Hey Carlos, maybe it's just that you are terrible.

Wasting breath or infinite internet space on Carlos Mencia is really a shame. But that talentless hack has moved me to write something.

Mencia is the shitty comedian who hosts his show Mind of Mencia on Comedy Central. If you’ve ever seen it, you’re dumber for the experience. It’s a sloppy, half-assed and very racist rip-off of Dave Chapelle’s show. It seems that once Chapelle left the Comedy Central family, they were very desperate to fill that slot with something, anything, and Mencia took a dump in the right place at the right time.

This show is awful. Take away everything about how racist and “controversial” it is and it just flat out sucks. Mencia is the lowest grade comedian, it’s shocking that this is on the air. But apparently there are some really stupid people out there who eat this shit up. Go figure. I’ll guarantee the bulk of the audience for Mind of Mencia is white. And thus the trend of catering to a white audience while insulting them is played out further.

Watch just two minutes of it and you will understand. There are cheesy improv groups in the bowels of our country turning out better comedy than this man who has his own show on a popular cable network. It must get pretty good ratings because no exec at Comedy Central would have let this go on if it wasn’t making money.

With that said, let’s get to the racism. Mencia ended a recent show by saying “if you don’t think this is funny, then you are an uptight white guy.” Wow. Well, I am white. I’m not uptight. So where does that leave us? How about that it’s just not funny? Chapelle, who I consider a brilliant comedian, did a lot of racial humor and it worked well. He not only skewered white and black people, but Asian and Hispanics as well. Mencia might appear to lambaste his fellow Hispanic, but his bread and butter is sticking it to whitey.

It’s so easy and obvious to chalk up not liking something to being a certain color. How about if I said, “hey! Use these condoms. If you don’t want to, you’re an uptight Mexican!” Or “hey! Here are some smart economic decisions. If you don’t want to employ them then you’re an uptight black guy!” That’s pretty bad right? Well it’s really no worse than what Mencia shits out on a weekly basis on Comedy Central. But it’s ok to be racist to white people right?

No. Racism sucks no matter who it’s aimed at. It’s even worse when it’s used as a fall back when someone’s comedy is sadly sub-par.

Mencia’s life is unfortunately more funny than his show. He pretends to be Mexican but he’s really like half Honduran and half German. Not a lot of racist comedy gold to be mined when you’re actually half “white” yourself. He’s a joke stealer (famously documented by Joe Rogan in those YouTube clips), and did several painful Bud Lite ads focusing on his unique (read: bad) take on racial humor. I can’t express to you how terrible he is. Since I’m posing as writer, I should at least try: there is a dude with greasy hair and no teeth bagging groceries and busting better jokes down at the local supermarket than Carlos Mencia is right now.

Racial humor can be very funny. When it’s done right, it exposes the differences between us in a comedic way instead of the usual hateful way a lame racist joke is told by a creep at your local bar. I’ll bet that Carlos Mencia isn’t even a racist; he’s just using anti-white sentiments because he has nothing else. He’s the worst kind of comedian who’s running on fumes and the only thing he can do is crap out a weak “white guy” joke. And if that’s the best thing you can dig out of your comedic bag, you really and truly suck.

And if you don’t like what I’ve written then you’re an uptight (insert race and gender here).

JR

Speaking of Bush...

Speaking of Bush, I was just watching his live news conference where he answered questions ranging from oil prices to Iraq. Maybe they’re related?

While watching him, I was struck by how bizarre he acts. I haven’t seen him in awhile. In reality, no one has seen him in awhile. He’s been laying low as his popularity does the same thing. It won’t help the Republicans in November if that doof is seen (and heard) showcasing his marvelous talent for ruining a major world power.

But he is a weirdo. He would make a very eccentric CEO of a company at best. I think when he was Governor of Texas, people liked him because he was quirky, seemingly friendly and down to earth. Now, on the greatest stage a public figure can reach, he just seems twitchy, uncomfortable and confused. You know the SNL Jeopardy sketch where Norm MacDonald plays Burt Reynolds? Shades of that but with more ape-like innocence.

It’s like a great college football player reaching the pros only to be exposed on the grand stage. Being President, I would imagine, takes a lot of concentration and measured action. Bush has neither of these and no amount of genius “helpers” can hide it. He manages to get by, but he flails while doing it; almost like at any moment he’s going to scream and slap at his face (Three Stooges Style) and run off stage, getting tangled in the curtain and lying there like a scared animal caught in a trap.

And that’s who we put into to the most important job in the world. I say WE because he’s all of OUR problem now. I may not have voted for him (twice) but now I have to deal with him. As an American I can’t wear a shirt proclaiming I didn’t vote for him (well, I guess I could) but since I’ve been funding his war through my tax dollars, he’s my mistake too.

Republicans won’t ever take responsibility for their mistakes. That is such a dangerous way to live and we’re seeing the results of that arrogance right now. Democrats are pussies and won’t defend themselves when unfairly blamed for stuff they were probably too spineless to stop. This man is the biggest joke America has put forth since the Star Wars Prequels: one side won’t admit the mistake while the other is too weak to totally distance themselves from it.

I loved the idea that back when King George was (not) elected the first time “he seems like a great guy to have a beer with.” That’s rich. First of all, when he was drinking, I’ll be he was a mean drunk. And second, when would any of the dolts who voted for him ever get a chance to sit down and have a brew with him? Third, would he really be that much fun to have a beer with? I’m thinking he’d be about as much fun as a murderous, money obsessed, born again Christian could be. That sounds GREAT.

He’s still yapping away up there. Waxing poetic about congress and how his administration saw this gas crunch coming a long time ago….hey wait! That would explain his invasion of Iraq right? His delivery is stilted and choppy. He seems to get lost in the middle of what he’s saying. It’s like if you pulled me out of 4th of July BBQ after five beers and asked me to address the United Nations. It wouldn’t be smooth. That did happen, and it wasn’t smooth.

But that’s OUR President. Dumb, drunk on power (probably just drunk) and not playing golf anymore because it wouldn’t be right for the families of fallen soldiers to see him enjoying himself while young people give their lives for a lie. There’s a bumper sticker that says: He’s not MY President! He may not be YOUR President, but he’s OUR problem. And while you can’t punish him, you can punish anyone who had his back over the last 8 years. You seem like a smart person. I’ll bet you’d be great to have a beer with.

JR

Chickens....coming home....roosting

The chickens have come home to roost.

All over Denver (and I'm sure it's the same in whatever city you live in), I see people riding bikes and scooters.

It's miraculous actually. I see people who look like they haven't been on a bike in years pedaling away their high gas price blues.

And I see the same assholes in their SUV's who still haven't removed their Bush/Cheney bumper stickers chugging away in their monstrosities, no doubt paying upwards of $60-$70 to fill their tanks.

Great work you fucking losers. You sank your money into that gas guzzler because it was the cool thing to do. It made you feel cool, important and better than all those "liberal" whiners who wouldn't shut up about global warming, conservation and sustainability. Well, you showed them didn't you?

Back when we printed the Hooligan (and t-shirts with catchy slogans for said magazine), we had a saying: FU SUV.

And while the drivers of those vehicles may be saying the same thing, the joke is squarely on them.

A big fuck you to all who blindly supported Bush and his buddies while they raped everyone up the ass to make a buck. The blinders you put on must have made it really easy to avoid seeing what was going on.

JR