Monday, June 19, 2006

Phil Mickelson and Adolph Hitler were out golfing one day...

I’m pretty sure most of you either don’t care or don’t know who Phil Mickelson is. Don’t know because he’s a golfer. Don’t care because he’s the epitome of the evil white man.

Golf sucks. Not the game itself, just the people who do it. Golf is a very hard, technically demanding sport that can be fun. I’ve golfed before and while it usually involved getting really high and giggling in the golf cart, it’s a fairly fun way to spend a couple of hours out doors.

But golf culture sucks. It’s all lame white guys with visible sticks up their asses, and lame black guys who act like lame white guys just because Tiger Woods, by sheer force of his talent, forced whitey to accept him. I’m not a Tiger Woods fan, but I love the fact that he crashed the party. But Tiger is just one of them. He’s an uptight white guy with brown skin. A total fucking pussy who swings a metal club and people get on their knees to blow him wherever he goes.

If Dennis Rodman was as good a golfer as he was a rebounder, the white golfer wouldn’t have accepted him like they do Tiger Woods. Tiger was one of them from an early age and that made it easy for whitey to accept him. The fact that he’s one of the greatest golfers in the world didn’t hurt either. Dennis Rodman would have beat up somebody in the gallery and pissed in the 7th hole by now.

Golf culture sucks because it’s one of those things that tons of people do because they have to. It’s good for business, it’s what you do when you live in the suburbs, and it’s what you do if you want to belong. It’s very rigid and if you’re not doing something right, some asshole will be on you telling you what you’re doing wrong. One time we got yelled at for going to slow. We had just gotten done smoking a big doobie and I thought we were busted. But the only heinous act we had committed was moving too slow (because we sucked, not because we were stoned….or did we suck because we were stoned?) and this jerk let us have it. Golf is like the last bastion of the ol’ boy network. Maybe they can’t be outwardly racist (Tiger wouldn’t say anything regardless because an endorsement might be at stake), but they sure can make you play by their rules. And that’s cool, I just won’t participate anymore. Keep your expensive sport and keep your shitty clothes. Keep your inane small talk and shove your cheap sense of superiority back in your ball bag. I’m not playing anymore.

But what I have been playing for the last couple of years is miniature golf. Here you have all the fun and technical challenges of golf, but in a much cheaper, less hostile environment. Sure you can’t smoke dope and drink beer on the course, but you sure can in the car before hand. Miniature golf just plain fucking rules.

And despite the great courses most mini golf places offer, when you’re done, you can go drive some laps in a go cart. Can’t say the same for the Mr. Stick-in-the-ass golf course can you? Mini golf is where it’s at. All the competition, twice the attitude and none of the lame clothing and evil white guys…well, I’ve been called an evil white guy after I’ve laid a whuppin’ on some ass in mini golf but that’s for another time.

Which brings me to my original point: Phil Mickelson. Mickelson just blew some huge golfing tournament and he’s all over the sports news for choking yet again. Yeah, I don’t care either, but I do, from time to time, have to be subjected to Mickelson’s face on my TV and/or sports related website, so I felt I needed to say something about him. If you’ve never seen him, go and look at him after you’re done reading this. He’s the epitome of the evil white guy. Look up “evil white guy” in the dictionary and you’ll find Mickelson alongside Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and Adolph Hitler. The smugness of his face and the dead, reptilian gaze of his eyes are the stuff of nightmares for people of color all over the world. I shudder when I see him and I’m a big time honky!

I’m sure there are people in various ethnic groups who see one of their own and get bummed out because of how that person represents them as a people. Phil Mickelson is that person for me. I’m sure he was a slave owner in a past life and only puts up with Tiger Woods because Tiger routinely kicks the crap out of him.

Enough golf. Jesus how could I even write that much about it? Eww. I feel kind of dirty. I can only imagine how you feel. I’m going to try and write about the World Cup because it’s great…you might even say “I’m World Cup Crazy.” I’m not one of those American douche bags that will pump up soccer just to make the fat, lazy American sports fan mad, but I do believe the World Cup is a pretty awesome spectacle. More on that later.



Anonymous said...

I dunno....I got on the website for "The Mick" and he doesn't look all that evil to me. He kind of looks like he may have been a spoiled fat kid know, the kid who picks on the small kids because he's insecure.

I too love the miniature golf and it pisses me off that Put Put is has shut down all over. Gawdammit they're taking away my memories and putting up Taco Bells.

J Reidy said...

well, evil in a bloated, pasty kind of way. spoiled fat kid for sure.

if you're in the Denver area, the Boondocks fun center thing up north is great. the mini golf courses are top notch and there's go karts, laser tag....good times.


Anonymous said...

You Uncle Tom whitey. You bet you're just a honkey! Your lame ass racist assumes a black man cannpot like golf? Just like the rascist of old assuming we "negroes" cannot like chess because we're "not mentally developed enough" to play the game.

NEWSFALSH: It's a game, and African Americans are just as capable to kick some ass as in any sport.

J Reidy said...

"Negroe" please!

go and re-read what i wrote. no where in that post did i say that black people are incapable of enjoying or excelling at golf. you were so busy playing the race card that you came up with some pretty wild conclusions.

i don't like tiger woods and that doesn't make me a racist. there are tons and tons of black people who love and enjoy golf...and my point was that they end up becoming like the tight assed white people who don't want them there.

(side note to the sane people who are reading this: i get so fucking sick of these numbskulls who refuse to read the actual post and then jump at the chance to rail on and on about something that has nothing to do with it. thanks,i had to vent.)

that post was about evil white guys. no where in it was anything talking about how black people can't play chess.(?) i am an equal opportunity offender, so if you come playing the race card again, i'm going to get nasty. save that shit for the actual racists you reactionary asshole.

the name of the article mentions Phil Mickelson and Hitler golfing together for fuck's sake! READ!

and here's a newsflash for you, it's spelled 'newsflash', not NEWSFALSH, although that's pretty funny. see, i didn't make a joke about black people not being able to spell did i?


Anonymous said...

Hey JR -

Ummm whatever for that dude.

THought you might like this review... I laughed so hard I started crying.


Anonymous said...

Helps to paste link


J Reidy said...

that is deserves its own post and my comments of course.


Anonymous said...

hey JR - I bet your mama likes Tiger Woods.

J Reidy said...

after tiger won the british open, YOUR mama was licking his sweaty balls and she looked up and said, "you taste just like my son anonymous!"


Anonymous said...

I thought I was the only guy who hates "lefty".
Or, man boobs as I'd like to call him only this season he lost like 25lbs to compete with Tiger. so it's gonna be a training bra instead of a full size "bro".