plays anything but a half retarded moron, he’s a complete joke, ironically enough. I understand why as an actor he wants to branch out, but after several blind stabs at “serious” acting (the horrible “Punch Drunk Love” and the ball smashingly bad “Spanglish”), he’s come up with nothing more than hot diarrhea in a dirty sock.

It’s not working Adam. Go count your money and crank out your bread and butter, numbskull comedy every once in awhile and everything will be fine. Beating me over the head with 9/11 and some formulaic crap about finding redemption in an unfair world only makes me wish your “serious acting” died in 9/11 as well. Jim Carrey called and he wants you to know he’s got the market cornered on crappy, serious movies that no one wants to see him in.

I don’t like college basketball. I don’t like college sports at all, and most circles, that’s tantamount to saying I’d blow Osama Bin Laden for all that he’s done for America. So, you can imagine that this time of year you can’t fart without poop misting some nerd talking about the NCAA basketball tournament. It truly is a real pain in my balls.

I’m sure there are some good games, but college sports suck because I can’t really get excited about a team I have no connection to. If you went to Georgetown or grew up in the town of one of these colleges, I can’t bag on you for being a fan. But listening to grown men lament over their “bracket” is getting so old, I’d almost rather watch a “serious” Adam Sandler movie…followed up by a serious Jim Carrey movie. I guess “serious” just means he doesn’t mug for the camera and smiles only when the plot demands it. Great stuff guys.

College sports are just young kids playing at a sub-pro level. You might as well go lurk around the local high school gym and watch some games you fucking perverts. I don’t watch college sports because I want to watch the best players doing battle. And this has nothing to do with the fact that the typical sports fan, who is a meathead extraordinaire, uses this time of year to be a pain in the ass to everyone within earshot. Nothing at all. And speaking of those kinds of assholes….

Watched “Borat” last night. It was pretty funny and I definitely laughed very hard at several parts, but overall it was ok. Kind of like it was on “Da Ali G Show.” I felt sorry for some of the people he duped but really most of them got what was coming to them. The old man at the rodeo who was talking about rounding up homosexuals just came off as a crotchety old man. He isn’t going to change, it’s too late for him. But I was really disturbed by the drunk frat boys Borat rides with in the RV.

Those guys are fucking scumbags. Their views on minorities and women were hideous and because they were so young I can’t cut them any slack. They’re just terrible human beings who are already set in their ways about the world. This part made me really uncomfortable because these creeps just seemed dangerous. These are the white people that make brown people (and most white people) scared for their lives. The funny thing is these guys were trying to sue the filmmakers because they said they were misrepresented and were coerced into saying some of the things they said. Trust me, I’ve seen this kind of asshole before, and they would have started saying that shit regardless if there was alcohol and a camera present or not. These fuckers, more than anyone else in the film, made Americans look the worst.

And what college aged kid wouldn’t know who Borat is already? Don’t ask questions; just kill these people if you ever happen upon them.

It’s funny, I was listening to Dan Patrick on ESPN the other day and started his show by playing some of the new Arcade Fire album and saying, “this is the new Arcade Fire…trust me, it’s great, go get it now.” Now I love Dan Patrick, I think he’s awesome, but he’s like 50 years old and from what he’s told his listeners, is fairly new to this “alternative rock” thing. It’s just funny when something like the Arcade Fire can bridge the gap from haircut hipsters to “bracket” trolling lunkheads. There’s hope for world yet I guess.

Listening To: Arcade Fire, Art Brut, Emily Haines, Yellowman

Watching: Fast Food Nation, Frisky Dingo, The Avalanche (I Believe!), Lost (I Believe!)


Fred K. Tapeball III said...

Hey JR,

Off topic, but I thought you might be interested to see just how much of a scumbag Lou Pearlman really is:

Salman Rushdie said...

Update motherfucker