Wednesday, June 21, 2006

American Hipsters: Your Taste is in Your Ass...Your Ass is in Your Taste

Savvy reader Delroy sent this link to some reviews that I just had to share. It pretty much sums up how I feel about it but as any good scavenger writer will do, I’m going to add my .02 cents.

Here’s the link: thanks Delroy.

I have to agree with the Radiohead comments. I loved Kid A, but they totally lost me with Amnesiac. Amnesiac sounded like out takes for Kid A and that just doesn’t fly when you’re supposed to be these alt-rock geniuses right? Kid A has all those “clicks and moans” the above review talks about but it was fresh and new then; a pretty wild departure from the brilliant OK Computer. And that’s what you want. You want your musicians to try new things and hopefully succeed. And they did with Kid A. But when Amnesiac rolled around, it sounded like more of the same. But they got a pass because they’re Radiohead.

So when Hail to the Thief came out, it sounded just slightly different than Amnesiac. Only the real diehard Radiohead fans (I know one who traveled to Spain to see them live) were getting behind it. I just found it to be confusing and boring.

So it’s pretty sad that Thom Yorke’s “solo” album is more of that same shit. I’m all for artistic expression, but when he’s just doing the same “beep, boop, click” shit, I just have to hang my head in shame. Does it mean that he’s so out of ideas that he just makes the same album over and over again? Unfortunately what’s going to happen is they’ll put out a full-on guitar album and every ass licking critic will say it’s a “return to form” or some other bullshit they read in a press kit.

Now Sonic Youth is another story. I don’t know what’s worse: the people who keep buying this crap, or the record companies who keep paying them to put it out. Let’s be honest here: Sonic Youth was never really that good. Sure they were pioneers and all that shit, but when it comes down to it, they kind of suck. They had a couple of good songs here and there, but can you honestly sit through and entire Sonic Youth album? I can’t.

Music sites like Pitchfork bend over for every Sonic Youth release and I can’t understand it. It’s kind of like the old high school quarterback from the small town who can do no wrong even though he’s fat, bald and hasn’t done shit since the state tournament in 1988. He never gets criticized just like Sonic Youth. And even though Sonic Youth isn’t raping women and getting away with it, they are raping your wallet if you keep buying their albums.

Keane? Well, they’re harmless right? Their music doesn’t make me want to kill, but it doesn’t move me in a positive way either. I think it’s pointless to waste words on them because by the time their third album rolls around, they will be a complete non-issue. I wish I could say the same for some of the others on this list.

Muse? I am at a loss. I seriously have never heard of this band and from what I read, I don’t want to know anything about them. I like to think I’m a little “up” on what music is out and about these days, but I am drawing a complete blank with Muse. I’m guessing though, and I could be wrong, that they don’t suck as bad as the next entry.

Suckjan Stevens. If you’ve read anything on here in the past couple of months, you’d know that I absolutely can’t stand Suckjan Stevens. The most overrated, over-hyped piece of stinky, hair infused dog turd that has ever graced the airwaves. And now he’s released out takes of his lame ass music. That’s like the director’s cut of Jersey Girl (a far worse Affleck film than Gigli); pointless and unbearable. Why do I need alternate versions of shit I already can’t stand? Ok sure, it’s not meant for me, but who in their right mind buys this? The writer makes the point that you don’t need this much out take offal even if you are a fan so who does this appeal to? I’ll tell you who. Weak hipsters, so desperate for cred, who will buy anything that makes them more appealing to other jerk offs who already bought into this like a Fox News zombie eating up false information like it was cum in the ass of an “All Anal All The Time” whore (just a (butt) plug for my favorite All Anal website).

Well, I’m relieved to know that somebody shares my same hefty hatred for some of the music that most (i.e. the dense record buying public) deem worthy and reputable. I guess if we all agreed it wouldn’t make for amusing commentary, so keep loving that shit America! I’ll be here waiting.


Monday, June 19, 2006

Phil Mickelson and Adolph Hitler were out golfing one day...

I’m pretty sure most of you either don’t care or don’t know who Phil Mickelson is. Don’t know because he’s a golfer. Don’t care because he’s the epitome of the evil white man.

Golf sucks. Not the game itself, just the people who do it. Golf is a very hard, technically demanding sport that can be fun. I’ve golfed before and while it usually involved getting really high and giggling in the golf cart, it’s a fairly fun way to spend a couple of hours out doors.

But golf culture sucks. It’s all lame white guys with visible sticks up their asses, and lame black guys who act like lame white guys just because Tiger Woods, by sheer force of his talent, forced whitey to accept him. I’m not a Tiger Woods fan, but I love the fact that he crashed the party. But Tiger is just one of them. He’s an uptight white guy with brown skin. A total fucking pussy who swings a metal club and people get on their knees to blow him wherever he goes.

If Dennis Rodman was as good a golfer as he was a rebounder, the white golfer wouldn’t have accepted him like they do Tiger Woods. Tiger was one of them from an early age and that made it easy for whitey to accept him. The fact that he’s one of the greatest golfers in the world didn’t hurt either. Dennis Rodman would have beat up somebody in the gallery and pissed in the 7th hole by now.

Golf culture sucks because it’s one of those things that tons of people do because they have to. It’s good for business, it’s what you do when you live in the suburbs, and it’s what you do if you want to belong. It’s very rigid and if you’re not doing something right, some asshole will be on you telling you what you’re doing wrong. One time we got yelled at for going to slow. We had just gotten done smoking a big doobie and I thought we were busted. But the only heinous act we had committed was moving too slow (because we sucked, not because we were stoned….or did we suck because we were stoned?) and this jerk let us have it. Golf is like the last bastion of the ol’ boy network. Maybe they can’t be outwardly racist (Tiger wouldn’t say anything regardless because an endorsement might be at stake), but they sure can make you play by their rules. And that’s cool, I just won’t participate anymore. Keep your expensive sport and keep your shitty clothes. Keep your inane small talk and shove your cheap sense of superiority back in your ball bag. I’m not playing anymore.

But what I have been playing for the last couple of years is miniature golf. Here you have all the fun and technical challenges of golf, but in a much cheaper, less hostile environment. Sure you can’t smoke dope and drink beer on the course, but you sure can in the car before hand. Miniature golf just plain fucking rules.

And despite the great courses most mini golf places offer, when you’re done, you can go drive some laps in a go cart. Can’t say the same for the Mr. Stick-in-the-ass golf course can you? Mini golf is where it’s at. All the competition, twice the attitude and none of the lame clothing and evil white guys…well, I’ve been called an evil white guy after I’ve laid a whuppin’ on some ass in mini golf but that’s for another time.

Which brings me to my original point: Phil Mickelson. Mickelson just blew some huge golfing tournament and he’s all over the sports news for choking yet again. Yeah, I don’t care either, but I do, from time to time, have to be subjected to Mickelson’s face on my TV and/or sports related website, so I felt I needed to say something about him. If you’ve never seen him, go and look at him after you’re done reading this. He’s the epitome of the evil white guy. Look up “evil white guy” in the dictionary and you’ll find Mickelson alongside Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and Adolph Hitler. The smugness of his face and the dead, reptilian gaze of his eyes are the stuff of nightmares for people of color all over the world. I shudder when I see him and I’m a big time honky!

I’m sure there are people in various ethnic groups who see one of their own and get bummed out because of how that person represents them as a people. Phil Mickelson is that person for me. I’m sure he was a slave owner in a past life and only puts up with Tiger Woods because Tiger routinely kicks the crap out of him.

Enough golf. Jesus how could I even write that much about it? Eww. I feel kind of dirty. I can only imagine how you feel. I’m going to try and write about the World Cup because it’s great…you might even say “I’m World Cup Crazy.” I’m not one of those American douche bags that will pump up soccer just to make the fat, lazy American sports fan mad, but I do believe the World Cup is a pretty awesome spectacle. More on that later.


Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Chappelle, I miss you

Just a note on some funny shit.

I caught an old Chappelle's Show last night. Old because there aren't any new ones being made.

There are a lot of funny moments from Dave's show but the one that was on last night made me laugh out loud. Now, I've seen this one probably five times, and yet I busted up.

The Negrodamus skit where the black Nostrodamus gives a studio audience his predictions was on and it contains two outstanding jokes. The first one, asked by an audience member goes, "Negrodamus, why is George Bush so sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?" Negrodamus calmly looks at the camera and says, "because he has the reciept." It's the perfect joke.

The second follows right after it. Another audience member asks Negrodamus, "what will happen to Star Jones on the view?"

Negrodamus, with the delivery of an assassin says, "Star Jones will still host the view. Then she will take her wig off and do the weather."

Like I said, I've seen it at least five times and I still burst out laughing. if ypu like Chappelle, you've probably laughed too. It's brilliant comedy writing and I hope Dave gets back to it somehow, some way.

In the meantime, I'm going to rent Dave's Block Party and wait for the comeback. It sure does feel good to laugh. Thanks Dave.


Thursday, June 08, 2006

Anne Coulter: Conservative Seductress or Shrieking Ugly Skank?

I guess if I have nothing to write about, I don’t force it. Sure, I could write several pages on how much I hate Katie Couric, but it’s kind of pushing it don’t you think? Don’t misunderstand me here, I DO hate Katie Couric. Her muppet-like face with skin stretched too tight over her skull turns my stomach every time I see her. She’s the epitome of smug whiteness and I was compelled recently to write about her because she was on the TV so damn much.

But that was relevant a couple weeks ago, and in true fashion, if I don’t jump on it right away, writing about it ends up having the allure of putting one of my balls in a shop vice. I just don’t “go there” “girlfriend.” (As a straight man you have to put “girlfriend” in quotes, otherwise you’re broadcasting to the world your gayness. I’ve broadcasted my “anus” many times to the world, but I digress.)

If it doesn’t actually move me to write about it, it’s just not worth it. And while my hatred for Katie Couric’s lame smugness does get me riled up, it didn’t get me to the computer. Anne Coulter did however, and I’m sure she likes it that way.

Let me preface this all by saying that I know she’s just a whore for attention. The only reason she said what she said about the 9/11 Widows is to promote her new book. I know how it goes; I’ve employed this tactic many times myself. Radio people do it too. They throw out a ridiculous statement and the calls come flooding in. It’s smart if you’re dumb enough to buy into it. See how that works?

Anne Coulter, aside from being incredibly ugly, is so starved for attention and so willing to do anything to promote herself, will take even the most ridiculous of stances to squeeze every last dime and every last ounce of attention she can get thrown her way. Yeah, sure, it’s the American way, but it doesn’t make it any less obnoxious.

She’s ugly as a rubber Halloween mask left over in a bargain bin but it’s really her tone and demeanor that make her as offensive as she is. There’s nothing worse than a man or woman who are so upset about their own opinion, that their faces become twisted, horrid masks as they speak. Coulter is exactly like that. Her eyes bulge from their deep sockets and the veins stand out in her neck. You should be this passionate about something important like anal bleaching; Coulter gets this way over “liberals” acting like the wankers they are. Why is this surprising and upsetting?

The “liberal” tag is soooo 2004. When I hear someone railing against “liberals” it’s like I’m hearing a dumb catchphrase from the 90’s. Have you ever heard Carson Daly say something like “Krunk?” Yeah, it’s painful. You feel sorry for him and you’re pissed off because you know how passé and awkward it all is. That’s how I feel when someone like Anne Coulter says the word “liberal.” It’s so paranoid sounding when she says it, you could put “communist” in there and you’d have time traveled back to the future like Calvin Klein….I mean Marty McFly. Back to the Future was on cable recently and I watched it like three times.

Liberals are lame. I’ll agree with that even though I’ve voted for the democratic candidate ever since I could vote. They suck. They are spineless and can’t get anything done because they haven’t adopted the hard line, ‘with us or against us’ attitude the folks across the aisle have. They are seen as weak because, well, they kind of are, and the only thing people respect is cramming your own beliefs down other people’s throats.

With that said, the “conservatives” (doesn’t quite have the bad connotation that liberal does huh?) are worse. They are stuck in their ways, psychotic war mongers who respect money and power above anything else. All the while pretending they are righteous and believe in this magical entity that will take them all up to heaven any day now. They are intrinsically racist in their policies and do everything in their power to make the rich richer and make the poor keep buying a bunch of shit they don’t need. I can respect someone standing up for what they believe and not wavering, but when you’re a hypocritical asshole, it kind of loses its romantic appeal.

So how you can attack one of them and not the other is beyond me. I’m sure at a basic level, Coulter may have a point or two about “liberals.” It’s easy though. So why won’t she take it to the other guy? You know they fuck up just as worse and have caused way more damage then their wimpy counterparts. It’s because Coulter has a fan base of stupid, scared, misinformed, closet racists who would open their legs to their cousin before they’d open their minds to an alternate belief system.

Coulter is the political equivalent to a hip hop feud. It’s ridiculous, pointless and only designed to sell more product. Someone will get hurt (hopefully Coulter) and most rational people look at it and can’t believe how stupid it is. If more people would realize that this is a white people version of Tupac and Biggie, no one would take this horrible human seriously.

Which brings me to what Coulter said about the 9/11 Widows. Because of their political affiliation, Coulter ragged on these women for milking their stardom. She said that we shouldn’t take what happened to them as an excuse for their “liberalism” or some shit like that. Ok sure. I’m never one to let a tragedy excuse someone’s behavior. Being from Colorado, we saw a lot of “milking it” because of the Columbine massacre and I was front and center giving it to the people who were the biggest offenders. But if someone is being an asshole, let them know they’re being an asshole, don’t bring political affiliation into it. Who cares? If a 9/11 Widow is critical of Bush, (they probably has a point considering how Bush either caused or let 9/11 happen) debate her on the issues (ha) do you really need to bring liberalism into it? Coulter speaks out of both sides of her mouth. One side she says they’re wrong for using their tragedy to push a liberal agenda. From the other side, the…uh…good side?…she pushes her conservative agenda by hyping this up way more than anyone cares.

Did you even know anything about this until she opened her trap? I didn’t. It’s like she sat around and thought, “hmmm, what group can I attack that will cause the most controversy, but I can back up by saying ‘liberal’ a whole lot? Those 9/11 Bitches all voted for Kerry, I think I’ll fuck with them!”

And that’s what it comes down to. A lot of people will be pissed off that she attacked the 9/11 Widows and Coulter will claim they’re fair game when they start to voice their opinion in the political area. I would actually agree with her on that. But this retard is just promoting a book and she got all the attention she wanted from this statement. I feel cheap and used for even talking about this…kind of like I got drunk at a party and Coulter felt me up in the bathroom…..ewww.

I think this will (hopefully) backfire on this troll for the simple fact that everyone still holds 9/11 as sacred. This will only confuse the conservative fan base because most of these people will bend over backwards and lick their own ass to put a bumper sticker proclaiming “Never Forget 9/11!” on their SUV. If they get behind Coulter on this, then I’ll know the End Times are coming.

If you open your mouth be prepared to have someone’s foot shoved in it no matter who you are or what you’ve gone through. What Coulter can’t get through her obviously Skeletor-like thick skull is that conservatives should be judged by the same rules. My foot is ready Anne, open wide you shrieking ugly skank.