Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Savor the Flavor

I’m trying to type this with a bag of ice on my crotch because I pulled my groin playing hockey. I’ve gone awhile without getting injured so I’m pretty sure any old man jokes digs you have for me are moot. I am old, but I’m in ok shape even though I’m sore all the time; but I don’t admit that.

It’s funny though, there’s this old dude who plays in the same league and he looks a bit like a child molester. He’s an ok guy, he just looks creepy. He’s old or looks old. I’m 35, but this guy looks 48. The problem is whenever I play against his team or before his team, I happen to look over at the exact time he walks by naked to the shower. Every fucking time. I did it tonight and I told my buddy CP about it who thought it was hilarious. I’m pretty sure he was glad he didn’t see him naked because the image is ghastly. I’m beginning to feel he thinks I’m checking him out because I literally have seen him naked like 10 times in the last four months.

Typical locker room etiquette states that if you just happen to make eye contact with a naked man going to the shower, you look away casually like it’s no big deal. I’ve done that so many times with this guy he doesn’t buy it anymore. I don’t know why I just happen to be looking at the spot where he walks by, but it happens all the time.

The next time he’s around, I’m just looking straightforward until I know he’s done being naked. It’s a horrible sight and I would rather have two groin pulls than see him naked again.

But icing my crotch hasn’t stopped me from getting fired up about Flavor of Love. If you read my earlier post, I can’t get enough of Flavor of Love. It’s the best reality show on television. It has it all: Gold diggin’ bitches, hot naked skanks, and best of all, Flavor Flav. Flavor Flav should seriously be on a goddamn stamp.

The one crazy ass bitch “Hottie” got kicked off recently and was given the most unceremonious exit. Flav happened to catch her on old episode of “Blind Date” where she revealed her true self as the crazy, gold diggin’ bitch that she is. Seriously, this woman is nuts. When there was challenge to cook Flav fried chicken, she took a raw chicken, stuffed it with vegetables and put in the microwave for five minutes….and didn’t see anything wrong with that.

Flav figured she was trouble after seeing “Blind Date” and gave her the boot. The best part was, every time she was interviewed, she kept blinking her big, luscious lashed eyes. When she did, they put in a sound effect like a bike bell ringing. It was a masterstroke on the producers’ part and made her look even crazier; if that was possible. Cha-ching, cha-ching!

There was a great part where Flav told the girls they were going to meet some “old friends” of his. The girls went crazy saying, “we’re going to meet Public Enemy!” and put on their hoochiest of hoochie momma clothing. Well, Flav took them to some “old friends.” It was a retirement home and the girls had to put in false teeth and rub lotion on some very old and nasty feet. You won’t find comedy like that on Survivor, no fucking way.

So Flav’s got his hands full. He’s down to three girls: Pumpkin (bland, dumb white girl who looks like a poor, poor man’s Cameron Diaz), Hoopz (super hot, in shape, light skin black girl) and New York (the uber crazy, could be a man, too much make-up havin’ whatever she is).

I’m pretty sure Pumpkin blew Flav this week to keep herself around and the preview next week shows her and New York fighting; NY attacks pumpkin and pushes her past the camera crew. If there is a god, NY will end up on the Surreal Life and Corey Feldman will strangle her to death.

I mean, if you haven’t seen this, doesn’t it sound ridiculous? My description can’t do it the justice it deserves, so I would urge you to check it out, or fire up your TiVo so it’s waiting for you when you come home drunk some time next week.

The only thing that can make this better is if Chuck D shows up (doesn’t look like he’s going to, and Pumpkin wouldn’t know who he was anyway) and spat some lyrics of fury to see which woman could handle it. I think Pumpkin’s head was fall off, because she already admitted she doesn’t understand Flav’s “black slang.” Classic. I’m pulling for my girl Hoopz but I’m sure when Flavor Flav’s involved, anything can happen. Flavor Flav on the hype tip for sure.

JR

3 comments:

emily v said...

I'm sure I saw Pumpkin on an episode of MTV's 'Next' a few weeks ago. She looks 32, so she was totally out of place and got nexted with a quickness.

J Reidy said...

if you remember from the show, when brigitte neilsen was administering the lie detector tests (no, you did not read that wrong), Pumpkin admitted to not only being on a reality tv show, but "having sex" on a reality tv show.

i don't know what that means, but i sure would like to watch it.

JR

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