Monday, August 28, 2006

Karr Fraud

Yep, you guys called it, John Karr is a fraud. He won't be charged with Jon Benet's murder because the DNA didn't support him being there.

That poses two questions: 1) who did kill this girl and 2) why in the holy fuck would anyone admit to this crime knowing full well it wasn't going to pan out?

What's wrong with this guy? Well, obviously a lot because he was obsessed with Jon Benet, but why admit to the crime? Did he think he'd get a guided tour of the house and get to masturbate onto her pageant clothes?

Patsy is dead, so he wouldn't get to meet her...I just don't see the motivation here.

Oh, and one more thing, who the fuck has to pay for flying this creep from Thailand to Colorado? Somebody did, and it's probably me. If I find an extra .25 on my Excel Energy Bill for "transporting John Karr" (who ate prawns and drank fine French wine on the way over), I'm going not kill somebody and admit it as well.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

I guess I owe Patsy Ramsey an apology…anyone know how I can get a hold of her?

I was so sure those evil bastards the Ramsey’s had something to do with the death of their daughter Jon Benet. And I still do, but not like you think.

But with the recent admission by the fully fucking creepy dude with the skinny neck and big head that he killer her, we have to re-visit what we initially thought.

Nearly everyone here in Colorado figured the Ramsey’s had something to do with her death. The Ramsey’s were the O.J. Simpson of child murders and their attempt to find the “real killer” was met with disdain and disbelief. It was just too bizarre to be what was originally thought of as a straight forward kidnapping attempt. But that’s what it seems to be turning out to be as that fucking freak makes his way back to the states to face the music.

Most times when rich people get into a scrape, they get out of it due to their money and power. For some reason, the public didn’t like the Ramsey’s and no amount of cash was going to change that. Even with this guy claiming he killed Jon Benet “by accident,” I still hold the Ramsey’s partially responsible.

This poor little girl was dressed up like a fucking hooker. Seriously. What was she, six years old? That’s just obscene to dress a kid up like that. I don’t care who you are. The Ramsey’s are still a little to blame for this because they sexualized their child and put her out there, knowing full well the creeps and child molesters would be looking her way.

Ultimately this falls squarely on the shoulders of this scumbag who killed her. He’s the real bad guy here, but the parents should feel some heat too. And I guess they have.

I can’t imagine being accused of this. Having everyone drag your name through the mud, calling you all sorts of names and still when it’s all said and done, your kid’s still dead; it would just be too much to bear. I guess they suffered enough, but I still can’t shake the image of failed beauty queen Patsy Ramsey, dressing her child like a whore so she could live through her daughter’s success. Well, I guess she got the attention she wanted, just the wrong kind.

Pageant folk are sick fuckers. Almost (but not quite) as sick as the fucker who would obsess about a child like this. If this guy really did do this, he’s got a surprise waiting for him in jail. Well, maybe it’s not such a surprise. I’m sure he knows what happens to the likes of him in the joint. After someone kills him with a sharpened spoon, maybe he and Patsy can run the yearly pageant in Hell.


Saturday, August 19, 2006

Hummer Bummer

The newest hummer ads are shocking to me. Shocking in that they’ve finally just said, “fuck it. We know people who buy these are assholes, so why not just come out and say it.”

The ads are blatant stabs at getting to the mindless consumer; one who is so consumed with keeping up with the Jones’, that he or she will do anything and buy anything to feel better about their lonely, pathetic lives.

The first one I saw featured a woman at the playground with her kid. Another kid cuts in front of her child and the mother timidly says, “but Jimmy was next..” To which the mother of the rude child says, “too bad, now we are.” Or something to that effect.

The offended mom gets frustrated, grabs her kid out of the playground and heads immediately to a Hummer dealership to get even. She buys a huge, gas guzzling Hummer and feels great about herself as she drives away. The tagline “Get Your Girl On” is seen as this weak, boring woman has just purchased away any feelings of inadequacy she might have had on the playground. I mean after all, it’s easier just to buy something that can help you threaten people behind two tons of steel than actually standing up for yourself right? Right.

The second ad shows a guy, possibly a vegetarian, in the check out line at the grocery store. He’s buying tofu and veggies but the guy behind him is buying what looks like the rack of ribs that knocked over Fred Flintstone’s car at the end of every episode of the Flintstones. The veggie guy is embarrassed and darts out of the store to the Hummer dealership. After buying, he gets in his shitty ride and with the tagline of “Restore the Balance,” he bites into a carrot. Why a vegetarian would suddenly be moved by a huge animal carcass to race out and start paying $60 to fill his tank, I’ll never know.

The commercials are pretty straightforward. A person is not happy with their life and how things are going in it, so they buy something they don’t need and all is better. If you get pushed around by people, don’t assert yourself, go buy an SUV and assert yourself anonymously inside your vehicle. There’s nothing braver than an asshole that imposes their will on other drivers just by the sheer volume of the truck they’re driving.

I think this is brilliant advertising because it flies in the face of what people typically think about SUV’s. Sure, tons of people still drive them, and I’m know deep down they love them, but in public, everyone silently or not-so-silently agrees they are monstrosities. In my world, to drive a Hummer means you suck. You’re a weak minded fool who needs this hunk of junk to feel better about yourself. You suck and the only way you can feel better about yourself is buying one. This is awful behavior and apparently Hummer agrees…merrily.

Hummer has said, “screw it” and is giving people what they want. Instead of making up reasons to justify why they bought the car, the ad has gone straight for the heart and has portrayed its costumers as they are. You and your hybrid loving friends aren’t going to buy one, so why waste money trying to convince you? This goes right to the people it needs to: spineless assholes. Are you a hopeless head case who will buy anything to justify your existence? Boy, do we have the car for you.

This commercial makes me angry because I know it works. The fact that it makes me angry is proof that it works. It works on zombie Americans who will buy the vehicle and it works on people like me that find this behavior outrageous and hazardous. There will more in this series, just you wait. And when they get the one on the air that shows someone buying a Hummer so they can road rage more effectively, I will bow down and give the respect these blood suckers are due. It’s brilliant and really fucking sad all at once.


Tuesday, August 08, 2006

It's now complete

Dennis Miller's inevitable move to becoming a complete and utter asshole has now been completed. Miller will join Fox News as a contributor on Fox News' "Hannity & Colmes in the fall.

There hasn't been such a descent into mediocrity and uncoolness this extreme since Aerosmith got off the drugs cha-cha.

Miller is one of the biggest assholes in modern pop culture. He's harmless, because he's such a joke, but still, I've had to continually watch his ugly face on TV for so long, I was beginning to wonder who could possibly be paying him.

Miller started out as the wise cracking hipster on SNL's weekend update. He was cool, sarcastic and had that sweet hockey hair that was so representative of the times. I liked Dennis Miller. But I was probably 13 at time. Chances are good that if you could go back and revisit everything you liked at 13, you'd not only do some major editing to you life, but you'd probably punch your 13 year old self in the face.

Then Miller faded a bit. And with his brand of comedy and smug face out of our hearts and minds, we realized, when he started to appear in bad phone commercials, that he really wasn't that funny to begin with. He tried his hand at talk shows, I think, and failed like a man who shouldn't have been there in the first place. His act was tired and it wasn't the 80's anymore. Kids and people saturated with cocaine (who would laugh at anything) had moved on from his bad, predictable shtick.

And then there was Monday Night Football. More often than not, MNF games are boring, one sided affairs that have more to do with the lame announcers than the actual game. And some fucking genius thought it would be great to get ol' Dennis in there to appeal to goateed, docker wearing douchebags who don't know funny from a Larry the Cable Guy skit where he beats an Indian to death because he thinks he's one of "them A-Rabs."

Miller was a full force disaster as a MNF announcer. He spent more time trying to show everyone how smart he was by using big words to describe junior high educated players than he did actually talking about the game. It just didn't work. And not just because Miller was dull and aloof, his 80's wit hung in the air like a John Madden fart. Al Michaels spent the better part of the broadcast trying to smooth over Miller's flatulent bon mots like your Aunt putting a good spin on grandpa’s racist outbursts at Thanksgiving. The aforementioned "dockers wearing douchebag" couldn't understand why Miller was being let go after only one season.

Then Miller re-invented himself as a conservative ass-kicker with a funny bone. He jumped on the liberal bashing bandwagon so late, he practically snapped Anne Coulter in half when he landed on her. I mean, is there a more repellent person than the "I'm going to sock it to the liberals - because it's now safe" guy? I don't think so. Rush Limbaugh is one thing, but a past his prime comedian who, upon further review, wasn't very funny to begin with, starts throwing out the "L" word (liberal not lesbian)like they're beers at a bbq, I have to call bullshit.

At least Limbaugh was the first person to take his ridiculous rantings to the pop culture level and create a whole new kind of media. He made it fashionable to bash liberals and did it with, depending on who you talk to, a little style. Miller is just aping that; tapping into an already clueless and seemingly elderly demographic who watch Fox News AND still thinks he's funny.

And that's why Fox News is simultaneously displaying that it is both savvy and completely out of touch by hiring Miller full time. Most people will see this as a hilariously funny (in a sad way) stretch to keep their network relevant. It's needed because each day, Fox News gets exposed for exactly what it is: a Bush administration media arm that wouldn't tell you if bombs were about to fall on your house if that fat fuck Karl Rove didn't approve it first.

I see this move as not only being a pathetic stab at credibility (from a failed comedian no less!) but an absolute bewildering personnel move. Do these fools know that everyone hates Dennis Miller? Politics or not, he just sucks, and no amount of making fun of Howard Dean can ever erase that.

But even with saying that, I do know there are many, many people out there who have their taste (and their political beliefs) so far up their asses that they think Dennis Miller is as funny Dave Chapelle. Hiring Miller is in this sense brilliant because they are speaking directly to their mindless, obedient, and apparently humorless viewers by sticking Dennis Miller on there full time. If you give some thought to the Fox News demographic, it now comes off as possibly brilliant.

But while the rest of us will laugh and furrow our brows at the thought that someone is still hiring Dennis Miller, someone, a lonely, bitter, sad someone is quietly pumping his fist because he knows he can more of that sweet, smug, bearded face on the network more famous for its lying than its actual reporting.

I salute you Dennis Miller. Not because you are a complete jerkoff who couldn't extend his bland comedy career by another few years so you had to join the nazi party to peddle your wares. No. I salute you because you are what America is all about: a completely talent less asshole who keeps getting paid for being nothing more than fucking creep who will adopt any ideology, no matter how heinous, just to keep your ugly face on TV.

If the Child Molesters of America (CMoA) called Dennis, would you answer? If there was a paycheck and some screen time, I believe you would. Burn in hell you unfunny twat.