Tuesday, August 08, 2006

It's now complete

Dennis Miller's inevitable move to becoming a complete and utter asshole has now been completed. Miller will join Fox News as a contributor on Fox News' "Hannity & Colmes in the fall.

There hasn't been such a descent into mediocrity and uncoolness this extreme since Aerosmith got off the drugs cha-cha.

Miller is one of the biggest assholes in modern pop culture. He's harmless, because he's such a joke, but still, I've had to continually watch his ugly face on TV for so long, I was beginning to wonder who could possibly be paying him.

Miller started out as the wise cracking hipster on SNL's weekend update. He was cool, sarcastic and had that sweet hockey hair that was so representative of the times. I liked Dennis Miller. But I was probably 13 at time. Chances are good that if you could go back and revisit everything you liked at 13, you'd not only do some major editing to you life, but you'd probably punch your 13 year old self in the face.

Then Miller faded a bit. And with his brand of comedy and smug face out of our hearts and minds, we realized, when he started to appear in bad phone commercials, that he really wasn't that funny to begin with. He tried his hand at talk shows, I think, and failed like a man who shouldn't have been there in the first place. His act was tired and it wasn't the 80's anymore. Kids and people saturated with cocaine (who would laugh at anything) had moved on from his bad, predictable shtick.

And then there was Monday Night Football. More often than not, MNF games are boring, one sided affairs that have more to do with the lame announcers than the actual game. And some fucking genius thought it would be great to get ol' Dennis in there to appeal to goateed, docker wearing douchebags who don't know funny from a Larry the Cable Guy skit where he beats an Indian to death because he thinks he's one of "them A-Rabs."

Miller was a full force disaster as a MNF announcer. He spent more time trying to show everyone how smart he was by using big words to describe junior high educated players than he did actually talking about the game. It just didn't work. And not just because Miller was dull and aloof, his 80's wit hung in the air like a John Madden fart. Al Michaels spent the better part of the broadcast trying to smooth over Miller's flatulent bon mots like your Aunt putting a good spin on grandpa’s racist outbursts at Thanksgiving. The aforementioned "dockers wearing douchebag" couldn't understand why Miller was being let go after only one season.

Then Miller re-invented himself as a conservative ass-kicker with a funny bone. He jumped on the liberal bashing bandwagon so late, he practically snapped Anne Coulter in half when he landed on her. I mean, is there a more repellent person than the "I'm going to sock it to the liberals - because it's now safe" guy? I don't think so. Rush Limbaugh is one thing, but a past his prime comedian who, upon further review, wasn't very funny to begin with, starts throwing out the "L" word (liberal not lesbian)like they're beers at a bbq, I have to call bullshit.

At least Limbaugh was the first person to take his ridiculous rantings to the pop culture level and create a whole new kind of media. He made it fashionable to bash liberals and did it with, depending on who you talk to, a little style. Miller is just aping that; tapping into an already clueless and seemingly elderly demographic who watch Fox News AND still thinks he's funny.

And that's why Fox News is simultaneously displaying that it is both savvy and completely out of touch by hiring Miller full time. Most people will see this as a hilariously funny (in a sad way) stretch to keep their network relevant. It's needed because each day, Fox News gets exposed for exactly what it is: a Bush administration media arm that wouldn't tell you if bombs were about to fall on your house if that fat fuck Karl Rove didn't approve it first.

I see this move as not only being a pathetic stab at credibility (from a failed comedian no less!) but an absolute bewildering personnel move. Do these fools know that everyone hates Dennis Miller? Politics or not, he just sucks, and no amount of making fun of Howard Dean can ever erase that.

But even with saying that, I do know there are many, many people out there who have their taste (and their political beliefs) so far up their asses that they think Dennis Miller is as funny Dave Chapelle. Hiring Miller is in this sense brilliant because they are speaking directly to their mindless, obedient, and apparently humorless viewers by sticking Dennis Miller on there full time. If you give some thought to the Fox News demographic, it now comes off as possibly brilliant.

But while the rest of us will laugh and furrow our brows at the thought that someone is still hiring Dennis Miller, someone, a lonely, bitter, sad someone is quietly pumping his fist because he knows he can more of that sweet, smug, bearded face on the network more famous for its lying than its actual reporting.

I salute you Dennis Miller. Not because you are a complete jerkoff who couldn't extend his bland comedy career by another few years so you had to join the nazi party to peddle your wares. No. I salute you because you are what America is all about: a completely talent less asshole who keeps getting paid for being nothing more than fucking creep who will adopt any ideology, no matter how heinous, just to keep your ugly face on TV.

If the Child Molesters of America (CMoA) called Dennis, would you answer? If there was a paycheck and some screen time, I believe you would. Burn in hell you unfunny twat.



Fred K. Tapeball III said...

I never thought Dennis Miller was funny. His smug smartass routine was tired from first airing, and the only thing it was missing that could make it seem even more cliched was the rimshot after each awkward joke. I never thought I would rather hear John Madden talk over somebody else, but the painful non-sequiturs mouth-shat by Miller were like frozen ice picks in the brain. He might take the starting position of Chief Shameless Media Whore away from Geraldo Rivera, and all before training camp is over.

Oh yeah, GO BRONCOS!

Anonymous said...


Polluter Scooters
What's worse: breathing the fumes of an SUV or a two-stroke scooter?

With temperatures rising like gas prices, scooters may seem the perfect mode of transportation.

You get up to 100 miles per gallon, on top of the hipster factor and the feel of the wind in your hair. But there's one imperfection to these sassy little two-wheeled machines: A March 2005 study by the Environmental Protection Agency shows most scooters on the road pollute more than SUVs.

That sounded so counterintuitive that WW decided to test a few scooters, with help from the crew at Esquire Motors in Goose Hollow, which donated its time and emissions-testing equipment.

Then came the hard part.

Telephone calls and emails seeking scooters to test from scooter shops and groups went unanswered; other scooter owners proved willing to talk—until the story's angle was revealed. Finally, however, we persuaded three scooter lovers to volunteer their vehicles.

Patrick Fitzgibbons, co-owner and founder of P-Town Scooters, let us test his vintage scooter, which established just how bad older models are. Although he knew his pride and joy wasn't the cleanest of motorized vehicles, Fitzgibbons was still surprised by the results.

"How bad is it?" he asked.

Pretty bad. His 1968 Piaggio Gran Turismo, with a two-stroke, 150-cc engine, registered 4,900 parts per million of hydrocarbons and 8.6 percent carbon dioxide emissions. That was 29 times the hydrocarbon levels and nearly three times the carbon dioxide rate of another scooter WW tested—a 2006 MotoFino 150T-10D with a four-stroke engine, courtesy of Prestige Motors in Southeast Portland. The MotoFino kicked out 168 ppm of hydrocarbons and 3.1 percent CO2.

Four-strokes tend to burn cleaner than two-stroke engines, which run on a mixture of fuel and oil. One of Fitzgibbons' customers, Shayne Weinstein, offered up for testing his more modern two-stroke, a 2005 Stella also made by Piaggio. Its levels of 1,100 ppm of unburned hydrocarbons and 7.1 percent CO2 fell in between the older two-stroke engine and the four-stroke.


So why do these numbers matter? Unburned hydrocarbons react with nitrogen oxides in the presence of sunlight and elevated temperatures to form ground-level ozone. The pollutants then cause eye irritation, coughing, wheezing and shortness of breath, and can lead to permanent lung damage. And CO2 is among the main culprits blamed by scientists for global warming.

As for the SUV, we borrowed WW publisher Richard Meeker's 2006 Subaru Tribeca. The six-cylinder engine in Meeker's SUV pumped out less than 10 ppm of hydrocarbons and 1 percent CO2. In other words, the two-stroke scooter WW tested produced about 490 times the hydrocarbons and more than eight times the Co2 of the SUV.

Meeker, who has been disappointed in his car's lower-than-predicted gas mileage (16 mpg combined city/highway) says he's surprised the Tribeca's emissions are so low.

So how do we stick with cool, fun and cheap scooters without stinking up the atmosphere?

Four-stroke engines are a lot cleaner for now. But on the horizon are biodiesel scooters as well as electric and solar-powered prototypes.

Until we reach that harmonic convergence of scooters that are both environmentally astute and chic, two-stroke engine owners should keep their rides in tip-top shape—frequent oil changes, regular tune-ups, the whole spiel. The less funk that accumulates in your engine, the less toxins for everyone to breathe, and there's nothing more hip than that.

J Reidy said...

ok, first question is 'why is this here?' not sure why you posted this but it is interesting.

i for one have never, ever claimed scooters are environmentally friendly. if you've ever ridden an older scooter, you stink like gas and fumes when you get off of it.

the smoke (affectionately termed "blue smoke"..wink wink to those in the know) is visible and pungent. they leak oil. not friendly to the environment indeed.

anyone claiming that they are ozone friendly is 1)a dick and 2)doesn't know shit about these smoky, stylish lawn mowers because we all know they pollute.

the premise of this article is stupid because anyone who comes from the view that scooters are easy on the enviroment is just plain wrong...and i don't know anyone who's claimed this....sounds like another hit piece on scooter culture really.

here's the only argument people should be making...and it's the only one people are making...despite what the writer of this has to say: scooters use less gas. you can go 100 miles on 2 gallons of gas or whatever it is when you can only go 30 in an SUV.

that's it. plain and simple. environment aside, if you ride a scooter, you're putting less money in the pocket of greedy oil companies, greedy arab countries and the terrorists they fund. that's it.

people are so willing to back SUV's and Harleys when faced with the percieved wimpiness of a scooter. why? because anyone that has to do that has some sort of mental defect. there was a 5280 article on scooters recently where they pretended to be writing a nice piece on the bikes and the scene but ended up ridiculing everyone involved and saying shit like "harley's rule!" when i get ahold of the article and talk to those involved, i'll give more details.

why do they do this? because picking on the little guy is easier than going after the big guy. make fun of a scooter and it's "haw haw" for most of the brain dead public. it's too easy.

why not explore the story about how in these days of outrageous gas prices, assholes are still compelled to buy big, gas guzzling vehicles to make their dicks feel bigger. that's a far bigger story and complete mystery than a crappy, smoky scooter.

if you're intention was to post this and say "see! see! scooters aren't so cool!" well, you failed. they still use less gas. they take up less space. someone isn't fretting about their cock size while riding it and i'm very sure that in the long run, a Hummer pollutes more than a Vespa.

stop supporting terrorism by driving your shit boxes and posting this crap.


Anonymous said...

WOW! this has been a fantastic 10 min of hits!
JR doing DM, pro SUV props, and JR givin it back. HARD! blue smoke never went this far! (winkwink)
i'll be doing this more often!!!

phiLuvDenver said...

^ that was me^

Trouble said...

So you're saying Harleys don't rule?


Nice to have you posting again. Spot-on as usual. And is that the Phil?

Alex a/k/a Trouble

J Reidy said...

that is THE phil. total fucking wanker.

i don't mind harley's...they're great, classic, american bikes. i just hate the mentality (usually from fake harley riders) that scooters are something to be laughed at. that scene has a culture to it that i think rivals the biker culture. sure the bikes aren't as tough, but it's all about riding right?

real bikers probably can appreciate any two wheeled machine. it's the weekend harley douches that cause all the problems. and just like dennis miller fans, take your 'hardly' davidson, your dockers and your 'hip' goatee and shove them up your fat asses.



Anonymous said...

My Penis orbits your anus