Friday, October 20, 2006

Gas, Grass or Ass: I love election time

I just passed a gas station on Colorado Blvd. here in Denver and regular unleaded was a mere $2.07 a gallon. That's the lowest it has been in so long, I can't even remember the last time I saw it that cheap.

The gas station that I filled up at earlier today (at $2.13 a gallon) is now $2.11 a gallon. Literally four hours later and the same station dropped its price by two cents.

Not boggling your scrotum? Well, if not you probably don't drive because two cents, combined with the close to 70 cent drop in gas prices in the last two months should give everyone who drives cause for celebration.

It actually caused me physical and mental pain to fill up my car over the summer. Partly because it was so fucking expensive and mainly because I knew the ridiculously exorbitant (extortive?) prices were going right into the pocket of all of Bush's buddies. Arabs and fat white dudes alike, all Bush allies, were reveling in the outrageous gas prices we all paid with a whimper. There's no denying it: Bush and crew took us to the cleaners and we took it with an uneasy smile.

So what do I really wish for? I wish every day could be a time when Republicans are facing reelection where voters are pissed. That's the only reason gas prices have dropped like they have. They've gouged just about all they could out of us and now faced with getting their asses thrown out of office, someone flipped the switch to bring prices down.

I'm imagining a Price Is Right kind of game in the Oval Office where a little card board cut out a Saudi scales a glittery oil derrick signifying rising gas prices set to humorous carnival music. Once he got so high he almost fell off the top, "W" pushed a big red button and the little guy went back down the derrick; Cheney, Rumpsfeld and Bush all looked at each other lovingly and agreed, "it was fun while it lasted."

If only every day was election time.


Wednesday, October 18, 2006

The Killers: Sam’s Town: a casino I would never go to: an album I’m glad I didn’t buy

I was just going to simply write a review of The Killers new album Sam’s Town but I was so moved by its mediocrity and the constant stream of bullshit coming out of the front man’s mouth that I had to go the extra mile. And you should know by now, that extra mile is long and hard like Madonna’s penis.

I absolutely loved The Killers debut Hot Fuss. It’s a modern day pop classic. And despite the fact the The O.C./MTV set got their nasty little fingers all over it, it stands up as a fantastic record. So I was thrilled when I had word that the band was working hard on their second album.

But then tidbits of info came dribbling in that had me concerned. First, Bono was giving The Killers advice and then singer Waylon Flowers started to open his big ugly mouth. Flowers was quoted as saying that the album they were working on (which would become Sam’s Town) was “one the best albums of the past 20 years.” When I read that, I just about shit my pants. You never say something like that and even if you truly believe it, you wait until a few more people agree with you before claiming it and looking like the fucking ego maniac you are.

Flowers couldn’t stop there. He publicly feuded with bands that were far beneath his. He made grand claims about how The Killers were better than Fall Out Boy and some other shit eaters like The Bravery. Seriously, do you have to open your mouth and claim you’re better than Fall Out Boy? That’s like stopping your car and getting out at an intersection to yell at a homeless guy about how you’ve got a job and you washed your ass today. It’s pointless. The Killers MADE one of the best records to come in the last 10 years in Hot Fuss, so why be concerned with bands (Fall Out Boy and The Bravery) that no one will remember in another 10? It all just reeks of insecurity and a fading belief that Flowers himself has talent.

Or maybe he knew Sam’s Town was going to be the stinker that it is?

He made up with Fall Out Boy rapidly before the album came out. Maybe he needed to circle his wagons to maintain maximum support for this dubious release. He kept his mouth shut…until after it was released.

The album itself isn’t a complete waste. It’s not the career killer that other heavily hyped freshman has crapped out in their sophomore effort. But it is disappointing. I again was tipped off that something wasn’t right when I heard the first single “When You Were Young.” It’s not bad but as far as the first single from the “best album in 20 years” goes, it really falters.

I didn’t pay for this album as I mentioned in the title of the post because my friend Eric (who gave me a copy of the first album) had downloaded it when it came out. He gave me a copy and I proceeded to play it non stop. After two listens, I wondered if Eric had downloaded it correctly. The song order seems horribly out of whack and I went back and checked what the correct order was online and found out that Eric had done it right. Listening to Sam’s Town, it sounds like whoever chose the track listing was either incredibly high or incredibly high on himself: looking at you Waylon Flowers.

(Note: I know his name is Brandon Flowers but I prefer to call him the gay ventriloquist whose puppet was that creepy old lady named Madame….come to think of it, I think this douche should go solo, buy the puppet from the Waylon Flowers estate and call himself Brandon Flowers and Madame. Couldn’t hurt at this point.)

Since Flowers is a Mormon, something he lets everyone within earshot know, I don’t think he was high; so I have to think he’s incredibly high on himself. If he was the one who put these tracks together, he deserves all the shit. The way this album plays is like a mixed tape put together by a deaf crack whore. It simply does not work.

There are some good tracks on here, and The Killers have come up with moments where they seem to be getting it in gear, but it’s done in by the unfortunate track sequencing and some bland songwriting…more on the shoulders of Flowers.

So the album comes out and Flowers starts to open his mouth again. He’s complaining about Green Day and their American Idiot DVD that was filmed in Britain. I think any artist that goes to another country to sell their anti-Bush sentiment is pretty cowardly. The Dixie Chicks knew they couldn’t go on stage in Texas and call Bush out, so they went to England and dissed him. Yeah, pretty radical ladies. The bulk of Europe hates Bush so you figured you had a receptive audience. That wouldn’t play here and if you did do that in America, you could have kissed your careers goodbye. The only thing that has kept them around is that they said it in another country. To me it’s completely cowardly. I love what they said, but saying it in England is like taunting someone when you’ve got three people keeping you separated. It’s just wussy.

So Green Day filmed their American Idiot DVD in England, and Flowers got all upset because he believed it was un-American because the reaction of the audience to the lyrics. First of all, I don’t need Waylon Flowers talking to me about patriotism. He should get back in the studio and make up for “the best album of the past 20 years” instead of lecturing me about being an American. Second, I would reckon that Green Day would get that reaction from their audience no matter where they played. This isn’t the Dixie Chicks who completely sold out their fan base by what they said. No, Green Day’s fans, no matter where they live, are probably down with a little anti-Bush sentiment. The fact still remains that The Killers front man is commenting on this and someone is writing it down. I’m reading it and wondering how I could be better spending my time.

It really goes without saying that this mother fucker should keep his goddamn mouth shut. I think you earn the right to talk shit and this guy has not earned anything with the release of Sam’s Town. It seems that he kept his mouth moving before it was released, then shut up for awhile as it was being released. He realized he put out a sub par second album and then decided to cover this fact up by flapping his lips again. I pay (or not I guess) to hear what this fuck head has to say on his album, not while he’s contemplating the obvious about how much Panic at the Disco sucks. If he spent half the energy he used to blow farts out of his mouth and put that into making Sam’s Town, his ridiculous grand standing might not even be an issue. When people talk shit in our society AND they deliver, we never say a word against them. It’s when they puff themselves up and deliver like a drunken 50 year old without his Viagra that we publicly flay them and refuse to buy anything they’re selling.

I think a lot people probably bought Sam’s Town thinking it was going to deliver but slowly realized (as they scanned the receipt seeing if they could return it) that it’s a lot of hot air propped up by hype and one man’s delusion that it’s the “best of the past 20 years” (I love typing that).

History should prove that Sam’s Town didn’t deliver the promise of the band’s front man. And that front man may end up being about as hollow as the puppet he will eventually call his partner when he inevitably goes solo. Thanks for fucking us in the ass and taking our money (or not).


Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Republicans: Self-Loathing Sword Swallowers? Or Hypocritical Homosexuals?

You know, for a group of people who try so hard to ban gay marriage and obliterate any last remnant of fabulousness in our gay friends, the Republicans sure do have a lot of homos in their ranks.

It’s been said that a true marker of denial of oneself is the person who is so opposed to something it borders on the obsessive. Republicans are obsessed with the gay folk, yet they do everything in their power to stomp them out like a cigarette in Boulder (in Denver???).

But are they really as opposed to gayness as they appear to be? Something tells me that right wing closet is full and I ain’t talking about being packed with nice clothes and kickbacks.

Take House Representative Mark Foley for example. Here’s a guy who pushes the Republican agenda every day. Stands firm when gay marriage is called an abomination to God by his fellow right wingers, and casually votes for legislation that denies people their human rights because some religiously mentally ill asshole can’t fathom why two dudes would want to touch each other down there and then go buy new drapes.

The problem here is simple: Mark Foley is gay himself. He’s the jerk off that got busted for soliciting sex from teen male pages in Washington. He was caught red handed sending suggestive (as in ‘I want to pork you soon’) IM’s to one of the teens and now the Republicans are scrambling because once again, it shows us just what cocksuckers (not the good kind) they are.

Once this all came out, Foley suddenly had an alcohol problem and was being treated for that and mental illness. Now normally I’d be outraged at the mental illness claim because saying someone who is gay has a mental illness is just bullshit. But Foley was co-chairman of the Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus and that to me just stinks of not only evil, but crazy as well. If anyone would know something about how to exploit a child, it would be this creep. Maybe he is crazy. This would be like finding out that John Mark Karr was the janitor over at the local KinderKare. Regardless, they had to make it look like this guy had a problem. It’s the alcoholism that I don’t buy.

I think Republican leaders like Dennis Hastert needed something else to blame other than Foley’s unholy thirst for boy butt. So he chose alcohol. If this guy was doing this stone cold sober, who in their right mind would have any mercy on these jerks when the elections roll around next month? Certainly the bible beaters who routinely vote these assholes in would need to think that alcohol (along with Satan) was what made this guy do these things and not that he was just a sick fuck like all the rest of his cronies. Maybe they would need alcohol themselves just to get to the voting booth. Maybe they need some alcohol to cope with all the young men they’ve sent to their deaths in the asshole of the world too.

One funny thing about this is Foley has been replaced on the ballot in Florida (Amazing! He’s from Florida!) by another Republican candidate, but Foley’s name will stay on the ballot. So to vote for the new guy, you have to vote for the gay child molester. Good luck.

So of course the Republicans have circled the wagons. Hastert (who looks like a big, fat child molester himself) has said that Foley’s actions were “vile” and that he “deceived” his colleagues. Sure. Like you didn’t know this guy was gay. I’m sure all of the gay Republicans are on file somewhere and their microchip sends a signal if they walk into one of several DC gay bars. This just reeks of a way to assure their voting base that they don’t put up with these faggoty-antics. But they do put up with these faggoty-antics, because in the real world there are gay people. To the people who vote for them however, they don’t exist, so people like Hastert have to make good so he can keep his job.

So this begs the question: Are the Republicans total and complete fucking hypocrites for allowing a gay person in their ranks when they’ve promised their base they will do everything in their power to snuff them out? Or are they being dishonest to the people who voted them in by letting gay Republicans go hog wild like Mario Cantone backstage at and especially oily performance of “Thunda From Down Unda?”

The Republican party did make a lot of promises regarding the gayer sex. They promised to ban gay marriage because, well, some 2,000 year old book may or may not have said anything about it. They subsequently won’t listen to anything regarding gay adoption because, well, there just aren’t any unwanted kids anymore. I proposed a compromise to Republicans a couple of years ago, but they didn’t bite. It went like this: I’ll let you ban abortions if you let gay couples adopt. That way all of these unwanted babies who will eventually turn into society’s problem will have a loving home to go to that will be tastefully decorated. I’m kidding really. I would never grant them that wish and I think most gay guys would be happy not to adopt if that was the alternative.

You can see the problem the right wing is faced with here. They made a lot of crazy promises about the gays, but it seems that their party is absolutely rife with them. You’d think they’d have a little more style but they don’t. I’m sure they tell their Republican Gays to “tone the gay down by 100% when you’re not trolling for teenage boy on the internet.” The president can’t understand it; why harass young boys when there are so many women to assault?

The Democrats are complete pud-pullers. You’ll never hear me argue that they are better than the fuckwad Republicans. But at least they pretend to like the gays and let them roam free through the halls in Washington. It’s ironic that the Dems are painted as allowing “deviant lifestyles” when really they just let their gay folk be themselves. It’s the Republicans who are fostering the “deviant lifestyles” because let’s face it, I don’t care who you are or what sexual orientation you happen to be, trolling for teenagers is just plain wrong.

There are countless people out there who will let you stick any number of things up whatever orifice you choose and they just happen to be adults. If you gotta go for the teenagers and the kids, you got a serious fucking problem; one of which may or may not be alcohol.

The Republicans sell you “anti-gay” but let gay guys do whatever they want to their interns. What else have they sold us they are not following through with? If you believe that “No Child Left Behind” means that Mark Foley is going to watch out for the kids, I’ve got some real estate in Fallujah I’d like to sell you.