Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Best and Worst MOVIES of 2005

My picks for best (and worst) movies of 2005…in no particular order

If it isn’t out on video, chances are good that I haven’t seen it. I hate going to the movies. All those drooling numbskulls who make up the bulk of the movie going public give me the horribles.

No, I stay inside where it’s quiet; the wine flows freely and there’s no one kicking my chair that I can’t put in his crib for the night. I can count on one hand how many movies I’ve seen in the theater this past year: three. Star Wars Episode III, March of the Penguins, and the Constant Gardener. Star Wars was very hard to watch the second time around on video, the penguin movie was a very flawed documentary which suffered from way too much hype and the Constant Gardener was just plain good overall.

So, if it hasn’t come out on video yet, I haven’t seen it. So the 40 Year Old Virgin, Narnia et al will just have to wait. Here’s the rest:

The good:

Murderball: Pretty good doc on wheelchair rugby players. Included are excerpts from a training video on how paraplegics have sex!

A Dirty Shame: A fun John Waters movie that had some good moments. “Let’s go a-sexin’!!!!” Selma Blair’s boobs should win a special effects Oscar.

Sin City: Stylish, violent and intriguing. They did a great job bringing it to the screen. Jessica Alba’s character should have been nekked like in the books.

Team America: World Police: Great take on war time America. All the lefty actors got all upset about their portrayal in this but the righty war hawk assholes got it just as bad. The extended puppet sex scene was worth every penny.

The Corporation: a fantastic doc on how Dick Cheney is sticking it up our asses without lube or a kiss.

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou:Not my fave Wes Anderson movie, but it had its moments. Loved the Bowie songs in Portuguese. Pretty sure it came out last year.

The Bad:

Kicking and Screaming: Not very good. Basically just a bunch of wacky situations someone thought Will Ferrell could make funny. Didn’t happen. There was a funny part with Mike Ditka and “Bing Bong” though that was cracking me up days later....you'd just have to see it.

Batman Begins: a big step up from the last Batman atrocity but still just kind of bland. I just saw it and I’m not really sure what it was about. I can’t look at Katy Holmes the same way ever again. And tell me again why there always has to be a love interest in these movies? Batman doesn't date, so I'm guessing it's to deflect the obvious homoerotic imagery that pervades this type of film.

Fever Pitch: Jimmy Fallon sucks and I don’t care about the Red Sox or their fans so this really didn’t do anything for me. If they kept this as originally written about English soccer fans, it would have been better.

Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: Have you ever read the book? It’s kind of lame and so was the film version. I love the actors in this and it looked good, but after awhile, I just lost interest. Mice? Come on.

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants: Please believe me that I only watched this because my wife rented it and if I ran off to watch hockey, she would have been pissed. It was painful to watch but not as bad as watching Spanglish or Crash. There are some hot chicks in it and some conveniently resolved conflicts but not really my type of film. I only tell you this because I want our dialogue to be open and honest.

The Ugly:

Spanglish: a shrieking, obnoxious mess of a movie. Whoever thinks Adam Sandler can do a serious role needs to remove the ether rag from their face. He is just awful in this claptrap that left me wanting all of the characters to die. One more strike and you’re out Sandler.

The Longest Yard: Strike Three!!! Just a complete waste of my time. I always stuck up for you Sandler, but not anymore. The guards are white and bad and they are racist. The inmates are black and good even though some are there for violent crimes against humanity. I saw more character depth in the cardboard cutout of Elvira at the liquor store. Please, I know this is a remake, so couldn’t you have punched it up just a little? I mean it was already written! I want that hour and a half of my life back. Being in this movie is keeping Chris Rock awake at night I’m sure.

Crash: What a piece of shit. Ever heard of something called racism? Me either until I was beaten over the head with it by Crash. Terrible shit. Anyone who praised this movie has only experienced racism through episodes of Friends and John Singleton movies. Looking at you Roger Ebert. Ebert loved this which leads me to believe that he’s lost his fucking mind. It's one thing to do an edgy film about a controversial topic, and it's another thing to do a completely obvious, hamfisted and preachy after school special masquarading as a legitimate movie. Total shit.

Land of the Dead: I love zombie movies and since the latest burst of zombie movies (Dawn of the Dead, 28 Days Later, Shaun of the Dead) were so good, I figured this would be as well. Wrong. This was not only the worst zombie movie made in a long time, it’s one of the worst movies made in a long time. The premise was pretty good, but they just pissed down their leg when it came time to make this turd. The characters and actors are better on the Sci-fi Channel’s horrible original movies than in Land of the Dead. Any time you see John Leguizamo’s name pop up in the credits, you know you’re fucked.

JR

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