Super Bowl Commercial Suckfest

Every year it’s the same. The Super Bowl sucks and the commercials are even suckier. I can remember a time around the early 90’s when the Super Bowl commercials ceased to be exciting. Maybe I just grew up or just started despise bullshit, hackneyed ads, but I do remember a time when they were good. I think it was before I had pubic hair.

The Super Bowl was a time for advertisers to unfurl their meaty staffs and whip out their big guns and shoot a wad of consumerism down our throats. This was their time to take the new year by storm and burn an image of their product in our brains for months to come. Now it’s just Jessica Simpson shaking her ass for pizza.

And it’s not like Simpson’s pizza ads are sexy at all. I mean they want to sell pizza via her tight, pert breasts, but they can’t go fully porno because people will bum out. And it’s too bad because for the right money, Joe Simpson would force her daughter into just about any situation for the cash.

The Pizza Hut ads are just lame. I guess the ad itself is pretty bland, but what’s worse is how this so-called recording and movie star is relegated to just making TV commercials. I’m sure she got paid well, but it really is a sign of defeat when you go out like that; hawking pizza and shaking the only thing people will pay to see: that sweet ass. She’ll be in Playboy in five years: her father lurking in the shadows, masturbating while counting his money.

And how monstrous has Pizza Hut pizza become? The Cheesy Bites Poppable Crust thing looks like a failed human-animal hybrid experiment Bush was talking about. I’m fully expecting cow DNA to be baked into the pie that will make delicious cheese sauce until you consume its Frankenstein-like flesh. Jesus.

Diet Pepsi always gets my vote for worst ads and they don’t disappoint when something like the SB rolls around. Diet Pepsi, the very fragile structure still propping up P Duddly’s career, has a new slogan: “Brown and Bubbly.” P Duddly is in one of the ads where he wants to record a song with the can of Diet Pepsi. Jay Mohr, slumming it as usual, is an agent brokering the deal between the can and Diddly. Yeah, it’s just as mind numbing and ridiculous as it sounds.

The commercial is all hip-hopped out and the only white people you see are squares and blood sucking agents. The rest are fun loving black people, partying with Diet Pepsi. I guess that’s where “Brown and Bubbly” comes into play. Hey, while you’re just blatantly sucking up to whomever you think drinks that shit, you might as well target black people too. After all, Pepsi hasn’t seemed to give a poop (that’s brown and not so bubbly) about black America in the past and never really had black guys in their ads until Puff Dangly….Michael Jackson doesn’t count.

Anyway, it just shows what depths someone like P Duddly would go to make a buck. His music career is already in the toilet so he basically makes a statement with this ad that says “yeah, I will record a song with a soda can!” That says so much. What’s even better is he’s so full of shit, he doesn’t even realize that by doing a commercial like this and associating with the likes of an aluminum can, Carson Daly and other inanimate objects, he’s letting everyone know that he’s got nothing left in the tank. Good riddance you fucking dickhead.

There was a Sprint ad where a guy just hits another guy with his phone. Not funny, violent and obvious. I’m sure it made a “best of list” somewhere.

I actually liked a Hummer ad believe it or not. Most Hummer ads just blow. They are the pinnacle of asshole advertising; catering to consumers’ insecurities about not driving the biggest gas hog on the road and not being as cool as their stupid, jerk ass neighbors. The “Happy Jack” ad springs to mind as an example of Hummer’s belief that you should “just cheat and tell everyone else to fuck off” on the road of life.

But the Hummer “Monsters” ad was pretty cool. It showed a Japanese style monster facing off with a giant robot in a miniature city. They’re about to go to blows and they realize the love each other, settle down and have a kid. The kid is a Hummer and that made me take a step back, but the ad is well shot and well, I just love giant robots and monsters. Who doesn’t?

It seems like a lot of people loved the Bud Light “magic fridge” ad where a selfish bastard protects his Bud Light by installing a rotating wall that makes his fridge disappear. And every time he flips the switch, the guys on the other side rejoice and raid the fridge. There are a lot of flaws to this (like, after the first time the fridge came back empty, maybe you’d stop doing sending it there?) but the main one I can’t get out of my head is the fact that I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t drink Bud Light even if it magically appeared in my house. It’s impressive how Bud Light’s ad campaign can make even the worst beer look like the fanatical obsession of thirsty lunkheads everywhere.

The best ad had to be the Ameriquest commercial that takes place on a plane. I don’t know what Ameriquest is or does (something financial I’m guessing) but the ad was great. A woman on a nighttime flight tries to get out of her window seat by climbing over two sleeping men. There’s some turbulence and she ends up kind of falling into a straddling position facing the man. The fasten seat belt sign comes on as well as the lights and everybody sees this woman giving the guy a lap dance. It was a very well done piece of comic writing. Too bad I still don’t know what Ameriquest is.

So, as always the Super Bowl ads were shit. But that’s how it’s been for a long time. Not since the first and second Bud Bowl have I have been excited to watch the commercials and having them be the bad combination of Pepsi cluelessness and Bud Light ridiculousness isn’t helping matters. Oh and the NFL is fixed. I did watch the game, in between reporting on the ads for you dear reader. And that was no touch down. He was close, but still didn’t score. I wish I could say the same thing for Poof Daddly.

JR