Friday, February 24, 2006

What's On Your Ipod?

I was thinking about my ipod the other day and wondered what bands I had the most of on it. I currently have 7,548 songs on my 40 gig and am adding more every day.

Here's the list of the most prominent players in my pod:

6 albums of the combined acts of the Smiths/Morrisey.

6 albums of the combined acts of Pavement/Malkmus.

6 albums from the immortal Willie Nelson (this includes a "best of").

7 Fugazi albums.

7 Neil Young albums.

7 Slayer albums.

And now, the real players on my ipod:

The Figgs clock in at 9 albums (some of these are eps).

The Cure is represented by 10 albums.

Tom Waits of course has 10 albums gloriously taking space on my ipod.

Black Sabbath has 10 albums in the ol' library. I love Sabbath. I even have a Dio Sabbath on there.

And the winner of the most albums featured on my ipod?

None other than the mother fuckin' Rolling Stones who registered a whopping 11 albums on my ipod. God Bless those wrinkly bastards.

Honorable mentions: Built to Spill, Miles Davis, U2 (yeah, I know, but I still have a soft spot for their old stuff), Johnny Cash and of course King Tubby; who probably has more albums on there than anyone, but his name is on everything, so I can't actually list him. I've got a TON of Tubby on there, but who knows what he did and what his name was just placed on. He could have beat the more ways than one.

Please let me know what the rest of y'all have the most of on your ipods.


Thursday, February 23, 2006

The Daily Show: Bad For America?

I’ve come to the probably unpopular conclusion that The Daily Show is not funny. If not for John Stewart’s impeccable comic timing, I think the show would be about as funny as anything Jim Belushi was ever involved with. I can find some of it mildly amusing but there’s not much propping up the lame “politically charged” jokes other than its willingness to stick it to politicians. Stewart is funny, but he’s milking his legend more than he’s actually being funny on the show. The studio audience and a large following of numbskulls fanatically support The Daily Show and proclaim it provocative with their constant guffawing at Stewart’s easy takes on the state of the union.

I used to watch The Daily Show a lot back when Craig Kilborn was the host and didn’t see any problem with Stewart taking the reigns. But sure enough, like the US Women’s Olympic snowboard team, the great expectations went south quickly.

I’m glad someone’s humorously pointing out the hypocrisy and absurdity of the Bush administration but that’s all it is: comedy. Bush is laughing all the way the Dick Cheney’s bank because the voice of dissention has been reduced to a half hour of comedy on a basic cable channel. Shit, Stewart can riff all he wants, it doesn’t change anyone’s mind. The people watching the Daily Show and getting off on the Bush bashing won’t do shit about it once South Park comes on. And that's just how Bush's gang likes it.

Dick Cheney is a great example. Sure he shot someone but the fact that everyone obsessed over it is just pathetic. Of all the evil, illegal, crappy things Cheney has done, the media is going to beat him up for shooting someone while hunting? Give me a break. People get shot all the time hunting. This isn’t shocking. And when Cheney tried to explain it was the dummy’s fault that he got shot (in true Bush Administration fashion) he was railed for it. You tell me, someone gets shot in the face and you don’t think they might have been in the wrong place at the wrong time? Jesus. I never thought I’d be defending DICK, but here I am.

The ass pounding Cheney has taken is just further evidence that the Democrats have nothing to offer. They have to beat this guy up over getting drunk and shooting some poor sap (like Ted Nugent hasn’t done that 20 times already) when he’s probably the most vile and corrupt politician since Boss Tweed and Boss Hogg combined. Please, don’t waste your time pondering the time line of the hunting accident when you could be investigating the countless Halliburton contracts awarded in Iraq that are lining DICK’s pockets right now.

Fucking Christ.

The Daily Show is a symptom of this. It’s a lazy way for armchair activists to get angry about the state of the world while never straying too far from the bong or the Cheeto bag. They laugh way too hard at weak Jon Stewart jokes and become indignant when GW displays just how fucking stupid he really is. But once the half hour is over, Bush keeps getting away with it, Comedy Central makes its money, and another liter of Pepsi is liberated from its bottle.

Please save your “But What Are You Doing?” bullshit anonymous posts. I don’t care. Jon Stewart (or his writers) are doing their part by at least being the only media outlet to comment on some of the jackassery going on. But it’s the people, by watching The Daily Show, who feel they’ve made a difference and that’s what’s wrong here. Today’s American can literally watch a TV show, laugh too hard at borderline unfunny jokes and feel they’ve done something to help the world.

It’s kind of like that one guy in the movie theater who’s laughing way too hard at the jokes in the film because he was told it was funny and feels that if he’s not laughing his ass off, he’s missing something. They figure if they laughed hardest, they care the most and were the only ones who “got it.” Well, you don’t “get it” do you? Daily Show viewers are just like that; I guess they’d rather laugh than getting their hands dirty with how fucked up our federal government is. And I can’t really blame them actually. Just don’t think they’re “doing something” by simply watching Jon Stewart mug for the camera.

And on that note, I just want to say that Lewis Black, The Daily Show commentator is the MOST UNFUNNY MAN in America. Why this sad sack of shit is still on this show, I will never understand. He sucks so bad it brings tears to my eyes if I can’t find the remote to get his dismal act off of my TV screen. The entire cast of MAD TV combined can’t equal the level of suckiness that Lewis Black spits up during every episode of The Daily Show…..but again, he’s getting plenty of laughs, so what does that tell you? That Americans have their head up their ass about yet another thing: comedy. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, there’s a reason why According to Jim is still on the air.


Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Savor the Flavor

I’m trying to type this with a bag of ice on my crotch because I pulled my groin playing hockey. I’ve gone awhile without getting injured so I’m pretty sure any old man jokes digs you have for me are moot. I am old, but I’m in ok shape even though I’m sore all the time; but I don’t admit that.

It’s funny though, there’s this old dude who plays in the same league and he looks a bit like a child molester. He’s an ok guy, he just looks creepy. He’s old or looks old. I’m 35, but this guy looks 48. The problem is whenever I play against his team or before his team, I happen to look over at the exact time he walks by naked to the shower. Every fucking time. I did it tonight and I told my buddy CP about it who thought it was hilarious. I’m pretty sure he was glad he didn’t see him naked because the image is ghastly. I’m beginning to feel he thinks I’m checking him out because I literally have seen him naked like 10 times in the last four months.

Typical locker room etiquette states that if you just happen to make eye contact with a naked man going to the shower, you look away casually like it’s no big deal. I’ve done that so many times with this guy he doesn’t buy it anymore. I don’t know why I just happen to be looking at the spot where he walks by, but it happens all the time.

The next time he’s around, I’m just looking straightforward until I know he’s done being naked. It’s a horrible sight and I would rather have two groin pulls than see him naked again.

But icing my crotch hasn’t stopped me from getting fired up about Flavor of Love. If you read my earlier post, I can’t get enough of Flavor of Love. It’s the best reality show on television. It has it all: Gold diggin’ bitches, hot naked skanks, and best of all, Flavor Flav. Flavor Flav should seriously be on a goddamn stamp.

The one crazy ass bitch “Hottie” got kicked off recently and was given the most unceremonious exit. Flav happened to catch her on old episode of “Blind Date” where she revealed her true self as the crazy, gold diggin’ bitch that she is. Seriously, this woman is nuts. When there was challenge to cook Flav fried chicken, she took a raw chicken, stuffed it with vegetables and put in the microwave for five minutes….and didn’t see anything wrong with that.

Flav figured she was trouble after seeing “Blind Date” and gave her the boot. The best part was, every time she was interviewed, she kept blinking her big, luscious lashed eyes. When she did, they put in a sound effect like a bike bell ringing. It was a masterstroke on the producers’ part and made her look even crazier; if that was possible. Cha-ching, cha-ching!

There was a great part where Flav told the girls they were going to meet some “old friends” of his. The girls went crazy saying, “we’re going to meet Public Enemy!” and put on their hoochiest of hoochie momma clothing. Well, Flav took them to some “old friends.” It was a retirement home and the girls had to put in false teeth and rub lotion on some very old and nasty feet. You won’t find comedy like that on Survivor, no fucking way.

So Flav’s got his hands full. He’s down to three girls: Pumpkin (bland, dumb white girl who looks like a poor, poor man’s Cameron Diaz), Hoopz (super hot, in shape, light skin black girl) and New York (the uber crazy, could be a man, too much make-up havin’ whatever she is).

I’m pretty sure Pumpkin blew Flav this week to keep herself around and the preview next week shows her and New York fighting; NY attacks pumpkin and pushes her past the camera crew. If there is a god, NY will end up on the Surreal Life and Corey Feldman will strangle her to death.

I mean, if you haven’t seen this, doesn’t it sound ridiculous? My description can’t do it the justice it deserves, so I would urge you to check it out, or fire up your TiVo so it’s waiting for you when you come home drunk some time next week.

The only thing that can make this better is if Chuck D shows up (doesn’t look like he’s going to, and Pumpkin wouldn’t know who he was anyway) and spat some lyrics of fury to see which woman could handle it. I think Pumpkin’s head was fall off, because she already admitted she doesn’t understand Flav’s “black slang.” Classic. I’m pulling for my girl Hoopz but I’m sure when Flavor Flav’s involved, anything can happen. Flavor Flav on the hype tip for sure.


Thursday, February 16, 2006

Getting High On Fire

Speaking of High on Fire, the mighty metal band is playing tonight (friday feb 17th) at Cervantes in Denver.

I will be there, wearing earplugs because I've already had enough problems with my ears. Stop by and say hey....unless you hate me...then you probaby wouldn't be there anyway...but if you are there, well maybe you are a Satan worshipping metal fan after all. bless you.


Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Arrested Development Rides Off Into the Sunset

Life sure as fuck isn’t fair. Genuinely good things goes unnoticed until they’re gone and the bad and mediocre get rewarded because people who don’t know their ass from a hole in Shitney Spear’s head get to make the decisions.

It’s become almost cliché to lament the passing of Fox’s Arrested Development. The awesome and destined to be classic half hour show was cancelled, presumably due to low ratings, even though it won an Emmy and achieved a near fanatical fan base. It was routine to hear myself, friends and family members say, “why is Arrested Development getting cancelled when (insert bad Fox show here) is still on?” My favorite shows to insert were The War At Home, a terrible waste of a half hour, and Prison Break. Talk about a Gilligan’s Island scenario; either they escape or not and the show’s over. Just a plain waste of everyone’s time. And very, very homoerotic from the look of the commercials, just like the OC.

My sister can’t believe Stacked, the Pam Anderson “laugh-fest” is still on instead of Arrested, and I’m pretty sure if you shaved some money off of Bill O’Reilly’s sexual harassment defense fund, there’d be some money left over to pay for Arrested Development’s production. Couldn’t have Fox spared us the abysmal Head Cases (which lasted like two episodes and I won a bet with my wife because it was cancelled…she claimed it would go a full season. Ha.) and the soon-to-be-cancelled, as soon-as-it-premiers because it looks terrible, The Loop?

I think that was the problem with Arrested Development. It probably cost more to make because it wasn’t done on a crappy sound stage. They actually shot a lot on location which can’t be cheap. The War At Home is done on one, maybe two sets and they got writers from the local community college to send in jokes for added savings. They saved even more money by getting photos of Michael Rappaport blowing Spike Lee and blackmailed him into to doing the show for free. That’s the only reason I could come up with as to why he would be involved with something sooooo shitty.

Married: With Children, the epic Fox sitcom was filmed on a few sets and still became a classic American comedy (seriously, I believe this). But what other sitcoms do you remember being on Fox during the time it was on? The Simpsons? Was there anything else that stood the test of time? No, because Fox has a long track record of putting out crap and not recognizing when it has something good.

Arrested Development is probably gone for good. There were grumblings that it could go to another network or Showtime, but I don’t think those rumors have panned out. It’s a shame because it was by far the best written comedy on TV in a long while. Was it too sophisticated for the bland American palette? I think so. The fact that the According to Jim, Yes Dear, and The King of Queens are still on proves that.

So for the same reason Asslee Simpson sells a lot of records and Martin Lawrence still makes movies, Arrested Development has gone the way of the dodo. The lesson here is enjoy it while it lasts because no matter how much talent and creative juice you have in a project, it won’t matter when Skating With Bruce Jenner’s Plastic Surgery Disaster pulls in more ratings. Vaya con dios, Arrested Development.

Epilogue to this post: William Hung (the spectacular failure of American Idol) was on one of the final episodes of Arrested. William Hung and the Hung Jury was his band name I think. Anyway, I’ve got a great William Hung story that I’ll share with you next time.


Thursday, February 09, 2006

The Grammy's...or the Hammy's because it's all fat and salt

I don’t have to tell you that the Grammy’s stink like bunghole. Anyone with even a half way decent musical taste knows that the Grammy’s are just a music industry wank off that doesn’t truly reflect who put out the best music last year. It’s all about sales and what the dullards will sit and listen to dozens of times a day. Yeah, some will argue that if someone sells a lot of music, it means a lot of people listen to it. Sure. But have you ever seen what the people who buy Mariah Carey or new U2 albums look like? These people look characters from an old John Waters movie…scratch that; those people probably even have better music taste.

Music taste is all in the ear of the beholder I guess. Where one person is into the Decemberists, another is into Suckjan Stevens. Now I hate Suckjan, but if you’re into him, you’re probably smart enough to like some other good stuff. If you bought the latest Black Eyed Peas album, you’re probably wearing an adult diaper.

I took a look at the Grammy winners because I would rather have the rough end of a coax cable shoved up my pee hole than sit through that shit. Here’s what I came up with.

Record of the Year: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams," Green Day.
-It’s not that I don't mind this newer Green Day stuff; it’s just that it’s so weird to see these guys getting Grammy’s. A lot of teenagers bought this and while that’s fine, you probably want to be selling to teens when you’re closer to their own age.

Male R&B Vocal Performance: "Ordinary People," John Legend.
-I’ve heard the name, but have never heard the music. How is that? Wouldn’t R Kelly have been up for this award? That’s who would get my vote.

Pop Vocal Album: "Breakaway," Kelly Clarkson.
-Any time a TV created pop star starts winning awards, it's sad and alarming. Did the Monkees win any Grammy’s? They should have, they had some pretty good songs and with none of the pretension of being a star that stinks up Clarkson.

Rap/Sung Collaboration: "Numb/Encore," Jay-Z featuring Linkin Park.
-Jay Z’s cred took a serious hit when he hooked up with these whiny pussies. Linkin Park is one of the worst rap/nu metal/whine rock groups to ever spray their feces onto the radio. Did Jay Z not know these guys sucked so bad when he agreed to do it? Hell, why doesn’t he just record an album with Limp Bizkit next? It’s just as bad.

Song of the Year: "Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own," U2.
-Will someone please stop feeding U2’s ego? U2 hasn’t done anything worth a shit in years and years. Their Ipod commercial (which is the only reason anyone heard anything new by U2 in years) was pretty good, but of all the music that was released last year, U2 is the only group you can think of to give an award?

Female Pop Vocal Performance: "Since U Been Gone," Kelly Clarkson.
-Again, a media created singer who is only in there because they couldn’t think of anyone else to give it to.

Country Album: "Lonely Runs Both Ways," Alison Krauss and Union Station.
-Wait. A country award that doesn’t go to some jerk named Chesney or Toby? What the fuck?

Rap Album: "Late Registration," Kanye West.
-I don’t like him and I’m sure there’s better hi- hop that came out last year but he’s the only black guy the retards voting on the Grammy’s could think of doing that rap music. Notice it says “rap” and not hip-hop. Just shows you how out of touch they really are.

Rock Album: "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb," U2.
-Rock? Seriously? Again, they couldn’t think of anyone else. They might as well call this the “Default” award.

Rap Solo Performance: "Gold Digger," Kanye West.
-I’ll give this one to them. As far as a single goes, it was pretty good. But I can’t help but think he gets votes because he looks like the CEO of a company and not like he just got released from a maximum-security facility.

Rap Performance by a Duo or Group: "Don't Phunk With My Heart," The Black Eyed Peas.
-Oh man. These guys are such a joke. They already have turned themselves into cartoon versions of themselves with their Best Buy ads and they can only sink further and further into ridiculousness from here. Their music is for brain dead morons who can still tap their toe and they need clever song titles just to detract from their bland hip-hop. Remember the crazy looking dudes from Hammer’s posse back in the 80’s? The Black Eyed Peas will look just as stupid 10 years from now.

Rap Song: "Diamonds From Sierra Leone," D. Harris and Kanye West.
-This is the best “rap” song? Surely there has been a better song than this. Kanye’s “Gold Digger was better than this shit. Again, they couldn’t find another black guy, so they had to go with this. Even that Laffy Taffy song is better than this.

Solo Rock Vocal Performance: "Devils & Dust," Bruce Springsteen.
-Eh, I like Bruce so much better now than I did in the 80’s that I don’t mind him getting an award. But like the Academy Awards, why not reward him for his good work and not a token award later on?

Rock Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocal: "Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own," U2.
-Please. I’m sick of writing about how lame this is.

Hard Rock Performance: "B.Y.O.B.," System of a Down.
-What’s the difference between Rock and Hard Rock. And why wasn’t TurboNegro nominated? System of a Down is just too “jokey” for me. Too goofy. There are tons of bad ass hard rock bands playing right now and System isn’t one of them.

Metal Performance: "Before I Forget," Slipknot.
-The only Metal band other than Metallica and Jethro Tull that the Grammy committee has heard of apparently. And the first two didn’t put out albums last year, so Slipknot gets the nod. How utterly shameful when High On Fire released Blessed Black Wings this past year. That album would tear the monster masks off all the members of Slipknot and melt Courtney Love’s plastic surgery into a pool at her feet. Now that’s metal.

Rock Song: "City of Blinding Lights, U2, (U2).
-Are they just handing out awards to be handing out awards? Did they just go through the track list on U2’s album and say, “yeah, that one sounds good.” What a crock of shit.

Alternative Music Album: "Get Behind Me Satan," The White Stripes.
-Oh yeah, here we go. Now it’s time for the “alternative” awards. Never heard of anyone else obviously. I like the White Stripes but did they really deserve this award for that album, or did the Grammy committee just ask some intern what alternative bands there were? When he listed the White Stripes as one of them, someone probably spoke up and said,“yeah, that one I’ve heard of!” If they’ve heard of a group in this category, it’s in because they couldn’t be bothered to go out and listen to anything else. Spoon put out a better “alternative” album as did Beck and Clap Your Hands, and the Shout Out Louds….the list goes on. But no one on the committee had heard of those guys right?

Female R&B Vocal Performance: "We Belong Together," Mariah Carey.
-She was supposed to sweep the Grammy’s but she came up short. By all rights she released a comeback album of sorts that if you’re into her, was supposed to be good, yet she gets killed by U2 who continue to mail it in. Do you think her famous melt down and foray into the movie business is all the Grammy people could remember? They do live in the past, so it’s very possible.

R&B Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocals: "So Amazing," Beyonce and Stevie Wonder.
-Does anyone know what this is?

Traditional R&B Vocal Performance: "A House Is Not a Home," Aretha Franklin.
-Shameful, token award for a legitimate legend. I hope she took the award and threw it into the crowd screaming “fuck you!”

Urban/Alternative Performance: "Welcome to Jamrock," Damian Marley.
-Of all the albums listed here, this was by far the best thing to come out. This album should have won album of the year because it’s seriously that good. But no. It’s relegated to Urban/Alternative (whatever the fuck that is) because it’s in a genre that doesn’t sell well in the U.S. The fact that it made it at all is surprising but it was such a good album, it probably couldn’t have been denied. But again, a truly great album gets the shaft and U2 is smirking all the way to the bank. Unfair, unbalanced and unethical. The Grammy’s, just like life.


Tuesday, February 07, 2006

The Argument For a Rigged NFL

I never thought I’d say this, but the NFL is most definitely rigged. The Super Bowl was the shining example of how money and ratings has overridden the integrity of the game.

What it comes down to is advertising dollars. Which team and its players will sell the most products? In the divisional playoff game between the Indianapolis Colts and the Pittsburgh Steelers, an outrageous overturned interception call nearly caused the Steelers to lose the game. If not for the Colts shooting themselves in the hoof, the Steelers wouldn’t have made it to the Super Bowl a few weeks later. And here’s why the call was overturned: Peyton Manning sells more products. Manning is the golden boy of advertising and his image of a future hall of fame quarterback makes cash registers ring all across the country. Simply put, Manning going deep into the playoffs means more money the NFL will make off of him. The Steelers weren’t supposed to win that game even though they kicked the shit out of the Colts. Whatever the refs could do to help the Colts along, they did. It was obvious and grotesque.

The misnomer here is that the refs are fixing games on their own. No, they’re not getting together before the game and deciding its outcome. No, they’re too dumb for that. The NFL (whether it be the commissioner, the czar or whoever pulls the strings) mandates that the refs make these horrible, horrible calls. Seriously. They’ve just gotten worse and worse every year. If you ran such a massive money making organization as the NFL, would keep these bumbling fools around who are making your game look absurd? Of course not.

This was a banner year for referee fuck ups. One would think the head honchos of the NFL would have gotten together and said “look, we have to do something about these knuckleheads ruining the best sport in the USA.” But nothing has happened.

The NFL won’t come out and blast the refs because if they hang them out to dry too many times (after asking them to basically fix games) the refs will revolt and all the dirty laundry will be out in the open.

Take this past Super Bowl for example. The Steelers made it past Indy and the hapless Broncos (sniff), suddenly they are the darlings of the advertising circuit. Once all the favorites were eliminated (the Patriots and Tom Brady couldn’t log enough advertising time this year), the Steelers became the chosen ones of American consumerism. Everyone wants to see Big Ben on Letterman and selling hot dogs right? Ben Rothlisberger went from doing bad sports memorabilia commercials to ads for Disney in a matter of two weeks. Strange, don’t you think? I don’t know about you, but the Seattle Seahawks are not dynamic personalities. I had no idea what Shaun Alexander even looked like before last week and Matt Hasselbeck is a bald dork. God forbid they’re just athletes who are supposed to make their money out on the field first. No one wants to see these guys hawking Pepsi and Visa related items. Before you could say “the fix is in,” the fix was in.

So during the actual Super Bowl, any time Seattle got a little momentum, they got the Joan Collins Special. That means they got screwed. A touchdown called back for dubious offensive pass interference call. Phantom Holding Calls and Big Ben’s touchdown that never touched the end zone. It was like watching gas prices rise and Exxon reporting record profits; there’s not a damn thing you could do about it.

The appropriate thing to do here is either announce that the refs are terrible (they have been for awhile) and fire all of them, or admit they are rigging the games to favor the more marketable. One would think the NFL would come out and blast the officials for fucking up so bad, but they don’t. If they fire these assholes, the refs will rat them out. If they admit to rigging the games, there will be a lot of gamblers out for blood.

NFL football is now America’s game. And if it ever comes out that the games have been rigged to satisfy advertisers and obnoxious East Coast ass lickers (i.e. fans in alleged “big markets”), I will kick Peyton Manning in the nuts….ok, I’ll do that anyway, but you get the point.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Super Bowl Commercial Suckfest

Every year it’s the same. The Super Bowl sucks and the commercials are even suckier. I can remember a time around the early 90’s when the Super Bowl commercials ceased to be exciting. Maybe I just grew up or just started despise bullshit, hackneyed ads, but I do remember a time when they were good. I think it was before I had pubic hair.

The Super Bowl was a time for advertisers to unfurl their meaty staffs and whip out their big guns and shoot a wad of consumerism down our throats. This was their time to take the new year by storm and burn an image of their product in our brains for months to come. Now it’s just Jessica Simpson shaking her ass for pizza.

And it’s not like Simpson’s pizza ads are sexy at all. I mean they want to sell pizza via her tight, pert breasts, but they can’t go fully porno because people will bum out. And it’s too bad because for the right money, Joe Simpson would force her daughter into just about any situation for the cash.

The Pizza Hut ads are just lame. I guess the ad itself is pretty bland, but what’s worse is how this so-called recording and movie star is relegated to just making TV commercials. I’m sure she got paid well, but it really is a sign of defeat when you go out like that; hawking pizza and shaking the only thing people will pay to see: that sweet ass. She’ll be in Playboy in five years: her father lurking in the shadows, masturbating while counting his money.

And how monstrous has Pizza Hut pizza become? The Cheesy Bites Poppable Crust thing looks like a failed human-animal hybrid experiment Bush was talking about. I’m fully expecting cow DNA to be baked into the pie that will make delicious cheese sauce until you consume its Frankenstein-like flesh. Jesus.

Diet Pepsi always gets my vote for worst ads and they don’t disappoint when something like the SB rolls around. Diet Pepsi, the very fragile structure still propping up P Duddly’s career, has a new slogan: “Brown and Bubbly.” P Duddly is in one of the ads where he wants to record a song with the can of Diet Pepsi. Jay Mohr, slumming it as usual, is an agent brokering the deal between the can and Diddly. Yeah, it’s just as mind numbing and ridiculous as it sounds.

The commercial is all hip-hopped out and the only white people you see are squares and blood sucking agents. The rest are fun loving black people, partying with Diet Pepsi. I guess that’s where “Brown and Bubbly” comes into play. Hey, while you’re just blatantly sucking up to whomever you think drinks that shit, you might as well target black people too. After all, Pepsi hasn’t seemed to give a poop (that’s brown and not so bubbly) about black America in the past and never really had black guys in their ads until Puff Dangly….Michael Jackson doesn’t count.

Anyway, it just shows what depths someone like P Duddly would go to make a buck. His music career is already in the toilet so he basically makes a statement with this ad that says “yeah, I will record a song with a soda can!” That says so much. What’s even better is he’s so full of shit, he doesn’t even realize that by doing a commercial like this and associating with the likes of an aluminum can, Carson Daly and other inanimate objects, he’s letting everyone know that he’s got nothing left in the tank. Good riddance you fucking dickhead.

There was a Sprint ad where a guy just hits another guy with his phone. Not funny, violent and obvious. I’m sure it made a “best of list” somewhere.

I actually liked a Hummer ad believe it or not. Most Hummer ads just blow. They are the pinnacle of asshole advertising; catering to consumers’ insecurities about not driving the biggest gas hog on the road and not being as cool as their stupid, jerk ass neighbors. The “Happy Jack” ad springs to mind as an example of Hummer’s belief that you should “just cheat and tell everyone else to fuck off” on the road of life.

But the Hummer “Monsters” ad was pretty cool. It showed a Japanese style monster facing off with a giant robot in a miniature city. They’re about to go to blows and they realize the love each other, settle down and have a kid. The kid is a Hummer and that made me take a step back, but the ad is well shot and well, I just love giant robots and monsters. Who doesn’t?

It seems like a lot of people loved the Bud Light “magic fridge” ad where a selfish bastard protects his Bud Light by installing a rotating wall that makes his fridge disappear. And every time he flips the switch, the guys on the other side rejoice and raid the fridge. There are a lot of flaws to this (like, after the first time the fridge came back empty, maybe you’d stop doing sending it there?) but the main one I can’t get out of my head is the fact that I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t drink Bud Light even if it magically appeared in my house. It’s impressive how Bud Light’s ad campaign can make even the worst beer look like the fanatical obsession of thirsty lunkheads everywhere.

The best ad had to be the Ameriquest commercial that takes place on a plane. I don’t know what Ameriquest is or does (something financial I’m guessing) but the ad was great. A woman on a nighttime flight tries to get out of her window seat by climbing over two sleeping men. There’s some turbulence and she ends up kind of falling into a straddling position facing the man. The fasten seat belt sign comes on as well as the lights and everybody sees this woman giving the guy a lap dance. It was a very well done piece of comic writing. Too bad I still don’t know what Ameriquest is.

So, as always the Super Bowl ads were shit. But that’s how it’s been for a long time. Not since the first and second Bud Bowl have I have been excited to watch the commercials and having them be the bad combination of Pepsi cluelessness and Bud Light ridiculousness isn’t helping matters. Oh and the NFL is fixed. I did watch the game, in between reporting on the ads for you dear reader. And that was no touch down. He was close, but still didn’t score. I wish I could say the same thing for Poof Daddly.