War Time Smile: Weekly Wrap Up

Wild Hogs is still kicking ass at the box office, proving once again that every crude, predictable stereotype of Americans is absolutely, 100% true.

But really how genius is that movie? A bunch of middle aged white guys (and their one black friend) buy Harleys to exorcise they’re mid-life demons. It has a ready made audience. It’s called the “Jeff Foxworthy Effect.” Brainless white dudes will get out and support anything remotely related to them because it makes them feel like they still have a say in today’s pop culture. And despite having Martin Lawrence in the movie, the lack of black people in the theater will draw them to the movie because of the safe and quiet experience that awaits them.

If there isn’t a theater out in the cracker box suburbs filling up right now with 40 year olds wearing goatees and some sort of NASCAR hat, I will eat my own balls.

Newt Gingrich announced this past week that he was having an affair the whole time he put the screws to Bill Clinton for having his affair(s). What a fucking surprise this is.

CNN claimed that Gingrich had a “surprising” announcement concerning his time as grand inquisitor of Bill Clinton’s penis. If you were “surprised” by this news, then I’m sure you were at Wild Hogs this weekend with one hand in a tub of popcorn and one hand probing your own ass.

Gingrich and everyone else who was having an affair while sticking it to Clinton, should be sentenced to Hillary Clinton’s campaign as official sex slave/douche re-filler. What kind of sick mind can sleep at night while doing this? Well, I guess if Newt didn’t go after Clinton it would have been more suspicious right? The bigger question here is “WHO IN THE HELL WAS FUCKING NEWT GINGRICH?”

Jake Plummer finally fucking retired from football this past week. After sticking it to the Broncos one last time, and ultimately sticking it to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Plummer called it a career.

Plummer was called a “rebel soul” by his mother and equated him to Pat Tillman, Plummer’s old teammate who dropped out of the NFL to become an Army Ranger and fight in Afghanistan where he was killed in action. Well, I wouldn’t necessarily call him a “rebel soul.” Maybe “shitty quarterback” is more like it.

I don’t have a problem with what Plummer did; in fact if more people did what was best for themselves and not for their ego/bank account, we’d have more happy people on the planet. What I have a problem with is Plummer’s attitude at the very end. In his press conference formally announcing his retirement, Plummer wore a shirt that said “Freedom.” This hints at the fact that Plummer felt like a slave to the NFL. What it also says is that he was extremely dissatisfied with playing football and getting paid millions to do so. That’s cool I guess, but it probably means he was giving less than 100% during his time with the Broncos. I don’t care what he said about “loving the game” and being a “competitor.” If you’re wearing a shirt that says “Freedom” as you unceremoniously retire, you weren’t happy.

Thanks for the interceptions Jake. I know in your new career as a handball champion (Plummer and his brother just placed second in a handball tournament here in Denver) involves you slapping a ball haphazardly at a wall…pretty much what you did last season for Denver…except the wall was the opposing team’s defensive backs and the slapping was your noodle armed attempts to throw downfield. Thanks for the memories!

Listening to: Bright Black Morning Light, The Good The Bad The Queen, Lamb of God, Hot IQs.

Watching: For Your Consideration, Marie Antoinette, The Sarah Silverman Program

JR