The Grammy's...or the Hammy's because it's all fat and salt

I don’t have to tell you that the Grammy’s stink like bunghole. Anyone with even a half way decent musical taste knows that the Grammy’s are just a music industry wank off that doesn’t truly reflect who put out the best music last year. It’s all about sales and what the dullards will sit and listen to dozens of times a day. Yeah, some will argue that if someone sells a lot of music, it means a lot of people listen to it. Sure. But have you ever seen what the people who buy Mariah Carey or new U2 albums look like? These people look characters from an old John Waters movie…scratch that; those people probably even have better music taste.

Music taste is all in the ear of the beholder I guess. Where one person is into the Decemberists, another is into Suckjan Stevens. Now I hate Suckjan, but if you’re into him, you’re probably smart enough to like some other good stuff. If you bought the latest Black Eyed Peas album, you’re probably wearing an adult diaper.

I took a look at the Grammy winners because I would rather have the rough end of a coax cable shoved up my pee hole than sit through that shit. Here’s what I came up with.

Record of the Year: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams," Green Day.
-It’s not that I don't mind this newer Green Day stuff; it’s just that it’s so weird to see these guys getting Grammy’s. A lot of teenagers bought this and while that’s fine, you probably want to be selling to teens when you’re closer to their own age.

Male R&B Vocal Performance: "Ordinary People," John Legend.
-I’ve heard the name, but have never heard the music. How is that? Wouldn’t R Kelly have been up for this award? That’s who would get my vote.

Pop Vocal Album: "Breakaway," Kelly Clarkson.
-Any time a TV created pop star starts winning awards, it's sad and alarming. Did the Monkees win any Grammy’s? They should have, they had some pretty good songs and with none of the pretension of being a star that stinks up Clarkson.

Rap/Sung Collaboration: "Numb/Encore," Jay-Z featuring Linkin Park.
-Jay Z’s cred took a serious hit when he hooked up with these whiny pussies. Linkin Park is one of the worst rap/nu metal/whine rock groups to ever spray their feces onto the radio. Did Jay Z not know these guys sucked so bad when he agreed to do it? Hell, why doesn’t he just record an album with Limp Bizkit next? It’s just as bad.

Song of the Year: "Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own," U2.
-Will someone please stop feeding U2’s ego? U2 hasn’t done anything worth a shit in years and years. Their Ipod commercial (which is the only reason anyone heard anything new by U2 in years) was pretty good, but of all the music that was released last year, U2 is the only group you can think of to give an award?

Female Pop Vocal Performance: "Since U Been Gone," Kelly Clarkson.
-Again, a media created singer who is only in there because they couldn’t think of anyone else to give it to.

Country Album: "Lonely Runs Both Ways," Alison Krauss and Union Station.
-Wait. A country award that doesn’t go to some jerk named Chesney or Toby? What the fuck?

Rap Album: "Late Registration," Kanye West.
-I don’t like him and I’m sure there’s better hi- hop that came out last year but he’s the only black guy the retards voting on the Grammy’s could think of doing that rap music. Notice it says “rap” and not hip-hop. Just shows you how out of touch they really are.

Rock Album: "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb," U2.
-Rock? Seriously? Again, they couldn’t think of anyone else. They might as well call this the “Default” award.

Rap Solo Performance: "Gold Digger," Kanye West.
-I’ll give this one to them. As far as a single goes, it was pretty good. But I can’t help but think he gets votes because he looks like the CEO of a company and not like he just got released from a maximum-security facility.

Rap Performance by a Duo or Group: "Don't Phunk With My Heart," The Black Eyed Peas.
-Oh man. These guys are such a joke. They already have turned themselves into cartoon versions of themselves with their Best Buy ads and they can only sink further and further into ridiculousness from here. Their music is for brain dead morons who can still tap their toe and they need clever song titles just to detract from their bland hip-hop. Remember the crazy looking dudes from Hammer’s posse back in the 80’s? The Black Eyed Peas will look just as stupid 10 years from now.

Rap Song: "Diamonds From Sierra Leone," D. Harris and Kanye West.
-This is the best “rap” song? Surely there has been a better song than this. Kanye’s “Gold Digger was better than this shit. Again, they couldn’t find another black guy, so they had to go with this. Even that Laffy Taffy song is better than this.

Solo Rock Vocal Performance: "Devils & Dust," Bruce Springsteen.
-Eh, I like Bruce so much better now than I did in the 80’s that I don’t mind him getting an award. But like the Academy Awards, why not reward him for his good work and not a token award later on?

Rock Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocal: "Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own," U2.
-Please. I’m sick of writing about how lame this is.

Hard Rock Performance: "B.Y.O.B.," System of a Down.
-What’s the difference between Rock and Hard Rock. And why wasn’t TurboNegro nominated? System of a Down is just too “jokey” for me. Too goofy. There are tons of bad ass hard rock bands playing right now and System isn’t one of them.

Metal Performance: "Before I Forget," Slipknot.
-The only Metal band other than Metallica and Jethro Tull that the Grammy committee has heard of apparently. And the first two didn’t put out albums last year, so Slipknot gets the nod. How utterly shameful when High On Fire released Blessed Black Wings this past year. That album would tear the monster masks off all the members of Slipknot and melt Courtney Love’s plastic surgery into a pool at her feet. Now that’s metal.

Rock Song: "City of Blinding Lights, U2, (U2).
-Are they just handing out awards to be handing out awards? Did they just go through the track list on U2’s album and say, “yeah, that one sounds good.” What a crock of shit.

Alternative Music Album: "Get Behind Me Satan," The White Stripes.
-Oh yeah, here we go. Now it’s time for the “alternative” awards. Never heard of anyone else obviously. I like the White Stripes but did they really deserve this award for that album, or did the Grammy committee just ask some intern what alternative bands there were? When he listed the White Stripes as one of them, someone probably spoke up and said,“yeah, that one I’ve heard of!” If they’ve heard of a group in this category, it’s in because they couldn’t be bothered to go out and listen to anything else. Spoon put out a better “alternative” album as did Beck and Clap Your Hands, and the Shout Out Louds….the list goes on. But no one on the committee had heard of those guys right?

Female R&B Vocal Performance: "We Belong Together," Mariah Carey.
-She was supposed to sweep the Grammy’s but she came up short. By all rights she released a comeback album of sorts that if you’re into her, was supposed to be good, yet she gets killed by U2 who continue to mail it in. Do you think her famous melt down and foray into the movie business is all the Grammy people could remember? They do live in the past, so it’s very possible.

R&B Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocals: "So Amazing," Beyonce and Stevie Wonder.
-Does anyone know what this is?

Traditional R&B Vocal Performance: "A House Is Not a Home," Aretha Franklin.
-Shameful, token award for a legitimate legend. I hope she took the award and threw it into the crowd screaming “fuck you!”

Urban/Alternative Performance: "Welcome to Jamrock," Damian Marley.
-Of all the albums listed here, this was by far the best thing to come out. This album should have won album of the year because it’s seriously that good. But no. It’s relegated to Urban/Alternative (whatever the fuck that is) because it’s in a genre that doesn’t sell well in the U.S. The fact that it made it at all is surprising but it was such a good album, it probably couldn’t have been denied. But again, a truly great album gets the shaft and U2 is smirking all the way to the bank. Unfair, unbalanced and unethical. The Grammy’s, just like life.

JR