Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Obama’s New Catchphrase

So I was watching the results from the Pennsylvania primary a little while back. The report said Clinton won because of the support of white women. They broke down the voting for said white women and it went something like 68% for Hillary and 22% for Barack. I don’t know where the other 10% went.

The reporter made a big deal how this was a big deal for Hillary and subsequently for Barack due to the fact that white women prefer Clinton.

And then it hit me. The perfect catchphrase for Obama after the Pennsylvania primary. Borrowing Cleavon Little's line from the comedy classic Blazing Saddles, Obama should just come out and say:


Simple, effective and to the point. Where indeed are all his white women at? I'm sure someone somewhere is using this to make white people look more racist. And speaking of which, this catchphrase is still better than Rush Limbaugh’s “where all my prescription drugs at?” McCain’s “where am I at?” and Bill O’Reilly’s “where all my white women I can sexually harass at?”


Wednesday, April 09, 2008

The Most Overrated Albums of all Time

As I finished this list, I decided to see if anyone else had this bright idea. Much to my surprise, a lot of people had the same bright idea. Oddly enough some of my top ranked overrated albums were common to other lists. And then there were some albums that all the writer could say about was “I don’t get it.” Well, that’s kind of a cop out. You might not like the Arcade Fire, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t good. Just because your taste sucks and you know how to access the internet is no reason to spread your drivel like so much bad mayonnaise. With that, I hope you like my list. And if you don’t, there’s the internet. Use it.

10. Liz Phair - Exile In Guyville

Take away the fact that the title is a bad Stones reference. No, it’s a terrible Stones reference. Is Guyville all she could come up with? Guyville sounds like a gay sports bar for accountants. This is a classic example of an extremely overrated album because 1) it’s awful and 2) every white woman aged 34-40 owns it or name checks it. Notice I didn’t say they still listened to it.

With it’s faux feminism masquerading as hot blow jobs (worked for Alanis too), there isn’t a single hook, lyric or melody that you could point to that would make it as popular as it seems. Chicks and several lame dudes ate this up because Phair was an unpleasant mix between Sheryl Crow and Courtney Love; singing about giving head and really nothing else. I hear it’s being re-released as a “deluxe” edition. I just threw up in my mouth too.

9. Metallica - Master of Puppets

I know, not a popular choice, but here me out: Of the early output of Metallica (before they cut their hair, got their lips pierced and proceeded to fully suck cat ass) it’s by far the weakest. Ride the Lightning is to Master as Exile in Guyville is to whitechocolatespaceegg….ok, bad example.

Master signified the end of this Metallica era. With the death of Cliff Burton the band ultimately moved on to browner pastures. It also signified their entrance into the arena rock posturing that has cost them their most important asset: credibility. With that said, Master of Puppets is still a great album. There is some of Metallica’s finest work on here, but overall it’s looked to as their overall best work and that is simply not true. And for that, it makes this list.

8. Sufjan Stevens - Illinois

Indie rock creeps wet themselves a few years back declaring this pretentious knob the greatest thing since the advent of the porn box (your computer). I’ve tried to listen to it and its saccharine-y self consciousness just makes me ill.

Check out the picture of this wanker wearing his wings. Can you really take him seriously? He certainly takes himself very seriously. Fanboys and indie rock web editors put this jag off on a pedestal so high it was impossible to inform him that he might just suck as bad as Liz Phair. I’m sure he’d just flap his wings and fly away to make another cutesy album about a state. Here’s a state for you: the state of catatonia you’ve put me in with your bad music.

7. Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

More like “this album is a Lemon that has cause Infinite Sadness in anyone who invested an ounce of themselves into modern rock.” A little long but fairly accurate. Other than the first track, this is a double album’s worth of steaming dog piss. And yet it’s probably their best selling and critically received. Go figure.

Corgan adopted his bald headed, Nosferatu persona at this point; utilizing flowing tunics and Bowie-esque theatrics. But without the talent and musical ingenuity of the thin white duke. If there ever was a blowhard emperor of rock who fiddled away while his fan base and integrity burned to the ground, Corgan would be on the official coin on Blowhardia.

6. Notorious B.I.G - Life After Death

Spotty hip hop with a handful of bona fide classic jams on it. With the stink of Sean “Puffy” Combs all over it, this album was released after B.I.G. was killed, therefore guaranteeing its place in the pantheon of hip hop classics. Biggie was a pretty talented dude, but would this have been as huge if he hadn’t died? Probably. Really because hip hop is a singles driven medium and there are some bangers on this, but it doesn’t deserve half the hype it was afforded. And really, why did anyone think it was a good idea for Puff Jiggly to whisper “Bad Boy” over every single goddamned track? He absolutely ruined ¾ of the songs on this record simply by opening his mouth. You have to have some sort of personality disorder to inject yourself that much into someone else’s work. But I guess he was dead so he had no way to stop him. Great work you douche bag.

5. Pearl Jam - Entire Discography

If Nirvana was the Beatles and Soundgarden was the Stones, Pearl Jam are the Monkees. A fabricated band made up to milk the pacific north west grunge cash cow. That’s actually an insult to the Monkees who had some pretty good songs. But you get the idea.

My distaste for Pearl Jam has abated over the last couple of years but my gall for the fans of the band still remains toxic. The band and its output has been mediocre at best yet the fans put them up there with some of the greats in the music world. And have you listened to “Jeremy” from 1991‘s Ten album? Not very good. Do you know what Soundgarden offered up in 1991? Badmotorfinger that’s what. “Rusty Cage” blows away anything PJ has done in its entire career. And which one is considered the better band by white dudes in their 30’s? That’s the sole definition of overrated.

4. The Rolling Stones - Exile on Main Street

Ironic that this great classic album should share the same list as the cheap knockoff offered up by Liz Phair. It is a great, classic album. No doubt there. But even though it’s looked to as the “greatest” Stones album it merely comes in second or third in that race. People who want to seem hip or have read the manual on how to respond when asked what the best Stones album is will reply “Exile,” but we all know Sticky Fingers is a better album song by song.

This falls under the category that Master of Puppets (and a few more to follow) did in that it’s a fantastic album; it’s just not the best the music listening masses would like you to believe. I could write several pages on why Exile is good, but I only need two paragraphs to tell you why it makes this list.

3. Pet Sounds - The Beach Boys

Ug. Hipsters took up the Brian Wilson rallying cry in the mid 90’s and I’m still not sure if they were just being ironic. Sure I can give Wilson some credit for great harmonies and using a theremin, but really, this IS the Beach Boys were talking about.

The Beach Boys epitomized everything that I hated about music when I got old enough to know better. Cheeseball shit that sounded like it was custom made for dorks. Even the album cover ranks up there with one of the worst/hilarious rock and roll photos ever. I know the argument is that the Beatles influenced this with Rubber Soul and Pet Sounds in turn influenced them with Sgt. Pepper’s but Rubber Soul is a genius piece of work. Whereas Sgt. Pepper’s….well, you might just want to stay tuned.

I still think that someone, somewhere was making a joke when he proclaimed Pet Sounds to be brilliant. Then gullible hipsters ate it up and parroted that same notion, confounding people with taste like myself. Hey everybody let’s listen to Jan and Dean! They’re awesome! Suckers.

2. Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon

I once got into a heated exchange with my brother and a friend the time I declared Dark Side of the Moon to be “not very good.” The kind of reaction I got was to be expected from people who have been conditioned from a young age to love this boring piece of shit record.

Like most things on this list, there are better albums by this group. Yet, for some reason, this is held up to be one of the greatest albums of all time. Hogwash. Complete and utter hogwash. I can’t remember the song, and doing so would mean I’d have to actually listen to it again, but there are some female back up singers wailing away on it that sounds like someone who was doing too much cocaine was given too big a budget to record an album. It’s just over blown and ridiculous. Ridiculous like the notion that this album should be ranked as one of the greatest.

1. The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart Club Band

This album offers not only the greatest Beatles song, but one of the greatest pop songs ever written. “A Day in the Life” is the crowning achievement of not only songwriting but humanity in general. You can travel all over the world and there will be a guy with a guitar singing this on a street corner. It is just an epic song and I will argue to the death that it should be considered the greatest song of all time.

With that said, the album it comes from is truly the most overrated album of all time. Sure it changed the game in so many ways: the production was unique and way ahead of its time. The use of instruments and weird effects changed the music world as we know it. Sure, sure, sure. But it’s by far not the greatest Beatles album. Not even close. There’s some real clunkers of songs on here that just don’t catapult it to the level most have placed it. It’s great, don’t mis-read what I’m saying here, but it’s a third or fourth on the list of greatest Beatles albums for sure.

“Getting Better” and “She’s Leaving Home” are puzzling in their blandness. You can’t hit a home run every time, but shouldn’t what most consider “the greatest album of all time” be solid all the way through? Yes, it should. And Sgt. Pepper’s is not. Greatest album of all time? It’s up there sure. Totally overrated? You bet. The most overrated.


Thursday, April 03, 2008

Radiohead = U2...not a compliment

Radiohead sucks. And all you ass lickers who continue to promote, praise and worship these has-beens, can fuck right off.

Radiohead lost the plot after Amnesiac and that album was spotty at best. They have put out nothing but boring and bland shit since then and I would like to finally put it out there that Radiohead IS OVER. The only reason they continue to clog up Mp3 players and column after column of space on wank fests like Pitchfork (thank god no trees have been killed) is because they have the music buying public (well the ones who aren’t buying Madonna’s latest abortion) completely and utterly snowed as to who they really are.

Radiohead is today’s equivalent to U2. Now some of you might think this is a compliment. It’s not. Like U2, Radiohead has put out some incredible music. Put on some of the greatest live shows and dazzled fans with their unique and endearing interpretation of rock music. They’ve also faltered down the stretch like an aging athlete who can no longer carry the load. The ONLY think keeping them going is the good will they built up in the first part of their career.

U2 can do no wrong. They’ve sucked for a long time yet they are still considered one of the world’s greatest bands. I can think of two dozen bands who right now are making far better music than U2. Will they have the impressive catalogue that U2 boasts? No, probably not. But if we are judging current greatness by past accomplishments, O.J. Simpson, George W. Bush and Britney Spears would skip happily with Ghandi, Mother Teresa and MLK in a fairy tale land envisioned by indie rock dorks.

U2 will pop out a minor hit every now and awhile then coast on that for several years. Because of who they are and what they did (way back when), music fans will give them the pass. The Rolling Stones have been doing this for 30 years. The Stones, like U2 can do whatever they want because to say anything negative about them is tantamount to treason.

Sound like anyone you know?

Radiohead has crammed their way into this club too. It’s amazing that a band that has put out nothing but mediocre crap for the last couple of years, can still be held in high regard. Take a look at any music site and you will find several stories akin to “Radiohead’s Thom Yorke took a big shit today,” or “Radiohead has nothing new to add, just seeing if you’re paying attention” populating its pages. They don’t do anything and yet it’s reported on. Why? Because everyone has got it in their head that this band is still relevant and important, and to NOT report on them would be admitting that you are not relevant and important. It’s brilliant, top notch marketing.

Puff Daddy is the same way. We can all agree he sucks. Maybe he’s a talented producer but as a performer and a human being, he’s a complete sack of shit. Yet, does anyone come out and say this? No. Why? Because everyone’s afraid to do so. He’s still a popular man and more importantly, a rich man, so no one will stand up and point out what we all know: he sucks the sweat off Tony Little’s balls.

No indie hipster will admit that Radiohead has lost several steps. To do so would look bad in the eyes of all the other hipsters who have drank Thom Yorke’s Kool Aid. Hail to the Thief is such a bad and unfocused album it makes Ashlee Simpson records seem enjoyable. In Rainbows was only slightly better. I listened to that semi-stinker multiple times before realizing it’s like latte foam: a lot of air and kind of flavorless. The other aspect to the Radiohead phenomenon is that they did make good music at one point, and seeing them like this now is like seeing Superman die. Radiohead was the champion of all people who liked intelligent, important rock music. If you liked Radiohead, you were smart. You didn’t go in for all that meathead shit. They were heroes. You can respect the hell out of them (I do), but it’s time to finally admit that they are shadows of their former selves and making music that is sub par at best.

If you and your friends created In Rainbows, no record company would put that out. The only reason it got made and released (oddly enough by the band itself) is because Radiohead did it. Does anybody really want to hear the music Paul McCartney is making these days? No. But because he’s Paul McCartney we give him a polite pass.

Radiohead should keep making music. That’s their right. But let’s not step in a turd and pretend it smells like roses. The band is making uninspired music that sounds like everything else they’ve done for the last couple of years. Is that praiseworthy? Does that really earn them countless press on every music website? Separate yourself from who they are and what they’ve done and you will see a aging beauty who has no business playing the 25 year bombshell. Pam Anderson meet Radiohead. Radiohead meet your future.

The Rolling Stones and U2 are not relevant anymore. But like your grandfather, they should be afforded respect and admiration for the contributions they’ve made. Radiohead is not relevant anymore either. They’ve epitomized the law of diminishing returns with their lackluster musical output yet have forged bold new trails in marketing and promotion. Music geeks have ironically put them on a high pedestal because they can’t bear to see their heroes fall; writing stories about their every movement (bowel or otherwise).

So before the next bowel movement of an album by Radiohead comes out and bloggers and indie dorks everywhere rev up their false worship machine, take a page from the nostalgia act that is Radiohead and remember the “good ol’ days” when the band actually made music that mattered. And if you can’t buy this, have fun seeing these guys play their “bleep bloop“ snore fest music well into their 70‘s. Thom Yorke might even let you watch him take a shit….you can pay as little or as much as you want. I think we already have.