Dennis Miller's inevitable move to becoming a complete and utter asshole has now been completed. Miller will join Fox News as a contributor on Fox News' "Hannity & Colmes in the fall.
There hasn't been such a descent into mediocrity and uncoolness this extreme since Aerosmith got off the drugs cha-cha.
Miller is one of the biggest assholes in modern pop culture. He's harmless, because he's such a joke, but still, I've had to continually watch his ugly face on TV for so long, I was beginning to wonder who could possibly be paying him.
Miller started out as the wise cracking hipster on SNL's weekend update. He was cool, sarcastic and had that sweet hockey hair that was so representative of the times. I liked Dennis Miller. But I was probably 13 at time. Chances are good that if you could go back and revisit everything you liked at 13, you'd not only do some major editing to you life, but you'd probably punch your 13 year old self in the face.
Then Miller faded a bit. And with his brand of comedy and smug face out of our hearts and minds, we realized, when he started to appear in bad phone commercials, that he really wasn't that funny to begin with. He tried his hand at talk shows, I think, and failed like a man who shouldn't have been there in the first place. His act was tired and it wasn't the 80's anymore. Kids and people saturated with cocaine (who would laugh at anything) had moved on from his bad, predictable shtick.
And then there was Monday Night Football. More often than not, MNF games are boring, one sided affairs that have more to do with the lame announcers than the actual game. And some fucking genius thought it would be great to get ol' Dennis in there to appeal to goateed, docker wearing douchebags who don't know funny from a Larry the Cable Guy skit where he beats an Indian to death because he thinks he's one of "them A-Rabs."
Miller was a full force disaster as a MNF announcer. He spent more time trying to show everyone how smart he was by using big words to describe junior high educated players than he did actually talking about the game. It just didn't work. And not just because Miller was dull and aloof, his 80's wit hung in the air like a John Madden fart. Al Michaels spent the better part of the broadcast trying to smooth over Miller's flatulent bon mots like your Aunt putting a good spin on grandpa’s racist outbursts at Thanksgiving. The aforementioned "dockers wearing douchebag" couldn't understand why Miller was being let go after only one season.
Then Miller re-invented himself as a conservative ass-kicker with a funny bone. He jumped on the liberal bashing bandwagon so late, he practically snapped Anne Coulter in half when he landed on her. I mean, is there a more repellent person than the "I'm going to sock it to the liberals - because it's now safe" guy? I don't think so. Rush Limbaugh is one thing, but a past his prime comedian who, upon further review, wasn't very funny to begin with, starts throwing out the "L" word (liberal not lesbian)like they're beers at a bbq, I have to call bullshit.
At least Limbaugh was the first person to take his ridiculous rantings to the pop culture level and create a whole new kind of media. He made it fashionable to bash liberals and did it with, depending on who you talk to, a little style. Miller is just aping that; tapping into an already clueless and seemingly elderly demographic who watch Fox News AND still thinks he's funny.
And that's why Fox News is simultaneously displaying that it is both savvy and completely out of touch by hiring Miller full time. Most people will see this as a hilariously funny (in a sad way) stretch to keep their network relevant. It's needed because each day, Fox News gets exposed for exactly what it is: a Bush administration media arm that wouldn't tell you if bombs were about to fall on your house if that fat fuck Karl Rove didn't approve it first.
I see this move as not only being a pathetic stab at credibility (from a failed comedian no less!) but an absolute bewildering personnel move. Do these fools know that everyone hates Dennis Miller? Politics or not, he just sucks, and no amount of making fun of Howard Dean can ever erase that.
But even with saying that, I do know there are many, many people out there who have their taste (and their political beliefs) so far up their asses that they think Dennis Miller is as funny Dave Chapelle. Hiring Miller is in this sense brilliant because they are speaking directly to their mindless, obedient, and apparently humorless viewers by sticking Dennis Miller on there full time. If you give some thought to the Fox News demographic, it now comes off as possibly brilliant.
But while the rest of us will laugh and furrow our brows at the thought that someone is still hiring Dennis Miller, someone, a lonely, bitter, sad someone is quietly pumping his fist because he knows he can more of that sweet, smug, bearded face on the network more famous for its lying than its actual reporting.
I salute you Dennis Miller. Not because you are a complete jerkoff who couldn't extend his bland comedy career by another few years so you had to join the nazi party to peddle your wares. No. I salute you because you are what America is all about: a completely talent less asshole who keeps getting paid for being nothing more than fucking creep who will adopt any ideology, no matter how heinous, just to keep your ugly face on TV.
If the Child Molesters of America (CMoA) called Dennis, would you answer? If there was a paycheck and some screen time, I believe you would. Burn in hell you unfunny twat.