I love Christmas, don’t get me wrong. It’s my favorite time of year. And not because I’m honoring the birth of Christ like all those very pious and moral Christians who are constantly reminding us how bad we all are from the rarified air of their Hummers, cutting people off in the Wal Mart parking lot.
No, I love Christmas because it’s the natural winding down of the year; a time to reflect on and look forward to the next one. I also love the fact that I can get together with friends and family, take time off from work and drink a bunch of free booze. That’s pretty special too.
Yeah Christmas rules and it rules because just about anybody can get down with it. I figure that Hindus, Jews and Muslims totally dig getting a couple of days off even if they don’t slobber at the feet of OUR LORD and SAVIOR. Hell, I don’t believe in that shit, but I’ll be the first one to say “happy birthday Jesus, thanks for the Best Buy gift certificate and all the free hooch.”
So it’s funny to me how all the self righteous fuck heads know as the American Christian get so bent out of shape about “taking Christ out of Christmas.” Don’t you think if Jesus could look down on all of this he’d be completely stoked that people of all races and religions are wishing each other well at office Xmas parties and kicking back on HIS birthday? I’d like to think so.
So fucking what if someone avoids saying “Merry Christmas” or the hardware store has a sign that says “Happy Holidays?” Jews and Muslims need garden hoses too right? Why should they be excluded just because their Messiah hasn’t risen from the dead and his believers aren’t up everyone’s ass with their neurotic badgering?
A recent letter to the editor in the Rocky Mountain News showed just how much the American Christian sucks. Some crazy freak wrote in because she was upset that Lowe’s had the words “Happy Holidays” up instead of “Merry Christmas.” As I stated above, Jews need garden hoses right? Well, it’s just words right? Because Lowe’s chooses to not alienate other religions doesn’t mean they don’t respect your mentally ill, Christian beliefs. It’s just words, so why is the American Christian’s faith so visibly shaken by this type of thing?
If someone said “Happy Hanukkah” or “Happy Kwanzaa,” I wouldn’t bat an eye. I’d say “thanks, you too,” and keep on keepin’ on. No one’s going to say that too you, unless you’re Jewish in a place where Jewish people hang out, but only a dickhead would get offended by this. The American Christian is so threatened by this subtle change, that they have to let everyone know about it by being that wet fart in church: Nobody wants to hear it.
If you have to stick anything on your car that tells people what religion you are, you fucking suck. Put a Broncos sticker on there or a decal of your favorite band, but if your religion is so important, why are you cheapening it by sticking some shoddy plastic symbol of it on your car? If you have to advertise this type of thing, you’ve got some serious fucking problems.
So yeah, I’m taking the Christ out of Christmas because his believers have ruined the party for the rest of us. It's not a war on Christmas, but a war on Christians because they suck sweaty manhole. I’m going to celebrate Christmas because I think it’s a great time to honor friends and family. A great time to give thanks for another year of life and better things to come. I’m going to celebrate Christmas because it’s part of who I am and who I’ve become. I will not honor the Christian ideal of Christmas because it’s outdated and kind of fascist to think everyone, including people whose religions are thousands of years older than Christianity, should celebrate something they don’t believe in. Have fun with your family and friends, enjoy the time off and have a free drink on Jesus.