Monday, March 19, 2007

Weekly Wrap Up

All of Iran is furious over the movie 300. The film, which depicts a small Spartan army kicking the ass of the massive Persian army, has gotten the Iranians all mad because it depicts the Persians as blood thirsty barbarians. They are claiming the movie is just another attempt by America to make Iran look bad.

Here’s a news flash for you Iran: 98% of the drooling retards who went and soaked up the homoerotic bloodbath that is 300, have no idea that Persia is now Iran. To the average movie goer (a slack mouthed gaper), Persia is the setting of a video games and cartoons they spend hours watching while eating their weight in Combos.

So quit crying Iran. If you just stuck with your already narrow (and somewhat true) view of Americans, you wouldn’t have your feelings hurt by a bunch of douches who couldn’t find Chicago on a map, let alone Iran.

Reign over Me starring Adam Sandler in bad Bob Dylan wig, desperately trying to be taken seriously is currently on the top of my list of lame ass shit.

Sandler plays some schlub whose family died in 9/11 (ooh! I feel the tears being jerked right out of me!) and how he gets his life back by re-connecting with an old friend.

If Sandler plays anything but a half retarded moron, he’s a complete joke, ironically enough. I understand why as an actor he wants to branch out, but after several blind stabs at “serious” acting (the horrible “Punch Drunk Love” and the ball smashingly bad “Spanglish”), he’s come up with nothing more than hot diarrhea in a dirty sock.

It’s not working Adam. Go count your money and crank out your bread and butter, numbskull comedy every once in awhile and everything will be fine. Beating me over the head with 9/11 and some formulaic crap about finding redemption in an unfair world only makes me wish your “serious acting” died in 9/11 as well. Jim Carrey called and he wants you to know he’s got the market cornered on crappy, serious movies that no one wants to see him in.

I don’t like college basketball. I don’t like college sports at all, and most circles, that’s tantamount to saying I’d blow Osama Bin Laden for all that he’s done for America. So, you can imagine that this time of year you can’t fart without poop misting some nerd talking about the NCAA basketball tournament. It truly is a real pain in my balls.

I’m sure there are some good games, but college sports suck because I can’t really get excited about a team I have no connection to. If you went to Georgetown or grew up in the town of one of these colleges, I can’t bag on you for being a fan. But listening to grown men lament over their “bracket” is getting so old, I’d almost rather watch a “serious” Adam Sandler movie…followed up by a serious Jim Carrey movie. I guess “serious” just means he doesn’t mug for the camera and smiles only when the plot demands it. Great stuff guys.

College sports are just young kids playing at a sub-pro level. You might as well go lurk around the local high school gym and watch some games you fucking perverts. I don’t watch college sports because I want to watch the best players doing battle. And this has nothing to do with the fact that the typical sports fan, who is a meathead extraordinaire, uses this time of year to be a pain in the ass to everyone within earshot. Nothing at all. And speaking of those kinds of assholes….

Watched “Borat” last night. It was pretty funny and I definitely laughed very hard at several parts, but overall it was ok. Kind of like it was on “Da Ali G Show.” I felt sorry for some of the people he duped but really most of them got what was coming to them. The old man at the rodeo who was talking about rounding up homosexuals just came off as a crotchety old man. He isn’t going to change, it’s too late for him. But I was really disturbed by the drunk frat boys Borat rides with in the RV.

Those guys are fucking scumbags. Their views on minorities and women were hideous and because they were so young I can’t cut them any slack. They’re just terrible human beings who are already set in their ways about the world. This part made me really uncomfortable because these creeps just seemed dangerous. These are the white people that make brown people (and most white people) scared for their lives. The funny thing is these guys were trying to sue the filmmakers because they said they were misrepresented and were coerced into saying some of the things they said. Trust me, I’ve seen this kind of asshole before, and they would have started saying that shit regardless if there was alcohol and a camera present or not. These fuckers, more than anyone else in the film, made Americans look the worst.

And what college aged kid wouldn’t know who Borat is already? Don’t ask questions; just kill these people if you ever happen upon them.

It’s funny, I was listening to Dan Patrick on ESPN the other day and started his show by playing some of the new Arcade Fire album and saying, “this is the new Arcade Fire…trust me, it’s great, go get it now.” Now I love Dan Patrick, I think he’s awesome, but he’s like 50 years old and from what he’s told his listeners, is fairly new to this “alternative rock” thing. It’s just funny when something like the Arcade Fire can bridge the gap from haircut hipsters to “bracket” trolling lunkheads. There’s hope for world yet I guess.

Listening To: Arcade Fire, Art Brut, Emily Haines, Yellowman

Watching: Fast Food Nation, Frisky Dingo, The Avalanche (I Believe!), Lost (I Believe!)

Monday, March 12, 2007

War Time Smile: Weekly Wrap Up

Wild Hogs is still kicking ass at the box office, proving once again that every crude, predictable stereotype of Americans is absolutely, 100% true.

But really how genius is that movie? A bunch of middle aged white guys (and their one black friend) buy Harleys to exorcise they’re mid-life demons. It has a ready made audience. It’s called the “Jeff Foxworthy Effect.” Brainless white dudes will get out and support anything remotely related to them because it makes them feel like they still have a say in today’s pop culture. And despite having Martin Lawrence in the movie, the lack of black people in the theater will draw them to the movie because of the safe and quiet experience that awaits them.

If there isn’t a theater out in the cracker box suburbs filling up right now with 40 year olds wearing goatees and some sort of NASCAR hat, I will eat my own balls.

Newt Gingrich announced this past week that he was having an affair the whole time he put the screws to Bill Clinton for having his affair(s). What a fucking surprise this is.

CNN claimed that Gingrich had a “surprising” announcement concerning his time as grand inquisitor of Bill Clinton’s penis. If you were “surprised” by this news, then I’m sure you were at Wild Hogs this weekend with one hand in a tub of popcorn and one hand probing your own ass.

Gingrich and everyone else who was having an affair while sticking it to Clinton, should be sentenced to Hillary Clinton’s campaign as official sex slave/douche re-filler. What kind of sick mind can sleep at night while doing this? Well, I guess if Newt didn’t go after Clinton it would have been more suspicious right? The bigger question here is “WHO IN THE HELL WAS FUCKING NEWT GINGRICH?

Jake Plummer finally fucking retired from football this past week. After sticking it to the Broncos one last time, and ultimately sticking it to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Plummer called it a career.

Plummer was called a “rebel soul” by his mother and equated him to Pat Tillman, Plummer’s old teammate who dropped out of the NFL to become an Army Ranger and fight in Afghanistan where he was killed in action. Well, I wouldn’t necessarily call him a “rebel soul.” Maybe “shitty quarterback” is more like it.

I don’t have a problem with what Plummer did; in fact if more people did what was best for themselves and not for their ego/bank account, we’d have more happy people on the planet. What I have a problem with is Plummer’s attitude at the very end. In his press conference formally announcing his retirement, Plummer wore a shirt that said “Freedom.” This hints at the fact that Plummer felt like a slave to the NFL. What it also says is that he was extremely dissatisfied with playing football and getting paid millions to do so. That’s cool I guess, but it probably means he was giving less than 100% during his time with the Broncos. I don’t care what he said about “loving the game” and being a “competitor.” If you’re wearing a shirt that says “Freedom” as you unceremoniously retire, you weren’t happy.

Thanks for the interceptions Jake. I know in your new career as a handball champion (Plummer and his brother just placed second in a handball tournament here in Denver) involves you slapping a ball haphazardly at a wall…pretty much what you did last season for Denver…except the wall was the opposing team’s defensive backs and the slapping was your noodle armed attempts to throw downfield. Thanks for the memories!

Listening to: Bright Black Morning Light, The Good The Bad The Queen, Lamb of God, Hot IQs.

Watching: For Your Consideration, Marie Antoinette, The Sarah Silverman Program


Wednesday, March 07, 2007

This Whole Anne Coulter Thing is Totally Gay

An astute reader reminded me of my duty to keep this theme going.

I really hate even having to write about Anne Coulter. Her sunken, crazy looking eyes floating ominously behind a sheet a skin pulled too tight over her skeletal face….I can’t stand to look at her let alone listen to her.

Every time she opens her mouth and dribbles out some calculated and “controversial” stab at someone who doesn’t agree with her and her master race leanings, the media scrambles to give her as much face time as she needs. Coulter just sits back and tries to figure out how she can sell more books.

This time, the white witch called John Edwards a “faggot” (in a round-a-bout way) while making a clever reference to Isaiah Washington (please see: “This Whole Isaiah Washington Thing is Totally Gay” for more information). She said this to a group of conservative fuck wads who all laughed heartily.

If this is her sense of humor coming out (great sense of humor baby), that’s fine. But this still offends people. I don’t give two fucks about John Edwards but it belittles him by calling him a “faggot.” And it belittles gay people for associating them with John Edwards. More so, it comes from a person who hates gay people and wants them all dead (or second class citizens at least). If I were gay, I’d have a hard time with this bony freak saying such things. It would be like listening to Ron Artest tell the League of Women Voters how bitches sometimes need a good slap; it won’t go over well.

Coulter’s main objective is to sell books and further her fascist ideas. That’s it. I’m sure getting laid out of this isn’t an issue because her vagina dried up for good years ago, so making money and pushing an obviously diabolical agenda is her main goal. I have no problem with a difference in opinion, but when one as reckless and obviously disturbed as Coulter’s is farted out, I get a little queasy.

Take a look at Coulter’s eyes the next time she’s forced into your life. She’s got the dead eyed look of someone who’s not in control anymore. There’s a wild insanity hiding behind those eyes that you can almost see clawing its way out. She says things and you think to yourself “yeah, I see where someone might consider that to be funny,” but when she says it, it comes across as cold and robotic. When she does hit rock bottom and has to make some sort of concession to keep her ass out of the loony bin, I’m betting good money that we’ll hear how she was molested by someone wearing a Richard Nixon mask. Bet on it.

But of course by writing about her, I’ve just crammed more “attention cock” down her throat. She craves the “attention cock” and will take it from anyone. She’ll say anything to get it. All the while pleasing her white, male Over Lords and looking to them for a nod of approval. If she wasn’t so transparent and obvious in what she’s doing, I’d be terrified of her.

But she isn’t going to be let off the hook for this one. If an actor and a basketball player are going to be put through the ringer for it, Coulter should too. The thing about the actor and the basketball player is they could probably see how what they said is negative. They might never be totally comfortable with gay people but at least they’ll understand why people were upset about it and do something to save their careers. Coulter will be unapologetic until the end. She might go out and sport kill a couple of gay guys just to celebrate. And that’s why she needs to be punished for it.

Eventually she will be reduced to skeleton in a blonde wig screaming about liberals and 911 widows to a brick wall. That’s going to be hilarious. But until that time, she’s going to lay low for awhile plotting her comeback. She’s like the transvestite version of Jason from Friday the 13th, always lurking. And when she does come back, she’s going to need all the “attention cock” you can cram down her throat. Do you have a few inches to spare for America?


Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Selling Out: Fall Out Boy...a one man band?

We won’t get in to any kind of debate whether Fall Out Boy sucks or not. They do suck, so there’s no reason to evaluate their music or their apparent lack of worth to the world of music.

If you didn’t know any better, you’d think that lame dude with the hair in his eyes and the tight pants was the singer because he’s always front and center whenever a photo is snapped. But he’s not. I think he’s the bass player and yet there he is; always pushed to the front because he’s the most popular and the other members of the band are slightly more homely.

That irks me about Fall Out Boy, but that’s not why I’m writing this. The problem I have with these dubiously talented clowns is the obvious double standard that they put forth in their public personas. They act like grown ups and want you to treat them thusly, yet they make music for kids. They’re the Raffi of the emo set.

Now it’s fine if you make music for kids. The Wiggles do it. But you’ll never see the Wiggles pretending to be tough guys; putting themselves out there as serious musicians whose music transcends age. No. The Wiggles make music for kids and they know this. They know you know this.

But Fall Out Boy pretends to be big boys. They want to be taken seriously with their music and will do everything in their power to keep that illusion going. The douche bass player gives 90 interviews a day talking about how crazy he is and “adult.” You’d never see Murray from the Wiggles doing that.

There’s a great line from a Jawbreaker song that goes like this: “Everyone tells me they're crazy / Well crazy people aren't so fucking boring.” That sums these assholes up pretty well. If only they were 1/8 as good as Jawbreaker.

Anyway, the fact that Fall Out Boy is a kid’s band and they don’t admit it does piss me off, but that’s at the heart of why I hate them so much. My main gripe is how a band like this adopts a punk persona, is nothing more than a teeny bopper act and will sell themselves to the highest bidder. Tattoos cover up more than skin with these cunts.

Sure, sure, it’s all about money these days. Yeah, that’s fine. Iggy has his song on a commercial for cruise ships; The Clash had their stuff in car commercials. I had trouble with things like that for awhile, but then I realized in The Clash’s case, Joe Strummer had a family and I’m sure they wanted their future to be secure. Iggy probably never got paid anything in his early days and needed a little bread to get by. Whether he was buying a summer home or putting food on the table, these guys paid their dues; I can’t totally dismiss them for doing it now.

But what gets my balls in a bind is when young artists will sell themselves as quickly as a Colfax Ho who sees the crack man leaving for the night. They can’t wait to sell out. They sign on the dotted line and they gleefully give their songs away like they’re handing their kid over to the local child molester. They got their money, they’ll just make more crappy songs.

I saw a cell phone commercial for the V Cast phone the other night. The commercial shows a near retarded meat head, working out in a gym, listening to Fall Out Boy on his phone. This guy is Fall Out Boy’s worst nightmare but yet probably their best customer. He’s all sweaty from pumping iron, he’s buff and probably can’t decide whether ripping a homo’s arm off or date raping some dumbass that went out with him would make a better Friday night. This guy would beat Fall Out Boy senseless if they walked into his sports bar after only four Coors Lights.

And yet Fall Out Boy is totally fine with having their product (music) associated with this animal. Now obviously bands can’t dictate who can and cannot listen to their music. Lord knows I’ve been to enough shows to see that there are some people who will gravitate toward a band that are not only out of tune with the band’s politics but completely out of line with society’s rules in general. You can’t choose your family or the people who listen to your music apparently.

But you can have a say in how your music is represented. If not, then don’t sign the contract. It’s as easy as that. I read an interview with Fall Out Boy’s douche bass player and he made negative comments about frat boys and jocks and whatnot. They put the image out there they don’t like these people yet they sold their name, image and music to a commercial featuring one of those people. I think this classifies as a classic “sell out.”

“Selling Out” got a bad name in the 90’s when all the alterna-bands went for the cash grab and signed major label deals leaving all the hipsters to snidely cry “sell out” on anyone who wanted a better life for themselves and their family. The cry of “sell out” was so loud and constant that eventually it was tuned out. “Selling out” then went on unimpeded and anyone crying “sell out” was poo-pooed like a liberal calling in to Rush Limbaugh. It became ok to “sell out” because it was uncool to call anyone on it.

Fall Out Boy sold out here big time. They not only sold their song to a completely horrific product but they’ve done damage to their image as well. Some may argue that this is their fan base (meat heads and teenagers), and now they are just coming out of the closet as it were. I will argue that they’ve revealed themselves to not give two shits about the music they’re creating and sell it and themselves to the highest bidder. Remember, you can sell out and still keep it classy. If there’s a product you like or a way you want to be represented, if you’re popular enough (like Fall Out Boy is right now), someone will accommodate you. But that was very far from their minds when they agreed to whore themselves to a cell phone company. That Ho on Colfax thinks this undignified.

Yeah, these creeps will still be able to make music and live comfortably which I’m sure is any musician’s dream, but when their teenage fans grow up and their meathead admirers die from hopefully some horrible death, no one is going to want to listen to their ear poop anymore. Sure they’ll be rich but by catering to kids and Neanderthals now, they won’t have anything left in the tank when the solo album from the shitty bass player comes out. Oh and you know that’s coming soon.

I used to have a lot of anger toward bands like this (I guess I still do). They are essentially boy bands with tattoos that mimic an aggressive style of music while putting their own kid friendly spin on it. I wish them all the success in the world because it must be thrilling to do something you love and get paid loads of money to do it. But if we don’t call a duck a duck here, we’re doomed to be bombarded with shitty groups like this until the end of time. Oh who am I kidding? This will never go away, but with your help maybe we can have the Fall Out Boys and the Good Charlottes moved to kids section in your local record store. Right next to Barney and straight up their own asses.