It's Out on the Streets Like a Colfax...well, you know

The issue is done and delivered to your favorite hot spots. If it isn't, let me know and I'll get some there.

If you don't live in Denver, the website will be updated soon with most of the content from the issue. If you do live in Denver, let us know how we did....and yes, I know there are spelling errors so don't bother with that nonsense.

JR

gettin' the issue back together

It's pretty strange putting a magazine together after nearly four years hiatus.
I absolutely love laying the mag out, putting the pieces together and seeing it take shape. I'm not the greatest at it, but it's something that I truly enjoy doing.

It's strange because I honestly didn't think I would ever do it again. After doing the Hooligan for so long, I really felt that I had laid out my last issue when we released the Hooligan 10 year anniversary issue back in 03. But the Call of Ktulu went out again, and I answered.

I don't know, it may just end up like it always does: more trouble than it's worth and a total pain in the ass, but like I said, if laying the mag out gives me that ol' feeling, I can only imagine what getting the issue out on the street will be like...not to mention that first flurry of hate mail we will most definitely receive.

Oh yeah, can't wait for that.

So, if you care, the issue is coming along nicely and should be out around June 15th. More as it develops.

JR

here's an UPDATE for ya....

War Time Smile is going retro and putting out a print version.

It will be available all over Denver and feature all the groovy shit you've come to expect from your ol' pal Reidy.

It will be a lot like The Hooligan and in fact the working title was SSDN, or Same Shit Different Name. I still think you'll like it.

More details to follow. The issue will be out soon. Let me know if you have questions or you want to throw money at us.

JR

Weekly Wrap Up

All of Iran is furious over the movie 300. The film, which depicts a small Spartan army kicking the ass of the massive Persian army, has gotten the Iranians all mad because it depicts the Persians as blood thirsty barbarians. They are claiming the movie is just another attempt by America to make Iran look bad.

Here’s a news flash for you Iran: 98% of the drooling retards who went and soaked up the homoerotic bloodbath that is 300, have no idea that Persia is now Iran. To the average movie goer (a slack mouthed gaper), Persia is the setting of a video games and cartoons they spend hours watching while eating their weight in Combos.

So quit crying Iran. If you just stuck with your already narrow (and somewhat true) view of Americans, you wouldn’t have your feelings hurt by a bunch of douches who couldn’t find Chicago on a map, let alone Iran.

Reign over Me starring Adam Sandler in bad Bob Dylan wig, desperately trying to be taken seriously is currently on the top of my list of lame ass shit.

Sandler plays some schlub whose family died in 9/11 (ooh! I feel the tears being jerked right out of me!) and how he gets his life back by re-connecting with an old friend.

If Sandler plays anything but a half retarded moron, he’s a complete joke, ironically enough. I understand why as an actor he wants to branch out, but after several blind stabs at “serious” acting (the horrible “Punch Drunk Love” and the ball smashingly bad “Spanglish”), he’s come up with nothing more than hot diarrhea in a dirty sock.

It’s not working Adam. Go count your money and crank out your bread and butter, numbskull comedy every once in awhile and everything will be fine. Beating me over the head with 9/11 and some formulaic crap about finding redemption in an unfair world only makes me wish your “serious acting” died in 9/11 as well. Jim Carrey called and he wants you to know he’s got the market cornered on crappy, serious movies that no one wants to see him in.

I don’t like college basketball. I don’t like college sports at all, and most circles, that’s tantamount to saying I’d blow Osama Bin Laden for all that he’s done for America. So, you can imagine that this time of year you can’t fart without poop misting some nerd talking about the NCAA basketball tournament. It truly is a real pain in my balls.

I’m sure there are some good games, but college sports suck because I can’t really get excited about a team I have no connection to. If you went to Georgetown or grew up in the town of one of these colleges, I can’t bag on you for being a fan. But listening to grown men lament over their “bracket” is getting so old, I’d almost rather watch a “serious” Adam Sandler movie…followed up by a serious Jim Carrey movie. I guess “serious” just means he doesn’t mug for the camera and smiles only when the plot demands it. Great stuff guys.

College sports are just young kids playing at a sub-pro level. You might as well go lurk around the local high school gym and watch some games you fucking perverts. I don’t watch college sports because I want to watch the best players doing battle. And this has nothing to do with the fact that the typical sports fan, who is a meathead extraordinaire, uses this time of year to be a pain in the ass to everyone within earshot. Nothing at all. And speaking of those kinds of assholes….

Watched “Borat” last night. It was pretty funny and I definitely laughed very hard at several parts, but overall it was ok. Kind of like it was on “Da Ali G Show.” I felt sorry for some of the people he duped but really most of them got what was coming to them. The old man at the rodeo who was talking about rounding up homosexuals just came off as a crotchety old man. He isn’t going to change, it’s too late for him. But I was really disturbed by the drunk frat boys Borat rides with in the RV.

Those guys are fucking scumbags. Their views on minorities and women were hideous and because they were so young I can’t cut them any slack. They’re just terrible human beings who are already set in their ways about the world. This part made me really uncomfortable because these creeps just seemed dangerous. These are the white people that make brown people (and most white people) scared for their lives. The funny thing is these guys were trying to sue the filmmakers because they said they were misrepresented and were coerced into saying some of the things they said. Trust me, I’ve seen this kind of asshole before, and they would have started saying that shit regardless if there was alcohol and a camera present or not. These fuckers, more than anyone else in the film, made Americans look the worst.

And what college aged kid wouldn’t know who Borat is already? Don’t ask questions; just kill these people if you ever happen upon them.

It’s funny, I was listening to Dan Patrick on ESPN the other day and started his show by playing some of the new Arcade Fire album and saying, “this is the new Arcade Fire…trust me, it’s great, go get it now.” Now I love Dan Patrick, I think he’s awesome, but he’s like 50 years old and from what he’s told his listeners, is fairly new to this “alternative rock” thing. It’s just funny when something like the Arcade Fire can bridge the gap from haircut hipsters to “bracket” trolling lunkheads. There’s hope for world yet I guess.

Listening To: Arcade Fire, Art Brut, Emily Haines, Yellowman

Watching: Fast Food Nation, Frisky Dingo, The Avalanche (I Believe!), Lost (I Believe!)

War Time Smile: Weekly Wrap Up

Wild Hogs is still kicking ass at the box office, proving once again that every crude, predictable stereotype of Americans is absolutely, 100% true.

But really how genius is that movie? A bunch of middle aged white guys (and their one black friend) buy Harleys to exorcise they’re mid-life demons. It has a ready made audience. It’s called the “Jeff Foxworthy Effect.” Brainless white dudes will get out and support anything remotely related to them because it makes them feel like they still have a say in today’s pop culture. And despite having Martin Lawrence in the movie, the lack of black people in the theater will draw them to the movie because of the safe and quiet experience that awaits them.

If there isn’t a theater out in the cracker box suburbs filling up right now with 40 year olds wearing goatees and some sort of NASCAR hat, I will eat my own balls.

Newt Gingrich announced this past week that he was having an affair the whole time he put the screws to Bill Clinton for having his affair(s). What a fucking surprise this is.

CNN claimed that Gingrich had a “surprising” announcement concerning his time as grand inquisitor of Bill Clinton’s penis. If you were “surprised” by this news, then I’m sure you were at Wild Hogs this weekend with one hand in a tub of popcorn and one hand probing your own ass.

Gingrich and everyone else who was having an affair while sticking it to Clinton, should be sentenced to Hillary Clinton’s campaign as official sex slave/douche re-filler. What kind of sick mind can sleep at night while doing this? Well, I guess if Newt didn’t go after Clinton it would have been more suspicious right? The bigger question here is “WHO IN THE HELL WAS FUCKING NEWT GINGRICH?”

Jake Plummer finally fucking retired from football this past week. After sticking it to the Broncos one last time, and ultimately sticking it to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Plummer called it a career.

Plummer was called a “rebel soul” by his mother and equated him to Pat Tillman, Plummer’s old teammate who dropped out of the NFL to become an Army Ranger and fight in Afghanistan where he was killed in action. Well, I wouldn’t necessarily call him a “rebel soul.” Maybe “shitty quarterback” is more like it.

I don’t have a problem with what Plummer did; in fact if more people did what was best for themselves and not for their ego/bank account, we’d have more happy people on the planet. What I have a problem with is Plummer’s attitude at the very end. In his press conference formally announcing his retirement, Plummer wore a shirt that said “Freedom.” This hints at the fact that Plummer felt like a slave to the NFL. What it also says is that he was extremely dissatisfied with playing football and getting paid millions to do so. That’s cool I guess, but it probably means he was giving less than 100% during his time with the Broncos. I don’t care what he said about “loving the game” and being a “competitor.” If you’re wearing a shirt that says “Freedom” as you unceremoniously retire, you weren’t happy.

Thanks for the interceptions Jake. I know in your new career as a handball champion (Plummer and his brother just placed second in a handball tournament here in Denver) involves you slapping a ball haphazardly at a wall…pretty much what you did last season for Denver…except the wall was the opposing team’s defensive backs and the slapping was your noodle armed attempts to throw downfield. Thanks for the memories!

Listening to: Bright Black Morning Light, The Good The Bad The Queen, Lamb of God, Hot IQs.

Watching: For Your Consideration, Marie Antoinette, The Sarah Silverman Program

JR

This Whole Anne Coulter Thing is Totally Gay

An astute reader reminded me of my duty to keep this theme going.

I really hate even having to write about Anne Coulter. Her sunken, crazy looking eyes floating ominously behind a sheet a skin pulled too tight over her skeletal face….I can’t stand to look at her let alone listen to her.

Every time she opens her mouth and dribbles out some calculated and “controversial” stab at someone who doesn’t agree with her and her master race leanings, the media scrambles to give her as much face time as she needs. Coulter just sits back and tries to figure out how she can sell more books.

This time, the white witch called John Edwards a “faggot” (in a round-a-bout way) while making a clever reference to Isaiah Washington (please see: “This Whole Isaiah Washington Thing is Totally Gay” for more information). She said this to a group of conservative fuck wads who all laughed heartily.

If this is her sense of humor coming out (great sense of humor baby), that’s fine. But this still offends people. I don’t give two fucks about John Edwards but it belittles him by calling him a “faggot.” And it belittles gay people for associating them with John Edwards. More so, it comes from a person who hates gay people and wants them all dead (or second class citizens at least). If I were gay, I’d have a hard time with this bony freak saying such things. It would be like listening to Ron Artest tell the League of Women Voters how bitches sometimes need a good slap; it won’t go over well.

Coulter’s main objective is to sell books and further her fascist ideas. That’s it. I’m sure getting laid out of this isn’t an issue because her vagina dried up for good years ago, so making money and pushing an obviously diabolical agenda is her main goal. I have no problem with a difference in opinion, but when one as reckless and obviously disturbed as Coulter’s is farted out, I get a little queasy.

Take a look at Coulter’s eyes the next time she’s forced into your life. She’s got the dead eyed look of someone who’s not in control anymore. There’s a wild insanity hiding behind those eyes that you can almost see clawing its way out. She says things and you think to yourself “yeah, I see where someone might consider that to be funny,” but when she says it, it comes across as cold and robotic. When she does hit rock bottom and has to make some sort of concession to keep her ass out of the loony bin, I’m betting good money that we’ll hear how she was molested by someone wearing a Richard Nixon mask. Bet on it.

But of course by writing about her, I’ve just crammed more “attention cock” down her throat. She craves the “attention cock” and will take it from anyone. She’ll say anything to get it. All the while pleasing her white, male Over Lords and looking to them for a nod of approval. If she wasn’t so transparent and obvious in what she’s doing, I’d be terrified of her.

But she isn’t going to be let off the hook for this one. If an actor and a basketball player are going to be put through the ringer for it, Coulter should too. The thing about the actor and the basketball player is they could probably see how what they said is negative. They might never be totally comfortable with gay people but at least they’ll understand why people were upset about it and do something to save their careers. Coulter will be unapologetic until the end. She might go out and sport kill a couple of gay guys just to celebrate. And that’s why she needs to be punished for it.

Eventually she will be reduced to skeleton in a blonde wig screaming about liberals and 911 widows to a brick wall. That’s going to be hilarious. But until that time, she’s going to lay low for awhile plotting her comeback. She’s like the transvestite version of Jason from Friday the 13^th, always lurking. And when she does come back, she’s going to need all the “attention cock” you can cram down her throat. Do you have a few inches to spare for America?

JR

Selling Out: Fall Out Boy...a one man band?

We won’t get in to any kind of debate whether Fall Out Boy sucks or not. They do suck, so there’s no reason to evaluate their music or their apparent lack of worth to the world of music.

If you didn’t know any better, you’d think that lame dude with the hair in his eyes and the tight pants was the singer because he’s always front and center whenever a photo is snapped. But he’s not. I think he’s the bass player and yet there he is; always pushed to the front because he’s the most popular and the other members of the band are slightly more homely.

That irks me about Fall Out Boy, but that’s not why I’m writing this. The problem I have with these dubiously talented clowns is the obvious double standard that they put forth in their public personas. They act like grown ups and want you to treat them thusly, yet they make music for kids. They’re the Raffi of the emo set.

Now it’s fine if you make music for kids. The Wiggles do it. But you’ll never see the Wiggles pretending to be tough guys; putting themselves out there as serious musicians whose music transcends age. No. The Wiggles make music for kids and they know this. They know you know this.

But Fall Out Boy pretends to be big boys. They want to be taken seriously with their music and will do everything in their power to keep that illusion going. The douche bass player gives 90 interviews a day talking about how crazy he is and “adult.” You’d never see Murray from the Wiggles doing that.

There’s a great line from a Jawbreaker song that goes like this: “Everyone tells me they're crazy / Well crazy people aren't so fucking boring.” That sums these assholes up pretty well. If only they were 1/8 as good as Jawbreaker.

Anyway, the fact that Fall Out Boy is a kid’s band and they don’t admit it does piss me off, but that’s at the heart of why I hate them so much. My main gripe is how a band like this adopts a punk persona, is nothing more than a teeny bopper act and will sell themselves to the highest bidder. Tattoos cover up more than skin with these cunts.

Sure, sure, it’s all about money these days. Yeah, that’s fine. Iggy has his song on a commercial for cruise ships; The Clash had their stuff in car commercials. I had trouble with things like that for awhile, but then I realized in The Clash’s case, Joe Strummer had a family and I’m sure they wanted their future to be secure. Iggy probably never got paid anything in his early days and needed a little bread to get by. Whether he was buying a summer home or putting food on the table, these guys paid their dues; I can’t totally dismiss them for doing it now.

But what gets my balls in a bind is when young artists will sell themselves as quickly as a Colfax Ho who sees the crack man leaving for the night. They can’t wait to sell out. They sign on the dotted line and they gleefully give their songs away like they’re handing their kid over to the local child molester. They got their money, they’ll just make more crappy songs.

I saw a cell phone commercial for the V Cast phone the other night. The commercial shows a near retarded meat head, working out in a gym, listening to Fall Out Boy on his phone. This guy is Fall Out Boy’s worst nightmare but yet probably their best customer. He’s all sweaty from pumping iron, he’s buff and probably can’t decide whether ripping a homo’s arm off or date raping some dumbass that went out with him would make a better Friday night. This guy would beat Fall Out Boy senseless if they walked into his sports bar after only four Coors Lights.

And yet Fall Out Boy is totally fine with having their product (music) associated with this animal. Now obviously bands can’t dictate who can and cannot listen to their music. Lord knows I’ve been to enough shows to see that there are some people who will gravitate toward a band that are not only out of tune with the band’s politics but completely out of line with society’s rules in general. You can’t choose your family or the people who listen to your music apparently.

But you can have a say in how your music is represented. If not, then don’t sign the contract. It’s as easy as that. I read an interview with Fall Out Boy’s douche bass player and he made negative comments about frat boys and jocks and whatnot. They put the image out there they don’t like these people yet they sold their name, image and music to a commercial featuring one of those people. I think this classifies as a classic “sell out.”

“Selling Out” got a bad name in the 90’s when all the alterna-bands went for the cash grab and signed major label deals leaving all the hipsters to snidely cry “sell out” on anyone who wanted a better life for themselves and their family. The cry of “sell out” was so loud and constant that eventually it was tuned out. “Selling out” then went on unimpeded and anyone crying “sell out” was poo-pooed like a liberal calling in to Rush Limbaugh. It became ok to “sell out” because it was uncool to call anyone on it.

Fall Out Boy sold out here big time. They not only sold their song to a completely horrific product but they’ve done damage to their image as well. Some may argue that this is their fan base (meat heads and teenagers), and now they are just coming out of the closet as it were. I will argue that they’ve revealed themselves to not give two shits about the music they’re creating and sell it and themselves to the highest bidder. Remember, you can sell out and still keep it classy. If there’s a product you like or a way you want to be represented, if you’re popular enough (like Fall Out Boy is right now), someone will accommodate you. But that was very far from their minds when they agreed to whore themselves to a cell phone company. That Ho on Colfax thinks this undignified.

Yeah, these creeps will still be able to make music and live comfortably which I’m sure is any musician’s dream, but when their teenage fans grow up and their meathead admirers die from hopefully some horrible death, no one is going to want to listen to their ear poop anymore. Sure they’ll be rich but by catering to kids and Neanderthals now, they won’t have anything left in the tank when the solo album from the shitty bass player comes out. Oh and you know that’s coming soon.

I used to have a lot of anger toward bands like this (I guess I still do). They are essentially boy bands with tattoos that mimic an aggressive style of music while putting their own kid friendly spin on it. I wish them all the success in the world because it must be thrilling to do something you love and get paid loads of money to do it. But if we don’t call a duck a duck here, we’re doomed to be bombarded with shitty groups like this until the end of time. Oh who am I kidding? This will never go away, but with your help maybe we can have the Fall Out Boys and the Good Charlottes moved to kids section in your local record store. Right next to Barney and straight up their own asses.

JR

This Whole Tim Hardaway Thing is Totally Gay

And this is why Isaiah Washington is being put through the ringer.

Tim Hardaway, long time NBA All-star, told the world yesterday that he “hates gay people.” He went on to say that he didn’t want a gay guy on his team, and if he did have one on there, he’d distance himself from that person.

This is all fallout from a former NBA player announcing he was gay a week or two prior. Hardaway was asked how he would deal with a gay teammate.

I guess honesty is good, but in Hardaway’s case, the completely ignorant and predictable way he expressed his honesty, doesn’t make his case. This is a news flash to all of the people who are like Tim Hardaway: You don’t have to like homosexuality. If the thought of two dudes humping turns your stomach, I wouldn’t dream of trying to change your mind. But to say you hate gay people (and not the sex act that makes you ill), is just so absurd it could be one of those hilarious comedies starring Martin Lawrence….which really aren’t funny at all.

I think Isaiah Washington is getting hung out to dry, but now you see why. There is a growing perception that African American culture is the least tolerant of homosexuality. More so than white Christians? I’m afraid so. And when you’re beating white Christians at bigotry, you really should evaluate some things.

If you took Tim Hardaway’s comments and put “black” in where he said “gay,” you’d be magically transported back to the 50’s and 60’s when sports were dominated by white people. Black people were not allowed and when they finally were, they were met with severe racism, from their teammates and fans alike. Most people will scoff at this and claim race and sexual orientation are two very different things. Sure. But when we’re talking about being set apart and vilified because of something you are, isn’t it the same thing. I’m sure Jackie Robinson had teammates who “distanced themselves” from him when he started playing. Is Hardaway too stupid or too filled with hatred to see how ironic this is?

So one bad thing begets another. If you thought the way Isaiah Washington was treated was racism like I did, now you see why those people put the screws to him. It’s just one more thing in a chain of events that won’t stop until someone grows the fuck up and gets over it. But that probably won’t happen based on what some of the callers were saying on sports talk radio; most were agreeing with Hardaway and supporting him. That’s fine if you agree with him, but don’t get behind someone spouting dangerous bullshit. Again: if you don’t like hot man love, no problem. But giving a thumbs up to a bigot is dangerous and will never ever lead to anything good.

Tim Hardaway, who hasn’t played in years, lives in a world where saying stuff like this doesn’t hurt him. Sure, the NBA immediately dropped him from having anything to do with their organization, but he’s already paid. Isaiah Washington works in a world where saying that type of thing will hurt him. I pity the next black actor, or someone in a similar profession who says something dumb about his/her gay contemporaries, because now, A.T. (After Tim), that person is going to pay dearly.

We’re just starting to see this heat up and it’s going to be one salvo after another.

I’m with the gays on this one. What Hardaway said wasn’t “keepin’ it real” it was ignorant and hateful. And while his hypocrisy is monumental on this, I guess he doesn’t owe anyone the courtesy of remembering how American blacks have been treated in this country. A racist can come out and say he hates black people, but no one in their right mind will come forward and say that person’s statement should be applauded. Hardaway has shown that he is a bigot, and instead of being commended for his “bold” statement, he should pitied and hope that he and people like him, will quietly go away.

JR

This whole Isaiah Washington thing is totally gay

If you have just returned from some place that doesn’t have the internet or don’t give two fucks about celebrity bullshit, you have no idea what I’m talking about. That’s good. You are a good person. I envy you. I envy you because I read all those ridiculous celebrity blogs written by annoying Queens who make a living ripping on some dumb actresses’ bad choice in eye glitter.

I read them because they’re a good quick read, they’re funny and it gives me something to talk about when with other people who read this crap. I’ve always believed that if you have something in common with everyone, you can get along with anyone. Or something like that. That’s how I’m justifying it anyway.

Anyway, if you’ve just returned from Iraq where you were hunting for the real culprits of 911, you wouldn’t know anything about the Isaiah Washington fiasco that is currently gripping America. Here’s what went down:

Washington, who stars on Grey’s Anatomy, called one of the other actors a “faggot” during an on-set argument. That subsequently forced the actor out of the closet and made Washington look like a grade ‘A’ asshole. He then couldn’t keep his mouth shut, denied he said it and then farted out a bunch of bullshit that made him look even worse.

I don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy, or Grey’s Sexcademy, as I like to call it. It’s a sucky show about humping doctors that brain dead morons watch to get a tingle in their nether regions. I’m all for humping (that’s what it will say on my tombstone), but this show is just lame. If you like it, good for you, but pornos have better plots and acting I’m sure.

Washington sounds like a dickhead. From all accounts, he’s a hot head and anyone who would react this way has got some issues. Especially since he works in Hollywood where an actor being gay is probably as common as wearing socks. If you work in movies or TV, pissing off the gays is like going to a NASCAR race in a turban, handing out anti-American literature. It won’t end in a good way.

So all the celebrity bloggers, who just happen to be fat, homely Queens, are all over this guy’s ass; calling for him to be fired and ripping him all kinds of new assholes. Oddly enough, no one is saying they will stop watching the show. I think that would really do some damage, but I guess they need their bad TV just like the rest of us. But they want blood and are doing everything in their power to get it.

But then I started thinking about it: people are really freaking out about this and for why? Is this really about someone calling another person a “faggot” or does it go deeper than that? I would agree that calling someone a faggot in this case is bad. The guy’s sexual preference shouldn’t be a factor here. If there’s an issue at the work place, where someone puts their pecker should never be a concern. So why are the gays so pissed off about Isaiah Washington?

Race baby. Race.

This is all about race. The Isaiah Washington fiasco has reached shrill, shrieking proportions simply because he’s black.

I will be the first one to call bullshit on someone playing the race card so you know I’m not a weak-willed, white guilt liberal looking to spread the good word by enabling some trumped up racist claim. The funny thing is, no one has brought this up in this case. They’ve let Washington twist in the wind and I’m frankly surprised.

I guess what he did was pretty bad. “Outing” the guy was kind of uncool. I would think if you were gay, you would like to pick the time and place of your coming out. Having some jerk yelling it across a soundstage for the celebrity obsessed world to hear is probably not his cup of tea. That was uncool. But after that, the actor went on Ellen’s show and she told him “how brave he was.” What? Really? Brave huh? I’m not really seeing how this guy is so brave for going through this. He gets paid a lot of money to act in a world that, behind the scenes, is very supportive of his orientation. There are far more people that have endured far worse punishment, physical and emotional, for their sexuality than this guy. Did it scare him because a big scary black guy said it to him?

I think that’s where this stems from. Black people have the “N” word. The “N” word is nigger in case you didn’t know. I personally don’t say the “N” word because I do find it offensive. I know black people (and most white people) find it offensive so I don’t use it. But a lot of black people do use it and I think the majority of the gay community, who have been maligned through hip hop and various aspects of black culture, feel like this is a way of striking back. Listen to any hip hop album and homos are constantly derided and “faggot” is used as a way to put people down. My guess is that Isaiah Washington opened his mouth and our gay brethren saw fit to cram decades of resentment down his throat.

The racial aspect of this is disturbing because it ceases to be about calling someone a nasty name based on who they are. It suddenly becomes a political issue where people are not considering that one asshole ran his mouth, but indicting a whole group of people simply because they’ve got momentum and want to intimidate anyone from saying something like it again. That’s fine, but shouldn’t you want people to stop saying it because they have learned that it’s wrong? Or is the out come that they’ll get fired enough? While one is harder to achieve, the other creates resentment and lasting bad vibes.

The only reason Mel Gibson wasn’t run out of Hollywood is that he makes tons of money. I’m sure there’s a Jewish guy or four that have a hand in helping Mel’s movies to the big screen. He said all the right things, but really if he didn’t make money, no one would have dealt with him ever again. Isaiah Washington doesn’t have the luxury of being Mel Gibson. He’s just a no name actor that no one ever heard of until this incident. Maybe this is good for him in the long run. Currently he went to “rehab” for his problem and will return to his hit show loving the gay life I’m sure.

Washington deserves most of the shit he’s getting but overall it just stinks of a racially motivated occasion for some payback. I for one think that’s a cycle you will never be able to pull out of.

So I’ll still read the bitchy celebrity blogs, but now I see them in a different light. As if it wasn’t bad enough that they all love that fucking lame hack Madonna, now they gotta play the Gay card against the Race card. And that’s a card game I never want to see.

JR

50 Most Loathsome People

Simply awesome. I think I referenced this list last year and it's even better this year.

Have at it:

The BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2006

JB: Doing it to Death

Did I mention how much I love James Brown? When the GFOS passed around Xmas time, I was going to write something up but didn’t (obviously) because 1) I’m kinda lazy and 2) I wasn’t sure I could due justice to how bad motherfucking ass this guy was. I’m a huge fan and yet I didn’t know how to talk about him.

Well, he’s still not buried and there’s all kinds of turmoil over his estate; his creepy wife is crying to Larry King about being locked out of the house and Al Sharpton seems to have his hands deep into the Hardest Working Man in Show Business’ business.

I’m not one to think that someone can’t “rest” until their body is in the ground, so it doesn’t matter to me if he’s buried or not. I think they should keep him above ground like Lenin and maybe I can go to wherever he is and pay my respects ten years from now.

At any rate, JB was just super bad. As you’ve probably read by now, there wouldn’t be hip-hop as we know it without JB. His style, his delivery and in particular, his music, contributed more to modern music than anyone in past 100 years. He’s that fucking cool.

Prince is a poor man’s James Brown. All his moves, his crazy wardrobe and the bulk of his shtick are cribbed right from JB’s playbook.

Justin Timberlake wishes he could take a couple of hairs off of JB’s corpse because there is more funk in the man’s follicles than in Timberlake’s whole body.

The first time I ever saw James Brown was on TV and it showed one of his early performances where he does the thing where he pretends to be overcome with how hard he’s performing and has to be helped off. A guy comes out and puts a cape on him and helps him off, but right before he leaves the stage he regains his strength and tears back into it. I was just blow away by this. I didn’t understand it, but I loved it.

Listen to any of his music where he’s calling out to the band members and telling them what to do; it’s a testament to the incredible musicians he had working for him as much as it is a showcase for his total mastery of the music. It’s been parodied for a long time, but JB could wave his hand and the band would stop on a dime. Wave it another way and the horns would hit him however he wanted it. He was like a diabolical sorcerer conjuring a wicked brew that you couldn’t wait to suck down.

Put on “Greedy Man” with its relentless funk or the slow, sticky jam that is “The Payback” and try and tell me this man wasn’t some sort of musical god on earth. He was.
Listen to his songs and just try to identify all the samples that were later used in countless rap songs. It’s just too bad he didn’t get paid for it when he was getting the shit sampled out his songs…where were Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson then?

Regardless of my paltry words of praise, there literally won’t ever be anyone as great as he was ever again. We’re left with his legacy though, through his music and all the people who copied him, wanted to be like him or just plain were affected by him.

God speed JB. Give up, turn it loose.

JR

Travel Journal 2000: Barcelona

Here's more from my travel journal. This is re-printed exactly how I typed it way back when. I had run off to Europe in early 2000 and hung out in Paris, Barcelona and then Dublin. I was posting this to the Hooligan website at the time, and while some of it is kind of embarrassing, it’s still pretty funny. Enjoy.

Travel Journal February 2000

The coffee in Barcelona is how that woman from Good Times likes her men: Hot, black and strong! The coffee’s good and that’s not all. Barcelona reminds of how Cuba must be. Spanish speaking people with palm trees lining the streets, and buildings you think of when someone mentions Earnest Hemingway.

But Madrid is where Hemingway used to hang so Barcelona, or BCN for our purposes, has its own vibe entirely. But I could bore you with how beautiful I think Spain is. If you’ve ever been there, or even thought about going, you already know this. No, my travel journal will center not on the actual travelling, but the pitfalls and embarrassment that seems to come with it.

My first night in BCN I hooked up with an old friend by the name of Steve P. Steve has lived in BCN for the better part of 10 or 12 years so he was the main man to have show me around. We were going to warm up around 9:30 at a bar where you can pick up and play any guitar on the wall. I’m a master guitar player (ha) so I thought this sounded very cool. The place was closed because the people were on vacation. Vacation? “No one goes on vacation in February!” I exclaimed. I was on vacation dammit, and they needed to be open! Not really. Regardless we moved on. We went back to Steve’s place to have some beers before “really” going out.

People in Spain don’t eat until 10 p.m. and don’t really start partying until midnight. My second night in BCN, we stayed out till 6 a.m. (another story entirely). We went to Steve’s to have some beers.

Steve’s place is small. There’s enough room for a bed, a couch, a kitchen and a small bano (that’s bathroom in Espanol). But as he told me, the real reason he lived there wasn’t for the apartment, but for what was beyond the door in the kitchen. As we walked outside, I was treated to the most marvelous view in the whole motherfucking city of BCN.

A ‘panty dropper’ is something like the view from a house or apartment that will facilitate the dropping of women’s panties once you get them up there. Steve’s view could drop more panties then Leo Dicaprio, Brad Pitt and Ricky Martin combined. This was one spectacular fucking view, man. I took it all in, drank some beer and enjoyed Steve’s hospitality from his killer vantage point.

After some time, we moved down the street to a bar Steve frequented. The place featured rock and roll memorabilia on the walls and rock and roll tunes pumping out the stereo. The place was great and would be somewhere I’d hang out if it was in the states.

It was around midnight at this point and Steve said, “like clockwork, this bar will fill up at one.” Bing. One o’clock hit and, like he said, the place filled up before I even knew it. It was packed and hopping. We had carved out a corner earlier so we stood there drinking beer and having a wonderful time. This, believe it or not, is where our story begins.

It was at this point I was introduced to one of the local BCN beers. Voll Damm was its name and I will never, for the rest of my life, forget it. Voll Damm is a fairly hearty brew which tasted like a heavier Michelob than anything else. When in Rome. It tasted good so I drank it. Or I should say I drank an enormous amount of it. I was drinking Voll Damm like it wasn’t just going out of style, but like I had a fire to put out somewhere deep within my body. Bud lite it wasn’t, but I was sure drinking it like it was.

Steve had a friend named Steve who was there with a nice French girl (yeah, I know!). We all talked, rocked out to classic rock and proceeded to get fucking locked. On the train to BCN from Paris I started coming down with a cold. I was getting sick one way or the other so I just said fuck it. I’ve drank my way through colds before. I’m an old pro right? I partied on like a champ (or chump depending on how you look at it). I had two Heinekens before I even met up with Steve and about five cans of San Miguel at his place. I then inhaled about five bottles of Voll Damm at the bar. Drunk right? Wrong. Really, really drunk. What Steve declined to tell me was that each bottle of Voll Damm is around 8% alcohol. I got slaughtered like a pig at Easter.

Steve and Steve saw me chugging Voll Damm like Coors lite and told me the next day they were going to say something, but….. I would’ve done the same in their place so I can’t be too mad. Regardless, the Voll Damm binge combined with the first nasty days of a cold, made for one of the worst and most punishing hangovers of my entire life.

I drink. And despite how tanked I was, I handled it like a true warrior. I’ve been drunker than this, but the hangover made me want to go home to momma. Leaving the hotel, I almost threw up in the hallway. There was a strange, feces like smell in the stairwell. Imagine that? It was gross, so every time I left or came back to the place I’d run up the stairs holding my breath. Now, it almost killed me. I think I was a pale green, but I was afraid to look in the mirror for fear of scaring the vomit out of me.

By the time I found the Picasso museum, I was the walking fucking dead. I was the guy in the “Thriller” video whose arm just kind of falls off. Usually I feel like the dead guy who starts doing the Robot at the end. When I got to the part of the Picasso Museum where a lot of his pen drawings are featured, I almost puked in front of a bunch of Italian tourists. I could’ve slept right there. I almost puked, but years and years of dealing with hangovers has conditioned me to not puke in a public place no matter how bad it wants to come out.

One time I went to a Sorority function when I was in college. You travel somewhere on a bus and you get really drunk and laid if you can still see straight. The thing about Sorority functions is you can go balls out, but you just can’t puke in the bus on the way back. The girl who took you to the thing will get fined and in a heap of trouble if you do. The time I went to this Sorority function, I got really, really drunk on Greyhounds (vodka and grapefruit juice). My date was unconscious and I, in a semi-conscious state, willed myself not to puke for a 40 minute bus ride back down twisty mountain roads. If you’ve ever had a ‘few too many’ a ‘few too many times’ you know exactly what I’m talking about. My brother once puked in his mouth and then swallowed it because someone was giving him a ride home and he didn’t want to puke in their car. Now that’s one tough mother!

Anyway, puking in front of Italian tourists and the magnificent works of Picasso was not in the cards for me. I got back to my room and slept it off. I was absolutely polluted. This hangover would have killed a lesser man I’m convinced. That night though, I went out til 6 in the morning. I was drinking beer. Not Voll Damm mind you, but I still got back on that horse and rode. I was sick as a motherfucker, but hey, I was in Barcelona. No time for a hangover (even as gargantuan as this one) when you’re in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. BCN is fantastic. The Gaudi architecture will blow you away. We could see the Sagrada Familia from Steve’s panty dropper. Sagrada Familia is a church that Gaudi designed in the late 19th Century and is still being built today. It’s fucking amazing though and you can go up in the towers. The rest of the city is stunning as well. The whole place has a great vibe. And while I’d suggest to definitely go and see Barcelona, please keep your Voll Damm intake to just a few.

The Best Rented Movies of 2006

If you’ve ever taken the time to listen to me in the past, you will know that I don’t go to the movies. The talking, the candy wrapper crinkling, the noxious breathing of the horrible masses…I’d rather stay at home and watch a movie with only my own noxious gases stinking up the place.

So here are some (rented) films that I enjoyed in the past year:

Waiting

What looked like cheap laughs served up in a taco shell of typical crap, was actually a funny and fairly accurate portrayal of what it’s like to work in a restaurant. Some of it was a bit fantastical (like if you have the time to play as many ball tricks as they did, your restaurant would close due to lack of business), but otherwise nailed life off of the floor.

Walk the Line

Loves me some Johnny Cash so I liked this docudrama of his life. Joaquin Phoenix was fine as Cash and Reese Witherspoon was even better as June, but at points it just seems like a made for TV movie. I don’t think it was so much the fault of the filmmakers as the subject matter isn’t dramatic enough to justify making a full blown movie. If you like Cash, well you’ve probably already seen it.

Broken Flowers

Jim Jarmusch gets Bill Murray to do a full length and with awesome results. The only bad thing I can say about this is Murray retraces his steps as the glum older man he did so well in Lost in Translation, but I think overall, this is a better film. Why Murray didn’t win a best actor award for Rushmore, let alone Lost in Translation the crime of the century. We’ve seen this before from Murray but really the story and the people in this make it such a good movie. One of Jarmusch’s best in awhile.

Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room

Greed and arrogance and the business world equivalent to the Bush administration. If only those fuckers would be found out and Dick Cheney drops dead before he goes to jail. If you don’t know this full story and want to get pissed off, watch this. Then find the nearest Halliburton office and wipe shit on their front door. Halliburton doesn’t have anything to do with this movie, but since Enron isn’t around anymore, why the fuck not?

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

I read the books well after I had seen the movies and while the books are of course better, this movie does a good job with the material. I liked that they didn’t dumb down the death and darker parts because they are important to the rest of the series. Overall, they’ve done a fine job bringing these to the big screen.

Match Point

Starts slow but finishes up nicely. Maybe the best part of this is the fact that Woody Allen isn’t in it, but I loved the way he pretty much points you to an inevitable conclusion and then yanks it back at the last second. If you haven’t seen it yet, forget what I just said. Scarlett Johansson plays a whiny turd and it suits her. I think she’s very overrated as an actress but she redeems herself in this one. Great viewing and very recommended.

Brokeback Mountain

I watched it and didn’t get a boner unlike some people I know (Phil L). It’s actually very good and the cinematography is incredible. The scenery is stunning and really the film should have won best picture when put up against absolute blood farts like Crash. I think the gay folk were pushing so hard for it and got a wee bit cocky about winning that the academy decided to teach them a lesson by awarding one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen (Crash) best picture. It’s too bad because despite all the hype and the jokes, Brokeback wasn’t too bad.

Good Night, and Good Luck

A good historical lesson on how all major media talking heads are complete assholes who could easily be interchanged with someone from Entertainment Tonight. Quiet and subtle and black and white.

Grandma's Boy

Kind of funny Adam Sandler type comedy (I think he produced it) with some fairly funny moments. The video game designer wunderkind who acts like a robot is pretty fucking funny. Get stoned and you’ll love it.

Akeelah and the Bee

Pleasant and uplifting. The little girl in this is great and while fairly obvious to see where it’s heading, I didn’t mind getting there.

Thank You for Smoking

Well done, witty and smart. The best part is seeing Katie Holmes…I mean Kate Cruise get her tube packed like a casing at Hillshire Farms. You’ll never see it again so watch it a couple of times.

Entourage Season 2

Kind of cartoonish but very fun look at a hot young actor’s life and his hangers on who live it with him. Really, if you’re dude who’s well past the age of this ever happening to, it’s fun to watch and dream. I would even be Johnny Drama at this point.

Big Love Season 1

Very cool and well done show about a polygamist family living in the mainstream in Utah. It’s great, makes Mormons angry and there’s tons and I mean TONS of humping. I mean, the guy has three wives so you know he’s getting it on all the damn time. Good acting and endearing characters, plus, did I mention all the humping?

An Inconvenient Truth

Al Gore is pretty cool. If everyone could have seen how smart and somewhat humorous he is before the 2000 election, I don’t think we would have had to put up with that destructive retard who’s in office now. Even if you don’t buy into the global warming thing, this alone is an interesting look at Al Gore himself.

The Da Vinci Code

I’m putting this in here because it wasn’t as bad as I thought it could have been. Pretty sappy, and kind of a dumbed down version of a popular theory on Jesus. I really didn’t like the whole “let’s get chased and have to escape out of an impossible situation so the plot can inexplicably move forward” thing they did like eight times throughout the movie. And why the fuck did the English grail expert have to double cross them? There was no reason for it. He wanted the truth to be exposed, so why screw them over when they were going to help him? That drove me fucking nuts….you know what? On second thought fuck this movie.

And that leads me to some of the worst shit that tainted my DVD player in the past year:

Nacho Libre

Should have called it Nacho Fastidioso which means NACHO BORING.

The Da Vinci Code

See above.

Friends with Money

Pretty much everything Jennifer Aniston is in pretty much sucks.

X-Men 3: The Last Stand

They took a movie franchise that put out two fairly good movies about some of the most interesting comic book characters to come to the big screen and completely chopped its balls off. This was so bland and awful it was like they took a plot from a Sci-Fi Channel crap-u-drama and crammed Wolverine into it. Shameful and poopy smelling.

Night Watch

Everyone raved about this science fiction/art house movie but what you need to know is that it’s Russian and seems like a pimply faced film student was given some money and he whacked off onto a movie screen. I think it’s about vampires but really I was so distracted by the ridiculous “arty” shots that it didn’t matter. Watch this only if you want a headache and want to be in a bad mood for the next week.

King Kong

This should have been called Rey Fastidioso which means KING BORING. I only bring up the Spanish name again because Jack Black was in yet another stinker. This movie is so goddamned long and boring I couldn’t believe it. And don’t forget that WE ALREADY KNOW HOW IT ENDS. At least in the 70’s version the sent F-16s after Kong and he climbed the World Trade Center. My god, you really have to be full of yourself and full of shit to make this movie.

Transporter 2

Well, Transporter 1 wasn’t very good so how could this be any better? Why did I even watch this? A monkey with half its brain missing could have written a better script than this. This is my rule for 2007: if the first movie didn’t boggle my scrotum, then I will not rent the second one no matter how much ass, car chases and gun shots are in it. It’s just not worth it.

JR

Some good tunes of 2006

Everybody’s got a list. And so do I.

These are some of the better albums that came out in the past year. These are in no particular order because, like all of you, I love them all.

Liars – Drum’s Not Dead

Crazy and creepy. Don’t know if it’s so much a concept album as it is just a stone cold freak out. Deep and disturbing and a pretty far departure from their earlier stuff.

Band of Horses – Everything All The Time

Mellow and beautiful. Fans of Sunny Day Real Estate will dig this. There are moments on this record that these guys hit that will knock your socks off.

Belle And Sebastian – The Life Pursuit

Funky and groovy. Who knew B + S could lay down such jams? There are some outright ass shakers on here (which is kind of strange for this band) and some of the usual nice ballads they are known for. The liner notes featuring the hot Scottish girls is worth it alone.

Sunset Rubdown – Shut Up I Am Dreaming

Should I keep going with two word descriptions? Probably and not. The bulk of this is pretty good, but the song “Stadiums and Shrines II” is one of the best songs released this past year.

Decemberists – The Crane Wife

I haven’t even heard this yet because the assholes who are in front of me on the library waiting list won’t hurry up and return it. I’m sure it’s good because their last one was great.

Cat Power – The Greatest

Not her “greatest” but it was still a good record. Some nice Memphis horns give her sound a little less serious vibe. But I guess I like the dour stuff, so maybe that’s why this didn’t blow my ass out. She’s still got my vote though.

Mastodon – Blood Mountain

Again, not as good as their last record, but some pretty sweet metal nonetheless. With all these indie rock wankers ‘returning to cookie mountain,’ I think I’d like to return to ‘Blood Mountain’ and battle the Cysquatch or whatever the hell it is.

Camera Obscura – Let’s Get Out of This Country

One more time: not as good as their last record, but I am sucker for soft voiced Scottish girls singing about their problems. And any band that tells Lloyd Cole that they’re ready to be heartbroken will have my ear any day.

The Hold Steady – Boys and Girls In America

Where the Killers completely failed in channeling their inner Bruce Springsteen, The Hold Steady captured Bruce in a bottle without even trying. This album is all about Kerouac, getting high and chicks. I can’t think of any better way to spend a Thursday night. Goddamn do the Killers fucking suck!

Wolf Mother – Wolf Mother

I just about wore this album out. Sleazy rock and roll with a hint of 70’s metal and absolutely no hint of irony. These guys are the real deal and when they sing about the “white unicorn” they are dead fucking serious. Put on “the Joker and the Thief” and try and tell me it wouldn’t rock Lincoln’s face off Mount Rushmore.

Slayer – Christ Illusion

Reviewing Slayer is like reviewing the Grand Canyon. You know it rules, so why bother trying to tell anyone? But if I was forced to say something, I’d tell you that Slayer’s original drummer is back on this and he’s phenomenal. I’d also tell you that these guys just keep kicking more and more ass.

The Streets – The Hardest Way To Make An Easy Living

A theme: Not as good as his last album, but it’s got some good stuff on it. Skinner might need to get away from the narrative album next time. He’s too good to force the issue in keeping the story going. But what the fuck do I know? I know his last album was nearly a masterpiece.

Beck – The Information

Did Guero come out this past year too? Because if it did, Beck would have two great albums out in one year’s time. The Information is solid throughout and makes me think that Beck is some kind of a genius. Think of all those other acts that got huge during the thrilling alternative rock sweepstakes being held by major labels in the early/mid 90’s…can you name one that has been as prolific and consistently good as Beck? To the person who just had Liz Phair pop into their head: I will slap you.

Arctic Monkeys – Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not

This took awhile to grow on me. The music that is, not their name. Their band name is one of the worst in music history. Right up there with Carrissa’s Weird (now the aforementioned Band of Horses) and Bare Naked Ladies (now dead I hope). But take the bad name away and all the hype they received and you’ve got a pretty wicked, supercharged power pop record. Give it a spin and let it grow on you like it did for me. The album, not the crappy name…did I explain that right?

Hatebreed – Supremacy

As I am a sucker for Scottish girls, I’m also a sucker for ass kicking metal/hardcore with an underlying positive message hiding under layers of aggressive doomsday crunch. This band sounds like they could have been a straight edge group at one point, but sold their souls for rock and roll while still telling the kids to never give up.

Neil Young – Living With War

Despite this record’s obvious anti-Bush message, it’s still one of the better Neil Young records to come out in awhile. Try not to sing along to “Let’s Impeach the President” and try not to smear feces on the door handle of the next SUV you see with a Bush bumper sticker. Yes, that was me.

Primal Scream – Riot City Blues

I didn’t expect anything from this. I got it from the library and wasn’t even going to load it on my ipod, but I played it in the car and was pleasantly surprised. This is a return to the bluesy, Stonesy groove the Scream seemed to abandon for their techno funk/punk of the last couple albums. Don’t get me wrong, I love Xtrmntr…or Violator or whatever it was called (“Kill All Hippies” is a classic from that record), but this made me think these guys haven’t actually died from drug overdoses like they should have.

Flaming Lips – At War With The Mystics

Not as good as their last record? Yeah, why not. One more time.

JR

Kid Rock...I hate to break this to you but....

Something had been bothering me lately.

You know how Kid Rock is getting divorced from Pam Anderson after they just got married recently? Well, I guess after he saw her bit in the Borat movie, he got all pissed off and was like "you're a whore!" She didn't like that I guess and decided to get divorced after three weeks of marriage.

What I'm wondering is, after he starting calling her a whore and the divorce papers arrived, did someone take him aside and say, "dude, I hate to break this to you, but EVERYONE has seen your wife naked. EVERYONE."

In fact, that same person might finish what he was saying by going, "in fact, EVERYONE has seen your wife boning greasy Tommy Lee. EVERYONE."

Is this like marrying Carmelo Anthony and screaming "BASKET BALL PLAYER!" Or banging Nicole Ritchie for a week and one day wake up yelling "ADOLESCENT GIRL SKELETON!"

Seems a bit obvious, but then again I don't roll with midgets.

JR

the Zune Sucks Cock Thru a Hole in the Wall

Much like when I heard about OJ Simpson's plan to release a book on how he actually would have committed the famous double murder he's accused of, I felt the same way when I read about microsoft's Zune.

And just like OJ, I said to myself about Zune: Really? Are they kidding here? Or is this what they actually have cooked up?

OJ's premise was "IF I did it, here's how I did it." Which at first I thought meant, "I didn't do it because if I was going to kill two people, I would have done it differently." But then I realized he was just telling people how he killed Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman without actually admitting he did it...it's a little confusing I know, but so is the Zune.

Zune is microsoft's version of the Ipod and by all accounts, it might as well be a busted up Walkman with an AM radio in it. And just like OJ, it's a bloody mess.

It looks good, has a bigger screen than the Ipod, but in trying to out do the Ipod, it falls short like a drunk fat guy trying to long jump.

Here's a great article/review on why it sucks so bad.

Basically, Zune is in league with Satan (i.e. the recording industry) because they've paid the kickbacks those vultures were demanding because Mp3 players "just have to have a lot of illegal music on them." Oh yeah? Prove it dildos. Just saying it doesn't make it true. And while I'm sure there could be a song or two acquired "illegally" (whatever the fuck that is nowadays), the RIAA should keep their laws off my Ipod.

RIAA out of my digital uterus!!! Click here for a good anti-RIAA site.

So microsoft is down with these scumbags and make you pay for it when you buy Zune or music for Zune. But that's not all!

One of the main selling points of Zune is the wireless transfer function that allows you to send songs to another user. Sounds good right? Well yeah if it worked like it should. But as we all know, the record companies don't want you sharing music. That's what they've gone on and on about for years; suing little girls and single mothers.

If you transfer a song to another person's Zune, it deletes itself after 3 plays. Great for the record companies, bad for you. This is not a good selling point. It's like getting a locked version of a computer program; you can only do so much with it.

If I want to share a song with someone, I'll just burn them a disc and they can do what they want with it. When someone gives me music, I listen, and if I like, I put it in my Ipod. Sure after sampling it three times on my Zune I could then go and ask them to burn me a copy, but that's just more hoops than I want to jump through.

I know they HAVE to do this to stay on the good side of these record company bastards, but they're using it as a great selling point when most people don't give a shit and will get around it anyway.

A buddy of mine works for microsoft and he was pretty diplomatic about it. He felt like it could be really good down the line, but then again, he was really playing up this sharing feature that doesn't mean shit to me. It's cool, but the potential of it has had its balls lopped off like a cow at the Rocky Mountain Oyster festival. Fried and delicious.

I despise the fact that this product (one that had the only shot to take a piece of Ipod's pie) is so wrapped up with the file sharing political bullshit, that it completely nullifies anything cool about it. I know they have to suck this corporate cock through a hole in the wall, but by doing that, they've guaranteed it won't be a success.

People know Ipod. They know it works. More computer savvy people know better than to deal with this and not so savvy computer people won't know how to set it up. Why buy something that doesn't work well, is confusing and gimmicky when there's already a product that works, is easy to use and does everything advertised?

It's like someone said, "hey I've got this paper that you use to wipe feces from your butthole, but instead of just using it like toilet paper, you have to run it through a special machine that activates its special feces removing properties. Then you gotta wait 10 minutes before you actually wipe your ass." Would you buy this? Not if you had to take a shit real bad.

I guess if that's all microsoft can offer, I'll stick to the Ipod. And I'll wipe my ass with a Zune. Oh and OJ can burn in hell. If someone shot him in the stomach and left him to die on the sidewalk with rats eating his eyes, it would still be too good for him. Now that would be something FOX should show on their crappy network.

JR

Winners don't do drugs, they eat them

I stumbled across this old story and figured it would be a good read. This is re-printed exactly how I typed it way back when. I had run off to Europe in early 2000 and hung out in Paris, Barcelona and then Dublin. I was posting this to the Hooligan website at the time, and while some of it is kind of embarrassing, it’s still pretty funny. Enjoy.

Travel Journal January/February 2000

This is my travel journal. Everything in here is true. Some of it is very embarrassing. This one is all about how much of a dumbass I am. Enjoy.


It’s very important to talk about my run-ins with French authorities before I leave and isn’t as fresh in my mind.

For someone who has minimal contact with law enforcement of any country, being nailed twice in the span of a week and a half was enough to last me a lifetime.

First of all, I’ll admit it right away: I’m an idiot. And when you ask, “what we’re you thinking?” I can truthfully say, “ I don’t know.”

The morning I left Amsterdam, I headed over to the net café/bar where I had been emailing, drinking beer and smoking joints for the last three days. It was located just off the Red Light District on a little tiny street which name escapes me at this moment. This place was great though. It was Fl 2.50 for 20 minutes on the ol’ intranet. That’s about 1 dollar and 25 cents to you and me. There was a smallish yet stylish bar and two pool tables in the front. It was more of a locals hangout which I always prefer. I could sip a lovely Heineken or some good coffee while toking on a fat one, chatting with my amigos half a world away. The night before, someone emailed me and asked, “what are you doing?” I replied, “why, I’m emailing, drinking a beer and smoking a joint. What are you doing?” This was great because I knew my friend was at work.

The thing was, I rolled the rest of my pot into one huge joint the night before. I figured if I wasn’t taking any back with me, I might as well smoke it all in one big shebang. The problem was, after dicking around Amsterdam for awhile, I was running a tad late to get to my train. Like and idiot, I got a really early return ticket back to Paris. After checking my email, I dashed back across the city to check out of my shithole hotel and get my 10 guilder (five bucks) deposit back for my key. It was at this point I remembered the huge joint in my pocket.

It’s key that I tell you I remembered the joint because it was all part of the plan to forget it. You see, I decided to take that pinky sized doobie back to Paris with me. Yes, this is where you ask, “what were you thinking?”

I know, I know. Don’t bring any drugs back. It’s like camping. Only leave footprints and shit like that. But I was swept up in this kind of mania that told me, “yes, you can do this!” I’ve always been such a square, I never take any chances like this. But this was a new me, and something took over that just said, “fuck your future, bring that reefer back to Paris!” At any rate, I did it. I got on the train, the joint was in my inside pocket of my jacket and away I went to France. Goodbye Amsterdam, you’re a lot of fun. I’ll see you again someday. No problem right?

Fast forward to the train station in Paris. Gare du Nord is a huge, cold train station. It’s like a big warehouse with people and trains and pigeons. It’s just like what you’d expect from a train station in the movies. And especially from one in Paris: dirty, dusty and cold as shit. As the train pulled in to a stop, I started to go through what I’d say if someone stopped me. “Oh, I forgot it was in there!” Blah, blah, blah. I really wasn’t sweating it which is unusual. Normally in the states I’d start shaking with a joint in my pocket when I saw a cop car three blocks away. But hey, this was Europe. They don’t give a fuck. But as I grabbed my coat, I smelled it: Marijuana. Strong and obvious. I’ve you’ve ever walked into a room where someone is growing pot, this is what my jacket smelled like.

Then I went into a different mode. I wasn’t scared because I think I was too dumb to be scared. My only thought was, “if I see a dog, I’m gonna ditch this joint.” The walk from the train to the station was pretty long, so I scouted ahead to see if there were any federales or checkpoints. It looked clear so I confidently made my way toward the station. Not hurried, but definitely not slowly. Like from some prison escape movie, I could practically see the escalator that would take me down to the metro. That’s when I saw the dog. It was about halfway up the walkway and my heart jumped just a bit. It was a black labrador and it looked like it was just running around the platform. And since drug dogs are always German Shepherds and things like that, I didn’t really think anything of it. The dog disappeared behind me and to the left. A quick sigh of relief came over me and I kept on walking to my freedom. But that relief came and went really fucking quickly.

The French customs guy nailed me so fast after the dog passed, I didn’t even have a chance to be relieved. To be fair, I should say the dog is the one who actually nailed me. The customs guy rattled off something in French and I switched to dumb American mode partially out of instinct, but mostly because I got caught flat-footed. You could have driven a train through my gaping mouth.

I said, “what?” And he repeated, with his badge out, “French Customs. Do you have anything to declare?” For a split second I thought it would be hilarious to answer, “just that I’m fabulous!” But then I remembered the joint. Mind you, this was happening so quickly I really didn’t even have time to shit my pants. I would’ve been handcuffed and in the back of a squad car before I could’ve squeezed out a pebble of shit or said anything so funny. Instead, I looked at the French Customs officer with the most confused looked and said, “no…?”

Just then, my friend the black lab came over to me, jumped up, and tapped his paws on my stomach. Busted. He trotted away to nail some other pot smoker. This pot smoker was screwed royally. Thinking back on it, the whole ordeal only took about 15 seconds, and come to think of it, it passed like 15 seconds too. It was a very quick, very real nightmare. Once the dog pegged me, I started to think about how fucked I was. But I also remembered how much my coat stunk of sweet, sticky reefer.

After the dog went away, I looked up at the customs guy and said, in my most convincing voice, “I’ve just come from Amsterdam. I’ve got smells on me.” Swear to fucking God I said this. I prepared for the worst, but instead of getting the worst (handcuffed and taken to of all places, a French jail), I got the best. The customs officer just waived me past and I didn’t hesitate to take him up on his offer. I was, like they say, outta there like swimwear.

I didn’t run, I took my time. And I even paused at the end of the platform to pretend like I was looking at train times to not make myself look suspicious. A guilty person would just run as fast as possible and get on a metro. Getting on the metro, I was constantly looking around to see if the cops were on my tail. Maybe they thought I could lead them to the big score. But no, I was just a stupid, asshole American and they were glad to be rid of my dumb ass. I didn’t feel safe until I was safely inside my friend’s flat. But I still felt like I was being followed. So I did the natural thing and smoked some of the weed I smuggled and tried to put it far behind me.

That was until a week later when I got pulled over for smoking a joint in a car with three people I didn’t know.

I had gone to a skate park with three guys I had just met. One was a friend of a friend and the other two I didn’t know. Actually to be fair, I wasn’t smoking the joint. It was weed with tobacco in it. And as I’ve already stated, I don’t do the tobacco thing. On the way out, they rolled one and I tried it, but couldn’t hang with the tobacco. These guys however toked up with glee.

It was on the way back from the skate park that French police pulled us over. This was somewhat outside Paris and I guess they saw the driver, a French guy named Vincent, smoking this spliff. I had the shits really bad and I thought, “great, I have to take a shit and these cops are going to hold us up.” But then they started pulling us out of the car and my annoyance quickly turned to a bit of worry. I didn’t have my passport on me and I was with three people I didn’t know very well.

One was a Greek kid named Carlos. He was friends with my friend and I had met him the week before. The other two were French and had met them about an hour and a half before. I figured they’d help me out since they knew that “Je ne parlez pa Francais.” That’s “I don’t know any fucking French” in American. But I started to sweat it a bit. Memories of my Gare du Nord run-in with the law started flooding back. But really I felt like I was in high school again. Driving around with your buddies smoking herb and having a cop pull you over. There was nothing worse than that. This was worse however, because I was in France, and didn’t speak French. I half expected the cops to recognize me from the train station and say, “Ah-ha!”

The cops started searching everyone and I began to get really paranoid. “Do I have any shit on me?” of course I didn’t, but you know how you get when this kind of thing happens. Being a paranoid delusional, I started to freak.

“Je ne parlez pa messieur,” I said as the copper pulled me out of the Citroen Festiva. He nodded to me as if to say, “yeah, yeah, you dumbfuck American.” As the cops searched me and I emptied the contents of my pockets on the hood of the squad car, I started to wonder, “where in the fuck did the joint and the weed get off to?” It wasn’t mine so I figured these veteran French pot smokers knew what they were doing. I know what I’d do, but that’s in a different country. In America they can’t just search your car like they were doing here in France. Or can they? I don’t really know anymore.

After searching the car and everyone who was in the car, and finding nothing, I knew we were in the clear. Vincent the French guy who was driving and smoking the joint at the time expressed through his body language and how he was talking to the police that everything was cool. He was French, but definitely of a Middle Eastern or North African decent. He was very cool and even though we really couldn’t communicate to eachother, he put me at ease. I even kissed a little ass and told the French cops they were much nicer than American police. Actually they are.

We got back in the car and after much spirited talking in French, Carlos, the Greek kid told me what happened. The cops saw Vincent smoking something so they pulled us over. He told them it was a cigarette but they still wanted to have a look. Before he pulled the car over though, Vincent ate the tobacco filled joint and the rest of his stash. It wasn’t much, but enough to fuck him up a bit. He took a hit for the cause I guess and I salute him for it. As for the rest of it, I’m done with France. No one speaks English and the police are too nice. Two near busts on an otherwise clean record was too much for me. Kids, winners don’t use drugs, THEY EAT THEM!

CSI Miami - Endless Caruso One Liners

CSI Miami is one of the worst shows on tv. If you've never seen it, watch this video and see how David Caruso chews up the scenery like a fat kid on a ginger bread house. Oh and the sunglasses....if a real person did this people would avoid him like herpes. It would be funny if it wasn't so fucking lame.

Always crashing in the same car

I might be stating the obvious here, but those Volkswagen commercials suck. You know the ones: people are driving along in their Volks, happily talking away to their friends, only to be blindsided by some a-hole who either pulled out in front of them or just barreled on into them like they had no brakes and were blindfolded.

They even have a commercial where two women are discussing the commercial. One says, “I think they went too far,” right before they too get hammered by an oncoming truck. They’re ok of course.

The commercials are supposed to show how accidents happen when you least suspect them and that by driving a VW, you stand a pretty good chance of surviving. That’s all in good but it still doesn’t take away from the fact that these ads will negatively effect sales of VW.

Yes, they are shocking when you see it for the first time and yes, you do remember them. That’s all a company could ask for when someone comes up with a commercial for them I guess. But in this case, I think they’ve backfired.

They didn’t “go too far” as the one woman suggests in the ad. Going too far would have been to show the driver of the other car (an American made crap-mobile) being carried off all bloody with an EMT furiously pummeling his chest. THAT would have been “too far.” I will give the creators of this ad credit though; making a reference to your own ad in another ad is pretty smart. You know somebody just had this conversation with their spouse or friend the other day and when those dullards saw the ad they felt an immediate bond with VW and probably went out and bought one.

“I was just talking to Sally about those commercials and a guy almost hit me pulling out of his parking spot at King Soopers!”



As I said, I do believe the ads get your attention, but I think in a negative way. Every time I see one of these commercials I’m constantly reminded of getting into a car accident. I’ve been in a couple gnarly car wrecks and I don’t ever, ever, ever, ever want to be reminded of those experiences.

In kind of the same way you get so stressed out in stop and go traffic, these ads don’t do what they set out to do. In stop and go traffic you’re constantly hitting your brakes and seeing red lights flash in front of you. You are in effect, narrowly avoiding dozens of mini accidents during your commute. This doesn’t give you a feeling of safety to know you avoided an accident; it really just makes you more on edge. The ad doesn’t instill a feeling of safety, it just tells you that you could be next.

The VW people want you to think you’ll be safe in an accident while driving their car. That might even be an accurate assessment, but who wants to even think about it? I know car accidents happen and sometimes they are completely unavoidable, but if I spent my life thinking about getting involved in one, I’d go nuts. I think it’s very unwise for a car company to show their vehicles involved in accidents…even if the occupants come out unscathed because deep down, the horrible sensation of being in a wreck is far stronger than consumer’s need to buy a car that’s safe. This ad works against them because while selling a safe car they still plant the seed in the driver’s head that he/she will ultimately end up in an accident….and it might not come out as nicely as it does in the ad.

I’m sure this works the opposite on some people. Some jerk sees this and thinks “I’m invincible if I drive that thing.” I mean, the commercial even kind of supports this. The crashes they get in are far more violent and jolting then the subsequent damage and condition of the people would tell you. Somebody’s going to buy one of these, get out on the road, talk on the phone, not signal, run red lights and….oh, I guess they do that anyway.

VW has made a commercial that people will talk about, but I don’t believe it will sell any cars for them. It would be like an Army recruiting commercial showing you dead soldiers because that too is a reality of serving your country. We all know that’s a possibility and they’d be nuts to use that as an advertising tool. I think the commercials that show cars narrowly avoiding an accident are far more effective because it gives the driver hope that they can avoid it while knowing that if they do happen to get in an accident, the odds are in their favor.

If you’re lucky, you’ll never get in a car accident. But it happens and hopefully you can walk away from it without any major injuries. In the meantime, I don’t want to be reminded of something as unpleasant as a car wreck. The way people drive, I get enough of that on the road every day. More hip tunes VW, and less twisted metal bum trips.

JR

You know Rush Limbaugh is a U2 fan

The best thing about the Republicans getting readily thumped in this past election wasn’t the fact that they had to admit they lost voter confidence. Sure it was great that they finally had to look in the mirror and own up to the fact that they suck and have led the country down a dead end street. That’s awesome, but it wasn’t the best thing.

And sure, getting the Democrats back in power was cool, but they’ll just fuck it up as usual. Hopefully we’ll get a few good years of economic growth out of them before they do something spinelessly typical.

No, the coolest thing about this past election was watching the rats flee the sinking ship.

Rush Limpbowel, after years of staunchly standing by his right wing assholes no matter what, finally showed some cracks in his usually rock hard, fat ass when he said, “ I no longer am going to have to carry the water for people who I don't think deserve having their water carried.”

Now, of course he went on to say that conservatism was the only way and liberalism is evil, but he was essentially saying that some of these Republicans didn’t deserve his support and he was thus withdrawing it from them. His focus of this was about Immigration Reform and raising the minimum wage and how they had been let down by Republicans concerning this; because as we all know, Mexicans sneaking into this country to work are far more dangerous than CEO’s who sneak our jobs off to China. I guess once all of our jobs are in China there won’t be any work for illegal workers right? Cool.

Regardless of Rush’s drug addled ramblings, he showed me something special: Republicans and right wingers are willing to sell each other out when hard times come. I didn’t think it was possible. Literally for the last 14 years (since Clinton took office) the right wing has held a unified front. They haven’t wavered one bit in all this time. Clinton could have come up for a cure for cancer, AIDS and Alzheimer’s and they would have found some way to denounce him. Everything has been the fault of liberals and they’ve been pretty fucking good about convincing people of that.

In the past 6 years the right wing has done whatever they wanted. They’ve run the country into the ground, sent close to 3,000 U.S. troops and countless Iraqis to their deaths and never once did any of them break ranks. It was really impressive…in a deliciously evil kind of way.

Every day I was amazed at the arrogance and sheer brilliance of what they were doing. Here was an administration, headed by a buffoon, that was clearly doing the wrong thing by invading Iraq, yet they had such blind support from its party members and its voters that they could do no wrong.

If I had to draw an analogy, I’d compare the Republicans of the last 6 years to the career of U2:

1) Undying and somewhat justifiable unwavering support through its early incarnation: Boy, October, War, Unforgettable Fire = Bush reclaiming America for the righteous, combined with the very convenient 9/11 attacks.

2) Flashes of brilliance muddled by creeping realization that they’re losing it: Joshua Tree, Achtung Baby = Starting the war in Iraq, declaring “Mission Accomplished” as the quagmire gets murkier and deeper.

3) Then embarrassing misfire after misfire which seem cartoonish in its absurdity: Zooropa, Pop and big sunglasses = Shitty economy, ongoing Iraq war, no Bin Laden, astronomical gas prices, dumbfuck president, Christians running amok.

And during all of this, U2, just like the Bush administration, has maintained a massive fan base who would never question their motives or artistic integrity. It’s utterly amazing really. It either shows that fans of U2 and conservatism are either a) incredibly sentimental and loyal, b) are truly convinced what either are doing are brilliant despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary or c) are incredible assholes who would worship Bin Laden himself as long he converted to Christianity and spoke out against gay marriage. I think it may be a combo of all three.

Don’t get me wrong, I do like U2, but I can’t stomach the later stuff. Earlier this year I picked up “Under A Blood Red Sky” on CD (which parts of were recorded at Red Rocks, including the famous video for “Sunday Bloody Sunday”….[I was there! That’s me in the front row!...that’s what everyone used to say anyway]) and it made me rediscover why I like U2 in the first place. It still doesn’t erase the later crap they put out, but it made me despise them less.

U2’s fan base will probably never abandon them, but the Republican fan base did. Maybe it was only to send a message, but that message was so well received that a few peculiar things started to happen.

One was the Limpbowel thing. That gas bag has been such an apologist for the right wing that I didn’t believe anything could get him to say something like that. Sure, he still ripped liberals and the usual crap still dribbled out his drug addict mouth, but the mere fact that he broke rank even slightly is telling.

When gubernatorial hopeful Bob “Both Ways Bob” Beauprez lost his bid for Governor, he sounded remorseful and apologetic for how the Republicans have run the country. He of course said their way was the best, but felt they needed to try harder. It’s shocking when the arrogant and defiant are reduced to groveling and half apologizing…it’s like watching a bully beg for mercy; you’re almost too amazed to deliver the final blow.

Bush canned Rumsfeld the next fucking day! Talk about bowing to pressure. Nearly everyone in the military wanted Rumsfeld out but Bush backed him the whole way, even saying prior to the election that Rumsfeld was going to stay as long as he did. Well, he didn’t.

Firing Rumsfeld really told us two things: either he did such a shitty job with Iraq that now Bush couldn’t protect him anymore or he did such a shitty job with Iraq that Bush finally had to distance himself from him before it was too late. Regardless, Bush’s conciliatory attitude is a sign that things may be worse off than we realize.

For these arrogant pricks to act this way makes me think things are so far down the shitter that they had to immediately start making concessions because their bumbling adversaries just cut their balls off and took their parking spaces. There’s no other way to explain it. The second I heard the acts of contrition were going down I thought, “whoa, how far up the ass are we screwed?” If you’ve ever seen one of those horrible anal videos where an improbably sized penis is being crammed up some chick’s ass, you get a good idea.

It would be totally hilarious if it wasn’t so damn sad and a signal that we’re pretty fucked. By no means should the Democrats pull the plug on Iraq. Once everyone gave Bush carte blanche to do what he wanted with that middle-eastern shit hole, it was a done deal. There’s no end in sight, so make plans for your children to do a stint somewhere over there in the not too distant future.

But didn’t we all know this is how it would turn out? Bush would get what he wanted for the bulk of his term, only to have it turn out to be the nightmare that everyone knew it would? If you didn’t see it coming, you were probably distracted by a “Unite We Stand” bumper sticker, a Jesus fish, and a shameless tear jerking reminder about September 11th. But then again, those were the swing voters who ushered Bush into office in the first place and ultimately realized their mistake and voted out his cronies. That’s America for you folks, indecisive assholes who will back a winner until the wheels come off and then pretend like it never happened.

If Rush Limpbowel can pretend he’s credible and a paragon of logical thinking, I’m gonna pretend Zooropa never happened, U2 fans aren’t horribly out of touch and Bono’s just a shy kid from Dublin.

JR