Wednesday, February 27, 2008

We have a new winner

This just in: The mohawk on kids has replaced the mullet as the new white trash haircut.

The next time you go out take a look around and see all the kids with mohawks. The common denominator? The kid's parents are typically slobby, white trash. You never see well dressed, or hip parents with kids who have mohawks.

I don't know why the lower classes have adopted this hair style for their kids but it really has to cease. Please stop imposing your lame hair cuts on your kids. They don't know any better, and it doesn't make them look cool.

I've been thinking about this for awhile and after just seeing a CNN story about a kid who had been kicked out of school for his mohawk, I felt it needed to be written down. In the story, the kid was kicked out of school because his mohawk was a distraction and the school didn't want him to have it. The parent (parent of the year I think CNN said) defended it by saying there was nothing in the rules about mohawks. They also said they would move him to another school instead of cutting it off....yes, move him to another school over a haircut.

Look, if you're a teenager and you choose to look a certain way that is controversial, I'm all for your right to look that way. But this is a kid who doesn't know shit. The parent is the one who wants this haircut because he/she thinks it makes them look cool. "Hey everybody! Look how cool my kid looks! Makes me look cool too right?" Not with that NASCAR shirt and crappy goatee it doesn't buddy.

So, yeah, if you want to uproot your kid, take him away from his friends and teach him to just move on to the next place once someone tells you 'no', go right ahead. He'll be moving on a lot in his life...with no friends and a stupid fucking haircut.

And isn't the mohawk really just an 80's haircut anyway? The mullet is essentially an 80's haircut but if you wore a mohawk in the 80's you got into fights. Now that the mullet has been declared "uncool," I guess it's only natural that a haircut that was so "uncool" during the mullet's zenith be popular now.

So a message to you dear reader: the next time you're out, look for the kids' mohawk. Then look for his white trash mom basking in that mohawk's reflected glory.

And a message to all you white trash, basking in that reflected glory: there's something else you can do for your dumb kid other than giving them a haircut that sets them apart for all the wrong reasons...prepare them for their future in the fast food industry by buying them a hair net to go with their cool haircut.


Monday, February 04, 2008

Super Bowl Suck Fest

Honestly, does anyone put any faith in the Super Bowl Commercials being good anymore? I know I’ve said this for years and years, but what was once a showcase for bland corporations to highlight their crappy products with clever and humorous ads, is now just a way to blow a lot of money and entertain stupid people.

It’s almost like everyone at the networks and the advertising agencies have given up pretending these ads are any good or have been any good for the last 15 years. Now it’s just “here’s some unfunny Pepsi commercials with animals attacking people! Enjoy.” They’re not even lying and telling us the ads are good which you know is nearly impossible for ad folk to do. When the lying sacks of shit who make the ads can’t muster the strength to toot their own nearsighted horns, you know the era of the “Super Bowl Commercial” is officially dead.

And with that glowing endorsement, here is my review of this year’s crap…I mean crop of Super Bowl Commercials:

Bud Lite had a series of commercials using the same theme of their product giving you some super power like breathing fire or flying. Then the use of that power went horribly wrong and Bud Lite would release a disclaimer telling you it didn’t do that anymore. Please see above about how lackluster all of these ads were and how it seems like the people who made them didn’t even give two shits and you will get a good idea about how effective these Bud Lite ads were. Kind of pointless, not very funny and still didn’t distract from the fact that Bud Lite tastes like cold filtered urine.

Bud Lite also had an ad where hen pecked dudes are dragged to a wine and cheese party only to have secreted in a supply of Bud Lite. “Wine is for fags and we just want to watch football,” is all this ad says, nay screams at you. Ladies, if you’re dating someone like this or related to this ad, cut ties now before he’s fat and bald and you’re planning on killing him in his sleep.

Another un-noteworthy Bud Lite ad featured Cavemen trying to get Bud Lite to a party. They say the word “suck” a bunch and the ad goes nowhere fast. I know there’s a cavemen/Bud Lite drinker parallel in here somewhere but I was so bored by this seemingly written by a 14 year old commercial, that I think I’ll just move on.

Under Armour had an ad where the black dude with the bulging neck veins is yelling at a bunch of people (all wearing said Under Armour) in a strange fascist like setting from Orwell’s 1984. In fact, it looked a lot like Apple’s 1984 ad only in bright colors and a fantastical multi-racial cast. I guess this clothing company is totally cool with having their spokesmen get up on a podium and shout “triumph of the will” like at people poised to play their best pick up basketball game of their lives. I know jock culture is very fascist at its core, but do you really want this to be associated with your product? I felt instead of those assembled going forth and playing sports like never before, they were going to start raping until they reached the sea. Sweat wicking fabric never looked so ugly.

And speaking of associations, do you really want your product to be associated with Sucking? Well that’s just what the fine folks at Pepsi did with their Justin Timberlake ad. The ad was alright and any time a cunt like Justin Timberlake can poke fun at himself, I’m ok with it. Don’t argue with me here. You’ve been brainwashed by this new and improve JT we’ve seen over the last couple of years. He’s still the douche from New Kids On The Block and his music sounds like he just ripped of Peaches, so don’t give me any guff about JT being cool. He’s not. In the ad he isn’t either and as some girl “sucks” her Pepsi, JT is drawn to her. Hence that sucking and Justin Timberlake go hand in hand. Again I ask you dear reader, do you really want to associate your product with this?

I do have a bias about the first Pepsi ad that was run during the SB. It was for Diet Pepsi Max and I know one of the actors in the ad. Now most Pepsi ads suck and are typically insulting to the intelligence of most people watching but I will say if Pepsi wants to pay someone I know a lot of money to be in their ad then I’ll say “Go Diet Pepsi Max!” Not really, but he was funny in it and deserves high praise even if it was a liquid I wouldn’t beer bong up my ass and spray in the face of Bill O’Reilly when he comes to Denver this summer for the DNC.

What is it with the use of animals in so many commercials? When was it decreed that animals=funny? Watch any movie trailer and if the main character gets attacked by an animal (either in the face or balls) and you can be assured it will be a horrible catastrophe masquerading as comedy. Looking at you Steve Zhan.

So many commercials used animals it was, well, unfunny as I previously claimed. Budweiser did a Rocky spoof involving a dog and a Clydesdale that was so bland and unoriginal I thought I had a large chunk of Two and a Half Men in my mouth.

Toyota had some ad about weasels chewing your face off and Fed Ex had something about killer carrier pigeons destroying a city. If these had been the only ads featuring animals they might have worked but after getting whipped across the face by furry tails for the first half of the game, I wasn’t having it.

Bridgestone used animals to successfully show their tires worked well avoiding the killing of animals but the Sobe Life Water ad featuring that super model who beat people with cell phones and dancing to “Thriller” with computer animated lizards was about as impactful as a baby fart in a bus station. If you’re titillated by an ad like this, you are either 10 years old or are wearing a diaper and a helmet. Rounding out the ads featuring animals, I was distracted by something during the start of a Doritos commercial only to catch the end where a guy in a mouse suit was beating the shit out of someone. Did I miss something here? Oh yeah, I missed how this is supposed to be funny. This commercial, like the flavor of Doritos, tastes like rat poison after you’ve had enough.

During half time of the super bowl, when I thought they’d really ramp it up, I was struck again by how uninspired and weak all of these ads were. It’s been like this for awhile and I’ll guaranteed that soon, if not even the next year, you’ll start seeing news articles on “How Come the Super Bowl Ads Aren’t Good Anymore?” Mark my words, it’s coming. And a big reason why is summed up in these two words:

Carlos Mencia. Not only are his Bud Lite commercials painfully unfunny and seemingly written by retarded 15 year olds, but Menica himself is about as humorous as a dead baby dragging from the bumper of an SUV. Carlos Mencia is the worst piece of shit currently stinking up the comedy world and any company that would employ him to sell their products apparently doesn’t need my money. It would take a lot to make me change the channel during a commercial, but Carlos Mencia and this terrible ad will do the trick. Whoever came up with this concept and whoever hired this cocksucker to sell Bud Lite should be fired and then shot out of a cannon into a dumpster filled with broken glass….then, made to hang out with people who like these ads for an entire weekend. That should fix em.

Planters had an ad where a terribly ugly woman was getting all sorts of attention from good looking guys. Later we find out she was attracting the fellas, not from some new perfume, but from rubbing Planters nuts on her neck and tits. Again, do we really want rubbing nuts on your chest to be associated with your product? I mean she was going to have nuts rubbed all over her face later if we are to believe this heinous freak was to hook up with some of these guys so whatever sells more nuts I guess.

There was a pretty good ad featuring a baby buying and selling stocks with E Trade. The baby was talking about how easy it was and then he spits up, thus confirming that he’s still a baby. Kind of cute, clever and involving vomit. Pretty much my criteria for a good commercial. Oh and if it involves Carlos Mencia’s death, I’d consider it good too.

Like I said before, the Super Bowl commercials have been bad for a long time and this was the first year I noticed the major media wasn’t going hog wild promoting them. This year was no different: the ads were uninspired, drab and nothing we haven’t seen before. It’s only a matter of time before the backlash starts. Perhaps that means better commercials, but really it just means Bud Lite will throw more money at the problem which ironically enough won’t improve the taste of their shitty beer.

So, like Grey’s Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, the last two Radiohead albums, anything written by Paul Haggis, American Idol, any kind of Dance Competition, Dane Cook and anything else that has enjoyed widespread popularity only to meet its inevitable demise once everyone figures out it sucks, I now add another titan to its ranks: Super Bowl Commercials. You’ve fooled us for a long time and now it’s obvious to even a blind man that you’ve worn out your welcome. You, like GW Bush had a great run while a small minority of us couldn’t understand how everyone else could be so dumb. But like GW, it’s all over now baby blue. Pack up your talking/attacking animals and please leave. Oh and don’t forget Carlos Mencia, he’s over in the corner counting his money and sucking.


UPDATE: I was just watching PTI on ESPN and they dedicated a small bit to have the Super Bowl commercials have year expect it more and the year after that even your local news will have a story on it....i know, i'm ahead of my time.