If you don’t know who Daniel Snyder is, good for you. He’s a repellant, rich asshole who owns the Washington Redskins. As if the name of the team wasn’t racist and divisive enough, Snyder makes them ten times worse simply by who he is.
Snyder is the fat rich kid who everyone used to tease; the geekiest of the geeks even got to make themselves feel better by tormenting this sad sack of shit. But he’s rich and it’s the only reason anyone takes him seriously. There was a fat rich kid who used to hang around the skate shop I worked at in high school. He was just a dorky kid who everyone hated but his family owned a restaurant and the prospect of free food always kept me from letting some of the kid his age from beating him senseless. This kid was annoying and a social retard and I’m sure he’s 10 times more wealthy than I am right now, making people’s lives hell just because he can.
Well, that fat bastard is all growed up now and his name is Daniel Snyder. I don’t know where Snyder made his money, but he’s got a shit load of it. He bought the Redskins in 1999 because you know, like a spoiled little asshole, he had to have a football team. I have to come clean and say I hate the Redskins. I think their name is ugly and racist, it’s an east coast team of which its fans are arrogant and delusional and if you believe ESPN, everyone loves them. Well, not me.
My hatred for the Redskins grew when Snyder took the team over. His bloated face and open wallet just screamed “I want to buy myself a Super Bowl!” But it never happened. Not yet anyway, and thank god. Snyder has thrown more money at this losing team and has gotten nothing in return but quick playoff exits and better yet, no playoffs at all. The best thing I can say about the team is that the Broncos have shipped their malcontents to them and have received quality players in return. If you had to play for that dick, wouldn’t you be happier somewhere else? Anyone who can make Broncos owner Pat Bowlen look like Andy Griffith has got to be a serious dickhead.
Snyder’s blank checks are now the notorious stuff of legends in the NFL. He’s spent more and got less than pretty much every team in the league. And that suits me fine.
Now, here’s why you may have heard of Daniel Snyder: he’s the guy who snapped up Tom Cruise’s contract once Paramount dumped him like Flavor Flav dumps fat chicks. Once Cruise became available, Snyder jumped at the chance to have him on his roster…not the Redskins roster…they don’t have room for a 5’6” ego maniac who can’t play football…that role is already being played by Snyder.
Cruise signed a two year development deal with Snyder’s brilliantly named “First and Goal” company that will provide financing for future Cruise films. Cruise’s films haven’t been taking it in like they used to and Paramount, faced with dwindling tickets sales and the high cost of paying Tom, decided to pull the plug. The fact that the actor went on a career killing publicity rampage last year probably factored in as well.
So in comes D Snyder (no, not DEE Snyder, but I wish!) to save the day. And just like his football team, he over pays for an underperforming superstar because, a) he can and b) he’s an utter douchebag who really doesn’t understand sports, movies and apparently business in general. Like I said before, I’m not sure how or where he made his money before becoming owner of the Redskins, but it’s a fucking miracle he actually did based on what he’s done over the last 7 years.
And that’s why Tom should be worried. If Daniel Snyder has come calling it means two things, 1) you will get paid like a motherfucker and 2) you can forget about winning anything ever again. In Tom Cruise’s world this isn’t a good thing because he already has tons of money, yet craves the critical acclaim that has eluded him thus far. Academy Award Tom? Not a chance with Dan Snyder propping you up.
His movies will continue to make less and less because the bloom is now off his Xenuian Rose. Partly because of his off screen antics, but mainly because people now see him as that pretty face who can’t really act but is thrust upon us in large, extravagant films that couldn’t be bad if they spent all this money right? Right.
He’s the rich man’s Ben Affleck and now the movie going public is sick of him. Enter stage left Dan Snyder to run up and hit him in the face with a fist full of cash hoping some of it will stick and not wash down the drain just like his Redskins payroll for nearly the last decade.
Cruise and his baby’s momma Kate Cruise (some of you may remember her as the actress Katie Holmes) made an appearance at the latest wonderful Redskins defeat in Washington last week. There was Cruise, his fake smile looking more and more painful as he forced his lips into that trademark phony grin. His career is now over. It’s official and you can smell it. The Stink of Dan Snyder, the Stink of Failure is now the one thing Cruise’s Scientology won’t be able to “clear” away.