Saturday, August 19, 2006

Hummer Bummer

The newest hummer ads are shocking to me. Shocking in that they’ve finally just said, “fuck it. We know people who buy these are assholes, so why not just come out and say it.”

The ads are blatant stabs at getting to the mindless consumer; one who is so consumed with keeping up with the Jones’, that he or she will do anything and buy anything to feel better about their lonely, pathetic lives.

The first one I saw featured a woman at the playground with her kid. Another kid cuts in front of her child and the mother timidly says, “but Jimmy was next..” To which the mother of the rude child says, “too bad, now we are.” Or something to that effect.

The offended mom gets frustrated, grabs her kid out of the playground and heads immediately to a Hummer dealership to get even. She buys a huge, gas guzzling Hummer and feels great about herself as she drives away. The tagline “Get Your Girl On” is seen as this weak, boring woman has just purchased away any feelings of inadequacy she might have had on the playground. I mean after all, it’s easier just to buy something that can help you threaten people behind two tons of steel than actually standing up for yourself right? Right.

The second ad shows a guy, possibly a vegetarian, in the check out line at the grocery store. He’s buying tofu and veggies but the guy behind him is buying what looks like the rack of ribs that knocked over Fred Flintstone’s car at the end of every episode of the Flintstones. The veggie guy is embarrassed and darts out of the store to the Hummer dealership. After buying, he gets in his shitty ride and with the tagline of “Restore the Balance,” he bites into a carrot. Why a vegetarian would suddenly be moved by a huge animal carcass to race out and start paying $60 to fill his tank, I’ll never know.

The commercials are pretty straightforward. A person is not happy with their life and how things are going in it, so they buy something they don’t need and all is better. If you get pushed around by people, don’t assert yourself, go buy an SUV and assert yourself anonymously inside your vehicle. There’s nothing braver than an asshole that imposes their will on other drivers just by the sheer volume of the truck they’re driving.

I think this is brilliant advertising because it flies in the face of what people typically think about SUV’s. Sure, tons of people still drive them, and I’m know deep down they love them, but in public, everyone silently or not-so-silently agrees they are monstrosities. In my world, to drive a Hummer means you suck. You’re a weak minded fool who needs this hunk of junk to feel better about yourself. You suck and the only way you can feel better about yourself is buying one. This is awful behavior and apparently Hummer agrees…merrily.

Hummer has said, “screw it” and is giving people what they want. Instead of making up reasons to justify why they bought the car, the ad has gone straight for the heart and has portrayed its costumers as they are. You and your hybrid loving friends aren’t going to buy one, so why waste money trying to convince you? This goes right to the people it needs to: spineless assholes. Are you a hopeless head case who will buy anything to justify your existence? Boy, do we have the car for you.

This commercial makes me angry because I know it works. The fact that it makes me angry is proof that it works. It works on zombie Americans who will buy the vehicle and it works on people like me that find this behavior outrageous and hazardous. There will more in this series, just you wait. And when they get the one on the air that shows someone buying a Hummer so they can road rage more effectively, I will bow down and give the respect these blood suckers are due. It’s brilliant and really fucking sad all at once.

JR

14 comments:

DK said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed that vapid commercial. I nearly spit pork fried rice all over my coffee table when I saw the version with the mom at the playground, thinking "are they serious?"

What they really need to do now is have a Hummer commercial where some guy goes and buys a Hummer because he's got a short penis. That would pretty much sum it all up.

J Reidy said...

yeah seriously. good call. that's what it will come to.

a guy will be in the shower at the gym. he'll look over at some guy's dick, look down at his and then go buy a hummer to feel better about his tiny cock.

seriously, it's coming. and what's even more ridiculous is people are still buying these suv's even when the ads are making them out to be the shallow bastards they are. god bless america.
JR

Anonymous said...

My Penis orbits your anus

p said...

That penis and anus comment is really...like, imminent. Fuck does that mean, even?? Uranus?

Serously, the Hummer is really finished and everyone in the industry knows it. We're in Denver, so we see a bunch of them farting around, but two years from now not one dealership will carry them. (Notice how they've gotten smaller every year?) This is a last ditch effort to get whatever cash they can to finance the packing of a few golden parachutes for some assholes on the 40th floor.

DK said...

The original Hummer (you know, the ones that are pretty much the same design as the ones that get blown up in Baghdad) was a solid, if excessive, piece of machinery. It still reeked of inadequacy, but it was still formidable.

But then we get into H2's and H3's which are far inferior to the original Humvee. Those are just big luxury SUVs. They get shredded in a mere car accident. Just imagine if they hit an IED...

The writing is on the wall. Gas prices aren't going back down. If they do, they'll just let another pipeline corrode to make the price jump up again. This ad pretty much just confirms what any rational person has known for over a year: only assholes and rappers buy Hummers. Especially asshole rappers.

Fred K. Tapeball III said...

Into the future:

Due to the nature of my real job, I have seen the potential replacement designs for the military Hummer that will withstand IEDs, small arms and other asymmetric warfare tactics. The Hummer was designed to replace the Jeep, which was a behind the front line transport vehicle, and not an urban assault one. The new urban assault vehicle is big and formiddable, like a dumptruck with a machine gun nest placed high above the road. If you think it's bad now, wait until that day when Ah-nold buys one and it becomes the new must-have symbol of unneccessary indulgence.

Beccamonkey said...

So you'll read my blog again will you? The real question is, will you link to it? Am I cool enough to link to?
Becca

Limo said...

Did you consider for the moment why all people buy the Hu0mmers? Maybe it is not too bad as you speak.Maybe you just envy who has Hummer.

Zhanna said...

Hey J Reidy,
You have a very interesting point of view about the huge Hummer cars. You are the first person from whom I hear such opinion.
I halfway agree with you. People really after buying a huge car fees great about themselves as they drives away.
I think it is not necessary to buy huge cars, such a Hummer, especially Hummer
limo
. We can hire them at any point in any limo hire companies, but to buy them, no, it is not profitable.

Brian said...

HUMVEE or HUMMER?… The basic vehicle produced for military use is called a High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle (or HMMWV), which the military eventually called a HUMVEE for short. When AM General introduced a civilian version of the HMMWV, it was officially called a HUMMER.
I like all Hummer models, from H1 to huge luxury Hummer limo; approximately 1000 civilian versions the original Humvee are built each year at the South Bend, IN facility.

Anonymous said...

I do realize your post is years old now, but I just couldn't help adding my comment. My wife and I have his & hers Hummers. We also own other vehicles, but our primary driven automobiles are the Hummers. Do you really think people that purchase Hummers are concerned about the cost of gasoline (or the price or anything, really)? You just don't get it. You're a fish trying to contemplate fire here. I'll spell it out for you: I don't care what you do or buy. I don't care who you vote for or what you eat. You are free to live exactly how you please, as am I. Liberals are mostly TALK (blog) and very little DO. There is a reason more liberals don't show up to vote when it rains. Call me whatever you want. Label me how you choose. I'm at the top of the economic food chain and I'm quite comfortable and fit there. I'm not likely (nor my grandchildren's grandchildren) to be fiscally challenged. I escaped to this country with nothing at age 8 from a Communist country. I attended the same public schools you did. I spent my free time working harder than you, studying more than you, living very modestly, and achieving financial success faster than you. I earned this. And now... I am contributing considerably more than you (yes, I am quite sure of your station in life compared to mine). I donate to multiple charitable foundations, build infrastructure where your generation gave up, and give back tenfold of the average American Citizen. And with my wealth, I support political aims that in-turn benefit people much like me (read: Not anything like you). And, oh, by the way, I drive a Hummer. Thanks for noticing. Work harder and stop whining.

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Anonymous said...

Il semble que vous soyez un expert dans ce domaine, vos remarques sont tres interessantes, merci.

- Daniel