Wednesday, September 27, 2006

I don't want anything to do with bringing SEXYBACK

Why in the world does anyone give two shits about Justin Timberlake? Have we as a nation forgotten that this is the same whiny asshole from N’Stync? Have we forgotten that this guy just flat out sucks? Well let me refresh your memory.

Justin Timberlake is the classic, “I’m a lame-ass but for some reason everyone has forgotten that bit of information” guy. He’s the dude who slipped in to the hot Hollywood party when he wasn’t invited to. He’s the guy who got free tickets to the football game on the 50, but doesn’t really like football. He’s the person, as hard working Americans, we are supposed to loathe. The only difference between him and Kevin Federline is that Timberlake actually gets up there and earns his money. But he earns it because dumb fucks all across this great country are throwing it at him.

I don’t listen to a lot of pop radio, but typically, if there’s a song that’s hot, you will hear it eventually. Those kinds of songs, even if they suck, will somehow make it to your earhole, even while you’re avoiding it like a Robin Williams movie.

I never heard any of the so-called “hits” off of Timberlake’s first solo album (solo from N’Stync remember) Justified. Not once did I even get one note of “Cry Me A River” or whatever clownish dance pop he cooked up with the help of very capable studio gurus. And what that says to me is that it wasn’t very good. Sure it might have sold a lot of records, but for the simple fact that I never heard a note makes me think it couldn’t have been as good as everyone said it was. And just so we’re clear, I’m stoked that I didn’t hear any of it. I’m as stoked as an anti-abortion activist, tightly binding his balls with an extension cord while watching violent porn. That stoked.

So I get back to the question at hand: why is Justin Timberlake not only popular, but relevant as well? For one, he’s white. And in this day and age of the hip hop star, record companies, media outlets and white people with money who are tired of the “thug” image, want a fresh faced white guy to succeed. Sure, Justin just rips off black music to achieve his aim, but he’s white nonetheless.

I’ll concede that he’s talented; he can sing and apparently he can dance up a storm, but he’s being propped up for the simple fact that people in the music business feel the need for a “great white hope,” which is a racist tag anyway.

All of the other white guys involved with popular music are not playing R+B based tunes. They are your Fall Out Boys and Panic at the Discos that, wholeheartedly suck, but won’t get near the kind of record sales that ol’ Justin will do. The aforementioned bands, spend way more on hair cuts and hair product than what it takes to make their actual music, so the profits are slim at best. Timberlake has curly hair so that could be how he’s managed to stay afloat in this mostly African-American pop music scene.

Timberdick bridges the gap between pop and R+B and he doesn’t look like he’ll steal your car while doing it. Parents eat this up and this directly affects how many more records he will sell.

If the music he makes didn’t fully suck dead hobo ass, I’d give him his due. But from what I’ve seen, if the music was any good, combined with how popular he appears to be, it would be playing out of every speaker for miles around. They would install speakers in every dead soldier’s coffin coming back from Iraq and blast his music because it’s just that damn good. But alas, I will probably never hear it. That in of itself is a good thing, but I can’t help but think the American public has, yet again, been duped into liking something that couldn’t stand up on its own without the aid of a good looking white kid who can dance well enough that you forget how shitty the music is.

I don’t know where SEXY went in the first place, but is JT really bringing SEXYBACK if no one actually hears it? I think Mr. Timberlake had better keep cashing every check thrown his way because it can’t go on like this forever. But then again, Guns N Roses has been promising Chinese Democracy since the late 70’s and no one has pulled the plug on that ridiculous freak show. Come to think of it, Axl Rose has those bad corn rows, so maybe there is a correlation to white guys with their shitty faux black guy hair and longevity in the music business. Something to ponder. Somewhere JC Chasez is quietly contemplating having a plastic surgeon make him look like Flavor Flav.

Here’s some actual good music I’ve been listening to:

Been listening to some pretty good tunes lately. But before I get to that I want to remind everyone that I usually get my stuff from the library these days, so calling the music “new” isn’t very accurate. I’m sure for some of you some of this is old news, so let’s just dispense with posts regarding how out of touch I am. I know how out of touch I am.

The first thing that blew my ass away is the Wolfmother album. Man that record rules. It’s like a 70’s rock masterpiece that could take a turn into the ridiculous ala the Darkness, but never does because the jams are just that sweet. I would imagine this would be the album Sabbath would make today if they were young and full of cocaine.

And while I’m in the metal mood, the new Slayer is also worth your time. Christ Illusion rejoins Slayer with its original drummer and the results are fantastic. I really enjoyed the last Slayer album, and this is about as good, but the drumming stands out immediately. I don’t know if it’s a more “organic” sound, but that mother fucker hits the skins like no other. On one track (Catatonic), it sounds like he’s forging a plus 5 Broad sword from a furnace in Mordor. There are a couple of misfires, but for the most part, Christ Illusion rips.

The DJ Spooky/Trojan Records collection is very good as well. It’s two discs of reggae, ska and such, selected by DJ Spooky and it’s a pretty good throughout. Most times, collections like this don’t do it for me because I might have a lot of the stuff on here, but a good portion of this was stuff I don’t own so it was nice to have it in one place.

And speaking of reggae, awhile back I got the Max Romeo: Open the Iron Gate 1973-1977 album which is just phenomenal. Romeo’s got a great voice and the reggae is simple and stoney. A couple of songs have “versions” tacked on to the ends of the regular track, which is cool. I played this thing to death a couple weeks ago.

One record I cannot understand why is so popular is the Gnarls Barkley bullshit the media beat us over the head with for the last couple of months. Oh it was popular in England, but that doesn’t mean shit. The British, although purveyors of very fine music, can also get behind a turd if someone told them it smelled good enough. They like some shit over there (just like us I guess) and Gnarls Barkley is some bona fide shit. I got this from the library, put it on my ipod and started to mow the lawn while listening to the first couple of tracks. I was bored silly by the first song so I fast forwarded to the big hit “Crazy.” Well call me crazy, but “Crazy” sucks. It’s kind of catchy but overall just a bland pop song that I can imagine might be alright if you’re hanging out by the pool, but did it really deserve the hype that it got? No. Once I got to the cover of the Violent Femmes song “Gone Daddy Gone,” I turned it off. Absolute crap….but that’s the English way!

Been listening to the latest Neil Young album, Living With War. I’m a pretty big Neil fan so I’m pretty open to everything he does. Living With War is pretty good even if you leave out the anti-war/Bush message that pervades it. But I’m really glad he made this record because no one else did. Some of the songs delve into the goofy because he’s trying to get a point across by mentioning certain things Bush has done. For instance, in “Let’s Impeach the President,” which is kind of a fall anthem for me, Neil starts talking about Bush cracking down on steroids, “after he sold his own baseball team.” As a lyric, it doesn’t really work, but as anti-Bush tidbit, it’s great. The album has an anti-war, anti-Bush bent throughout but it works well as a Neil Young album and it’s been playing in my head for the last couple of weeks.

That’s about it for now, feel free to let me know about any music you might think I’d like. No Sufjan Stevens please.



Jon said...

You know John, I've been reading your writing since Hooligan #1, and I've disagreed with you plenty of times. While I've disagreed with your opinions I've always respected your arguments and enjoyed your writing. This though. Ugh. A dozen paragraphs of "I'm an old man, I'm going to slag new music that I haven't heard, and what's with white people playing black music" bullshit. I know you acknowledge you're old and out of touch, and that has never stopped you from commenting on modern pop culture, but this is a little over the top. You managed to crap out TEN freaking paragraphs on something you've never experienced? Good job. How about I buy you the fucking CD so you can at least attack it in the intelligent way I know you're capable of.

And honestly? I've not heard much of the album, and I'm not a huge Prince fan, but it actually sounds not bad. Not something I'm going to be loving myself but miles better than just about any other current album in the pop genre that I can think of. Then again I think Gnarls Barkley is pretty good. I guess I have shitty taste.

Mike Smith said...

Two good spots there mate - saw Wolfmother at the Leeds Festival at the end of August - spot on ! The neil Young album we've had for a while - certainly back to his "angry rocker" mode.

Have you tried DragonForce ? can certainly recommend their first album "Valley of the Damned" - but they're all good. Also try the Eagles of Death Metal ( a Josh Homme - QOTSA - side project) - another good spot at Leeds Festival. I could go on (Zox, Coheed & Cambria, Breed 77) - but I won't !

Cheers Smiffy

Johnn said...

Jon who the fuck are you?

Prince? Gnarls Barkley? Go shove your cock in your mouth.

J Reidy said...

???...oh you meant "Jon"..for a minute there i was worried.

as for "Jon":

"I guess I have shitty taste." you said it brother, not me.

since you've been reading since Hooligan #1 you would know that, i can, and will, crap out ten paragraphs about something i have never heard...simply due to the fact that I KNOW IT SUCKS. i don't have to hear it to know justin timblerlake's SEXYBACK sucks cock and balls.

and don't forget, when i crap, it's pure gold.

one thing i can't stand is being misquoted. and you did that by implying i said "what's up with white people playing black music." that's not what i said. the fact that JT has styled his dance moves after Michael Jackson and his music (apparently) after Prince is just an obvious aside to the real matter: he sucks yet no one got the memo. also, all the old man stuff was later in the post when i was talking about hearing music later than everyone else. i might be old, but i'm really not that out of touch; that's just my way of being charming and not have people rip me for hearing Wolfmother 6 months after it came out.

now, if SEXYBACK actually does sound like Prince, then it's worse than i thought. Prince is Prince, but do you want to hear somebody else trying to be Prince? by that admission alone, you've proved my point and you didn't even have to buy me the CD.

i've slagged tons of shit in my day and only rarely have i come around to liking something that i had once found putrid. justin timberlake will not be one of those things. i can take a poll with everyone i know, or hell, everyone who reads this if they like JT...i'll bet you a round of beers that the majority would ask "why in the hell would i listen to that?"

i've heard some people say they thought a kelly clarkson song was catchy...or even an ashley simpson song for fuck's sake, but no one and i mean no one has ever said, "hey i really like the solo stuff from the guy who was in N'Sync." it just doesn't happen.

pop music is designed for teenagers. whether it's JT, Good Charlotte, Fall Out Boy, or the bulk of today's hip hop, it's made for people with under developed brains who have disposable incomes to waste on this crap. if it's catchy and you dig it, cool. far be it for me to tell you NOT to listen.

but just for the record, i don't need to listen to justin timberlake to make the determination that his music sucks. i don't because I KNOW IT SUCKS.

but come on, wasn't the thing about the guy wrapping his balls in the extension cord funny? let's talk about that.


Dying Cyborg said...

I hate JT and 99% of pop music in the 2000 era. I hate to say it but I like the dance beat to "Sexyback" no matter how simple it is (and it really is simple, but very redundant and gets tiresome). Now JT himself in the song? He literally sounds like a dying cyborg (I'm not exaggering either....HE SOUNDS LIKE A DYING CYBORG) and it has worse lyrics than most rap pieces. Very annoying overall.

I'm not even sure if this song would have hit top 5 in the 90's. Maybe not even top 10.

PS Gnarls Barkley is aweful IMO

Anonymous said...

Here's how to judge a singer the proper way, see them perform live. A couple years back my girlfriend got a free set of tickets to a Christina Aguilera/Justin Timberlake concert. Christina Aguilera's show was really entertaining and she has a great voice. JT's show was boring and I'm certain he was lipsynching. Christina Aguilera interacted with the audience and was definitely singing for real. JT never reacted to anything and it seemed like his entire performance was prerecorded even inbetween songs. The worst thing of all was his 10 minute beat box session. 95% of the audience was women and girls with a median age of 16 and everyone knows that teenage girls love beat boxing.

J Reidy said...

that's funny...

you're right about seeing them live because it can tell you a lot about their abilities.

augilera's music might be bland but she's got a fucking killer voice. blows away any of her contemporaries like Shitney, who needs a computer to sound halfway decent.

i once accompanied my neice to a backstreet boys concert here in denver and was bored silly. my neice and her friend were pretty young then so i was relieved when they got bored and i could go home.

i didn't pay for those tickets thank christ because my sister paid for me to go. but they were expensive and what you get for the money is not worth it.

i've seen bands for $10 that blew my ass away and they didn't need computers, syncronized dancing and lip syncing to do it.

fuck justine timberlake and the horse he moonwalked in on.

JR said...

Great blog! I've added a link to your blog on Blog of the Day under the category of Music. To view the feature of your blog, please visit

demabloggery said...

YOu can thank corporations, focus groups, and marketing analysis for the death of music.

J Reidy said...

well, we all know the music business is nasty and tries very hard to NOT be about the music, but...we've all known that for a long time.

i'm sure when elvis started out people were saying the same thing, and probably before that...there were riots when Stravinsky introduced 'Rites of Spring' to an audience way back when. now people just sit at their computers and complain about it.

this crappy pop music (or "crop") wouldn't exist if people didn't buy it. people wouldn't buy it if their taste wasn't located in their butthole. things like this only exists because someone is willing to pay money for it.

i don't think music is dead as you've stated. in fact, it's pretty healthy due to the internet and people just wanting something new, refreshing and un-stale like the moldy bread JT and his ilk are pushing. sure, most bands start out hungry, play some good tunes and then get lazy and full of themselves...looking at you the Strokes...but you've got to enjoy it while they're making the good music and before they crash and burn trying to get the money for a second mercedes...nothing wrong with having a mercedes, just don't suck trying to get one.

and to the DYING CYBORG: is it a coincidence that your name describes the sound that JT makes or did you hear JT sound like a dying cyborg and think, "hey, that's a good screename!"?

anyway, i think JT is a cyborg and i'm pretty sure his genitalia is smooth like a Ken Doll. "Ken Doll Smooth" would make a great name for a band!


Anonymous said...

lol ur funny
but a very angry soul
calm down dude fo relz lol

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