Tuesday, March 21, 2006


Just finished watching the comedic romp Waiting... starring Ryan Reynolds and Ana Faris. The commercials for this movie didn't do it any justice. I figured it was going to be all right, but I assumed it was another movie about a topic that the screenwriter couldn't get his/her hands totally around.

But Waiting... works well as a restaurant movie because I have to take the leap and assume that writer/director Rob McKittrick has worked in this environment. From the post shift parties to the shit bag people you have to serve, I think he nailed it.

There is some ridiculousness to the movie that I'm sure had to be added to make it more interesting; because if you've worked in a restaurant you would know it can be very boring. The way the cooks handled the food and the "revenge" they get on pissy patrons is too over the top. I'm sure that shit happens, but the restaurant wouldn't be open long if it happened as much as it does in Waiting. Still, I wish all the jerk offs who gave me grief in my restaurant career could see this movie, just to scare them into being a bit nicer.

Luis Guzman is just probably the ugliest man alive but he makes the person loveable scumbag that works in the kitchens of your favorite restaurant. Reynolds is pretty much the same character he always plays: smart ass, wise cracking and trolling for teenage pussy. Ana Faris (absolutely love her) does her standard great job. Faris is seriously turning into a brilliant comic actress. She’s not going to win an academy award (who cares right?) but she’s been in some pretty fucking funny movies. Here she plays the hot, kind of slutty waitress, that we’ve all come to love working in America’s food emporiums.

The best character though had to be Naomi played by Alanna Ubach. Every restaurant has one of these: constantly pissed off, screaming and yelling and bitching at everyone. Once she hits the floor, she’s all smiles, sugar and spice. If every office has someone who’s way too nice for comfort, every restaurant has someone like this. And she probably had the funniest scene where she flashes her hairy beaver (which had tons of lint in it) and was thrusting it toward everyone yelling, “POW! POW!” Just hilarious.

If you’ve done time in restaurants like I have, this is a must watch. Even if you’ve only been on the customer, you’ll like this if you dig raunchy comedy.

Watch all the way through the credits because Andy Milonakis (playing a convincing gangsta busboy) has somewhat of a rap video at the end that aint’ too shabby.


Thursday, March 16, 2006

American Hardcore

I just finished reading Stephen Blush’s book American Hardcore: A Tribal History, a frank and uncut look at the very important American hardcore scene of the early 80’s. The book is a collection of interviews and the author’s own recollections of the various scenes from around the country that have heavily influenced most of what we call “punk,” “alternative” and “indie” today.

The book is a great document of what went on and even if you know a little bit about some of the bands, it’s a must for anyone who likes to read about music or needs a confirmation that the hardcore scene has been the single most important music movement to come along in the last 25 years. The book is rough; there are plenty of spelling errors and the narrative gets a little wonky. It’s surprising because Blush is an editor at Paper Magazine, but hey, it’s pretty punk not to spell check.

I got into hardcore in probably the last throes of the movement. It’s funny but Blush refers to hardcore’s death in 1986, just when I was reaching my punk apex. I think I heard Black Flag (a large amount of the book is deservedly dedicated to them) for the first time in ’84, but I didn’t fully go hardcore until late ’85. Really the Black Flag’s and Minor Threat’s of the world were no more by then, but the spirit lived on.

Reading the book and the descriptions of the shows brought back a lot of memories for me. If you were punk in Denver, there were many epic shows. The book only gives Denver a paragraph and probably rightfully so. There weren’t really any truly great hardcore bands that came out of Denver (none that could compare with the likes of Minor Threat et al) but the kids were into it. One of the mentions that Denver does get refers to a Nig Heist show that Barry Fey shut down yelling “you will never see this kind of shit on my stage ever again!” Hilarious because Fey is such a vile and terrible person himself, that he didn’t want something as horrific as Nig Heist on his stage is just incredibly ironic.

The other part talks about some of Denver’s bands (Happy World, Bum Kon) and how unmemorable they were (author’s opinion, not mine) and the most famous single to come out of Colorado, the Frantix “My Dad’s A Fucking Alcoholic.” He also goes on to mention a memorable Dead Kennedy’s show that was raided by the police and another violent show in a “terrible Mexican hood” that I took to mean a show at the Azatlan. But it could have been anywhere; I just happened to see a lot of very violent shows at the Azatlan.

And that’s one of the points American Hardcore makes: music is safe now. Punk today is just weak compared to this amazing and often times, out of control underground scene that was. Today you have Good Charlotte playing arena cock rock and New Found Glory sells t shirts for $30 a piece. They’ve reaped all of the benefits of being punk without taking one single boot to the side of the head. The crazy shit that went down in the 80’s would never happen today in the sanitized version of punk that gets played on the ol’ Mtv. Stage diving today is expected. I literally got thrown out on my ass from a show at the Rainbow Music Hall (now a Walgreen’s) for stage diving. Now I think you get a free button for every five successful dives.

And that’s cool, not everybody can be in on something from back in the day. I got in on the second wave of hardcore, and while not quite as important (and definitely more metal) it was still wild. I see teenage kids now into punk and I don’t think it’s stupid; they’re just kids who have gravitated to punk like I did. But what I saw and what they see now is completely different. They will never know terror like going to a show where the security is run by the hated Denver Skins. Just walking into the show was like walking into the lion’s den (lions den…not the Lions Lair….that’s another story entirely).

At a C.O.C. show at the Azatlan, the skinheads fought everybody and it was ugly. Waves of fistfights broke out across the crowd. It was amazing. Then somebody broke out the mace and people scattered. Sucker punches were thrown and it seemed like everybody in the whole place was fighting. Me and my friends were right by the stage and we climbed up onto the cabinets to get away from the violence. I was a skinny kid and wanted no part of getting my ass beat, so I desperately tried to get away from the onslaught. As we climbed out of the mess, there was so much fighting going on, I expected to be pulled off the stage and get clocked at any moment. It died down once the skinheads were driven out, presumably by whoever started macing people. The cops showed up and surprisingly didn’t clear the place out, but when California band BL’AST! played, the cops made everybody sit down. That didn’t last long when the singer told everyone to get up. Everyone rushed to the front and it was on again. The funny thing was, once the skinheads were gone, everybody had a great time. There was a pit but it was one of the best ones I had ever seen. No one was being a dick and everyone helped each other out. The cops of course didn’t see it that way and the show was shut down shortly after. C.O.C. never played.

Another show where the skinheads made things miserable for people at the Azatlan was when Youth of Today came to town and recent Denver emigrants, Agression headlined. Agression was and old school southern California punk band that moved out to Denver in the mid 80’s. They were all right, I had one of their records, but the band’s close association with those asshole Nazis made everyone stay away. So, Youth of Today (a fairly well known, east coast band) plays and everyone starts to leave. Agression had been around for awhile and the novelty had worn off. As we leave, the skinheads are all over everybody. “Why you leaving?” “Agression hasn’t played yet,” and generally in everyone’s faces about it. It just sucked. Here we are, skinny 17 year olds having to get through these scary, violent, psychopaths…who were running the show. Now tell me this would happen at a Good Charlotte show?

The interesting thing is years later we became friends with Agression’s lead singer Mark Hickey. Hickey used to hang out at the Lions Lair and we played pinball with him. He was a good guy and I think he just got wrapped up in all the skinhead bullshit back then. He formed a blues band (Hickey Bluez) and he used to take out his pierced dick and wack it on the pinball table for good luck. He unfortunately died a few years back, but after getting to know him I forgave him for all that skinhead business.

Read Blush’s American Hardcore if you want to re-live those crazy times. I picked up a lot of stuff I didn’t know (like how big of dicks Bad Brains were and how so not compatible Brian Baker was with Glen Danzig). And if you know a young punk rocker, force him or her to read it and ask them if they still think Avril Lavigne is punk.


Monday, March 13, 2006

A Couple of Things...

I just saw that Knight Ridder sold for $4.5 billion and I was like, “holy shit! Somebody actually paid that much money for that fucking car!”

And then I realized they were talking about the newspaper publisher and I thought, “seriously, how much for the goddamned Knight Rider car?”

Have you seen the Chips AHoy commercial where the clay-mation punk rockers and a giant cookie sing “chunky chips Ahoy/ Oi! Oi! Oi!”?

This is just ridiculous. Does Nabisco (the makers of that dry, flavorless treat) know what Oi music is? If I was selling a product, I would not want it associated with Oi in the least. I did a quick search about it to see if anyone had written about the commercial and about a dozen myspace entries came up where some teenage (and not so teenage) dildos thought it was great. I’m offended by this commercial because Oi is typically associated with skinheads….and these know-nothing retards think it’s a good commerical.

Now before someone gets all over me, I’m not saying all skins are racist. I know quite a few who aren’t, but a lot of this shit goes hand in hand. And even if you remove the racist aspect to it, Oi certainly is an ass kicking, working class, street level music. Hardly the thing you would use to advertise cookies. But the majority of myspace morons don’t know this. They just think it’s punk rock…or the present day wuss version of punk rock. There is nothing more un-punk than using punk to sell cookies. If I have to say that again, I will shit myself. If you don’t hate this commercial on principle, you aren’t, never were, and never will punk to begin with.

If I was truly into Oi, I’d be very bummed out by this. The kids who claim to be punk today should be bummed by this yet are oddly amused by it. Parents who buy Chips Ahoy for their kids should at least know what is being used to sell to their children. I just hate it because it’s yet another thing that had no value to the “man” but now is being used to sell a product. What’s next? The shit and blood covered image of GG Allin selling toilet paper? I hope so.

And that leads me perfectly into my next point: the Sex Pistols and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I’m a little torn by this because one side of me thinks it’s great they told the Hall to shove it. Another part of me though thinks it’s awesome they’ve been given the recognition. I mean, seriously, they changed the world in my opinion and it’s amazing that such a shill of the record industry would honor them. Probably a direct reason there’s a fucking cookie commercial using Oi.

I want them to go because ol’ J. Rotten still has a lot to say and it would be great to see him tear some new ones while accepting the honor. But it wouldn’t be on their terms so I can see how he’d be reticent about going up there. There’s nothing worse than getting trapped into something like that and not getting to say your piece. So I guess it’s for the best that they said “fuck you” to the Hall of Fame. Because as I’ve mentioned above, punk rock’s history has been so watered down and convoluted that no matter what they did, seeing the Sex Pistols in an environment such as the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame might just make me go out and buy some cookies.

Black Sabbath on the other hand, is being inducted and this is perfect for them. They were always supposed to be an arena rock band and this fits them to a T. The only thing that would make one of my favorite band’s induction the best is if all the people who have stolen Sabbath’s riffs over the years would have to come on stage and give them blowjobs. Billy Corgan is going to have his mouth full that night!


Wednesday, March 08, 2006

..football, TV, why won't you believe me..

The subject title is from a song a college friend of mine sang who was late for work at the world trade center on sept. 11th. He lived and that's what you'd expect from him. The full lyric (and only lyric) of the song is "Gandalf, can't take my hand off/ Hand off, you're watching football/ TV/ why won't you believe me" or something like that. On with the show.

Tv rules. I'm not ashamed to admit I watch Project Runway. It's great TV. I really don't know shit about fashion like the guys in Blink 182, but I know what looks good and I get off on predicting who goes home every week on the show.

I'm thinking Santino wins but it could be Chloe. The crazy thing about Santino is I had no idea his mom was black. They showed an old family photo and she's a fairly light skin, attractive black woman. He looks like General Zod most of the time, but once I saw his mom, I took another look at him and realized he's cut from the same Nicole Richie genetic cloth. Seriously, they could be brother and sister. Good show though and I'm thinking I'm going to enter my clothing line next year...I don't have anything sewn yet but everything has ruffles.

The other show I saw tonight was Samurai Champloo. I fully dig Adult Swim but I don't really like the Japanese stuff. I don't know what it is, but I lose interest in it very quickly. I tivo'd an episode of Samurai Champloo to see what it was all about and loved it. I have a season pass now, so time will tell if it keeps my interest.

Other than that, I wait breathlessly for new episodes of Lost (theories on request), the Boondocks is the best thing on TV and I just got hooked on the Amazing Race. Yeah, crazy isn't it? I hate most of that shit, but that show reeled me in.

So, if you're satisfied with what I'm watching on TV, please do some TV watching yourself. It's what's good for America.


Sunday, March 05, 2006


I'm just shocked that Crash won best picture.

The academy awards are usually bullshit, but this just proves it.

Crash is seriously one of the worst movies i've ever seen. I turned it off at one point because it was so bad. Lifetime movies are better. Sci Fi channel movies about killer bees are better. Anything on UPN is better.

I am so shocked by this utter piece of shit winning the highest honor in film, that I have nothing more to say.....for now.


Friday, March 03, 2006

the Mark of the Wuss

Fucking religious freaks. Seriously, people who get their panties in a bunch about religion are mentally ill.

A buddy of mine told me a story about how a co-worker of his got all religious on his ass while on a business trip. This creep was a “born again” and felt the need to lay his cheap shtick on my friend.

Well, my friend is a rather well informed, former bible beater who knows an enormous amount about the bible, attended religious schools and overall was a devout Christian until he realized that most of it was bullshit. I think he believes in it still, he just doesn’t buy into the “born again” insanity.

So this guy, after hearing my friend tell him about the bible and explain his viewpoints on religion and how he arrived at them, lays out the whole “you are at a point that I was before I realized the truth” or some shit like that. He continued, “you probably know more about the bible than I do, but do you realize that all you have to do is ask Christ to be your personal lord and savior?” Well duh.

This is your American Christian in action. Doesn’t know a goddamn thing about the bible yet is the expert on what it takes to save your soul. Has no clue as to where any of the words he said came from, yet will tell you you’re wrong because he “knows the way.” It’s funny how all of these people are better than you and you’re not quite on their level because of their religious conversion. Hate to break it to ya, but dumbasses are NEVER on my level.

All you have to do is ask Jesus huh? If it was that easy, don’t you think everybody would be doing it? It’s like those late night/late morning cable ads where the guy works from home and makes $450,000 a year. It’s too good to be true. It’s too easy.

Nothing in this life is that easy. If someone came to you today and said, “you can be a multi millionaire by the end of the day if you just come to my seminar and pledge your loyalty to me.” You’d throw the guy out on his ass. So why don’t we do that to the American Christian? Because they’re crazy and crazy people can’t be reasoned with or negotiated with. You can’t have a logical discussion about religion with a wacko “born again.” It’s like trying to discuss quantum theory with the dude on Colfax with gold paint all over his face form huffing it out of a bag. You’re just wasting your time.

The only difference between American Religious Nuts and Middle Eastern Religious Nuts is the American version isn’t going into a Starbucks and blowing everyone up….yet. Sure we get some of those fuckers shooting up abortion clinics are killing doctors who perform abortions, and while this is sad and alarming, they aren’t going into America’s malls and taking out a large numbers of people; probably because they know they’d be killing a lot of like minded people. They’re bound to do something horrifying in the future, but if there is a positive to suicide bombings, it’s that the American religious freak feels he is so much better than his turban wearing counterpart that he wouldn’t dare sink to their level. Good for us huh?

What brought this latest bile up from the depths of my stomach was a story I read today about RFID chips being the Mark of the Beast.
RFID (radio frequency identification) is rapidly becoming the standard in credit cards and all the shit you use on a daily basis to buy coffee, beer and baby formula….oh wait, that’s what I use it for. Well this nut in the story is convinced that RFID is the Mark of the Beast as foretold in Revelations….that’s a section in the bible for all you “born agains” who haven’t actually bothered to read the thing.

If you read the article it talks about how throughout history, religious crazies have thought various technological advances have been the Mark of the Beast. The Guttenberg Press sent countless mental patients masquerading as normal people into a tizzy when it was introduced. So as each new thing is invented, Revelations gets a boost in ratings because some freak sees a correlation to the BEAST.

If you read Revelations for what it is, anything can be seen as the Mark of the Beast or the signal for the start of the End Times. It’s ironic because if you read Revelations, you could easily interpret the reign of GW Bush as the coming of the Beast. He’s a charismatic leader who people follow blindly. This person is said be loved by a lot of people but is really the anti-Christ. I’m sure everyone on George’s side of the fence felt that way about Bill Clinton, so it’s hilarious that these so called religious people are in fact backing the anti-Christ now.

Here’s some info from a nut job’s website about the End Times:
1. Both beast and its image have exerted political and religious authority
2. Both claim power and right to admit or excommunicate church members
3. Both make laws and creeds to govern their religion
4. Both make names for their religion and assemblies in honor of men
5. Both offer an opportunity of salvation for the sinner after death
6. One claims that there is one body with two heads, the other claims that there are many bodies with one head

(It was funny that while looking up some things about this column, every religious site I went to for information asked for money and/or your email before it would give you more. I don’t believe in email addresses though. It’s the Mark of the Beast!)

Sounds like ol’ Bush to me. Here’s more from Wikpedia (which didn’t ask for any money):

“there is a general consensus that sometime prior to the expected return of Jesus, there will be a period of "trials and tribulations" during which the Antichrist, inspired by Satan, will attempt to win supporters, and will silence anyone or make enemies of any country that refuses to approve of him.”

Yep, that’s him.

And more:

“Some believe that the Antichrist will be of Jewish decent, basing their claims on Daniel 11:37. This verse says "Neither shall he regard the God of his fathers, nor the desire of women, nor regard any god: for he shall magnify himself above all," which matches Jewish tradition of faith in God[[2]]. This may also indicate that the Antichrist is a homosexual[[3]]. Also, the Antichrist, some believe because of John 5:43, may be accepted as Israel's Messiah.”

Really nice how they set the Jews and the gay guys up like that. Don’t try and become the first gay president or Israel’s Messiah any time soon.

And the Muslims have their say too:

“He will initially claim to be a prophet of God but will finally declare himself God.”

Again, sounds like our man GW because he’s such good buddies with God, or so he claims. I can see a single white female scenario playing out where GW will start borrowing Jesus’s clothes and wearing his hair in a similar fashion.

The funny thing about Revelations is that we know the outcome already. It’s like reading spoilers online about your favorite movies and tv shows. We know that Jesus wins! So why is everyone getting so upset?

If you know Jesus wins, why are you fighting the Mark of the Beast coming into play? You’d think these religious lunatics would welcome this. After all, they’re saved right? Once the Mark happens, Jesus is coming and he will save them all. I think it’s a bit telling that the religious fruitcake set is so upset by this; do they know deep down they’re full of shit and Jesus isn’t coming? If you truly believed all this shit, you’d welcome RFID with open arms. Bring on the Apocalypse! I’m ready Lord!

The born again credo of “asking Jesus to be your savior” is utter crap. It’s too easy. It makes people like George Bush have an easy out for all the bad shit they do. Fundamentalist Christianity (christian insanity?) attracts crazy people, drunks and drug addicts and other assholes who’ve fucked up along the way and instead of taking responsibility for their actions, they just have to say a few simple words and “poof,” all is forgiven. I realized a long time ago this was bullshit when my CCD teacher told me that because of Jesus’ forgiveness, even Al Capone could get into heaven (I grew up in Illinois and he was bad guy the kids all knew). I told my dad that and he laughed. “Yeah right,” he said. That’s all I needed to know.

So after my buddy had this enlightening religious discussion with a misinformed, delirious born again, the guy quit his job and went off on some half baked religious quest. I don’t know if my buddy spurred this on, but if this cat ends up shooting up a Hot Topic, I know who to blame.