Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I'm Over Here Now

Don't Forget....

I'm now going to post all new content here:

Please direct your porn box to that location.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Update your Goddamn Bookmarks!!!

Don't Forget....

I'm now going to post all new content here:

Please direct your porn box to that location.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Hey Carlos, maybe it's just that you are terrible.

Wasting breath or infinite internet space on Carlos Mencia is really a shame. But that talentless hack has moved me to write something.

Mencia is the shitty comedian who hosts his show Mind of Mencia on Comedy Central. If you’ve ever seen it, you’re dumber for the experience. It’s a sloppy, half-assed and very racist rip-off of Dave Chapelle’s show. It seems that once Chapelle left the Comedy Central family, they were very desperate to fill that slot with something, anything, and Mencia took a dump in the right place at the right time.

This show is awful. Take away everything about how racist and “controversial” it is and it just flat out sucks. Mencia is the lowest grade comedian, it’s shocking that this is on the air. But apparently there are some really stupid people out there who eat this shit up. Go figure. I’ll guarantee the bulk of the audience for Mind of Mencia is white. And thus the trend of catering to a white audience while insulting them is played out further.

Watch just two minutes of it and you will understand. There are cheesy improv groups in the bowels of our country turning out better comedy than this man who has his own show on a popular cable network. It must get pretty good ratings because no exec at Comedy Central would have let this go on if it wasn’t making money.

With that said, let’s get to the racism. Mencia ended a recent show by saying “if you don’t think this is funny, then you are an uptight white guy.” Wow. Well, I am white. I’m not uptight. So where does that leave us? How about that it’s just not funny? Chapelle, who I consider a brilliant comedian, did a lot of racial humor and it worked well. He not only skewered white and black people, but Asian and Hispanics as well. Mencia might appear to lambaste his fellow Hispanic, but his bread and butter is sticking it to whitey.

It’s so easy and obvious to chalk up not liking something to being a certain color. How about if I said, “hey! Use these condoms. If you don’t want to, you’re an uptight Mexican!” Or “hey! Here are some smart economic decisions. If you don’t want to employ them then you’re an uptight black guy!” That’s pretty bad right? Well it’s really no worse than what Mencia shits out on a weekly basis on Comedy Central. But it’s ok to be racist to white people right?

No. Racism sucks no matter who it’s aimed at. It’s even worse when it’s used as a fall back when someone’s comedy is sadly sub-par.

Mencia’s life is unfortunately more funny than his show. He pretends to be Mexican but he’s really like half Honduran and half German. Not a lot of racist comedy gold to be mined when you’re actually half “white” yourself. He’s a joke stealer (famously documented by Joe Rogan in those YouTube clips), and did several painful Bud Lite ads focusing on his unique (read: bad) take on racial humor. I can’t express to you how terrible he is. Since I’m posing as writer, I should at least try: there is a dude with greasy hair and no teeth bagging groceries and busting better jokes down at the local supermarket than Carlos Mencia is right now.

Racial humor can be very funny. When it’s done right, it exposes the differences between us in a comedic way instead of the usual hateful way a lame racist joke is told by a creep at your local bar. I’ll bet that Carlos Mencia isn’t even a racist; he’s just using anti-white sentiments because he has nothing else. He’s the worst kind of comedian who’s running on fumes and the only thing he can do is crap out a weak “white guy” joke. And if that’s the best thing you can dig out of your comedic bag, you really and truly suck.

And if you don’t like what I’ve written then you’re an uptight (insert race and gender here).


Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Speaking of Bush...

Speaking of Bush, I was just watching his live news conference where he answered questions ranging from oil prices to Iraq. Maybe they’re related?

While watching him, I was struck by how bizarre he acts. I haven’t seen him in awhile. In reality, no one has seen him in awhile. He’s been laying low as his popularity does the same thing. It won’t help the Republicans in November if that doof is seen (and heard) showcasing his marvelous talent for ruining a major world power.

But he is a weirdo. He would make a very eccentric CEO of a company at best. I think when he was Governor of Texas, people liked him because he was quirky, seemingly friendly and down to earth. Now, on the greatest stage a public figure can reach, he just seems twitchy, uncomfortable and confused. You know the SNL Jeopardy sketch where Norm MacDonald plays Burt Reynolds? Shades of that but with more ape-like innocence.

It’s like a great college football player reaching the pros only to be exposed on the grand stage. Being President, I would imagine, takes a lot of concentration and measured action. Bush has neither of these and no amount of genius “helpers” can hide it. He manages to get by, but he flails while doing it; almost like at any moment he’s going to scream and slap at his face (Three Stooges Style) and run off stage, getting tangled in the curtain and lying there like a scared animal caught in a trap.

And that’s who we put into to the most important job in the world. I say WE because he’s all of OUR problem now. I may not have voted for him (twice) but now I have to deal with him. As an American I can’t wear a shirt proclaiming I didn’t vote for him (well, I guess I could) but since I’ve been funding his war through my tax dollars, he’s my mistake too.

Republicans won’t ever take responsibility for their mistakes. That is such a dangerous way to live and we’re seeing the results of that arrogance right now. Democrats are pussies and won’t defend themselves when unfairly blamed for stuff they were probably too spineless to stop. This man is the biggest joke America has put forth since the Star Wars Prequels: one side won’t admit the mistake while the other is too weak to totally distance themselves from it.

I loved the idea that back when King George was (not) elected the first time “he seems like a great guy to have a beer with.” That’s rich. First of all, when he was drinking, I’ll be he was a mean drunk. And second, when would any of the dolts who voted for him ever get a chance to sit down and have a brew with him? Third, would he really be that much fun to have a beer with? I’m thinking he’d be about as much fun as a murderous, money obsessed, born again Christian could be. That sounds GREAT.

He’s still yapping away up there. Waxing poetic about congress and how his administration saw this gas crunch coming a long time ago….hey wait! That would explain his invasion of Iraq right? His delivery is stilted and choppy. He seems to get lost in the middle of what he’s saying. It’s like if you pulled me out of 4th of July BBQ after five beers and asked me to address the United Nations. It wouldn’t be smooth. That did happen, and it wasn’t smooth.

But that’s OUR President. Dumb, drunk on power (probably just drunk) and not playing golf anymore because it wouldn’t be right for the families of fallen soldiers to see him enjoying himself while young people give their lives for a lie. There’s a bumper sticker that says: He’s not MY President! He may not be YOUR President, but he’s OUR problem. And while you can’t punish him, you can punish anyone who had his back over the last 8 years. You seem like a smart person. I’ll bet you’d be great to have a beer with.


Monday, July 14, 2008

Chickens....coming home....roosting

The chickens have come home to roost.

All over Denver (and I'm sure it's the same in whatever city you live in), I see people riding bikes and scooters.

It's miraculous actually. I see people who look like they haven't been on a bike in years pedaling away their high gas price blues.

And I see the same assholes in their SUV's who still haven't removed their Bush/Cheney bumper stickers chugging away in their monstrosities, no doubt paying upwards of $60-$70 to fill their tanks.

Great work you fucking losers. You sank your money into that gas guzzler because it was the cool thing to do. It made you feel cool, important and better than all those "liberal" whiners who wouldn't shut up about global warming, conservation and sustainability. Well, you showed them didn't you?

Back when we printed the Hooligan (and t-shirts with catchy slogans for said magazine), we had a saying: FU SUV.

And while the drivers of those vehicles may be saying the same thing, the joke is squarely on them.

A big fuck you to all who blindly supported Bush and his buddies while they raped everyone up the ass to make a buck. The blinders you put on must have made it really easy to avoid seeing what was going on.


Thursday, June 12, 2008

New Comic

got a new comic up at

if you have no idea what i'm talking about, me and my ol' buddy Aaron Mikulich have been collaborating on a comic. We have two up right now. Let us know what you think....or not.


Wednesday, May 07, 2008

If You're Going to the Olympics in China...

Do me a favor.

If you know someone going to the Olympics in China this year, I need you to do something for me.

When they ask you if they can get you anything while they are there, say "YES!"

"You can bring all of our manufacturing jobs back."

Chances are the won't be able to carry that back with them, but it's the thought that counts.

In five years when literally EVERYTHING will be made in China, where does the guy who was born to work in a factory go for work? Douchebag Republicans will tell you all about the "changing marketplace" and how "people have to adapt to the changing marketplace." And "we live in technology base marketplace now, people have to adapt to it!"

Yeah, tell that to the guy with the junior high education who has no clue about how to use a computer. He's going to adapt to smoking meth and robbing your house when things get really bad.

And the technological marketplace is a load of shit too. The U.S. outsources more and more technology jobs to places like India every day. When the asshole who tells you about the "changing marketplace" has his job downsized to India, does he change his tune?

I don't hate these countries. We've done the same thing for years. They're just feeding their families like everyone else. I do hate the fact that every day, more and more of our goods are made somewhere else and sold back to us. This should be the number one priority on any wannabe President's agenda. Because when there are no jobs left, who will be able to buy the cheaply made Chinese crap?

So ask anyone going to China this summer if they can bring back just a job or two. It may just keep some meth head from stealing all the Chinese made goods out of your house.


Monday, May 05, 2008

No Surprise Here: NIN Still Sucks

The following link has a story about the new Nine Inch Nails album. If you want to spare yourself the agony of reading yet another Pitchfork article pumping up a major musical has-been, I’ll recap for you.

The title of the article says “Yet Another Surprise New Nine Inch Nails Album” and it goes on to talk about how Trent Reznor is giving it away for free. I don’t know why this is surprising. After Radiohead forged a bold new path by virtually giving away their last crap fest for free, it’s not surprising at all that Trent Reznor would knock over his own mother jumping on this bandwagon.

This is, after all, the same guy who became immensely popular by ripping off an already existing musical style being used by Ministry and repackaging it for dumb teenagers all across America. So it should come as no surprise that this hack would immediately adopt the flavor of the month as far as album distribution. But just like his music, bland honkies in the farthest reaches of our country will find this gimmick to be unique, original and trail blazing. Reznor will once again look like a hero by recycling other people’s ideas and making them Hot Topic Ready.

Reznor offers the free album “as a thank you to our fans for your continued support.” Yeah, he definitely owes the dolts who have kept him employed for the last 18 years because without those dim bulbs he’d be selling keyboards at a Guitar Center by now.

The best part of this is that Radiohead came out and said they didn’t know if their “pay as much as you like” gambit was even worth it; thus casting doubt on the whole scheme. I’m sure Reznor just about choked on his ball gag when he heard this, having already announced his plans to give away the album. If Radiohead included a free sample of Anthrax (the biological weapon not the band) in every CD or download, Trent Reznor and every other reactionary musician with no original ideas would start asking around about a how to get some for themselves. Maybe they should put some Anthrax the band in there just make it bearable.

In short, NIN has been making music for brainless teenagers for quite awhile now. Sad, lonely teenagers who are incapable of finding better, angst filled music for themselves. Fans of this band would be wearing Insane Clown Posse makeup if they hadn’t heard NIN first. This is just another marketing trick in a long line of tricks used by this snake oil salesman in black to convince dumb people that NIN is talented, viable and deserves your attention.

I’m all for free music, but if I took a shit in my hand and held out telling you it was free, would you take my hand?


Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Obama’s New Catchphrase

So I was watching the results from the Pennsylvania primary a little while back. The report said Clinton won because of the support of white women. They broke down the voting for said white women and it went something like 68% for Hillary and 22% for Barack. I don’t know where the other 10% went.

The reporter made a big deal how this was a big deal for Hillary and subsequently for Barack due to the fact that white women prefer Clinton.

And then it hit me. The perfect catchphrase for Obama after the Pennsylvania primary. Borrowing Cleavon Little's line from the comedy classic Blazing Saddles, Obama should just come out and say:


Simple, effective and to the point. Where indeed are all his white women at? I'm sure someone somewhere is using this to make white people look more racist. And speaking of which, this catchphrase is still better than Rush Limbaugh’s “where all my prescription drugs at?” McCain’s “where am I at?” and Bill O’Reilly’s “where all my white women I can sexually harass at?”


Wednesday, April 09, 2008

The Most Overrated Albums of all Time

As I finished this list, I decided to see if anyone else had this bright idea. Much to my surprise, a lot of people had the same bright idea. Oddly enough some of my top ranked overrated albums were common to other lists. And then there were some albums that all the writer could say about was “I don’t get it.” Well, that’s kind of a cop out. You might not like the Arcade Fire, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t good. Just because your taste sucks and you know how to access the internet is no reason to spread your drivel like so much bad mayonnaise. With that, I hope you like my list. And if you don’t, there’s the internet. Use it.

10. Liz Phair - Exile In Guyville

Take away the fact that the title is a bad Stones reference. No, it’s a terrible Stones reference. Is Guyville all she could come up with? Guyville sounds like a gay sports bar for accountants. This is a classic example of an extremely overrated album because 1) it’s awful and 2) every white woman aged 34-40 owns it or name checks it. Notice I didn’t say they still listened to it.

With it’s faux feminism masquerading as hot blow jobs (worked for Alanis too), there isn’t a single hook, lyric or melody that you could point to that would make it as popular as it seems. Chicks and several lame dudes ate this up because Phair was an unpleasant mix between Sheryl Crow and Courtney Love; singing about giving head and really nothing else. I hear it’s being re-released as a “deluxe” edition. I just threw up in my mouth too.

9. Metallica - Master of Puppets

I know, not a popular choice, but here me out: Of the early output of Metallica (before they cut their hair, got their lips pierced and proceeded to fully suck cat ass) it’s by far the weakest. Ride the Lightning is to Master as Exile in Guyville is to whitechocolatespaceegg….ok, bad example.

Master signified the end of this Metallica era. With the death of Cliff Burton the band ultimately moved on to browner pastures. It also signified their entrance into the arena rock posturing that has cost them their most important asset: credibility. With that said, Master of Puppets is still a great album. There is some of Metallica’s finest work on here, but overall it’s looked to as their overall best work and that is simply not true. And for that, it makes this list.

8. Sufjan Stevens - Illinois

Indie rock creeps wet themselves a few years back declaring this pretentious knob the greatest thing since the advent of the porn box (your computer). I’ve tried to listen to it and its saccharine-y self consciousness just makes me ill.

Check out the picture of this wanker wearing his wings. Can you really take him seriously? He certainly takes himself very seriously. Fanboys and indie rock web editors put this jag off on a pedestal so high it was impossible to inform him that he might just suck as bad as Liz Phair. I’m sure he’d just flap his wings and fly away to make another cutesy album about a state. Here’s a state for you: the state of catatonia you’ve put me in with your bad music.

7. Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

More like “this album is a Lemon that has cause Infinite Sadness in anyone who invested an ounce of themselves into modern rock.” A little long but fairly accurate. Other than the first track, this is a double album’s worth of steaming dog piss. And yet it’s probably their best selling and critically received. Go figure.

Corgan adopted his bald headed, Nosferatu persona at this point; utilizing flowing tunics and Bowie-esque theatrics. But without the talent and musical ingenuity of the thin white duke. If there ever was a blowhard emperor of rock who fiddled away while his fan base and integrity burned to the ground, Corgan would be on the official coin on Blowhardia.

6. Notorious B.I.G - Life After Death

Spotty hip hop with a handful of bona fide classic jams on it. With the stink of Sean “Puffy” Combs all over it, this album was released after B.I.G. was killed, therefore guaranteeing its place in the pantheon of hip hop classics. Biggie was a pretty talented dude, but would this have been as huge if he hadn’t died? Probably. Really because hip hop is a singles driven medium and there are some bangers on this, but it doesn’t deserve half the hype it was afforded. And really, why did anyone think it was a good idea for Puff Jiggly to whisper “Bad Boy” over every single goddamned track? He absolutely ruined ¾ of the songs on this record simply by opening his mouth. You have to have some sort of personality disorder to inject yourself that much into someone else’s work. But I guess he was dead so he had no way to stop him. Great work you douche bag.

5. Pearl Jam - Entire Discography

If Nirvana was the Beatles and Soundgarden was the Stones, Pearl Jam are the Monkees. A fabricated band made up to milk the pacific north west grunge cash cow. That’s actually an insult to the Monkees who had some pretty good songs. But you get the idea.

My distaste for Pearl Jam has abated over the last couple of years but my gall for the fans of the band still remains toxic. The band and its output has been mediocre at best yet the fans put them up there with some of the greats in the music world. And have you listened to “Jeremy” from 1991‘s Ten album? Not very good. Do you know what Soundgarden offered up in 1991? Badmotorfinger that’s what. “Rusty Cage” blows away anything PJ has done in its entire career. And which one is considered the better band by white dudes in their 30’s? That’s the sole definition of overrated.

4. The Rolling Stones - Exile on Main Street

Ironic that this great classic album should share the same list as the cheap knockoff offered up by Liz Phair. It is a great, classic album. No doubt there. But even though it’s looked to as the “greatest” Stones album it merely comes in second or third in that race. People who want to seem hip or have read the manual on how to respond when asked what the best Stones album is will reply “Exile,” but we all know Sticky Fingers is a better album song by song.

This falls under the category that Master of Puppets (and a few more to follow) did in that it’s a fantastic album; it’s just not the best the music listening masses would like you to believe. I could write several pages on why Exile is good, but I only need two paragraphs to tell you why it makes this list.

3. Pet Sounds - The Beach Boys

Ug. Hipsters took up the Brian Wilson rallying cry in the mid 90’s and I’m still not sure if they were just being ironic. Sure I can give Wilson some credit for great harmonies and using a theremin, but really, this IS the Beach Boys were talking about.

The Beach Boys epitomized everything that I hated about music when I got old enough to know better. Cheeseball shit that sounded like it was custom made for dorks. Even the album cover ranks up there with one of the worst/hilarious rock and roll photos ever. I know the argument is that the Beatles influenced this with Rubber Soul and Pet Sounds in turn influenced them with Sgt. Pepper’s but Rubber Soul is a genius piece of work. Whereas Sgt. Pepper’s….well, you might just want to stay tuned.

I still think that someone, somewhere was making a joke when he proclaimed Pet Sounds to be brilliant. Then gullible hipsters ate it up and parroted that same notion, confounding people with taste like myself. Hey everybody let’s listen to Jan and Dean! They’re awesome! Suckers.

2. Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon

I once got into a heated exchange with my brother and a friend the time I declared Dark Side of the Moon to be “not very good.” The kind of reaction I got was to be expected from people who have been conditioned from a young age to love this boring piece of shit record.

Like most things on this list, there are better albums by this group. Yet, for some reason, this is held up to be one of the greatest albums of all time. Hogwash. Complete and utter hogwash. I can’t remember the song, and doing so would mean I’d have to actually listen to it again, but there are some female back up singers wailing away on it that sounds like someone who was doing too much cocaine was given too big a budget to record an album. It’s just over blown and ridiculous. Ridiculous like the notion that this album should be ranked as one of the greatest.

1. The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart Club Band

This album offers not only the greatest Beatles song, but one of the greatest pop songs ever written. “A Day in the Life” is the crowning achievement of not only songwriting but humanity in general. You can travel all over the world and there will be a guy with a guitar singing this on a street corner. It is just an epic song and I will argue to the death that it should be considered the greatest song of all time.

With that said, the album it comes from is truly the most overrated album of all time. Sure it changed the game in so many ways: the production was unique and way ahead of its time. The use of instruments and weird effects changed the music world as we know it. Sure, sure, sure. But it’s by far not the greatest Beatles album. Not even close. There’s some real clunkers of songs on here that just don’t catapult it to the level most have placed it. It’s great, don’t mis-read what I’m saying here, but it’s a third or fourth on the list of greatest Beatles albums for sure.

“Getting Better” and “She’s Leaving Home” are puzzling in their blandness. You can’t hit a home run every time, but shouldn’t what most consider “the greatest album of all time” be solid all the way through? Yes, it should. And Sgt. Pepper’s is not. Greatest album of all time? It’s up there sure. Totally overrated? You bet. The most overrated.


Thursday, April 03, 2008

Radiohead = U2...not a compliment

Radiohead sucks. And all you ass lickers who continue to promote, praise and worship these has-beens, can fuck right off.

Radiohead lost the plot after Amnesiac and that album was spotty at best. They have put out nothing but boring and bland shit since then and I would like to finally put it out there that Radiohead IS OVER. The only reason they continue to clog up Mp3 players and column after column of space on wank fests like Pitchfork (thank god no trees have been killed) is because they have the music buying public (well the ones who aren’t buying Madonna’s latest abortion) completely and utterly snowed as to who they really are.

Radiohead is today’s equivalent to U2. Now some of you might think this is a compliment. It’s not. Like U2, Radiohead has put out some incredible music. Put on some of the greatest live shows and dazzled fans with their unique and endearing interpretation of rock music. They’ve also faltered down the stretch like an aging athlete who can no longer carry the load. The ONLY think keeping them going is the good will they built up in the first part of their career.

U2 can do no wrong. They’ve sucked for a long time yet they are still considered one of the world’s greatest bands. I can think of two dozen bands who right now are making far better music than U2. Will they have the impressive catalogue that U2 boasts? No, probably not. But if we are judging current greatness by past accomplishments, O.J. Simpson, George W. Bush and Britney Spears would skip happily with Ghandi, Mother Teresa and MLK in a fairy tale land envisioned by indie rock dorks.

U2 will pop out a minor hit every now and awhile then coast on that for several years. Because of who they are and what they did (way back when), music fans will give them the pass. The Rolling Stones have been doing this for 30 years. The Stones, like U2 can do whatever they want because to say anything negative about them is tantamount to treason.

Sound like anyone you know?

Radiohead has crammed their way into this club too. It’s amazing that a band that has put out nothing but mediocre crap for the last couple of years, can still be held in high regard. Take a look at any music site and you will find several stories akin to “Radiohead’s Thom Yorke took a big shit today,” or “Radiohead has nothing new to add, just seeing if you’re paying attention” populating its pages. They don’t do anything and yet it’s reported on. Why? Because everyone has got it in their head that this band is still relevant and important, and to NOT report on them would be admitting that you are not relevant and important. It’s brilliant, top notch marketing.

Puff Daddy is the same way. We can all agree he sucks. Maybe he’s a talented producer but as a performer and a human being, he’s a complete sack of shit. Yet, does anyone come out and say this? No. Why? Because everyone’s afraid to do so. He’s still a popular man and more importantly, a rich man, so no one will stand up and point out what we all know: he sucks the sweat off Tony Little’s balls.

No indie hipster will admit that Radiohead has lost several steps. To do so would look bad in the eyes of all the other hipsters who have drank Thom Yorke’s Kool Aid. Hail to the Thief is such a bad and unfocused album it makes Ashlee Simpson records seem enjoyable. In Rainbows was only slightly better. I listened to that semi-stinker multiple times before realizing it’s like latte foam: a lot of air and kind of flavorless. The other aspect to the Radiohead phenomenon is that they did make good music at one point, and seeing them like this now is like seeing Superman die. Radiohead was the champion of all people who liked intelligent, important rock music. If you liked Radiohead, you were smart. You didn’t go in for all that meathead shit. They were heroes. You can respect the hell out of them (I do), but it’s time to finally admit that they are shadows of their former selves and making music that is sub par at best.

If you and your friends created In Rainbows, no record company would put that out. The only reason it got made and released (oddly enough by the band itself) is because Radiohead did it. Does anybody really want to hear the music Paul McCartney is making these days? No. But because he’s Paul McCartney we give him a polite pass.

Radiohead should keep making music. That’s their right. But let’s not step in a turd and pretend it smells like roses. The band is making uninspired music that sounds like everything else they’ve done for the last couple of years. Is that praiseworthy? Does that really earn them countless press on every music website? Separate yourself from who they are and what they’ve done and you will see a aging beauty who has no business playing the 25 year bombshell. Pam Anderson meet Radiohead. Radiohead meet your future.

The Rolling Stones and U2 are not relevant anymore. But like your grandfather, they should be afforded respect and admiration for the contributions they’ve made. Radiohead is not relevant anymore either. They’ve epitomized the law of diminishing returns with their lackluster musical output yet have forged bold new trails in marketing and promotion. Music geeks have ironically put them on a high pedestal because they can’t bear to see their heroes fall; writing stories about their every movement (bowel or otherwise).

So before the next bowel movement of an album by Radiohead comes out and bloggers and indie dorks everywhere rev up their false worship machine, take a page from the nostalgia act that is Radiohead and remember the “good ol’ days” when the band actually made music that mattered. And if you can’t buy this, have fun seeing these guys play their “bleep bloop“ snore fest music well into their 70‘s. Thom Yorke might even let you watch him take a shit….you can pay as little or as much as you want. I think we already have.


Monday, March 03, 2008

Duped by Good Charlotte? Don't Worry, I've got a $75 t shirt to sell you.

I think if you got into Good Charlotte when they came out, you can be forgiven. I’m sure you were young. They’ve been around for over 10 years now, so if you’re about 25 now, you were probably still in high school when you first heard the band.

Boy, I bet you feel stupid now.

And I’m not trying to diss you here. If you’ve realized your mistake, you may just be a pretty smart, well adjusted person. Lord knows I loved some shit in high school, but never anything as terrible as Good Charlotte.

I don’t know if there’s anyone else in the band other that the two ugly brothers with the tattoos. There probably is, but you’d never know it with those two creeps hogging the spotlight. I can see why you bought into it: tattooed pussies who “looked” like hard ass punks. Yeah, this would seem pretty cool to a 17 year old who hasn’t seen anyone else look like this. But now I’m betting most people who bought into Good Charlotte and the two ugly bastards who front it, are now feeling a bit ripped off.

Duped is more like it. You’ve been duped. Duped by some fame whoring, talent less twats who raped the current punk style and glued it to their crappy take on pop punk. The guys in Rancid saw these jack offs hit the stage and thought they were seeing themselves in some weird alternate reality they weren‘t aware of. Good Charlotte hit that stage and saw all you dollar signs sitting in the audience, buying their music and trying to be just like them.

The boys from Good Charlotte are more interested in selling you clothes than making music. That’s probably a good thing since they were so bad at making music in the first place. Third rate clothing has got to be better than fourth rate pop punk any day. The Madden brothers (the two uglies from Good Charlotte) have a clothing line (who doesn’t?) to cram down the throats of gullible teens these days. And that’s good considering their last album was a flop of monumental proportions. I guess when you’re too concerned with fashion, the music takes a hit.

And that’s why if you were into Good Charlotte, I think you were duped. Seeing pictures of these guys coming out of some store in LA with Paris Hilton and a bag containing goods worth more than any of their fans will make in six months lets me know that their whole punk thing was an act. They might have started out that way, but the second they made a tiny bit of money, they left that behind immediately to live their lives like the rich, spoiled Hollywood babies they were destined to be. Their “punk” look is just merely a costume now they put on to keep selling clothes and tickets to their shows.

Take for example the one GC brother who knocked up Nicole Richie. First of all, if you’re running in Nicole Richie’s cirlce, your “punk” gear looks like a costume anyway. Richie is a spoiled, LA party girl with no track record to the GC scene or any punk scene in general. How does this happen? Hey, if they like each other, that’s cool. Just don’t slap on your tattoos and black t shirt now because you’ve traded that all in the second you got with someone who is the antithesis of the genre you‘ve plundered. One of the GC brothers (we’ll call him Ugly Bastard 1 or UB1) was photographed at some “fashion week” event in a really nice suit and looking very subdued fashion wise. Very punk of you UB1, I’m sure all of your pop punk peers and fans were right there with you taking in all the great fashions. And come on, how lame is it that all of these musicians and rock stars are into “fashion.” Look, David Bowie I’ll give you. But how is it that some scumbags from Maryland who used punk and its clothing to catapult themselves to fame, suddenly find themselves ringside at a high falutin’ fashion show?

There is a disconnect with the fan base that happens eventually. The Rolling Stones milked it as long as they could but eventually knew that when they were jetting off to their homes in France or getting Knighted by the Queen, they couldn’t be singing about “working for the man” too much more. But GC and UB1 and UB2 want you to think they are still one of the people. They have the tattoos to prove it!

So if you bought into this lie, I’m sorry. Aping the style and hot music of the time has suckered in loads of people before you. GC was just one of the most recent to do it. Sure they’ll try to keep selling you on it (literally…they will sell you a $100 hoodie with some terrible print on it), but if you learned your lesson just move on and let these dicks fade into obscurity…counting money with tattooed fingers the whole way.


Wednesday, February 27, 2008

We have a new winner

This just in: The mohawk on kids has replaced the mullet as the new white trash haircut.

The next time you go out take a look around and see all the kids with mohawks. The common denominator? The kid's parents are typically slobby, white trash. You never see well dressed, or hip parents with kids who have mohawks.

I don't know why the lower classes have adopted this hair style for their kids but it really has to cease. Please stop imposing your lame hair cuts on your kids. They don't know any better, and it doesn't make them look cool.

I've been thinking about this for awhile and after just seeing a CNN story about a kid who had been kicked out of school for his mohawk, I felt it needed to be written down. In the story, the kid was kicked out of school because his mohawk was a distraction and the school didn't want him to have it. The parent (parent of the year I think CNN said) defended it by saying there was nothing in the rules about mohawks. They also said they would move him to another school instead of cutting it off....yes, move him to another school over a haircut.

Look, if you're a teenager and you choose to look a certain way that is controversial, I'm all for your right to look that way. But this is a kid who doesn't know shit. The parent is the one who wants this haircut because he/she thinks it makes them look cool. "Hey everybody! Look how cool my kid looks! Makes me look cool too right?" Not with that NASCAR shirt and crappy goatee it doesn't buddy.

So, yeah, if you want to uproot your kid, take him away from his friends and teach him to just move on to the next place once someone tells you 'no', go right ahead. He'll be moving on a lot in his life...with no friends and a stupid fucking haircut.

And isn't the mohawk really just an 80's haircut anyway? The mullet is essentially an 80's haircut but if you wore a mohawk in the 80's you got into fights. Now that the mullet has been declared "uncool," I guess it's only natural that a haircut that was so "uncool" during the mullet's zenith be popular now.

So a message to you dear reader: the next time you're out, look for the kids' mohawk. Then look for his white trash mom basking in that mohawk's reflected glory.

And a message to all you white trash, basking in that reflected glory: there's something else you can do for your dumb kid other than giving them a haircut that sets them apart for all the wrong reasons...prepare them for their future in the fast food industry by buying them a hair net to go with their cool haircut.


Monday, February 04, 2008

Super Bowl Suck Fest

Honestly, does anyone put any faith in the Super Bowl Commercials being good anymore? I know I’ve said this for years and years, but what was once a showcase for bland corporations to highlight their crappy products with clever and humorous ads, is now just a way to blow a lot of money and entertain stupid people.

It’s almost like everyone at the networks and the advertising agencies have given up pretending these ads are any good or have been any good for the last 15 years. Now it’s just “here’s some unfunny Pepsi commercials with animals attacking people! Enjoy.” They’re not even lying and telling us the ads are good which you know is nearly impossible for ad folk to do. When the lying sacks of shit who make the ads can’t muster the strength to toot their own nearsighted horns, you know the era of the “Super Bowl Commercial” is officially dead.

And with that glowing endorsement, here is my review of this year’s crap…I mean crop of Super Bowl Commercials:

Bud Lite had a series of commercials using the same theme of their product giving you some super power like breathing fire or flying. Then the use of that power went horribly wrong and Bud Lite would release a disclaimer telling you it didn’t do that anymore. Please see above about how lackluster all of these ads were and how it seems like the people who made them didn’t even give two shits and you will get a good idea about how effective these Bud Lite ads were. Kind of pointless, not very funny and still didn’t distract from the fact that Bud Lite tastes like cold filtered urine.

Bud Lite also had an ad where hen pecked dudes are dragged to a wine and cheese party only to have secreted in a supply of Bud Lite. “Wine is for fags and we just want to watch football,” is all this ad says, nay screams at you. Ladies, if you’re dating someone like this or related to this ad, cut ties now before he’s fat and bald and you’re planning on killing him in his sleep.

Another un-noteworthy Bud Lite ad featured Cavemen trying to get Bud Lite to a party. They say the word “suck” a bunch and the ad goes nowhere fast. I know there’s a cavemen/Bud Lite drinker parallel in here somewhere but I was so bored by this seemingly written by a 14 year old commercial, that I think I’ll just move on.

Under Armour had an ad where the black dude with the bulging neck veins is yelling at a bunch of people (all wearing said Under Armour) in a strange fascist like setting from Orwell’s 1984. In fact, it looked a lot like Apple’s 1984 ad only in bright colors and a fantastical multi-racial cast. I guess this clothing company is totally cool with having their spokesmen get up on a podium and shout “triumph of the will” like at people poised to play their best pick up basketball game of their lives. I know jock culture is very fascist at its core, but do you really want this to be associated with your product? I felt instead of those assembled going forth and playing sports like never before, they were going to start raping until they reached the sea. Sweat wicking fabric never looked so ugly.

And speaking of associations, do you really want your product to be associated with Sucking? Well that’s just what the fine folks at Pepsi did with their Justin Timberlake ad. The ad was alright and any time a cunt like Justin Timberlake can poke fun at himself, I’m ok with it. Don’t argue with me here. You’ve been brainwashed by this new and improve JT we’ve seen over the last couple of years. He’s still the douche from New Kids On The Block and his music sounds like he just ripped of Peaches, so don’t give me any guff about JT being cool. He’s not. In the ad he isn’t either and as some girl “sucks” her Pepsi, JT is drawn to her. Hence that sucking and Justin Timberlake go hand in hand. Again I ask you dear reader, do you really want to associate your product with this?

I do have a bias about the first Pepsi ad that was run during the SB. It was for Diet Pepsi Max and I know one of the actors in the ad. Now most Pepsi ads suck and are typically insulting to the intelligence of most people watching but I will say if Pepsi wants to pay someone I know a lot of money to be in their ad then I’ll say “Go Diet Pepsi Max!” Not really, but he was funny in it and deserves high praise even if it was a liquid I wouldn’t beer bong up my ass and spray in the face of Bill O’Reilly when he comes to Denver this summer for the DNC.

What is it with the use of animals in so many commercials? When was it decreed that animals=funny? Watch any movie trailer and if the main character gets attacked by an animal (either in the face or balls) and you can be assured it will be a horrible catastrophe masquerading as comedy. Looking at you Steve Zhan.

So many commercials used animals it was, well, unfunny as I previously claimed. Budweiser did a Rocky spoof involving a dog and a Clydesdale that was so bland and unoriginal I thought I had a large chunk of Two and a Half Men in my mouth.

Toyota had some ad about weasels chewing your face off and Fed Ex had something about killer carrier pigeons destroying a city. If these had been the only ads featuring animals they might have worked but after getting whipped across the face by furry tails for the first half of the game, I wasn’t having it.

Bridgestone used animals to successfully show their tires worked well avoiding the killing of animals but the Sobe Life Water ad featuring that super model who beat people with cell phones and dancing to “Thriller” with computer animated lizards was about as impactful as a baby fart in a bus station. If you’re titillated by an ad like this, you are either 10 years old or are wearing a diaper and a helmet. Rounding out the ads featuring animals, I was distracted by something during the start of a Doritos commercial only to catch the end where a guy in a mouse suit was beating the shit out of someone. Did I miss something here? Oh yeah, I missed how this is supposed to be funny. This commercial, like the flavor of Doritos, tastes like rat poison after you’ve had enough.

During half time of the super bowl, when I thought they’d really ramp it up, I was struck again by how uninspired and weak all of these ads were. It’s been like this for awhile and I’ll guaranteed that soon, if not even the next year, you’ll start seeing news articles on “How Come the Super Bowl Ads Aren’t Good Anymore?” Mark my words, it’s coming. And a big reason why is summed up in these two words:

Carlos Mencia. Not only are his Bud Lite commercials painfully unfunny and seemingly written by retarded 15 year olds, but Menica himself is about as humorous as a dead baby dragging from the bumper of an SUV. Carlos Mencia is the worst piece of shit currently stinking up the comedy world and any company that would employ him to sell their products apparently doesn’t need my money. It would take a lot to make me change the channel during a commercial, but Carlos Mencia and this terrible ad will do the trick. Whoever came up with this concept and whoever hired this cocksucker to sell Bud Lite should be fired and then shot out of a cannon into a dumpster filled with broken glass….then, made to hang out with people who like these ads for an entire weekend. That should fix em.

Planters had an ad where a terribly ugly woman was getting all sorts of attention from good looking guys. Later we find out she was attracting the fellas, not from some new perfume, but from rubbing Planters nuts on her neck and tits. Again, do we really want rubbing nuts on your chest to be associated with your product? I mean she was going to have nuts rubbed all over her face later if we are to believe this heinous freak was to hook up with some of these guys so whatever sells more nuts I guess.

There was a pretty good ad featuring a baby buying and selling stocks with E Trade. The baby was talking about how easy it was and then he spits up, thus confirming that he’s still a baby. Kind of cute, clever and involving vomit. Pretty much my criteria for a good commercial. Oh and if it involves Carlos Mencia’s death, I’d consider it good too.

Like I said before, the Super Bowl commercials have been bad for a long time and this was the first year I noticed the major media wasn’t going hog wild promoting them. This year was no different: the ads were uninspired, drab and nothing we haven’t seen before. It’s only a matter of time before the backlash starts. Perhaps that means better commercials, but really it just means Bud Lite will throw more money at the problem which ironically enough won’t improve the taste of their shitty beer.

So, like Grey’s Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, the last two Radiohead albums, anything written by Paul Haggis, American Idol, any kind of Dance Competition, Dane Cook and anything else that has enjoyed widespread popularity only to meet its inevitable demise once everyone figures out it sucks, I now add another titan to its ranks: Super Bowl Commercials. You’ve fooled us for a long time and now it’s obvious to even a blind man that you’ve worn out your welcome. You, like GW Bush had a great run while a small minority of us couldn’t understand how everyone else could be so dumb. But like GW, it’s all over now baby blue. Pack up your talking/attacking animals and please leave. Oh and don’t forget Carlos Mencia, he’s over in the corner counting his money and sucking.


UPDATE: I was just watching PTI on ESPN and they dedicated a small bit to have the Super Bowl commercials have year expect it more and the year after that even your local news will have a story on it....i know, i'm ahead of my time.