Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Ewww, what is that? It's THE FLAVOR OF LOVE

Let’s give it up to the best show currently on television: The Flavor of Love.

Public Enemy’s Flavor Flav continues to flex his reality show muscle in this incredible reality show that basically asks the question: what kind of sick freak would want to marry Flavor Flav? Gold Diggin' Bitches, that’s who.

Flavor of Love puts a new spin on shows like the Bachelor (or bee-yatchelor) but it’s kind of more like Joe Millionaire or My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancée because you can’t help but wonder when the punch-line will be delivered. Flavor of Love has plenty of walking punch-lines masquerading as women, and it’s fantabulous to watch them fight and claw over the scrawny Flav.

Don’t get the wrong impression, I love Flavor Flav. I was a huge Public Enemy fan in the 80’s and Flav, like a fine fortified wine, has just gotten better with age, but he’s a gross little man and I can’t for the life of me figure out why a woman would want to have sex with him, let alone touch him. Oh yeah, they get to live in his mansion and partake of his “wealth.” Well ladies, Flav might be a good guy and possess a unique personality that will never be seen on this planet again, but he doesn’t have Puff Diddly money. Shit, he doesn’t even have MC Hammer money, so I’m not sure what they’re getting all excited about. Hey, maybe they really love Flav. Watching the show, I think a few actually do, but for the most part, there’s a Kanye West song you might have heard that sums them up.

Flav has given all the ladies nicknames because he can’t remember anyone’s name. Did you see the Surreal Life that he was on? He had no idea who anyone was and couldn’t have remembered their names if they had the name tag stapled to their foreheads. So Flav handed out nicknames to these ladies like “Oyster” (suspiciously changed to “Red Oyster” after the first show), “Hoopz,” New York,” “Goldie,” “Miss Latin,” “Apples,” “Shellz” and “Peaches.” For a lot of these he was just staring at their tits and came up with a descriptive word for jugs….I mean, I’m surprised one wasn’t just called “Jugs.”

The catty infighting began almost immediately when Über-skank “New York” (who seriously looks like a man in drag) threw down the gauntlet and tried to get into one of the girl’s heads by acting crazy and aggressive…..never seen that before in a reality show where whores are competing for a chance at superficial love with some dude they just met. “New York” (who doesn’t have an Adam’s apple, I checked, but may have a penis tucked under her tight whore pants) throws more gas on the fire as she tangles with a new girl every week; it’s epic.

Like I said, I think a few of the girls actually like Flav. “Red Oyster” seems to be there for the right reasons even though she’s ratting out the other girls at an alarming rate. “Rain” was a good person but she was eliminated after the second episode. She helped “Goldie” when she got drunk and puked in a trashcan and was bounced for her efforts. “Rain” genuinely liked Flav and seemed to be a fan of his work in PE. She tangles with “New York” in the van in the most incredible display of head jerking and chin jutting I’ve ever seen on a reality show.

“Goldie,” who Flav describes as “country” is pretty cool. She’s not as hot as some of the other girls, but seems down to earth and apparently loves to party. I think she has the best shot to go far into the contest, but I’m thinking some tighter asses may prevail. “Pumpkin” is the last remaining white girl and while she may get deep into the final rounds, I just don’t think she’s going to make it; even though she’s a “substitute teacher” and a “cheerleading coach.” Of which she mentioned repeatedly in an almost autistic fashion. Great stuff.

Regardless of what happens, we’re guaranteed an amazing finish to this show. In just three episodes we’ve seen all shades of crazy and it’s just getting started. Some may call this the bottom of the barrel of reality television, but I find it to be the best of the bunch. I can’t stand terrible shit like the Bachelor and Survivor because the people on those shows take themselves way too seriously. And because the shows are allegedly so well respected, the people on them get treated like celebrities. But oh, they’re not. At least the ladies on Flavor of Love are trashy and they don’t care who knows it. Ok, maybe they don’t know it, but we do.

I just hope Flav can find his true love and move on from the heartbreak he suffered after Brigitte Nielsen left him for that effeminate Italian guy. That’s enough to make any man fall in love with a post-op transsexual named “New York.” Do you know what time it is?


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