I’m pretty sure most of you either don’t care or don’t know who Phil Mickelson is. Don’t know because he’s a golfer. Don’t care because he’s the epitome of the evil white man.
Golf sucks. Not the game itself, just the people who do it. Golf is a very hard, technically demanding sport that can be fun. I’ve golfed before and while it usually involved getting really high and giggling in the golf cart, it’s a fairly fun way to spend a couple of hours out doors.
But golf culture sucks. It’s all lame white guys with visible sticks up their asses, and lame black guys who act like lame white guys just because Tiger Woods, by sheer force of his talent, forced whitey to accept him. I’m not a Tiger Woods fan, but I love the fact that he crashed the party. But Tiger is just one of them. He’s an uptight white guy with brown skin. A total fucking pussy who swings a metal club and people get on their knees to blow him wherever he goes.
If Dennis Rodman was as good a golfer as he was a rebounder, the white golfer wouldn’t have accepted him like they do Tiger Woods. Tiger was one of them from an early age and that made it easy for whitey to accept him. The fact that he’s one of the greatest golfers in the world didn’t hurt either. Dennis Rodman would have beat up somebody in the gallery and pissed in the 7th hole by now.
Golf culture sucks because it’s one of those things that tons of people do because they have to. It’s good for business, it’s what you do when you live in the suburbs, and it’s what you do if you want to belong. It’s very rigid and if you’re not doing something right, some asshole will be on you telling you what you’re doing wrong. One time we got yelled at for going to slow. We had just gotten done smoking a big doobie and I thought we were busted. But the only heinous act we had committed was moving too slow (because we sucked, not because we were stoned….or did we suck because we were stoned?) and this jerk let us have it. Golf is like the last bastion of the ol’ boy network. Maybe they can’t be outwardly racist (Tiger wouldn’t say anything regardless because an endorsement might be at stake), but they sure can make you play by their rules. And that’s cool, I just won’t participate anymore. Keep your expensive sport and keep your shitty clothes. Keep your inane small talk and shove your cheap sense of superiority back in your ball bag. I’m not playing anymore.
But what I have been playing for the last couple of years is miniature golf. Here you have all the fun and technical challenges of golf, but in a much cheaper, less hostile environment. Sure you can’t smoke dope and drink beer on the course, but you sure can in the car before hand. Miniature golf just plain fucking rules.
And despite the great courses most mini golf places offer, when you’re done, you can go drive some laps in a go cart. Can’t say the same for the Mr. Stick-in-the-ass golf course can you? Mini golf is where it’s at. All the competition, twice the attitude and none of the lame clothing and evil white guys…well, I’ve been called an evil white guy after I’ve laid a whuppin’ on some ass in mini golf but that’s for another time.
Which brings me to my original point: Phil Mickelson. Mickelson just blew some huge golfing tournament and he’s all over the sports news for choking yet again. Yeah, I don’t care either, but I do, from time to time, have to be subjected to Mickelson’s face on my TV and/or sports related website, so I felt I needed to say something about him. If you’ve never seen him, go and look at him after you’re done reading this. He’s the epitome of the evil white guy. Look up “evil white guy” in the dictionary and you’ll find Mickelson alongside Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and Adolph Hitler. The smugness of his face and the dead, reptilian gaze of his eyes are the stuff of nightmares for people of color all over the world. I shudder when I see him and I’m a big time honky!
I’m sure there are people in various ethnic groups who see one of their own and get bummed out because of how that person represents them as a people. Phil Mickelson is that person for me. I’m sure he was a slave owner in a past life and only puts up with Tiger Woods because Tiger routinely kicks the crap out of him.
Enough golf. Jesus how could I even write that much about it? Eww. I feel kind of dirty. I can only imagine how you feel. I’m going to try and write about the World Cup because it’s great…you might even say “I’m World Cup Crazy.” I’m not one of those American douche bags that will pump up soccer just to make the fat, lazy American sports fan mad, but I do believe the World Cup is a pretty awesome spectacle. More on that later.